Are certain insensitive actions after the breakup really necessary?

December 30, 2004

It's been two months since me and my ex broke up - he broke up with me, saying I wasn't the type of girl he wanted, I was too assertive. I suspected he met someone else, but I wasn't sure. One month later, I see on his friendster page that he's in a relationship. 5 weeks after the breakup, there's a picture there of him and his new girl with the caption "a midsummer's night dream from which we shall never wake". And now, two months later, there is a new picture of him and the same girl with the caption "the sun, the sea, the love of my life and me". Even at a colleague's wedding, he asked teh girl to meet him in the hotel lobby and was holding hands with her, even though he knew i was at the same wedding because we were sitting facing each other for a good 4 hours.

It doesn't help that we work in the same office and bump into each other at least once a week.

I don't regret the breakup. Really. But it's taken me time to get over things, and every time he did something like this, it really shook me up.

I'm just wondering, what makes exes behave like this? He knows I'm on friendster and I look at his page, especially when I first saw the picture of him and his girl 5 weeks later, I called and told him how upset I am (yes, that phone call went well - he put the phone down on me. I just sent him one last textmessage saying to treat her well, and never contacted him again). I mean, why does he feel the need to put all that stuff where I can see it? And all the time we were together, he never changed his page (neither did I, and it didn't bother me that we were both still listed as 'single' even when we were together, I mean, for chrissake, it's friendster, right?)

I've broken up with people before, and even when I'm seeing someone new, I don't go and flaunt it in their face, or put the information where they can see it because I respect their feelings. I generally keep that kinda stuff to myself until I'm sure they have moved on.

I know he checks my blog at least twice a day. And I don't write about him at all. I did, for a while, but I stopped a month ago because well, he's not worth it.

And I just think, I treated him so well during the relationship, and he acknowledges that, and he's always said how I am the only one who unconditionally loved him and how we had a bond which would not easily be broken. Well he certainly broke it easily enough. I'm not sad about that anymore though, just that, if he did still care about me, why would he want to do insensitive hurtful things like that?

Sometimes I feel sad that you could have been so close to someone but now totally ignore each other when you walk past. But it's not of my own choice.

So I would like to know, really, are there people out there who are that selfish and that totally able to shut someone out, or to totally stop caring to the point where they don't care whether they hurt the person? I know I would never be able to do that.

Or are there any other justifications for his actions? I mean, what on earth is he trying to prove?

December 31, 2004

He is simply acting like a guy who has broken up with someone and moved on. He doesn't care whether or not if you have moved on - he is living his life completely regardless of you or your wishes. You can't change this. Any attempts to do so are going to be met with resentment and resistance. Your best bet would be to move on too and try to keep all your interactions with him to a polite businesslike minimum.

December 31, 2004

Girlfriend , you are a different person that is all .. It amazes me as well how you can do so much and be there for someone and they act like the other person doesn't exist. But he probably still does care but he won't show it. You are going to have to let this go. By him being with someone else, that should make each day easier. not their relationship, but each day that goes by that he acknowledges their relationship. Even if this friendster site is for "friends" I feel both of you shouldn't have had single as your status because you weren't. and maybe he was talking to others then since he was "single". it will get easier, believe me.. I'm going thru something as well but everyday I lost my feelings for him when I think of how he left me and had no regard of my feelings and didn't check on my well -being. that made me move on because i knew there was someone who wouldn't do what he did, Girlfriend, there are many a men who LOVE assertive women . It usually means your head is on straight and you know where you want to go. Assertive is different that bossy and maybe he thinks the latter but you don't have to be submissive to get a man. Things will get better, just watch

Keep your head up !

December 31, 2004

Really? But when I broke up with people and I moved on, I definitely didn't flaunt it where they could see it.

It's not that I haven't moved on - If I saw them on the street anywhere, well that wouldn't affect me because that would be completely coincidental. But knowing that I am certain places or check certain things like Friendster and do certain stuff, I think that is extremely hurtful because it shows he has no respect for me at all as a person or even as someone he used to care about. Do you really think this is acceptable behaviour?

Re: assertive.

