hal22 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 (I apologize upfront for some language and grammar mistakes since english is not my native language, and also for being a bit long) This is the first time I am posting on a forum, but I found comfort in other people stories so I decided to share mine. Couple of weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me after two and a half years of dating and science then it's been a circle of enormous anxiety , total loss of appetite , really dark thoughts, isolation and feeling like an edge or begining of depression. But let me start from the begging. We first met at begging of college almost 10 years ago. And as it goes, a different groups of people started hanging out, going out, all in all , living usual student life. At that time she was just acquaintance of mine i didn't look at her in some romantic way and we didnt get closer as friends, we just occasionally bumped into each other (she always had a lot of girlfriends around her) on college or out in the town. A really good friend of mine who I knew before we started college together started liking her, and started chasing her around but she sent him mixed signals as she was having on and off relationship with her highschool sweetheart. He started obsessing about her and really got hooked in the game of chasing her around especially when he found out she went on dates with some other guys from the college. All this time I never ever NEVER!!! thought of her in some romantic sexual or any other way. I was supporting my friend , sometimes we would joke around about his situation, everything was benign, we had our own band together we hung out etc. Year later eventually they hooked up, and started dating, so I started seeing her more often and we became more close , but i still NEVER thought of her more then just a girlfriend of a friend. At that time i was honestly not interested in anyone romantically and it didn't bothered me that much, I was into music, film, arts, culture, read really a lot, learnt two foreign languages, studied hard, traveled as much as I could. I know it sounds a bit odd but that was how I felt at the time. I was still going out clubbing, went on dates sometimes but was really passive , usually girls would ask me out, and it always ended there, except for once when i went into some short relationship with this girl from Belgium but i didn't feel that much chemistry, and she was living in another country so it ended quickly and we remained good friends. Ok, so They (my best friend and her) dated for two or three years and she dumped him. She hooked up with some other guy soon, he was devastated , while she was with that guy she would text him that she still love him but they cant be together etc, he was devastated even more, i was there for him , listening to him, taking him out for drinks, and all other stuff. Couple of months later they got back together, then couple of months later then that she dumped him again and hooks up with some different guy, he was devastated again. At the end of the college I went abroad for an summer internship and opened Facebook account so i could stay in touch with people while i was away. She added me and said something that even thou they broke up she would like to still be friends with me since she admired me very much and so on. I told my best friend about that and he was ok with it. During those two months while i was on the internship i chatted with her occasionally, she was really interested how i was doing and stuff like that. But everything was feeling normal since we knew each other for long time. When I came back two of them were back together, I was surprised with that but I supported him and her since i felt they were both my friends. During that time she had a tragedy in her family as two suicides happened in short period of time. I felt really sorry for her and she started to cling to me more and more. Contacted me every day , telling me how she was coping with life, I motivated her from the bottom of my heart to try to finish school to graduate as she couldn't study, i helped her with some exams etc. Somehow she became around me all the time, which wasn't that hard since over the years we developed same social circles of friends. And it felt like we became friends, regardless of her relationship with my best friend. She was always asking me something , advices, my opinions about everything you could possibly think off. One night for example i ran into her and couple of her girlfriends, we hang out for a while and she asked me if i could drive her home since she wasn't feeling well, when i parked in front of her building, she said if she could stay in the car a little more as she doesn't want to go home (she lived with her father and young brother as her mom recently died). She went to sleep, and i stayed there confused for half an hour until i woke her up as the situation was a bit weird for me , she said sorry i just feel like so nice and safe around you i don't want to leave. So i said ok we stayed there talking for an hour and she went home. I was thinking oh poor poor thing what she went thru. I told my best friend about that, and told him the she was very sad and he said ok. That kind of communication continued for about couple of weeks between us. She told me that E.D. (my best friend initials) and her broke up but still are in contact as friends. Then one night i ran into her in some bar with her girlfriends (or she even texted me to come as the music was great or something i cant remember now), we were talking, drinking and