Be in love with a MM, should I wait for him?

[NoTomorrow]

Listen it's December, May is not that far away. You can give it a chance that he will leave. But I will tell you 2 things: 1. He has 3 kids, you have none. Do you believe he will want to have more kids with you? He's already almost broke. 2. If you have solved everything and you want to wait for 6 months, then you have to stay away from him these 6 months. As long as he can have you without getting a divorce and moving out, he will never decide to do so. You love him, you'll miss him, but if you are interested in having a chance to have him for the long term you have to be smart and diplomatic. Tell him that you won't be seeing each other as a couple anymore cause you want to take this time to figure out what to do with your husband and your divorce while he will do the same with his wife. Tell him that if in 6 months he will be free, you will be there waiting for him. Make him miss you so he doesn't take you for granted. This is the mistake most mistresses do, they are always there and available, so the MM don't see the reason to divorce. If you really want him you need to be smart.

 

Between us I believe you should leave both him and your husband. None of them are good enough for you. Your husband cause he is far away and you never see him and you don't love him and the MM cause he has 3 kids, he has no money, his wife will make your lives miserable with her hysteria and she will ask for money all the time. You say you will work for him but... come on you are old enough to know that only love is not enough sometimes. What I really suggest you do is: don't meet him sexually for these 6 months, talk to your husband about a divorce, focus on your job and your entertainment and after 6 months IF MM gets a divorce (which is doubtful) you can consider about moving in with him and give it a try.

 

Iguanna, Thank you so much for your advice, we talked about the kids, I told him I don't want kids (I really don't, but i told him I am not sure about the future if i would change my mind).

 

I am really serious about being with him for my life, this week has been so hard for me!! I am very sensitive person, I can feel very subtle things and could be very dramatic about it. His wife had a long conversation with him, she does not want divorce, she wants to try to work on the marriage between now and next May for kids sake. And he was persuaded by her and have made up of his mind to stay with her and see what will happen through the next 6 months. So he stopped saying hypothetical future with me, he said he didn't have an answer right now, he still wants to be with me permanently, but he can't give what I want RIGHT NOW, but very possible in half year, in a year. He said his feeling for me hasn't changed, he still wants be the last person I kissed in my life, but his situation is very complicated right now because he got kids, kids need him to provide them. He said to divorce his wife is going to change the rest of his life, He gotta make sure he is making the right decision. He also told me he doesn't want to lose me, he knows if he couldn't get divorce, he will lose me.

 

So right now it is very clear, he decided to stay the marriage and see what will happen the next May, so he stopped talking future with me cuz he didn't want to give me false hope. And this is killing me.....can you understand the feeling? i understand his reason, but i just feel i was in a such negative position, I got no choice but to take his offer which is to keep our secret love going while he staying in his marriage and see if his marriage will get better. I become such a drama queen, and brought this topic up at least three times every week, ask him how are things between he and his wife, ask him did he kiss her, ask him did he have sex with her....I got so insecure. Right now, he will explain he loves me, he is love with me, but he got family, he is not divorced yet. I can see he is getting very tired of this conversation......

 

I just felt i totally lost my mind......did I push him to hard on this?? should I give him more time? I would like to, but everyday after he get back to his home, I will be thinking what he is doing with his wife back home, are they talking? are they re-building their ties? I abosolutely will go heartbroken if they have sex (they have not had sex since we started the affair)......I don't know what to do, how could I get the upper hand on this? I

Edited December 8, 2013 by NoTomorrow

[NoTomorrow]

Never wait for anyone. If someone wants you bad enough, they do the work it takes to be with you. Little kids or no little kids. You live your life, you keep your money, you decide if you want to D or keep your M and work on strengthening it (and yourself) and you take a look in the mirror and figure out what kind of awesome woman you want to be.

 

You gotta work on YOU first. Get your life going the way you want it to go. Be the type of lady you want to be. Fulfill yourself in all the ways an R cannot sustain. Whatever has slid in MMs M would still be there in any R with you - you just haven't seen it yet. Whatever has slid in your M would still be an issue in an R with MM because you haven't worked that out yet.

 

So, no waiting on him. You start working on you right now. You tell MM "I'm getting my life together, so let me know when you're serious about being with me". You won't lose him if he's worth his salt. You don't want a MM who ISN'T worth their salt, truly.

