MalachiX Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I say **** him and **** his family. I get that he might be hurt that you lied. He has a right to be. However, it seems like he revealed something much worse about himself and his family. If they really view you as less of a person because you've slept with a few extra people then screw them. They have no right to judge you and they sound like a bunch of stuck up d-bags. Frankly, I think you might want to ask yourself WHY you love this guy. It sounds like (as another poster mentioned); you've got some self esteem issues tied to your sexuality. Having low self-esteem might lead to you to have sex with a lot of people and then (conversely) to latch on to someone conservative who judgemental of your old lifestyle. I don't think either extreme is really good for you.
Author gray917 Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 I've sat down and really considered all the reasons I love him and theres so many. We still speak everyday and he's had a positive attitude about this lately. His family hasn't said anything that I am aware of, besides his brother telling him everything he snooped on. He told me he has not told his mother. However he has mentioned that no one think this is reversible but he hopes it is.
crederer Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I've sat down and really considered all the reasons I love him and theres so many. We still speak everyday and he's had a positive attitude about this lately. His family hasn't said anything that I am aware of, besides his brother telling him everything he snooped on. He told me he has not told his mother. However he has mentioned that no one think this is reversible but he hopes it is. He has a positive attitude about what? He hopes what is reversable? That you had sex with more people than he has? I could be way off base but the only thing I can derive from this thread is that he's pissed you've had more partners than him. There's nothing for you to be sorry for (if that's the case).
Author gray917 Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Yeah hes upset about the number of partners but more upset about the fact that I lied. He hopes that I can rebuild his trust in me but doubts it.
The Shepherd Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 How do I permanently delete my account? | Facebook Help Center | Facebook I know some other information about facebook accounts, but I will contact them directly.
Versacehottie Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 ugh! what a hypocrite! He is on you about deception when he did exactly the same by having his brother hack into your old facebook. I absolutely think he was involved in having his brother do this. Otherwise why would the brother be interested? Rare chance that he didn't put his brother up to it, but assuming he didn't, he is still using the information obtained in this way against you. Also a bad sign of HIS character NOW. While he is judging you about yours before, his character now is seriously an issue. I would suggest walking away from this guy. He is treating you like a possession, not seeing you as a person and who you are and I doubt he will ever be able to get past this. You will continue to hear about it for rest of your time together. Actually it's a positive thing that you found out what kind of person HE is before you move forward. Think of it like that and walk away. Good luck!
Arabella Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) I never thought I'd agree with one of Ninja's posts, but yet, here we are. I agree 100% with everything he's said. OP, my SO did to me what you did to your boyfriend. He lied about his past number of partners (among other related things), when he knew that I was sexually conservative and I wanted someone like me. This was extremely important to me and made it clear many times, and I found out later on that he had lied about it. It felt like a knife had just gone through my heart and ripped it apart. The man I loved so much suddenly became a piece of trash in my eyes. I couldn't stand the sight of him, much less wanted to be affectionate towards him, or have sex. I still fiercely loved the man I thought he was, but I could not reconcile that person with the person he had become in my eyes. But of course, instead of leaving him like I should have, I forced myself to stay and forgive. What followed was six months of nearly daily fights that resulted in our relationship disintegrating piece by piece. He became resentful and abusive. So did I. During all this, we got pregnant (by choice) because we clearly weren't thinking straight. It has been 10 months since I found out about his lies, and I am currently 7 months pregnant. We've just BARELY begun to recover. The abuse has ended, and we seem to be on the mend... but we're both still very hurt over all that happened. Our relationship will probably never be the same again. I will probably never love him in the same way that I did before he chose to lie to me, not to mention the things I found out severely put me in conflict with my values. My advice is that you walk away from this relationship, for your own sake. He will never recover from this, even if he consciously chooses to forgive you. You are not the woman he thought he was, and now he thinks less of you. Walk away, and find someone whose values are in line with yours. Good luck, -A Edited December 3, 2013 by Arabella
Versacehottie Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 But of course, instead of leaving him like I should have, I forced myself to stay and forgive. What followed was six months of nearly daily fights that resulted in our relationship being horribly broken. He became resentful and abusive. Our relationship will probably never be the same again. I will probably never love him in the same way that I did before he chose to lie to me, not to mention the things I found out severely put me in conflict with my values. My advice is that you walk away from this relationship, for your own sake. He will never recover from this, even if he consciously chooses to forgive you. You are not the woman he thought he was, and now he thinks less of you. Walk away, and find someone whose values are in line with yours. Good luck, -A this is what i was talking about.
stillafool Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I'd I think your bigger problem in this relationship is that you are not Jewish. The religion is passed down through the mother so he may not be willing to marry outside the faith. I agree with the above. Usually religious Jewish people (especally men) do not marry outside of their faith. They want Jewish children and from what I understand they can ONLY come from a Jewish mother. I don't see how you two can move pass this especially now that his family is involved and know about your past.
