Be in love with a MM, should I wait for him?

[Mascara]

I bet his wife has no recollection of that conversation at all.

[I'mNotYours]

But is it really possible to decide whether to wait or not? What does it mean to wait? Does it mean that you say no to other men or postpone your plans for the fure like travelling etc.?

 

What difference does it make if you actively decide to wait or not to wait? I mean..I have decided not to wait, but I'm still stuck. I'm still not interested in other men. For me the decision means that I'm trying to let him go, but in my heart I can feel that I'm still waiting for him to return.

[darkmoon]

wait for him, okay, he might divorce, so tell him to come back single, he decides on his divorce nobody else does, date others instead, atmo he is a very married man, not even separated, so he must quite like living with his wife, so no do not wait, date others

Edited December 1, 2013 by darkmoon

[yellowmaverick]

You have already invested a whole two months in him, so you should definitely wait it out for as long as it takes - years even. Your relationship indeed sounds like it is very special and unique. I am sure that he is being 100% honest with you and will leave as soon as he can escape.

[C00kie]

I waited. And I would never advise anyone to do it. It was torture. I almost went insane. The pain was unbearable at times. Live your life. Don't make him your priority. Distance yourself. And when you are strong enough, I would cut all physical contact. That is what I did and within weeks, my MM started divorce proceedings. We are now together and completely happy, but I would never go through the pain I went through again by waiting.

 

Best advice, get out. Slowly at first if you can't go cold turkey. It will force him to make a decision. And if his decision isn't you, I suggest you close the door completely and walk away

 

Definitely the best piece of advice.

Hope, for how long did you wait?

[GettingOver]

As for the OP's question and being myself in this situation - I can say that waiting is not the right thing definitely, but at the end of the day everyone chooses the less painful option for the moment.

The other day I had a serious conversation with my MM who I love dearly. I can say that not all of them are *******s and cake eaters... Some - like mine - suffer as much as we do or even more. Mine is completely broken down and has no clue how to proceed. He is eating guilt for breakfast,lunch and dinner - for his family and for me as well and thinks he has no right to choose his own happiness when his family also needs him. He dicided to do family couseling as the last option - to figute out of he can proceed with his wife or should they eventually split up. They live like friends, but for him not enough, the passion and romantic love is gone since many years and it's been not good - better and worse at times.

I am hurting, but hopefully he can figure himself out and then whatever choise is made I can accept and proceed. I feel bad for thinking bad about him - he is as much human as I am and he suffers deeply...

[Realist3]

We have been together for just a little over 2 months. I told him i will financially help him to go through it if it needs, i would still love him to keep paying his house for his wife and kids, I can make money, I love him for this person, not any thing else. And I am willing to pay for the cost of being with him.

 

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I think you are jumping the gun here a little bit.

 

You two have been together for two months and suddenly you both are ready to end your marriages?

 

You barely know the guy. Just my two cents, but I think you are making a huge mistake. You can continue your little fling, but I think you might want to get to know him a little better.

[GettingOver]

I waited. And I would never advise anyone to do it. It was torture. I almost went insane. The pain was unbearable at times. Live your life. Don't make him your priority. Distance yourself. And when you are strong enough, I would cut all physical contact. That is what I did and within weeks, my MM started divorce proceedings. We are now together and completely happy, but I would never go through the pain I went through again by waiting.

 

Best advice, get out. Slowly at first if you can't go cold turkey. It will force him to make a decision. And if his decision isn't you, I suggest you close the door completely and walk away

 

Can you tell in more details about your experience?... Please. Or feel free to PM me. Thanks!

[Popsicle]

He's lying but doesn't know he's lying yet. He's not going to leave his wife and kids and he wants to keep you around in the side. He wants both you and his wife. This is called cake eating.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Why in six months have you not gone to see your husband or vice versa? Why is he in another state? How long is this arrangement supposed to last?

 

When one is in a vulnerable state, we are more likely to make poor choices.