Well, not that it matters but let me quote you an email he wrote, saying he wanted a girl who 'listens to me and who goes along with me wherever I go (like a little lamb) while I do whatever I like. She would sit by the pool while I swim. She would pass me my towel when I get up. She would come along with my friends when I have a old friends' outing, and she would ask for my permission when she wants a gals' nite out... I am affixed with the idea of a clueless lass bobbing in my wake, who would wash my plates after dinner, and who gets up to walk along with me once I take a first step, without having me to ask."

Not that the girl he is dating is like that, of course, she does sound quite independent from her friendster list.

Re: Friendster

Well, I didn't think the status thing really mattered, a lot of people I know don't change their status because it's not important. I didn't think it was important either. But maybe it is important to the younger generation, I'm 26, he's 28 and the girl he's dating is 23.

December 31, 2004

let him go...his selfishness is now being shown

i can never understand why people behave the way they do. for example, when my husband left me in July (unannounced) he moved into a house on our 13 yr olds daughter's walking route to school. he told her and me he was homeless??? for the last 6 months he has lied about who he has been living with. the truth has a way of leaking out: he moved in with one of his co-workers after her husband caught them in July. now check this out, two weeks ago he quits his job and she quits her and they are now employed 5 minutes from my work. he is truck driver and can get a job anywhere...why would he choose to work up the street from me with his new girlfriend and they both choose to live on our daughter's route to school.

my counsellor tells me this is the true him --- selfish and unwilling to look at the needs of others. he hasn't seen his daughter for 6 months - but she gets to see his truck.

it is a good thing this ex of yours has shown his colors now.....

look at life in a new perspective - you just gave her a very selfish boy and he is no longer your problem. and you really are the better person for not lowering yourself to his level. you know what they say "kill em with kindness"

be strong, be true, be you and the rest will fall into place

hit the floor - LP

December 31, 2004

Aww... that's so sweet =) thanks!

I feel a lot better now.

I was just feeling a bit down to think that someone you really cared for could do all this, but your post made me feel chipper again. =)

Although I do think he's treating the new girl a lot better now, still that's good - at least all that pain wasn't for nothing!

December 31, 2004

Well, not that it matters but let me quote you an email he wrote, saying he wanted a girl who 'listens to me and who goes along with me wherever I go (like a little lamb) while I do whatever I like. She would sit by the pool while I swim. She would pass me my towel when I get up. She would come along with my friends when I have a old friends' outing, and she would ask for my permission when she wants a gals' nite out... I am affixed with the idea of a clueless lass bobbing in my wake, who would wash my plates after dinner, and who gets up to walk along with me once I take a first step, without having me to ask."

You have got to be kidding! Why are you wasting one second worrying about what this turkey is doing? You dodged a bullet when that jerk ditched you. Thank God every day he did. He doesn't want to relate to another independent human; he wants a girl slave to cater to his every whim.

I think it's a tremendous compliment to you that he doesn't consider you "a clueless lass bobbing in my wake". For heaven's sakes, girl, forget this total loser immediately. Every time you see any information about him and the new girl, pray for her because this is one controlling, insecure twit that no normal female should be stuck with.

December 31, 2004

Originally posted by piper27
It's not that I haven't moved on - If I saw them on the street anywhere, well that wouldn't affect me because that would be completely coincidental. But knowing that I am certain places or check certain things like Friendster and do certain stuff, I think that is extremely hurtful because it shows he has no respect for me at all as a person or even as someone he used to care about. Do you really think this is acceptable behaviour?

It may not be acceptable for you, and a good many people are a lot more tactful than your ex - but you can't make him act the way that you (or anyone else) would in this situation. He's your ex. He is under no obligation to be respectful to you, nor does he have to live his life a certain way because at one time he cared about you. I don't expect he has you in mind in the slightest - he is just going about the business of dating this new woman and he doesn't care what you or anyone else thinks about it, nor will he change or go out of his way just to suit his ex's idea of 'acceptable behavior'.

It isn't pretty, and it can be hurtful. But the bottom line is: you can't change what he is doing. Your only option to avoid hurt is to move on and take yourself out of situations where you are likely to see it. If you are seeing his stuff on Friendster, then that means you are making a concerted effort to see it. Stop looking in places where you'll see stuff that will hurt you.