we kissed. That kiss 5 years ago was the most intense and most beautiful feeling i experienced till this day. I fell in love! But the horror started the very next morning and it didn't stop while i am writing this. I woke up with enormous feeling of guilt, i didn't now how to handle it. I didn't know what to do, but i decided to tell the truth to my best mate in few days. At the evening she sent me text that was just my name typed down 30 40 times. I said we have to talk about everything, we met each other the other day but immediately started kissing passionately. Ok, so we couldn't talk rationally. The next day too, this time we made love. For next couple of days she was mailing me youtube clips with some love scenes from the movies she new i liked, telling me that she never felt something intense like this. I felt the same but the guilt was still there. I thought i am going to go crazy if i don't tell the truth, i couldn't look him in the face if i see him. So the next day i told her that and she immediately turn cold bolded and literally said "No! LIE, what do you think I am doing all this time". I was shocked, i couldn't understand what was going on. Day later i met with my best friend, we went for a walk , and i couldn't pretend and told him, he immediately left without saying a word just ran off i stayed there alone in the street and heard him yelling over the phone. Hour later she calls me and basically tells me I am an idiot for what I have done , she loves him and wants to be with him. I felt like the worst person in the world , i felt like the bad person that should be despised. I stayed in my parents house in my room feeling like that for next month. Thats when i started developing anxieties, bad feeling morally about my self, thinking how could I betray my friend because of love. Month later I started picking what was left of me i started bit by bit living life again. I didn't heard from him or from her nor i tried to contact them. Then out of the blue she messaged me on Facebook like nothing happened, something like whats up , what are you doing. So we chat a bit without mentioning what happened but say goodbye very quickly, that started repeating about twice a week for some time where she would tell me how she is feeling sad and that she would like my help on some things etc. until I told her that it doesn't make any sense to talk and that we should stop, she said she was sad because of that but that she understands. In next 6 months i was trying to be focused on project i was working on, so i worked hard and was looking for an apartment to move out of my parents house, i was living pretty normally but still there was anxiety and somehow i became different, i didn't socialize as much i started to withdrew from my family and friends. Of course I was thinking about her a lot. So 6 months later, the day I moved to my new apartment, i only had one mattress and literally no furniture at all , around 8 pm I get a message from her asking me for an address (until this day I don't know how she found out that was the day I moved!?) and shows up at my door with champagne and candles, acting little weird , but no need to tell what happened in empty apartment full of small candles and couple of bottles of champagne. For the next three months we were together mostly spending time at my place (but were not living together), having fun in empty apartment full of music records, and a movie projector and really enjoying time with each other, chemistry was unbelievable but she either refused or was really nervous when we would go out somewhere, treating me with a slight distance. One day out of the blue one morning she just tells me she wants to break up because she wants to get back with E.D.(her old boyfriend , my ex friend). I couldn't believe, what, why, when...But I said ok, maybe i deserved that because of my betrayal. The next year was the worst in my life, i went into depression, work very poorly, lost a lot of projects i could have been involved, spent New years Eve alone at home because I couldn't stand people seeing me how sad I was. I cut all contact with her, Deleted her from Facebook, deleted her e mail, her phone number. She never contacted me. I remember when I would saw picture of her on FB (because we have a lot mutual friends) i would throw up for an hour. And the pictures were usually from some party, she was having fun with her old boyfriend like nothing happened. Not to mention in what kind of worries my parents were in, but i didn't tell them details my family was in. I started seeing a psychiatrist and that made a small progress, and step by step i started getting better, started working out, eating healthy , followed most of advices that people give on internet how to act after a brake up, and things got better, started going out again, but was in fear of bumping into her, and couple of times when i did i just immediately got out of the club or bar when i saw her because my heart would beat like crazy and i would start to sweat. So I deliberately stoped going to all my old places where i knew she would hang out, withdrew complytly from mutual circle of friends. I had no idea what was going on with her and her life. I started going on dates but i felt nothing, literally i think i was out with 10 different girls but never even wanted to kiss with anyone, for some reason girls still found me attractive even do I didn't feel like it, and was confused why would they like me. I was still thinking of her , i still loved her, and was still in love with her. Another year passed on, I met some new people, i