 

 

Thank you, yesterday he asked me " I brought up the divorce to my family, my wife didn't want to divorce, my kids didn't want me to divorce, if I get divorce right now, what do you think of me?? I feel like i am an *******" I don;t know how to answer his question. I don't know if I could move on right now, I don't think I am strong enough to say "let me know when you decide to get divorce." I am scared if I stopped seeing him, he will permanently go back to his marriage and we will be done.

[NoTomorrow]

Getting over- it was the hardest thing I've ever been through, we love eachother very much but the relationship is so so complicated. I still sometimes hope that one day itll work out- I think in the back of MM's head it will too...

 

No1 really understands the dynamic of the relationship.

 

Please leave your MM to decide by himself. If you want him make him go cold turkey without you- only then will he miss you enough to realise what he looses by loosing you. I was very firm with my MM, I think that is part of why he left so quickly- he knew I wouldn't wait.

 

Baby, my MM also know i wouldn't wait for him for long, he knows if he decide he is not getting divorce, i will cut him off. He thinks two months is too short to make the divorce decision, he need more time to see if he is making the right decision. How could you go cold turkey with him so quickly? did you really want to cut him off? or you were just playing game to test if he is really into you?

[vanellope]

your situation is very similar as mine, and now I with him is one and half year.

the difference is he give you a deadline but mine didn't, he let me wait and till last month he told me he cannot divorce and what he can do is love me.

 

my suggest for you is if you really love this man, then you can wait him half year, and in this half year, try to just bring happiness and build something between you and him, the arguments about his wife or his family will not bring you and him the nice feelings, it will make both of you tired.

 

I know wait half year is risky, because finally you might not have him and you might get hurt deeper than now, but I believe if finally he belong to you, than it's half year is worth, everything is possible, listen your heart.

[NoTomorrow]

Sigh - I cringed when I started reading this thread. So similar to my sad story.

 

She is my co-worked - we still sit in very close proximity. Affair started 1-1.5 years ago, she's married - 2 young girls and I'm married with 1 young boy. As it seems to start, we got emotionally involved and then it turned physical. I was still naive when it became physical - I mean, we went back to her place during the lunch hour and I pounded her using her husband's condoms - they weren't having any sex at the time so I don't think he missed them. We even ended up going to an empty parking lot and I would pound her in the front seat. I smile at those days but boy - there is so much heartache when there are 2 married people involved.

 

She moved out after 6 months - her husband knew and was trying to salvage. He even told her he would forgive if it had gotten physical - she still wanted me even though I wasn't committing and she left her house and her marriage of 13 years - I still look back and think, wow, she really leapt off the deep end.

 

You have to go NC on his ass. I received this 2 weeks back and boy, the hole that it leaves in your life is something I wouldn't wish for anyone. There are still days when I take Ibuprofen because my head hurts so much from thinking about her (going to take 2 tablets now).

 

She told her parents, her sisters, her closest friends and they probably hate me right now for not being with her but ... here's what I have struggled with as the married man over the last 2 weeks

 

- My wife is a stay at home mum - is she going to be able to find work easily and reenter working life

- How is my son going to cope with seeing me only some of the time - how is my wife going to cope not being there 100% of the time for my son

- What are my parents going to think of me - what are they going to think of the OW if she was to become my wife

- How are we going to parent kids from 2 different households ( 3 kids in total) with 2 pissed off ex-spouses

- I would have to pay alimony/child support - what's going to happen if I lose my job over the next 15 years - if I was to be with the OW, how pissed off would she be if she has to pay for alimony/child support if I can't pay it

- Will my wife be financially secure if I leave her now or will she end up in the poor house 20 years later and what happens to my financial security

 

These are some of the conversations I am having with myself right now and boy - it is draining. I know people have this fantasy that "Love conquers all" - maybe it truly does under certain circumstances but not in the case of an affair.

 

I am grateful that she told me that she wanted it to end because I was so non-committal. For the first time, I'm using my head rather than my heart. My heart still wants to be with the OW but I'm finally using my head and boy - it hurts more than words can describe.