stillafool Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 It seems weird to me that anyone would attempt to hack Facebook to check up on someone unless they were really suspicious. Besides that, what did you do, post how many guys you slept with on there? Dang. My only advice would be to accept your past, and find someone else willing to accept it. The family more than likely always thought he should be with a Jewish girl and were looking for reasons for him not to marry her. That is why he hacked FB and he found what he was looking for.
blueskyday Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Yes. I agree with Ninja and A. Bottom line is that you lied to and took away his ability to make an informed decision. I have had this happen to me in a big way. You never gave him a chance to accept your past. A relationship is built on trust which is based on truth. It's very hard now for him to love you but feel like he never knew who you really were. It makes him feel powerless and manipulated. There are consequences for what you chose to do. You may lose the relationship. All you can do is throw yourself at his mercy. He has the right to be utterly pissed. It took me a year to get over my SO's lies, but I will always feel like I settled and was tricked. His actions were in direct conflict with his so called " values." I thought his values were in line with mine. They clearly weren't. The worst of it all was the dishonesty to get what he wanted: me. That's the biggest opposition in values. Honesty is everything. I wished I had walked away on that point alone. 2
Under The Radar Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I don't think any reasonable person, with a heart, would deny it was wrong for her to be dishonest about her past. I understand why that would elicit resentment, distrust, and ambivalence about a person you "thought you knew". However, the abuse is absolutely out of line and unwarranted. My contention is strictly with that.
Arabella Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I don't think any reasonable person, with a heart, would deny it was wrong for her to be dishonest about her past. I understand why that would elicit resentment, distrust, and ambivalence about a person you "thought you knew". However, the abuse is absolutely out of line and unwarranted. My contention is strictly with that. Having been on her boyfriend's side, I will say this... Is it reasonable to expect someone who's just been betrayed and had their world turned upside down to be perfectly rational and collected? Many people wouldn't be able to. Not right or wrong... that's just reality. He has a right to express his pain and anger too. Should draw a firm line though... no screaming or name-calling should ever be allowed.
blueskyday Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 I was calm at first, then went ballistic. Betrayal cuts so deeply. I agree that no abuse should be happening, but raw emotion is messy. Talk to him about limits, like no screaming in your face or calling you names. Other than that, keep apologizing in the face of his anger ( hurt and fear). Seek to understand exactly what this new information brings up in him. What feelings, concerns, etc. Let him know you want to build a honest foundation. To even things out with him, it would help to be repentant and remorseful, all the while focussing on what you want for the future. I will tell you that you must be willing to back up everything you tell him, for a while at least. Do this humbly. 1
Under The Radar Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Having been on her boyfriend's side, I will say this... Is it reasonable to expect someone who's just been betrayed and had their world turned upside down to be perfectly rational and collected? Many people wouldn't be able to. Not right or wrong... that's just reality. He has a right to express his pain and anger too. Should draw a firm line though... no screaming or name-calling should ever be allowed. Again, I agree it's not only acceptable, but expected, for someone in that situation to feel like "their world has been turned upside down". However, there is never a reason to become abusive; there is simply no justification for that behavior. Clearly it's understood that the betrayed partner should be allowed to convey their pain, feelings, and mistrust ...... no rational human being would dare argue that. Nevertheless, if you cannot do that, or aren't able to forgive, the right thing to do is walk away from the relationship.
mortensorchid Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 WOW, you have a SITUATION here! I think all you can do in this situation at this point is to say to your bf the following : "Listen (name), I have a past. This this and this happened, I fully admit and do not deny. I did not tell you about it because, it's the past, I have moved on, and I am a different person today partially because of it. You didn't know about this in the past until (recent date), it doesn't change our past, it should not affect our future." I think what really bothers me (aside from the brother hacking into your old FB page) is his reaction at this moment. He has not decided which he is going to do - forget it and move forward with you, or walk away from you and move on. He has not decided either at this point, and now you're in the middle of the emotional roller coaster. I think the best and only thing you can do at this point is to say what I said above, then leave it in his hands to decide once and for all. I hate to say it, but odds do not look good for you. 1
Author gray917 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 I understand he is hurt and I have allowed him to convey that. He has told me we will remain together to work on this. He said it takes time and I agree with him. His family had told him they were okay with me not being jewish his mother has always been kind to me. He told me he only spoke to his rabbi and father about it because he cannot go through it alone the same way I have confided in my girlfriends during this time. He hasn't continued abusive behavior because I made it a point to mention that if he treats me like a criminal it doesn't make him any better a person. He is sorry that we're both in pain but he says he still loves me just does not know how to trust me right now (understandable) and he doesn't see me the same. We agreed to have a in person conversation when he is ready and when we can both find time to. He said he is afraid to see me because he thinks he will get caught up in his heart and feelings and not think logically.