rhi43 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) This is my first post here and I am hoping for some advice from people. My family and friends have given me some advice about it but we still don't know what to do or how to help my best friend. I'm hoping there might be someone out there who knows of a similar scenario and can maybe shed some light on this situation. My best friend has been with her boyfriend for about 5-6 years but for the past 3 years he hasn't had a job. At first he just wanted to take a break from working life. She continued to work and he lived off his savings. Around the same time, her mother passed away quite unexpectedly and since she was her only family, her mother left my friend the family house and everything in it, which she now lives in with her boyfriend. She doesn't have any other family, and I am her only real friend and she has basically become a part of my family over the years. My friend has never charged her boyfriend rent to live in the house, and he has never offered. He does contribute to household expenses as he still has savings from when he was working. He is somehow making his savings last a long time, partly by forcing her to spend very little money on their household expenses and things so that he doesn't have to pay much for his share and can stay unemployed for as long as possible. She can't afford a lot either as her job has always been casual hours and although she used to get quite a lot of work, it has been less lately and she has been struggling to make ends meet. She doesn't want to sell her house and so she is trying really hard to make ends meet but struggling a lot. It is really hard to see my friend struggle, when her boyfriend could be helping out but chooses not to get a job. She doesn't see it that way though and when I've suggested that life might be easier if he had a job, she denies it. My questions to you are: 1/ Would be fair for her to ask him to get a job? If so, how do I help her see that? 2/ Would it be fair for her to charge him rent for a house she didn't buy but inherited? Bearing in mind that if he didn't live there and she had a roommate instead, she could rent out a room for a decent amount of money. Thanks for reading. Would love some feedback Edited December 1, 2013 by rhi43 rephrasing questions
Donnie Darko Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I guess it could be ok for her to ask them but they probably have already discussed and made an agreement. Maybe she could get some additional hours at work or get a second job so that she can be more financially secure. She does not need a man to make her financially secure.
d0nnivain Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Both of those things are fair. Neither of them are your business. Unless you are asked, stay out of it. Offering unsolicited advise about other people's finances & relationships is a great way to ruin a friendship. 1
FitChick Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 She could take in a male lodger since she and the boyfriend sleep in the same bed. Maybe having a man with a job live with them will shame him into getting a job. She must be very unattractive and unable to attract a decent guy if she is putting up with his crap.
Author rhi43 Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 Thanks for the advice. The truth is she is a very attractive girl (when my friends see photos of her or meet her they always comment on her good looks), with a very kind and genuine personality. He drags her down, but seems to make her happy enough. I am going to leave it, as recommended, thanks guys; I realise that meddling is not the right thing to do, so thanks for confirming my thoughts.
MissBee Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 This is my first post here and I am hoping for some advice from people. My family and friends have given me some advice about it but we still don't know what to do or how to help my best friend. I'm hoping there might be someone out there who knows of a similar scenario and can maybe shed some light on this situation. My best friend has been with her boyfriend for about 5-6 years but for the past 3 years he hasn't had a job. At first he just wanted to take a break from working life. She continued to work and he lived off his savings. Around the same time, her mother passed away quite unexpectedly and since she was her only family, her mother left my friend the family house and everything in it, which she now lives in with her boyfriend. She doesn't have any other family, and I am her only real friend and she has basically become a part of my family over the years. My friend has never charged her boyfriend rent to live in the house, and he has never offered. He does contribute to household expenses as he still has savings from when he was working. He is somehow making his savings last a long time, partly by forcing her to spend very little money on their household expenses and things so that he doesn't have to pay much for his share and can stay unemployed for as long as possible. She can't afford a lot either as her job has always been casual hours and although she used to get quite a lot of work, it has been less lately and she has been struggling to make ends meet. She doesn't want to sell her house and so she is trying really hard to make ends meet but struggling a lot. It is really hard to see my friend struggle, when her boyfriend could be helping out but chooses not to get a job. She doesn't see it that way though and when I've suggested that life might be easier if he had a job, she denies it. My questions to you are: 1/ Would be fair for her to ask him to get a job? If so, how do I help her see that? 2/ Would it be fair for her to charge him rent for a house she didn't buy but inherited? Bearing in mind that if he didn't live there and she had a roommate instead, she could rent out a room for a decent amount of money. Thanks for reading. Would love some feedback You're totally justified in your feelings, the only thing is: you can't force her to see things that way unfortunately. It is always hard to watch your friends make poor choices esp relationship-wise, when it is CLEAR as day to everyone else how bad the choice is...but all you can do sometimes is gently make suggestions and then allow that person to choose for themselves. If she has convinced herself that this situation with her bf is excellent, then she will continue to do it, until perhaps one day she sees things differently. All you can do is support her, you don't have to agree or support her decisions, but be supportive of her as a person.
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