got more into playing music again and I met a girl who was a friend of a friend so we hang out from time to time, not like dates, more of just like friends from high school or something like that, and one day she told me -" honestly i think i loved you from the first time i saw you" , so because of her honesty i told her that i think i am still in love with someone else and i wouldn't be ready for anything more then a friendship. So we stayed in touch, went to movies sometimes, talked on the phone late at night that kind of stuff. At the times I would run into my Ex (at this point i dont even now how to call her) and just say Hi and thats it, I was kind of accepting reality. So 3 or 4 months later its her birthday (the girl I met recently not my exes , it gets confusing without names lol) and she invites bunch of people to a bar for drinks, and at one point asks me if i can kiss her as a birthday present, we were drunk and i thought that was very cute to ask, and so we kiss lightly few times (light french stuff). Half an hour later while I was going to the restroom (bar was very crowded ) I notice familiar faces around me and recognize girlfriends of my Ex and at the dark corner I saw her looking realy depressed I say Hey and go straight stand with the people I was with. 15 minutes later my Ex leaves the bar with one of her girlfriends acting like she doesn't feel very well. Next weekend at a party I run in to her again and she comes up to me and says directly "I know that you were not going out because of me, and If my presence bothers you I will stay at home from now on" I was totally shocked!!! But I calmly said "It's been two years life goes on and why would you do that anyway" She replied "Because if that is your wish i want to respect your wishes" I was even more shocked!!! I could only say "Don't worry about it, live your life the way you want to" She leaves and comes back 15 minutes later, hysterically begging me to go outside and talk to her. So we go outside and start walking and talking she changed her mood from hysteria to an old friend type of behavior. We then on the bench and walked around till sunrise and at one point she jumps into my arms and we start to kiss and its again like the first time, unbelievable. It was already morning and we split I walk her home and catch a cab home. Tomorrow she calls me and says everything was a mistake and that she loves her boyfriend E.D. (for those of you who are still reading my ex friend). I said ok, but i was hurting, because that kiss reminded me of everything that happened, and that I was still in love with her. I was sad again, but hanging on. A week later she calls me drunk at 2 in the morning asking me if she can come over at my place, I tell her no. In the next couple of weeks she starts calling me and telling me she needs to see me , that she feels awful, taht she is in pain and that kind of stuff. Eventually we meet for a drink and after drink we make love all night. So I said my God it's gonna be all over again, what am I doing!? But It was like a drug. So the next couple of months I was very careful so we started dating pretty much normally, but there was still some weird behavior from her when we were in public, but things progressed, started getting more normal, she told me that she was in love with me with feeling she didn't now were possible, but her mood swings were very noticeable, from hysteria to melancholia then back to normal. At the end of the summer I took her to South of France so she could feel less nervous, we drove around the beautiful Provence, but there was always feeling at times she was distant. That tortured me. But when we came back I saw that we became more close. Things moved on, we were becoming a real couple. We lived apart and I was fine with that, as she wanted to be with her father and her kid brother. Then one day after she spent the night at my place, and she stayed at home while I was at work, I was waken up by that Skype noise when you get a message so i get to my laptop and see that red circle on Skype app, and when i looked at the message saying "hey you still there" or something I saw that I don't recognize the name so i understood that she forgot to log out and saw that she was talking to this guy how i was great but she doesn't know if she can call me her boyfriend yet, I saw that she was close to this guy which i never herd of before, and sometimes it would be flirty conversation sometimes just friendly, I confronted her with that she said that was an old fling that she thought she might be with him at some point but they became just friends and she is glad that it turned that way, and she was sorry if that hurt my feelings and that she was wrong. I found out that she was occasionally chatting with some German dude and deliberately didn't mention our relationship and trip to France but i didn't worry about that much and didn't mentioned that to her. During that time she was extremely jealous to all my female friends she tried to break my phone couple of times , she left the apartment when a friend of mine called me, but that faded away as I introduced her to them as my girlfriend. Things went on we became closer and closer, she introduced me to her family, I introduced her to mine, my mom liked her, her dad liked me...