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 WOW, you have a SITUATION here! I think all you can do in this situation at this point is to say to your bf the following : "Listen (name), I have a past. This this and this happened, I fully admit and do not deny. I did not tell you about it because, it's the past, I have moved on, and I am a different person today partially because of it. You didn't know about this in the past until (recent date), it doesn't change our past, it should not affect our future." I think what really bothers me (aside from the brother hacking into your old FB page) is his reaction at this moment. He has not decided which he is going to do - forget it and move forward with you, or walk away from you and move on. He has not decided either at this point, and now you're in the middle of the emotional roller coaster. I think the best and only thing you can do at this point is to say what I said above, then leave it in his hands to decide once and for all. I hate to say it, but odds do not look good for you. Sorry mortensorchid, you cannot tell someone how they should feel about something just because it is in your opinion that it is no longer irrelevant...I'm sure the United States would love to get the monkey off it's back when it comes to slavery or native americans but the past is the past doesn't fly too for their argument...maybe in another 100 years? The past definitely reflects on the future, if you had no had this past you could not be the person you are today and you have no way of assessing whether or not you'd be better off without it or with it because it was a result of your decisions...looking at the past as a "positive" thing regardless of what had taken place is really just a way of trying to take the good out of it and move on...but it's your past, because it was your choices to contend with and nobody put a gun to your head to do any of it so as long as that was within your power to choose that is something that you are still accountable for...and even to go deeper the sex is usually an indication of something deeper, an issue she likely still has to contend with still. I understand he is hurt and I have allowed him to convey that. He has told me we will remain together to work on this. He said it takes time and I agree with him. His family had told him they were okay with me not being jewish his mother has always been kind to me. He told me he only spoke to his rabbi and father about it because he cannot go through it alone the same way I have confided in my girlfriends during this time. He hasn't continued abusive behavior because I made it a point to mention that if he treats me like a criminal it doesn't make him any better a person. He is sorry that we're both in pain but he says he still loves me just does not know how to trust me right now (understandable) and he doesn't see me the same. We agreed to have a in person conversation when he is ready and when we can both find time to. He said he is afraid to see me because he thinks he will get caught up in his heart and feelings and not think logically. You have allowed him to "convey" that he's hurt and how he feels...wow...what an...honor? let me guess, you would rather just sweep it under some rug and pretend the whole thing to go away with a "sorry"....ahh if the world only worked that way, then what would be the consequence of doing anything at all? Still you don't owe him anything beyond the explanation, it doesn't mean you should put up with abuse...however considering the circumstances and emotions that seems like an unrealistic expectation. He will never look at you or respect the same ever again, regardless of whether he wrestles with this internal conflict or not...your relationship is forever changed, and these are the moments that determine the compatibility of the relationship long-term...so you might just see this as a small crack right now and continue to build on it and "put it behind you" but it's not going to magically go away...it will always be there...but you seem like you'd be the hard-headed stubborn type and I'm sure since you were willing to lie to him just to "catch" this guy you'll go above and beyond to keep him, I know your type doesn't walk away at this point...you already manipulated the situation in the first place. Stop acting like this is shared pain, it's pretty much his pain to endure but you're all hurt and worried that he'll leave you...more like some paranoia you'd lose the relationship and normal girl crap...he's got to contend with his personal values and beliefs...something far more internal and deep, I wouldn't be surprised if you just act like this is all situations where you would lose a man in a relationship. He's not going to think logically, at least you did succeed in "catching" him deep enough since he cannot just react that way he wants to...which is by leaving you, he'll try...and a mixture of love and hate will ensue...but wait until you reach the next phase of the relationship where that overwhelming love feeling doesn't black out the rest of the underlying resentment...you're incompatible and broke a significant barrier of trust and values, you have dark days to come...you just don't know it yet...but learn the hard way, you'll see. He needs to leave, hopefully he has the balls to do it...it's the right thing at this point. 1
Author gray917 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 You have allowed him to "convey" that he's hurt and how he feels...wow...what an...honor? let me guess, you would rather just sweep it under some rug and pretend the whole thing to go away with a "sorry"....ahh if the world only worked that way, then what would be the consequence of doing anything at all? Still you don't owe him anything beyond the explanation, it doesn't mean you should put up with abuse...however considering the circumstances and emotions that seems like an unrealistic expectation. Stop acting like this is shared pain, it's pretty much his pain to endure but you're all hurt and worried that he'll leave you...more like some paranoia you'd lose the relationship and normal girl crap...he's got to contend with his personal values and beliefs...something far more internal and deep, I wouldn't be surprised if you just act like this is all situations where you would lose a man in a relationship. I used the word convey because it was in response to a previous post. I came here for insight not judgment of my character and who you think you peg me to be. I came here because I don't act like this in all situations, I've been okay with walking away from relationships before. I asked for insight because I feel differently for this person. It may not be shared pain and I'm not trying to shoo away my wrongs, I do hurt, and I hurt because I inflected this upon him. I don't think it's right for me to not attempt to make a mends. If he told me that he could not fathom making this work, I would let it be and walk away, but he hasn't. I'm just trying to get insight on how I could go about rebuilding trust, if it fails we both know why but at least there was an effort made.
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