3 year relationship ended by him via phone call, now he acts like I dont exist.

[soozeesoo]

I have no idea what to do. Here's the scenario: It's five days before Christmas and my boyfriend is travelling home from university. I have been home for a week already and can't wait to see him. Because of our workloads at university we haven't seen each other for three weeks but speak every day on the phone. However, today he calls me the minute he arrives back at home and tells me that he 'can't be in this relationship'. He also said that he doesn't love me.

 

He is not a nasty guy and we have always been honest with each other about the state of our relationship. We always tried to fix problems as they came about. This time though it was just a phone call without any real explanation. It wasn't because we hadn't been seeing each other (because we were planning on seeing each other the day he phoned) and just a few days before he had been telling me he loved me. He has been having a lot of problems with university and his home life recently and I try to help but it seems like I am the one thing he can let go of easily.

 

THREE YEARS being together and all I get is a short phone call??? I didn't try to contact him after this until the day after Christmas when I found that his mobile phone is switched off and his mum tells me that he isn't there (I could hear him in the background). Now it is 10 days after that phone call and I have sent him a letter saying that I am happy for him to move on with his life, I just need closure and to be able to say goodbye.

 

Every part of my life revolves around him. With this lack of contact I feel like I am mourning his death.

My question is, because he said he no longer loves me does that mean I should just leave him alone? I don't really want him back because it could never be the same but I want him to speak to me at least. I love him and I think I deserve more than this. After three years being with someone just cutting them out of your life is cruel.

 

If I hear nothing from him now, what shall I do???

[indigo_moon]

I am really sorry you're going through this, it must be such a shock and so hurtful.

 

I don't ever understand why people do these things but I've read many similar stories on forums such as these........where everything seems to be going great in a relationship, one minute the person is professing their love and they can't wait to see their partner and the next day they've broken it off, without any reason, by telephone or email. I don't get it.

 

And yes, closure is so important for beginning to "move on" but unfortunately you can't force someone to give you reasons or closure.

 

My only thought is that something bad happened between the last time you 2 spoke and his arrival back home......maybe he got kicked out of University? Failed a course badly such that he won't graduate on time? Did something stupid (like cheated on you) and can't bear to face you? There has to be a reason but you will only get it from him if and when he's ready to give it to you, though he owes you a lot more.

 

I would not contact him again. You sent the letter expressing your desire to meet with him in person to talk about why he's done this and he's not responding so as hard as it's going to be, don't go chasing him. If anything, be angry.........transfer your hurt and shock into anger because what he did to you was a rotten, cruel, cowardly thing to do..........and running on anger for awhile will at least keep you from making desperate attempts to get answers from him. He should already know, after 3 yrs together, that he owes you an explanation............so you don't need to even ask..........but if he won't give you one, there's not much you can do but show him you're moving on because you deserve better than this kind of coldhearted BS.

 

What was his Mom like when you spoke with her?

 

Have you heard any rumors from mutual friends as to what's going on with him? Do you have any mutual friends who might have some clue as to what's going on?

 

Have you ever had any reason to mistrust him or suspect he'd met someone else?

[moon]

soozeesoo --

Tha's harsh. He broke up with you over the phone!? That's not nice at all. I also agree that you sent the letter and maybe leave it at that for a while. If you are going to contact him again, I'd wait say a month or two until you get your feelings and head together. Calling him repeatedly right now, when you are greiving, probably isn't going to help matters. You are in a state of shock. I think the real shock will probably go away in a few weeks and then you'll probably need at least another months to get used to things. At that point if you haven't heard a word from him you might get a better reception from him (after time has passed). Maybe he doesn't even have all his feelings together right now. So I'd give this whole thing (not matter how hard it sounds) a good cooling off period, until you feel more relaxed to actually have a constructive conversation with him. That's on your end. If he calls you before that then good, you can get those things off of your chest. But I'd practive no contact for at least a few months. Sooner or later he'll most likely talk to you. You just need to realize how crucial that cooling off period is for you and him. Immediate responses to these types of matters are usually not so forthcoming. After time has passed (guilt might set in for him too) you'll probably get the real answers you are looking for. Right now you might just hear insults or crying apologies, that aren't probably going to lead to a reconcilation.

[hit the floor]

hey,

 

trust me don't call....

 

my husband left me and our 13 year old daughter on July 18, 2004. he had been on a trip for the weekend and on the Sunday he pulled up in his car and said he wasn't in love with me any more.

 

i called relentless, like a fool, many times a day. it only infuriated him and lowered my self-esteem. sometimes he would turn his phone off.

 

try really hard to not call or write him. a friend once told me to write a letter, but not send it for two weeks. at the end of the two weeks re-read the letter and if you wouldn't change a word than mail it....

 

the other piece of advice I can only offer you is to really think about whether you want him back. as stated earlier, my 14 year relationship ended this past July. he has left me numerous times - too many to count - each time I would wait for his return and when he did return the bar was raised just a bit higher for me...maybe i wasn't sexual enough for him or i didn't cater to him, or i didn't clean his clothes enough...over the years you will lose yourself and your world will revolve around him and you will lose your emotional security. the sad thing is you won't even know it is happening to you.

 

you deserved a lot better than what you got and if he did this once, he will do it again (i know that sounds harsh and cynical), but after the ordeal i've thru i wish i never empowered him 13 years ago because now i am alone with a 13 year old daughter continually asking myself what is wrong with me. don't follow my path...take your pain now and learn from this, grow from this and love will find you.