(my parents didn't know that she was the same girl from 3 years ago). Finally she was there, like a real girlfriend. There was a lot of mood swings from her, there was irony at times from me because of the past experiences, but i worked on relationship all the time, surprises, gifts, trips to different places, chemistry was good, I loved her from the bottom of my heart, I was in love with her more then ever. So year and a half went on, there were some fights , but we would make up very sweet. But i felt I was losing so much energy with her. She just drained me at times. I didnt care. I loved her. I found out that she is very manipulative person, she uses crying for example to manipulate but i found a way to deal with that (at leat i thought so). I helped her organize a small business - a gallery , when she was crying about how she cant find work that is satisfying to her. So we became even more close while doing that, setting up a gallery. But then the fights became more frequent, I didnt want to go clubbing or bar hoping that much any more, at the times she would get drunk and act flirtatiously whit other guys when we go out, she would say that she is not doing anything wrong, she is faithful to me and she can act the way she wants and stuff like that, that i cant control her ,and she is not doing anything wrong. She wanted to go out with her friends and it her drinking bothered me when she goes out, she at times acted even violently, and i got into problem, not a big deal but still... So in last six months she became distant again, chemistry was fading, sexually she became different, it was more like don't touch me there, don't do that, not now etc. But it wasn't like that all the time , we still had moments like from the past. So if you are still reading, fast forward to present. About three weeks ago she comes and brings me a small present, some kitchen tool that I wanted (i actually discovered cooking was relaxing me while we were in relationship so i was always making some interesting food for us), we have normal afternoon, she out of the blue says she wants a break, she wants to think about things, etc. I am confused but accept it normally, because with her i didn't know what is normal anymore. We then have sex (another crazy detail in this situation), i make us a dinner and drive her home. She asks me why didn't i kiss her good bay, i said you wanted a break, she said i don't know, i am confused. I said ok. 4 or 5 days later I called her to see if couple of my sweaters are with her she says she will pack them for me she is very cold. I come to her place she gives me my stuff coldly , we then both start to cry, i act like a total idiot, and beg her to reconsider, that i know about mistakes i made (and i did make some) but that we can both work on our mistakes together etc. Mainly same things people say when they feel dumped. She is even colder then and says I wont time for myself blabla, want to go out etc. I throw up and leave. Catastrophe. A week later a friend asks me to go to a party with him, i feel bad, but accept it , and thought she is not going to be there so i said ok lets go. An hour later I saw her friends and her entering the house where the party was . Her friends came up to me and say hi, she acts like she doesn't know me, dosent want to even say Hello. I thought what the hell is going on!!!??? I notice that she is totally drunk, i know her by now very well, I come up to her and take her hand and try to talk to her, and she starts screaming at me that I destroyed her life, that she hates me, the she is going to f--k someone else tonight, telling me to get out from there, to go home, a friend of mine try's to hug her so she calms down she start yelling at him to let her go and to leave her alone. I go home feeling like i have been hit by a truck, i take a sleeping pill but i wake up in sweat two hours later. Since then its been couple of weeks, and science then i found out by means that i am not proud of, that she has gone on a date literally 3 hours after the break up she suggested , he is a friend of my friend and since then she is basically chasing him the same way she was chasing me 5 years ago. I was in disbelief. I am in a very dark place right now. Old anxieties are smothering me like never before, i lost my motivation, i cant believe taht a month ago she could tell me that she adores me and loves me and right now she is probably with another guy. I am afraid I cant go thru another 2 years as last time how much it took me to get better. People described pain very well in different post on this forum already so i wont talk about that. Pain of being left is enormous. I lost self respect not just because of rejection like that, but because of thought that if she wanted me back i couldn't refuse her. What is wrong with me. Why am I suffering so much when i know that she is bad for me? Thank you if you read my story. It feels little better when i put it down in words. If you want to say something about it please do.
keepontruckin Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Cannot read it. Sorry... Coles notes next time. Condensed version.
letsplaygofish2 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Wow, I read your post and am worried and sad that you had someone like that in your life. In the beginning it sounds like you had a really good thing going on for yourself. Then she entered the picture and destroyed everything in her path. I guess the question is why did you feel like you needed to help her in the first place? Shouldn't your loyalties have lied with your best friend? At this point, I am saddened by your emotional state. Are you going to therapy lately or regularly? It sounds like you have a very strong guilt and shame complex, which needs to be resolved. You can't keep living like this! Please get some help... I'm here for you if you need a sounding board.
