Lied about my past, now attempting to mend things

[gray917]

I am sorry if this is long, but I'm really looking for some insight on my situation;

 

While I was in high school I was promiscuous and made mistakes that have been a burden on me and I regret them, I have changed for the better, I have become a conservative old fashion kind of person. Four years later I have met my wonderful boyfriend, who is religious (Jewish), consevative, we met online and had a real connection. When we met for the first time we really clicked and eventually we fell in love. Since he is religious he had explained to me this relationship was serious and he was looking to marry, mind you I come from a non religious hispanic family and he is Israeli, and we had discussed the subject of me converting. I lied about my past number of partners to him because I knew he would not have given me the chance if i told him the truth. It had been killing me and I was thinking of how to tell him because I had so much guilt hiding something from the person I love.

 

His younger brother happens to be a hacker and found a way to get into my deleted facebook account and told my boyfriend all about my past by reading through my messages. I admitted to everything when my boyfriend confronted me about it. I felt so awful I knew i hurt him so bad. I begged him to give me the chance to regain his trust. He told me that he would keep telling people we were together but the moment he feels that I have given up we're done.

 

Now its been about 5 days since the whole debaucle. It's been quite a roller coaster. I feel like I am trying to put a puzzle back together in the dark. He has lashed out at me and called me disgusting and used and he says he doesn't believe that it can be fixed. I tell him I won't give up because I love him. He tells me he fell in love for a lie. I deal with all the jabs he's dealt calmly because I know he's hurt and it kills me I betrayed his trust. I also mailed him a letter. He refused to see me in person, and its been so hard to not see him I feel like part of me is missing. He tells me that it would be hard for his culture to accept me and this was not the life he wanted. Then he randomly texts me he loves me and forgives me. Yesterday he recieved my letter in the mail and he actually called me and started joking with me like we used to. Then we chatted online a bit then he lashed out again. I called him and he said he really hopes I can fix this but its the consequence of my lying and that no one thinks that I can fix this. Today we spoke normally and he told me he missed me. I know things aren't going to magically change in a course of days or weeks.

 

I am really at a lost, I want to fix it because I truly love him and it kills me that I hurt him. But I know with his background, culture, and religion its hard to accept me, and his father knows about this but not his mother. His family lives in Israel, but he lives in the States. His friends also know. He says that he wants me to fix it but doesn't think I can.

 

Please any insight would be helpful

[GemmaUK]

How on earth you are supposed to 'fix' something that was in your past I don't know.

 

It's your past. It doesn't mean it's who you are today and you can't go back and change it without time travel. Has he said what you are expected to do in order to 'fix it'?

 

You say he has lashed out.

Has he lashed out at his brother also for hacking into your old account or is that deemed as acceptable behaviour?

I think that is appalling behaviour.

 

Seriously I would be looking into your different cultures and what might be expected of you should you end up marrying him.

 

Sorry, this is not what you want to hear but I would be very concerned if you were a friend or relative of mine. ((hugs)).

[ExpatInItaly]

How on earth you are supposed to 'fix' something that was in your past I don't know.

 

It's your past. It doesn't mean it's who you are today and you can't go back and change it without time travel. Has he said what you are expected to do in order to 'fix it'?

 

You say he has lashed out.

Has he lashed out at his brother also for hacking into your old account or is that deemed as acceptable behaviour?

I think that is appalling behaviour.

 

Seriously I would be looking into your different cultures and what might be expected of you should you end up marrying him.

 

Sorry, this is not what you want to hear but I would be very concerned if you were a friend or relative of mine. ((hugs)).

 

This, x100. Why the hell was his brother snooping around in your personal information? Did your boyfriend put him up to it? That is disturbing.

 

There's nothing you can do to change your past. You can commit to being more honest from this point on, but it seems to me that your boyfriend is going to use this information to hold over your head for a long time. He can choose to walk away if he cannot handle that you weren't what you presented yourself to be. That is his prerogative. But you can also choose to walk away from this mess if your boyfriend doesn't work with you to mend things. He doesn't get use this as an excuse to be a jerk to you.

[d0nnivain]

I'd tell him that he fell for the women you are now, not the child you were in high school. People change. If he can't see that & manage to forgive you his a hypocrite who needs to re-evaluate his own relationship with the God who is so important to him because not forgiving, is not God-like.

 

If the lines of communication are still open & it sounds like they are, just give him some time to process.

 

I think your bigger problem in this relationship is that you are not Jewish. The religion is passed down through the mother so he may not be willing to marry outside the faith.

[oldshirt]

You need to open your eyes to the bigger picture here.