 

take care,

 

hit the floor - LP

[jcs0521]

Hun, I really feel for you, the exact same thing happened to me. Almost three years ended with a phone call. I thought things were great between us.

 

This was mid september time, I tried getting explanations, sent letters and have had no response. He came out with excuses that contradicted themselves.....not proper reasons.

 

I know it's hard, the pain is unbearable. So many questions going thru your mind. It will get better with time. Hang in there. Try and find your closure for yourself, unfortunately he may not be so kind as to give it to you. Read self help books, watch movies that you love, surround yourself with people you know who care about you. Look after yourself.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by soozeesoo

THREE YEARS being together and all I get is a short phone call???

 

I expect he had been going through a lengthy 'falling out of love' period, but just failed to tell you as it was happening. Unfortunately, by the time someone lets you know - its too late to do anything about it. I expect he didn't tell you what was going on with him, because he had no intention of fixing anything, he just wanted to let it die slowly and when it would have been the most convenient and less painful for himself, he let you go. It seemed sudden, but I expect he had it in mind for a while.

 

Falling out of love is a sad fact of life. It nearly always is done this way: a long period where one partner starts shutting down his heart secretly (though many people can pick up that something is wrong), and then after a time shuts down his partner. It seems abrupt, but for the person breaking up it is like pulling the plug on a terminal patient after far too much long drawn out life support.

 

They seem cold, distant and emotionless. You can say "how can you do this to me after all we've shared, and how long we've been together" - and not realize that the person breaking up already weighed this in his mind and over a long process found that it didn't matter and allowed his/her feelings to die anyway. You may as well be asking a corpse why it died.

 

Reconciliation after this is nearly impossible. People try to get their partners back using a number of tactics: guilt, nostalgia, obligation and sometimes love can grow from this but its rare. Once someone lets go, the last thing they want is to be dragged back into it after it took so long to disengage from it in the first place.

 

Best for all involved to just let it go. Its ugly, breaking up. Nothing pretty about it. I'm sorry that your boyfriend had the utter lack of tact to do it over the phone though. He must have let you go in his heart a while ago to do something that emotionless and brutal.

 

What to do? There is a saying that goes: We don't learn from our successes, we learn from our mistakes. Start a journal. Keep it for as many months as you had years together. A three-month journal. Write down everything you remember. Pour all your pain into it. Don't edit yourself: include all the bad stuff too, even bad feeling you may have had for him. Try to keep it as objective as you can. The more you write and reflect, the more you are likely to take away things you learned from the relationship.

 

At the end of three months, you may find yourself with a completely different perspective.

[murasaki]

I've been through similar situations, a couple of times actually, and I know what it can do to your self-esteem. It's hard to deal with unanswered questions, and to wonder if your sense of reality is completely flawed -- how could you not see this coming, etc?

 

I agree that this was probably something brewing for a while within your boyfriend. What I've come to learn -- in part, I admit, from the feeble help the second guy who did this to me was able to provide re why he did what he did -- is that yes, there were problems, complications, etc. that the person breaking up was struggling with. But chances are, the reason they never raised these things with you, never gave you a chance to help address them, was because they were afraid to lose you. It's not necessarily a cold-hearted process of one person falling out of love and not revealing that fact until the love is gone. I think it's often more a case of cowardice: being afraid to have difficult discussions, being afraid to admit things about themselves (ways they've changed, etc.), and most of all, being afraid of breaking up with you. The phone call break-up is a huge indicator of cowardice. An ex who supposedly wanted to marry me broke up with me from half-way around the world after we'd just spent a lovely week together. If he weren't a coward, he would have broken up with me face-to-face when he had the opportunity. He then cut me off and refused to communicate for nearly a year!

 

I agree with the others that you shouldn't try to force your ex to communicate with you now. But don't beat yourself up worrying about what went wrong, what you did, etc. I'd be willing to bet it was nothing in particular. If your ex had a real reason to be upset with you, you'd know about it. This sounds to me like a guy who was afraid to have a conversation that might lead to the two of you breaking up, so he let things go until he could no longer ignore the problems ... and then he broke up with you in a cowardly, disrespectful way.

 

It's ironic that people like this, in choosing to not be open, put themselves on a path towards the very thing that part of them desperately wanted to avoid: breaking up with you. The more he held back and brooded, the more inevitable breaking up became for him. But he's the one that magnified it, he's the one that let things fester until amputation was the only possible solution. Take it as a testament that you were valued, albeit by an emotional coward. Lastly, don't look to him for answers. I'll bet that part of the reason he's behaved in such a fashion is that he isn't fully aware of why himself. That doesn't mean there isn't a reason, just that he's not cognizant of it. You'll have to find a way to write this off yourself. Don't be afraid to be negative about your ex. You probably never imagined he was capable of something like this, but you see now that he's not the person you thought he was.

 

Take care. Keep writing here, especially when you feel the strong urge to get in touch with him.

[DoggyDog]

For all the PAIN us woman go thru when the guy uses a cowards way out thru a PHONE CALL.....LET HIM EAT SH__T and TASTE his WASTE..

 

Mine did the same, four days after being with me (LDR)...Know how I'm handling it??? I'm pretending he turned GAY...lol This is working for me and it will be 2 months shortly. At first, I know it was ME...I was demanding and needing more and more...but in order for me not to blame me and put myself down, I decided that he is GAY and no way can I compete with THAT.

 

Try something similar...I promise it works and you will feel better. Of course, when I start to feel bad...I keep reminding myself that he's GAY and I'm not into kinky (well maybe a little )