Author hal22 Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 Thank you for reading and your kind word letsplaygofish. I guess it's a very long post and I should make a summary of it so it would be easier to read. As for me It's been 3 weeks of NC and it's a roller coaster of soul torment. Yes I started therapy again but it's been just a couple of times I went, so it is too soon to have some results. I am working hard not to slip into depression like the last time we broke up but am not sure, since i see similarities in my emotional state as before. Still the biggest motivation for me right now is to move to another city (actually in another country) I am applying for a job (project, in my line of work it is usually from project to project) that starts in about month and a half in a another city and another country. During these 3 weeks she contacted me about 10 day ago she texted me at 4:30 am and woke me up. I will try to translate the text she send me : "I am writing this in time of my vulnerability. You are my baby love! But when everyone is against us, I believe in us the most and you especially, that you will get it, you will just get it and understand it. Maybe I still have that dream of our life long dance together (but then again I am not sure if I do). I still need time to see what do I want, and if the time dosen't bring that change maybe it is not meant to be. p.s. You may not understand any of this but maybe there is a small chance you will" I didn't answer. WTF is she saying? Understand and get what? Maybe I am an idiot but I just don t get what is she saying. Especially that she is been out chasing that other guy from the same day that she broke up (and by now maybe she is f-----g him) and has been extremely mean to me acting like she hates me when we run to each other after break up. Is she trying to manipulate me? Does she wants to check if the grass is greener? Why did she contact me. Oh And yes, she called me twice the next day, and i didn't pick up. She then texted me "I don't know why you are not answering maybe because of the messages from last night, anyway i wanted to let you know that T.M. dad has died and it felt natural to share that with you" I didn't reply again! T.M is a mutual friend but I am not very close to him (nor is she been in last couple of years) I just send him my condolences. Again WTF??? It feels natural to share something with me and asking me why didnt i pick up after all that you said to me and did??? I know this sounds crazy but I still miss her, and feel totally devastated thinking about her during this No Contact that i decided to do. I think there hasn't been a single night since i didn't have her in my dreams. I am not a very religious person, but have started praying to God not to dream about her so I can have some peace while I sleep. How did I come to feel like this?? : (
letsplaygofish2 Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I think this woman has some serious security issues, because she seems to enjoy her independence, but is ambivalent about needing emotional security and thus tries to fix herself by attaching herself to men who are available. I think, this is just my opinion, that she may have unresolved issues that prevent her from completely emotionally connecting - so she freaks out, leaves, has fun, gets confused, then tries to come back. It's soooooo draining! I mean, if she were stable, don't you think she'd be able to compose herself right after a breakup instead of going from relationship to relationship? I'm no expert, but I do know from the many years of my own therapy, that running from one person to another is not going to solve any problems. I know I'm projecting on to her since I don't really know what she's like, but you can't help this person (just like I can't help my ex!). My ex is not as wishy washy as yours, but he kept running away and leaving the relationship. I thought that if I was patient, that I'd be able to "save" him and help him work through his issues. But instead, he just wanted to blame me for everything. So devastating. Hal22, I think that deep down you love(d) and had a connection with this woman. That is not going to change, nor will it ever leave your mind as a memory. But think about all of this back and forth with her. She probably messaged you because she is weak and can't stand up emotionally on her own. And nobody else will give her any attention. She LOVES attention! So she's trying to come back to you because it's safe and comfortable. It is VERY possible that she's having a moment of clarity and really does love you (don't confuse love with an emotional crutch), but is not aware that she has codependency issues. But I don't know... There are 2 options you have from here. 1) You can choose to just move on with your life, learn to love yourself as if you were in LOVE with yourself and one day meet the woman of your dreams. This will take a lot of hard work, which it sounds like you're doing already. 