 

You have been sold a bad bill of goods here too. He is accusing you of pretending to be something you are not (which is true, he has just cause to reconsider this relationship) But he has been portraying himself as something he is not in way too.

 

You have been dating some guy that was sweet and charming and nice and kind to you. You claim to have fallen in love but you fell in love with the guy that was sweet and charming and treated you with deference.

 

HOWEVER! How is he treating you now????????????

 

Now you are being treated as a tainted, skanky ho that is not worthy of his charm and deference and his family has treated you like some kind of criminal and some kind of scheming mole that needed to be sniffed out and disposed of.

 

This is not going to go away. This is not going to be smoothed over with promises and declarations of love and devotion.

 

Neither of you are what you have portrayed yourselves to be. You each have fallen in love with the illusions that you have each portrayed to the other.

 

He has lost a ton of respect and honor for you and due to cultural and religious differences and beliefs and values, he will never be able to look at you and feel about you with the same esteem again.

 

And that's just him, think about how his family and his parents and his siblings are going to look at you and treat you! You are filth and scum and disgust in their eyes. They will never accept you and never treat you with proper dignity and respect.

 

They are always going to go digging through your underwear drawer looking for skid marks to show him.

 

This is a relationship that should have never been. I understand that both of you have feelings for each other but those feelings were based in large part on illusions that each of you had for each other.

 

He and his family were nice to you and treated you with common curtesy and respect when they thought you were pure. Now they are treating you like pond scum.

 

They are treating you like scum for something that happened years ago in your youth. They are revealing to you their true nature and their true nature is judgemental, intolerant and disrespectful.

 

You are trying to sooth your shame by making it up to him and trying to appease him. You are trying to back-pedal and play catch-up ball so that you look better in his eyes.

 

This is the wrong perspective and you are going about it all wrong. You need to be running for hills to GET AWAY FROM THEM!!!! You need to get away from him and his family before his mother and sisters dump a bucket of gas on you and throw in a match.

 

Turn around and walk away. This is a person and a family you want nothing to do with.

[oldshirt]

.

. He says that he wants me to fix it but doesn't think I can.

 

 

This is not for you to "fix." they are the ones that are acting badly. You can not "fix" there religious beliefs. you can not 'fix' their values. You can not 'fix' their judgements. And you can not fix their attitudes and their feelings or behaviors.

 

Nor can you fix or undo your past.

 

You two have differing cultures, religions, beliefs, attitudes and values. That can't be fixed.

 

 

Read my other post several times until it soaks in.

[Under The Radar]

I hate to say it, but OLDSHIRT is spot on with his posts to you. In fact, after you read my post, go back and re-read his again.

 

Yes, you should have been honest about your past when these things were discussed with your boyfriend. You state the past was purposely hidden because you new he would not approve and give you the chance to date him. However, you want the person you are with to accept you for who you are: Past and Present.

 

For somebody to truly love you then respect must also accompany that love - otherwise it is a façade. They only "love" you when things are going along perfectly in their mind. It is an illusion based on a fantasy in their head that you have no faults. Your boyfriend has a past, too, and I sincerely doubt he has never regretted any decisions he's made in his life before meeting you. I also know he's lied at some point in his life, too, because WE ALL HAVE in the course of living. His reaction, with the abusive behavior, is a huge "red flag" in this situation. It shows you a part of his personality that WILL present itself again if the relationship continues. Yes, I can understand him being hurt, but his subsequent treatment of you is cruel and entirely inappropriate.

 

His family and friends knowing your past is not something that will go away either. Though I believe they are being closed minded, and mean, they will continue to influence him. His family, which you state is Conservative Jewish, will not ever accept you or your past. You stated he has forgiven you in a text message, but has he really? Watch ...... over the course of time THIS WILL come up again. In future arguments, or simple day to day activities, his resentment of you will poke its ugly head time and time again (including his family).

 

I am very sorry this has happened and I feel empathy for you. My guess is you will have to learn the hard way ...... most of us do. Nevertheless, my suggestion is to leave and not look back. If you choose to stay, misery awaits, I can guarantee that.

Edited December 1, 2013 by Training Revelations

[oldshirt]

I

. You state the past was purposely hidden because you new he would not approve and give you the chance to date him.

 

 

Yeah, you have to take some responsibility here. You sold him a fraudulent Bill of Goods.

 

You were not what you presented yourself to be. His values and beliefs may be different for yours or mine or many other people's here in the west, but his core values and beliefs are important to him and his family.

 

You intentionally deceived them. They have the right to be pissed and feel dishonored and disgusted by you and have the right to never trust you or honor you again.

 

this will not go away.

