sambo77 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) I don't know if many people have read Dan Gilbert's (Harvard psychologist) stuff on happiness. It really is quite intriguing what his research finds about happiness. To sum it up: (A) If you think about it, we make decisions and judgements NOW (in the present) about what WE THINK will make us happy in the future (choosing a given partner, getting married, buying something, a particular career, etc). In essence, we choose the courses of action we think are going to result in happiness for our future selves. (B) Turns out we make horse***** predictions most of the time. We massively overestimate the difference between two possible courses of action in relation to our happiness (so...while my brain might THINK that getting my ex back will make me so much happier than NOT getting her back...it's likely a huge error...and the undesirable course of action often ends up making you happier than the one you thought you wanted?!) Still with me? © So...what we THINK we want in the present typically doesn't result in a better life than what we THINK we DON'T want. (D) Also, our brain seems to be able to "find" or generate happiness in most circumstances...it's not the case that we will ONLY end up happy if we get what we THINK we want in the here and now. We "find" and create happiness in response to whatever we find ourselves facing...eventually. I find this lets me off the hook. Because I feel like it gives me a reason to say "f?ck it" - what I think I want right now is unlikely to be the right thing to fulfil my life anyway. So I'll just take what I think I don't want...I'll end up just as happy once my psychological immune system kicks in. Thinking about it, every decision I've made to get with girls in LTRs was made with my future simulator believing that the decision would result in "bliss for a lifetime"...each time the prediction was horses!it... Edited December 1, 2013 by sambo77 Title was wrong 1
conf Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 And why this is refer only to the dumpee? May the dumpee was actually happy till the break up. It is natural to want this happiness back In contrast let's see dumper's perspective. He thinks when he dumps you that he will be happier with another person in the (near or long) future. He takes actions now because of fantasizing better future. That does not mean that he wont be happy in the future but also does not mean that he would not have been a lot of happier with you. Unfortunately we cant see all the scenarios. We see the one we choose to leave. People judge a decision as having bad or good results. But in reality a decision that seems to be a good one may be bad because if we have acted the opposite we would have better results. But this is something we will never learn. The same principles forces for the bad and the worst decisions. The conclusion is to just let it be and find your happiness into your own so you want care about bad or good decisions
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Our present selves think we know what our future selves want; but we don't even know our future selves. 1
Author sambo77 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Our present selves think we know what our future selves want; but we don't even know our future selves. Precisely...so let's not turn ourselves into pretzels trying to get everything in place for those future selves...who'll probably end up cursing us for making such dumb choices anyway
MoooOinkBaaa Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Makes sense. Maybe this is why most break-ups occur when something happens that is about to change the dumpers future. Such as moving country getting married moving into a new house starting a new job meeting someone else My ex dumped me close to when she moved into her new house. After seven years of wanting to be together in a LDR. Isn't that just the funniest prank? So she announced her new life to the world on social media and now she lives in her new home and will be looking for a new partner to marry. I was just something she needed at the time before her new future.
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Makes sense. Maybe this is why most break-ups occur when something happens that is about to change the dumpers future. Such as moving country getting married moving into a new house starting a new job meeting someone else My ex dumped me close to when she moved into her new house. After seven years of wanting to be together in a LDR. Isn't that just the funniest prank? So she announced her new life to the world on social media and now she lives in her new home and will be looking for a new partner to marry. I was just something she needed at the time before her new future.' I seldom advocate calling a woman outside of her name but her behavior certainly warrant it. WOW. How selfish to string someone along like that then just drop them out of nowhere. But then again I'm just hearing one side of the story. All the best to you!
radiodarcy Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Great post~! It's startling to realize how much our emotions can manipulate our actions into doing things that are completely against our self-interest. Time after time I have tried to contort myself in order to please the object of my affection, because I so badly wanted him to feel the same about me as I id about him. Friends would try to tell me that it wasn't meant to be, let it go, etc. But the more they tried to deter me the more determined I was to make it work. Because I WANTED it to work. I NEEDED it to work. THIS would be what would make me happy. But as much I told myself the end goal would make me happy, the fact that getting there was such a miserable experience was a a sign in itself that the prize of the relationship I wanted - - would hardly be worth it.
radiodarcy Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Makes sense. Maybe this is why most break-ups occur when something happens that is about to change the dumpers future. Such as moving country getting married moving into a new house starting a new job meeting someone else My ex dumped me close to when she moved into her new house. After seven years of wanting to be together in a LDR. Isn't that just the funniest prank? So she announced her new life to the world on social media and now she lives in her new home and will be looking for a new partner to marry. I was just something she needed at the time before her new future. *sigh* I had an ex who did this as well. Once he started a new job, he started becoming interested in meeting other people. I soon became an afterthought, unless he wanted to hook up. He panicked one time when - - he thought I might be pregnant (even though I was pretty sure I wasn't) and broached the possibility of abortion. As I suspected I was not pregnant. A few months later he dumped me saying he was fed up with me and was ready for an actual relationship. After 10 months of NC on my end he contacts me to tell me that his new girlfriend is pregnant and how happy he is. I ran into him a few months ago: his ex wife is starting trouble, the new girlfriend's teenage son (from a previous relationship. She also has a daughter) is giving them trouble, and he still hasn't gotten further in the job he started three years ago. Needless to say he looked stressed and haggard. Maybe I should send him this post...
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