 

Go NC, start the process of healing, let go, move on and learn the lessons - there are many to be learnt and you need to learn them. Let him go - do it for him - forgive him but more importantly forgive yourself.

 

I wish you well on this journey.

 

 

Your story makes me cried. I don't even know what to say. Can I ask you did you really love her? like deep love?

 

my MM pretty much thought all the things you have thought, and he did tell me.

[NoTomorrow]

your situation is very similar as mine, and now I with him is one and half year.

the difference is he give you a deadline but mine didn't, he let me wait and till last month he told me he cannot divorce and what he can do is love me.

 

my suggest for you is if you really love this man, then you can wait him half year, and in this half year, try to just bring happiness and build something between you and him, the arguments about his wife or his family will not bring you and him the nice feelings, it will make both of you tired.

 

I know wait half year is risky, because finally you might not have him and you might get hurt deeper than now, but I believe if finally he belong to you, than it's half year is worth, everything is possible, listen your heart.

 

Thank you vanellope, My MM pretty mush said the same thing as your MM did right now, he said "I can't be with you permanently right now, you need to understand my situation, my heart is with you, I am in love with you " which made me very saddened.

 

I know what I was doing right now (bring him endless conversation about his family and divorce and drama) is unhealthy for our relationship....and he is already getting tired of explaining to me every other day. I gotta stop this, and act like nothing happening. He gave me two choices right know : 1. we stop right, he does not want to, I don't think I can. 2. I take the risk and experience the adventure with him and see what will happen in the next 6 months , possibly his marriage will be desolved by itself and he moves out, possibly he is not getting divorce and I will get hurt DEEP DEEPLY....... I chose the 2nd one...but have brought up so many dramas in two weeks....I'm very disappointed about myself

Edited December 8, 2013 by NoTomorrow

[Popsicle]

Sigh - I cringed when I started reading this thread. So similar to my sad story.

 

She is my co-worked - we still sit in very close proximity. Affair started 1-1.5 years ago, she's married - 2 young girls and I'm married with 1 young boy. As it seems to start, we got emotionally involved and then it turned physical. I was still naive when it became physical - I mean, we went back to her place during the lunch hour and I pounded her using her husband's condoms - they weren't having any sex at the time so I don't think he missed them. We even ended up going to an empty parking lot and I would pound her in the front seat. I smile at those days but boy - there is so much heartache when there are 2 married people involved.

 

She moved out after 6 months - her husband knew and was trying to salvage. He even told her he would forgive if it had gotten physical - she still wanted me even though I wasn't committing and she left her house and her marriage of 13 years - I still look back and think, wow, she really leapt off the deep end.

 

You have to go NC on his ass. I received this 2 weeks back and boy, the hole that it leaves in your life is something I wouldn't wish for anyone. There are still days when I take Ibuprofen because my head hurts so much from thinking about her (going to take 2 tablets now).

 

She told her parents, her sisters, her closest friends and they probably hate me right now for not being with her but ... here's what I have struggled with as the married man over the last 2 weeks

 

- My wife is a stay at home mum - is she going to be able to find work easily and reenter working life

- How is my son going to cope with seeing me only some of the time - how is my wife going to cope not being there 100% of the time for my son

- What are my parents going to think of me - what are they going to think of the OW if she was to become my wife

- How are we going to parent kids from 2 different households ( 3 kids in total) with 2 pissed off ex-spouses

- I would have to pay alimony/child support - what's going to happen if I lose my job over the next 15 years - if I was to be with the OW, how pissed off would she be if she has to pay for alimony/child support if I can't pay it

- Will my wife be financially secure if I leave her now or will she end up in the poor house 20 years later and what happens to my financial security

 

These are some of the conversations I am having with myself right now and boy - it is draining. I know people have this fantasy that "Love conquers all" - maybe it truly does under certain circumstances but not in the case of an affair.

 

I am grateful that she told me that she wanted it to end because I was so non-committal. For the first time, I'm using my head rather than my heart. My heart still wants to be with the OW but I'm finally using my head and boy - it hurts more than words can describe.

 

Go NC, start the process of healing, let go, move on and learn the lessons - there are many to be learnt and you need to learn them. Let him go - do it for him - forgive him but more importantly forgive yourself.

 

I wish you well on this journey.