[Under The Radar]

IMO, this has more to do with your boyfriend's (and his family's) personal values over religion. I come from Jewish Parents, have spent time in Israel, and have many Orthodox Jewish friends (which is a higher level of observance than conservative Jews). I don't practice Judaism as a religion (I subscribe to no religion), but I'm not ignorant to many of the customs/beliefs. Israel itself is about 80% secular and most people living there identify with Judaism culturally ...... not religiously.

 

Anyway, as already mentioned, you cannot "fix" anything. You do not need to apologize to him or his family for your past. I know plenty of Jews that would accept you (especially because you were willing to convert) , given the past, if they were truly were in love with the girl. Like I said, chalk it up to a profound incompatibility in values, not Judaism as a religion.

Edited December 1, 2013 by Training Revelations

[oldshirt]

 

Yes, I can understand him being hurt, but his subsequent treatment of you is cruel and entirely inappropriate.

 

His family and friends knowing your past is not something that will go away either.

 

Though I believe they are being closed minded, and mean, they will continue to influence him. His family, which you state is Conservative Jewish, will not ever accept you or your past.

 

 

You stated he has forgiven you in a text message, but has he really? Watch ...... over the course of time THIS WILL come up again. In future arguments, or simple day to day activities, his resentment of you will poke its ugly head time and time again (including his family).

 

. If you choose to stay, misery awaits, I can guarantee that.

 

 

Yes. Reread this again too^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

They are treating you badly and treating you like trash. this is not going to end.

 

And yes, his words are probably saying that he forgives you and wants to work it out, but his actions are going to indicate otherwise.

 

Any time you have a squabble or a disagreement he is going to through this in your face. Any time you do something that the family doesn't approve of 100% they are going to point out all your faults and try to get him to leave you.

 

(any time you do do something they like, they are just going to say you are doing it to suck up, so you are really screwed either way)

 

There is no future here. only misery, disrespect and cruel treatment directed towards you.

[FitChick]

I'd like to know how the brother hacked into a DELETED Facebook account. This should scare a lot of people. Have the Obamacare website developers been hired by Facebook? I'd contact Facebook and tell them they need to increase their security.

[gray917]

Thank you for all your help. He only told me that his father is disappointed I lied. This is not the first time his brother has hacked into something of mine. My boyfriend says that no one approves of what he does but they can't really stop him.

 

I see what you guys are saying that this won't ever go away, he won't ever forget. I also know that he is a Sephardic Jew. When he said fix it, he meant to regain his trust. Part of me wants to work on that but the other part of me is preparing to have to walk away.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I believe that truth always comes out at some point or other, so lying to him was a really bad move here because you jeopardized the entire relationship...in his eyes you sold yourself as someone who you are not, someone with past that is less than acceptable for him considering his values and beliefs...and those are core to people, that's how people identify with their being and purpose...so you should have never lied about those things just to get a relationship out of it, it isn't worth it...you were better off revealing your past especially knowing it was something he'd be hurt about if he ever knew the truth and you'd essentially always have to live with the fact that your lie gave you a relationship you likely would not otherwise have...a pretty selfish move indeed.

 

It is your past, it is for you to contend with...not everyone thinks the past is the past and nobody is obligated to accept it, the past effects the future and someone with your past is going to have a different outlook than someone who does not...experience is experience, it just doesn't magically go away because you've "learned from it and grew as a person into who you are today yadda yadda yadda"...it's not your right to lie to someone just to get what you want because you feel it's irrelevant if you're looking for an honest and genuine relationship.

 

I'm sure he feels double-stabbed now, because not only did you lie about your past the truth came out and now he has to contend with the bigger wound of you essentially betraying him. You embarrassed him and his family, because he didn't know...his brother had to find out and essentially "save" him.

 

I truly hope he leaves you and lets you go soon because I think in the end he's always going to be resentful and upset over this and that's just going to tear away at him internally forever...it's just too against his values, however I know nothing about Jewish culture or what not but it's got to be a serious offense for anyone who values that "purity" situation where you should be a virgin or something close to it...you essentially gave away a part of you that you can never take back in his eyes and therefore may be unworthy or less deserving of the treatment that is provided for such a sacrifice.

 

At any rate, I don't know how someone who was promiscuous suddenly becomes a born again virgin and claims to be conservative...I don't think you're forced to being labeled or criticized but you simply aren't or weren't a conservative woman and compared to a conservative woman in which he is looking for, that type of woman wouldn't have been in your position or situation because of her own values/morals about sex...so incompatibility right there, you can't go back to being a virgin essentially and classically "conservative" as a woman who's been that way her entire life not just apart of it. It's not about sex, it's about shared values.