2) You can open up the dialog again, but I warn you - this may not end well and you may get hurt again. If you want to do this, I would highly suggest that if you two decide to talk, you should do it in a couples counseling environment and commit to therapy together for at least 6 months. You both have a LOT of work to do! You're also probably thinking about her all the time because you're holding on to the positive and wonderful memories, emotional memories that you have never experienced with anyone before. Ask yourself, are you able to replicate those feelings within yourself without having someone in your life? I personally remember a time in my life when I would wake up in the morning happy! I didn't need anyone or anything to make me happy. I loved it... Anyway, much of what I've written is therapeutic for myself. I am having a moment of weakness, but deleted my exes number on Sunday. It's going to be painful, but focus on yourself first. You are your #1 priority. Not her, not me, just you. Oh, one last word. I think it's very healthy that you're praying. I am not religious, but am rather spiritual. So I found a spiritual church and go there when I can. I enjoy the company, the songs, the messages of 'loving yourself' and being true to who you are. It has helped me create community in my life, which I don't have because I don't have family here near me. OK, I think I've said enough... thank you for sharing and posting. Post more if you want to vent
Leeway Harris Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Hal, I see that you care for this woman, but you have to understand that she has problems you can't help her with. For her to behave like that, no matter what "mistakes" you might have made, indicates that something is very wrong. She cannot be anything but a destructive force in your life. Think of it this way: If you keep letting her back into your life, you're making it easier for her to continue her destructive habits. By cutting her off, you make it possible for her to face up to her problems, and maybe get the help she needs. So, if you find it hard to do it just for yourself, remember that remaining out of contact is the best thing for both of you, not just yourself.
Author hal22 Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 Thank you for your thoughts letsplaygofish and Leeway Harris. @letsplaygofish Your assumptions are logical but I learned from this relationship that it's not the way things work with her, she might even texted me that from her new guy's, place wouldn't be surprised at all. I think it's more about the guilt, she told me the last time we saw by accident each other at the party that I destroyed her life, but I guess she knows that it's not true, that its the opposite. I read on this forum that it's quite common for people who break up with someone to act this way so they don't feel guilty about themselves to project absolute nonsense to their exes. As for being happy on your own I've had a lot of moments in life like that, but I kind of learned along the way, like the last sentence from this movie suggests that "happiness begins only when it's shared" Anyway I think I will have to start taking medications because I developed eating and sleeping disorder. I lost a lot of weight and cant have more then couple of hours of sleep and usually really fast heartbeat wakes me up. I have to admit that i am in depression. It seems I can't rationalize my way out of this, and in other aspects of life I am very very rational person. And some things got even worse socially. A week or so ago I went to lunch with my very close friend (female friend) (and I don't have that many close friends), we are friend for years , and out of the blue she suggests that maybe it's time for us to get involved romantically. I thought I misunderstood her, but she insisted of talking in that direction, and asks me how i feel about break up, so when i told her that i was sad etc, she act's upset and even tells me "i thought you were more closer with me then with her". I thought somebody is got to be joking with me. Anyway i kind of talked our way out of that awkward situation but still felt she changed her attitude after. We talked on the phone yesterday it seems like it's back to normal but I still feel some new weirdness from her, and I care a lot about our friendship, don't know what is gotten into her. So one step forward two backwards, I have still distanced my self from people, still have anxieties if I go out that i might run into her, I still cant stop thinking about her. I sometimes think it would be easier to get out of heroin addiction then this.
Author hal22 Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 Hal, I see that you care for this woman, but you have to understand that she has problems you can't help her with. For her to behave like that, no matter what "mistakes" you might have made, indicates that something is very wrong. She cannot be anything but a destructive force in your life. Think of it this way: If you keep letting her back into your life, you're making it easier for her to continue her destructive habits. By cutting her off, you make it possible for her to face up to her problems, and maybe get the help she needs. So, if you find it hard to do it just for yourself, remember that remaining out of contact is the best thing for both of you, not just yourself. I know.
Recommended Posts