Reconciling after divorce....Any advise???

[BlueFalcon]

Hi All,

 

Hopefully I finally found a forum that might help...

 

I’m going through a bit of confusion after a wonderful Christmas night with my ex-wife. My ex-wife invited me and out children over to her house for Christmas dinner with her family, because I didn't have any plans. At first I was a little apprehensive but thought it would be good for our children to see us getting along. We have been divorced for about 16 months after being married for 12 years; we dated for 5 years prior to getting married. The separation started in 2002 so we haven't been together for any length of time for over 2 years. We both said and did things towards each other that were hurtful and damaging, so much that I thought I hated her and she hated me, both during the separation and after the divorce.

 

Anyway, Christmas dinner went very well considering it seemed to have started off a little tense. We had dinner; we all joked about old times and talked about current events. Her mother, grand-parents, aunt, sister and brother in-law were there as well and we all had a good time. I had another Christmas party to go to but decided not to leave because I was having a good time and wanted it to last. After a few drinks my ex and I even started to flirt with each other and soon enough we ended up in each others arms. We hugged and kissed each other like we use to when we were first married and told each other we were sorry and that we missed each other. I didn't spend the night because I didn't want to confuse the children but part of me wishes that I had stayed. The next day I brought the children over to her house so she could take them on vacation and I hugged and kissed her again. I will not see them until they return after the New Years weekend but long to see her and hold her again.

 

I find that through all that was said and done, I still love her, which is probably why I could not have another relationship. I thought that if I told myself that I would be ok it would be, but here I am wanting here back.

 

I do want her back but I don't want to rush her. How can I do this????

 

I want her to feel and know that I love her without trying to smother her. I also want to be cautious in that she feels the same way.

 

Do any of you have any advice to lead me down the right path?????

 

Thank you all for listening and have a great New Year.

 

Sincerely,

Lost Love found in only Love.

[lulu1]

hi,

I dont know if this i can help. You were with her for a long time. It sounds like she has feeling still for you

If she no feelings she would have not invited you over for x-mas, and she would have not kissed you. I say it's a pretty safe bet, she still cares. Is she datting someone do you know? It does not sound like it. My advice would be take it slow. Dont rush, you could scare her away. There was somthing thta got you to together and there was something that tore you up. She maybe seeing if thigs have changed, testing you. Be smart, think before you open you mouth. Women anilaize, so be very careful. I would suggest also, invite her to your place for a dinner and pick up a dvd that you all can enjoy. see how it goes. Do that a few times and if things go gook, get ride of the kids and take her out. Dont try to get her into bed right away, go about it like you did not even know her. Like it was your first date. Now Feb is rolling around, i dont know where you live, but if things are going good and you talking and getting along, on Valentines day, make a reservation to a nice hotel. Maybe you can get one on a beach or something. Make sure it's not in the town where you or she lives. Drive like 2 hrs away. Take her to a nice resturant, candle light dinner. Make her feel like she is very special to you still. Just play your cards right, and i bet it will work out.

Good luck, let me know how it all works out.

[Lonestar]

I wish I had some advice for you. I'm on again off again with my exhusband, and it's extremely difficult. So much damage had been done in the past and it's affecting the present, but the only solid thing I know is that we love each other. I can't figure out the rest, but I hope you have more luck than I've been having.

 

Oh and while we were apart (2.5 years) neither one of us was able to have another relationship with someone else.

[lost_in_chgo]

Oh and while we were apart (2.5 years) neither one of us was able to have another relationship with someone else.

 

What's that mean? No relationship at all, no dates, nothing long term, no sex?

[seductress989]

Sorry for being such a pessimist. It's just that I went through the same bull months ago w/my ex. He still wanted to be "friends" and of course, no commitment was involved. I was stupid in keeping ties with him and letting him "have his cake and eat it too". It's so degrading to be used like that. Don't do that to yourself. This loser doesn't deserve the time of day. I agree w/the other posts; he is suggesting a "friends w/benefits" thing by sugarcoating it w/the dating thing. I think you should drop this jerk fast unless he wants to see you and you only. (with commitment involved too) Tough love and good luck. Happy New Year! (don't make it complicated: be single and be truly happy!)

[Lonestar]

Oh and while we were apart (2.5 years) neither one of us was able to have another relationship with someone else.

 

What's that mean? No relationship at all, no dates, nothing long term, no sex?

 

 

No relationships and no sex for me, although I did go on a few dates and kissed guys. He slept with a few women, but didn't date them. The one girl he did try dating for a little while, he said he ended up breaking it off because he wasn't ready to deal with it.

[Jacquline]

I reconciled with my exhusband in October. It started off great - we missed each other and still seem to love each other but boy am I having a hard time putting all my anger and resentment behind me. I divorced him because he was so smothering and demanding. He rushed me into marriage before I was ready then tried to force our blended families together when the kids ended up hating us and each other. I divorced because I was miserable. He became crazy after we got married - he'd keep count of the times I cooked for him and if it wasn't more than 3 times a week he'd start telling me what a bad wife I was. I divorced him and we didn't speak for 4 months.

 

Then right when I got over my grief and felt good about myself again and ready to move on - he knocks on my door and wants us to get back together that he loves me and can't live without me.

 

Unfortunately it seems now that we're spending time together again that everything he does either turns me off or disgusts me. He never appreciates me unless I'm a challenge or hard to get. He wants to remarry but there is no way.

 

I was in love with him before and trusted him 100% - he blew my trust and said and did things that really hurt me. How do you ever forgive and forget? When he wants to make love I cringe and want to throw up - I remember the evil things he said to me.

 

Now that I divorced him and he knows I don't need him for anything and that the moment he bugs me I'm like "forget this it ain't gonna work" - he shapes up and acts like a decent man. When I let down my guard and try to trust him he does something mean or stupid and I get disgusted.

 

It's like money in the bank - each time he intentionally does or says things that are mean he withdraws money out of the bank. Right now he's way overdrawn and I see no sign of him making any deposits!

 

Bottom line - it's hard to forget bad things that happened in a marriage and reconcile with an ex. Maybe it works for some - I just can't seem to let go of the things he said and did that pissed me off and caused me to divorce him in the first place.