 

Love this post. This is real talk. This is how MM think and many of them still love their wife and have sex with her too.

[Iguanna]

I know you will hate me for this but I will tell you the harsh truth: you've already lost him. His wife is not going to let him go and she uses the kids as a shield. You can't beat that. Nobody can. Game is lost. If you choose to stay with him all you will do is enjoy yourself for a while but bitterly. It's what I had read once "the OW who doesn't want to leave MM just accepts small stabs in her heart every day that don't stop to bleed than take a big stab with the hope that one day they wound will be healed". You can't have complete happiness with this man cause you will never have the whole of him, you will always have a part of him, the part he wants to give you (and usually it's the last part, you will come after his kid, his wife, his relatives, his job, then he will have time for you). I know you feel lost and frustrated that he chose his family over you, but you have to pull yourself together, you have to LET HIM GO, stay away from him for the next six months and figure out what YOU will do in your life. You have an unsuccessful marriage that needs to come to an end right? Do this first. After that you have to stay alone for some time, maybe even do some counseling, it will help you and give you some new perspective. If this man loves you as much as he claims, he will get a divorce. BUT I warn you, things will never be ideal, even if you marry him. He will spend his days feeling guilt for his kids, his wife will demand from him things all the time, she and the kids will hate you, your reputation will be that of a whore who split the man from his kids, you won't find peace and happiness. As I told you in my first post, you have to be alone, separate from both your husband and MM and figure out what you are doing in your life and how you will go on. If you leave him now, I'm sure he will be sad bla bla but he will also be relieved. I strongly doubt that in six months or one year he will get a divorce and come find you. This love will have faded and you may have met another guy, someone who doesn't put you last in his life.

 

Do this. Do this. You can do this. Let him go. We are here for you.

[Baby123]

I did no contact to make him make a decision I guess- but tbh I always knew he would leave. The odds were stacked in my favour.

 

As bad as it sounds I think with all I had going for me mm had to act quickly or risk me going elsewhere.

 

Don't let a man cake eat, don't give him an inch, he'll take a mile. It won't be 6 months- my bet is 2 years- he'll enjoy you and her,.

[Sarabi]

Madam. In my opinion, to wait for him, you are almost certainly wasting your time.

If I were in your shoes right now and had "waited" for my married so-called man(I don't even know if I can call these things 'men' any more lol)...where would I be? Its nearly christmas...I would be sneaking visits after work and at weekends. Probably would be in the local sanitorium having truly driven myself mad with violent mood swings, mindf##kery and talking about the same thing over and over again...all whilst they get closer to another anniversary, maybe have another baby and keep planning and moving ahead with their lives...And all the while I am being told how much I am loved and how no one else can love me the way he does and how he can't lose me because I mean so much to him...****yawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn****

Lol

 

You are my age...and you want this guy who is what? 40something with four dependants(wife and three kids?)...

And don't be giving him ANY of your hard earned MONEY.

2014 is nearly here. Seize it and live for you...don't wait.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Do not wait for him. He is most likely not leaving. They rarely do.

[stillafool]

OP, what does your husband think of this? Have you told him you are in love with another man? Is he willing to give you a divorce?

[Silver_Lining]

Waited over 2 years here. Most of them won't leave no matter how miserable they say they are and how loveless they say their marriage is. Truth is, they may not be telling the real truth about their home life, even if they do love you. And many don't won't the hassle a divorce would bring.

That may be true in many cases and I would agree with you in that however that is not always the case.

I am the MM after a year and a half affair - both of us married, both of us willing to leave.

I left, she has not yet. It all depends on the circumstances and situation. There is no blanket statement. There are statistics yes, yet each is different. I just happen to find myself on the other end and yes we both have kids.

[vanellope]

yes, everyone every relationship is different.

 

but I find out people tend to be stable.

when you both have spouses, the affair might run more stable, and u both feel you love each other much. but when one of two start listen his/her heart, leave the spouse, break the balance and want to be with the other. the other one somehow start to get hassitate and don't want to leave his/her spouse.

 

because now he/she has two , he /she has choice.

 

I find out this is because I left my long term partner for a married man, who said he want to marry me and have life with me, but after that, suddenly he found he can have me and his spouse at the same time. so why he need to leave his marrage for me.