 

I think the best thing to do is just walk away before things get really bad....he will definitely slander you and I know you want to think it's all a phase and he's just upset but it's much bigger than that, but you seriously violated his values outright and utterly in so many ways he is not going to be able to just sweep that under the rug because he "loves you" but you just don't really understand how this works and the impact of this all will be....you should have never been with this guy in the first place, things should have ended way back then so you got through this stage with manipulation and you're going to continue doing so because you're hoping his feelings that you developed while you were living this lie with him are enough to keep him around.

 

Nothing for you to fix, you got caught in lies and it's coming back to burn you...it's really up to him whether he can forgive you for it and since he's going to be conflicted I'm sure you're going to get a roller-coaster but I believe for your own sanity, self-esteem and all of that you should leave because this will very likely go down in utter flames rather than this make-believe process of healing and repairing this "problem" you don't get the fact that this is just a major fundamental problem...you're trying to fix the door or living room in the house but the foundation itself is "bad"...it's not the right fit, you're not what he was looking for and these are the things that are important in a long-term relationship especially with his religious family...who knows what the dad thinks, but if he's like the son then he's probably already lost a ton of respect for you already and it might be best before you get branded with the scarlet letter, which is just going to make you feel worse about your past...your past is yours but it doesn't mean it's irrelevant to his values. You need someone who is willing to accept that.

[Keenly]

My only advice is that " converting " to another religion for some one is a terrible idea, because they will expect you to be as devout and proud of the religion as they are. Which is just not going to happen .

[Iguanna]

Can I ask you something? There is no need you answer to me, just to yourself. Do you have self esteem issues coming from the fact that you used to have an extreme sexual life? Do you believe that you are "damaged" so you can't find another man other than this guy to do you the favor and love you? He told you you are used. You are a young American woman, how can you take this from the man you love, with the man you plan to bring children in the world one day? How do you think will this man raise a future daughter? Do you really believe in all these things (which are totally respectable) or do you accept them cause you think you won't find another man in your life?

[gray917]

I didn't lie about not being a virgin we were both on the same page with that, but I lied about the number of partners. I don't know how I can walk away from this.

[crederer]

Why the hell would his brother hack your account? Your boyfriend hacked it or wanted his brother to, in my opinion. The reality is your past doesn't matter. If it matters to him THAT much then he's not the right guy for you. It's really none of his business how many partners you've been with and it's a question I've learned to never ask or answer cause it never works in my favour when I do.

 

Sorry to be so blunt about it, however I feel it's the truth.

[Under The Radar]

I didn't lie about not being a virgin we were both on the same page with that, but I lied about the number of partners. I don't know how I can walk away from this.

 

 

You can walk away because the disclosure prompted and revealed an abusive side to his personality. Yes, you should have been honest with him, but he is completely out of line for treating you poorly now that he knows your past.

 

If he cannot handle it then he has every right to end the relationship. However, his cruelty towards you since he found out is not his right, or acceptable behavior, in a healthy relationship.

 

As already stated, if you refuse to walk away from the relationship, understand that the abuse, snide remarks, distrust, and general nastiness WILL continue.

[TheGuard13]

I don't see how this can be fixed. He either likes you for who you are, or he doesn't. You shouldn't have lied, because that just delayed this happening.

 

 

Dump his ass, but first, have sex with his brother in revenge.

[StanMusial]

It seems weird to me that anyone would attempt to hack Facebook to check up on someone unless they were really suspicious. Besides that, what did you do, post how many guys you slept with on there? Dang.

 

My only advice would be to accept your past, and find someone else willing to accept it.

[crederer]

It seems weird to me that anyone would attempt to hack Facebook to check up on someone unless they were really suspicious. Besides that, what did you do, post how many guys you slept with on there? Dang.

 

My only advice would be to accept your past, and find someone else willing to accept it.

 

I have a feeling she slept with like 10 guys in her entire life and told her bf that she slept with 2 or 3 (including him).

 

 

But at the end of the day it really doesn't matter how many she slept with.

[gray917]

crederer is right thats what I did. I didn't post it on facebook, his brother had read through my messages from a few years ago. We just had a phone conversation and we both decided that when he is ready to see me we will have an in person conversation. He also said if he already knows something and we spoke about it we don't have to bring it up again that there is no reason to, I'm not sure what he means.

[lino]

What was on this deleted Facebook that would allude to you sleeping with a lot of men?

 

I wouldn't want a girl that advertises how many guys she f*cks on Facebook either

[gray917]

There was no advertising, he read through private messages between me and my ex or my close friends on a deleted facebook acount.

[FitChick]

There was no advertising, he read through private messages between me and my ex or my close friends on a deleted facebook acount.

You need to report this to Facebook. Seriously.