You have a choice: you can continue to let what your ex is doing eat a hole in you, or you can put it behind you and move on.

December 31, 2004

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia
But the bottom line is: you can't change what he is doing. Your only option to avoid hurt is to move on and take yourself out of situations where you are likely to see it. If you are seeing his stuff on Friendster, then that means you are making a concerted effort to see it. Stop looking in places where you'll see stuff that will hurt you.

You have a choice: you can continue to let what your ex is doing eat a hole in you, or you can put it behind you and move on.

What she said.

December 31, 2004

Ditto

January 1, 2005

he hasn't seen his daughter for 6 months - but she gets to see his truck.

Hit the Floor, I found myself shaking my head with disgust when I read this. Some people just absolutely repulse me. I am so sorry. What an idiot. That brought tears to my eyes. Some people in this world really are cruel. I admire you so much for being able to get through such an ordeal.

Piper,

I would also suggest that you stop looking at his friendster page as hard as it is. Just force yourself not to, if possible. This is just killing you and eating you up inside which is probably EXACTLY what he intended. Those little lines that he is putting under their picture on there is nauseating. Even if he doesn't mean for it to be directly intended to hurt you, he is probably making a lot of people sick.

he wanted a girl who 'listens to me and who goes along with me wherever I go (like a little lamb) while I do whatever I like. She would sit by the pool while I swim. She would pass me my towel when I get up. She would come along with my friends when I have a old friends' outing, and she would ask for my permission when she wants a gals' nite out... I am affixed with the idea of a clueless lass bobbing in my wake, who would wash my plates after dinner, and who gets up to walk along with me once I take a first step, without having me to ask."

Please tell me that was sarcasm. I don't see how anyone could really be serious about that, even the biggest male chauvenist. I'm 100% positive this new girl does not fit that criteria.

Leave that jerk behind. Stop looking at his profile. Focus on moving on.

OH...and egg his car.

j/k

How many narcissists are there in this world? Wouldn't it be nice if we could ship them all to some deserted island (with lots of sharks that like to eat humans) so they can just make each other miserable and leave normal people alone? Some people don't deserve to breathe the same air as other people. I used to believe that there was good in ALL people but now I'm starting to see (more and more from reading posts on LS) that there are a great many sociopaths in this world. You don't have to be Ted Bundy to be one.

January 1, 2005

My ex's friendster account still says "in a relationship." Even that makes me angry.

I don't know if you guys have heard of the Facebook, it's basically Friendster for college students, and on his comments section this treacherous b*tch who has been after him the entire time we went out keeps leaving these stupid messages for everyone to see. This vile woman told him she liked him as soon as we started dating, but I never felt threatened by her till now... and I'm sure she was in total ecstasy when he told her he dumped me. UGHHHH. Stupid stuff she said is always on his AIM profile too.

This manipulative skank is also thinner than me. DOUBLE UGHHH.

Like you, I thought, "Well he KNOWS I can see this, he must be doing it to piss me off." But...I really think that they're not thinking about us at all when they do stuff like this. They're thinking about themselves. Because they don't care about us anymore.

It's tough to swallow but I think that's what is really going on.

And I know I shouldn't hate her...she probably hated me the whole time me and my ex were together. Maybe this is karma and I'm just getting mine.

January 1, 2005

I think all your replies make perfect sense.

I just have to forget that he ever existed - it's quite sad though, that you can't be friends at the end of things. I'm friends with all my other exes, so I don't quite understand why he was quite so horrible to me such that we can't even salvage some form of friendship after. I guess that's what's eating me, that after sharing so much together you have to throw out the other person like so much dirty water. Or that someone would be capable of doing that.

And maybe it wouldn't be so hard, if you didn't actually see the other person around and have to actively NOT acknowledge his existence. It just makes things pretty awkward.

I just thank God that I'm not like that =). I am capable of loving in more than one way, and more than one person.

Sign In

Are certain insensitive actions after the breakup really necessary?

Recommended Posts

piper27

LucreziaBorgia

renee2005

piper27

hit the floor

piper27

moimeme

LucreziaBorgia

blind_otter

RowanRavyn

XNemesisX

mischafan160

piper27

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...