[Iguanna]

Listen it's December, May is not that far away. You can give it a chance that he will leave. But I will tell you 2 things: 1. He has 3 kids, you have none. Do you believe he will want to have more kids with you? He's already almost broke. 2. If you have solved everything and you want to wait for 6 months, then you have to stay away from him these 6 months. As long as he can have you without getting a divorce and moving out, he will never decide to do so. You love him, you'll miss him, but if you are interested in having a chance to have him for the long term you have to be smart and diplomatic. Tell him that you won't be seeing each other as a couple anymore cause you want to take this time to figure out what to do with your husband and your divorce while he will do the same with his wife. Tell him that if in 6 months he will be free, you will be there waiting for him. Make him miss you so he doesn't take you for granted. This is the mistake most mistresses do, they are always there and available, so the MM don't see the reason to divorce. If you really want him you need to be smart.

 

Between us I believe you should leave both him and your husband. None of them are good enough for you. Your husband cause he is far away and you never see him and you don't love him and the MM cause he has 3 kids, he has no money, his wife will make your lives miserable with her hysteria and she will ask for money all the time. You say you will work for him but... come on you are old enough to know that only love is not enough sometimes. What I really suggest you do is: don't meet him sexually for these 6 months, talk to your husband about a divorce, focus on your job and your entertainment and after 6 months IF MM gets a divorce (which is doubtful) you can consider about moving in with him and give it a try.

[Snipercatt]

he also told his little daughter that dad and mom's relationship are not going well, and his daughter was crying and ask him if he is really getting divorced, he told the daughter "I don't know honey". He was heartbroken when he told me this.... he says he needs to do it in case the kids won't be too surprised in the future.

 

I think he is yanking your chain. And, if not, then shame on him for involving his 9 year old daughter "in case" he divorces.

[LilGirlandOW]

Should you wait is a good question. Depends on how you can handle in the meantime.

 

My MM and I had an A for a couple months over a year, I never thought he would leave the M, he was M 15yrs with 2 kids. He and BS were in the co-parent roommate type relationship for years, he couldn't bear to leave the kids but always spoke about leaving in the future at some point.

 

One day BS said she wanted a D, MM saw this as a perfect opportunity and didn't fight for the M, the very next day was out looking for places, etc and now lives on his own and things with us are better than ever.

 

A few times during the A I wanted to walk, I would read here and convinced myself he was lying about their M, their sex life, etc. now I found out all the things he was saying was actually true, and I'm happy I stayed to make it to this place, although I'm sure had BS not had mutual feelings as him and pulled the trigger he and her would still be living together, but that's the difference between men and women.... (P.s. I think she got involved with an OM, as this was spurred a couple months after she took a new job/position).

 

Best of luck, follow your heart, worry about your happiness xoxox:love:

[whichwayisup]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I think you are jumping the gun here a little bit.

 

You two have been together for two months and suddenly you both are ready to end your marriages?

 

You barely know the guy. Just my two cents, but I think you are making a huge mistake. You can continue your little fling, but I think you might want to get to know him a little better.

 

This pretty much sums it up.

 

Not only that, but my suggestion is, regardless of what happens with this MM you need to take care of your own situation/marriage by divorcing your husband now. It's obvious you do not love your husband enough to fight for your marriage or even try to talk to him, get home and fix things with him, so why not take the bull by the horns and divorce him. Then you can do as please, continue your affair with the MM and see what happens...If his word is true to you, that he'll leave his wife and kids, be with you or if he is just in this for an affair only and has no intention of changing anything. either way, you need to end your marriage. What's the point of staying married to your husband?

[WrinkledForehead]

Is it just me...but your MM actually said his daughter is his favourite, so he won't leave her..but if it was only his sons...adios...like yesterday? What a male role model his sons have.

 

And people wonder why so many young men are messed up.

 

I have children and this part of the post disturbed me the most. I can't imagine the type of parent who is capable of believing these words as the words exit the mouth... Disturbing.

[Iguanna]

I have children and this part of the post disturbed me the most. I can't imagine the type of parent who is capable of believing these words as the words exit the mouth... Disturbing.

 

I think some people have created a huge story out of nowhere. What he meant was, his 2 sons are grown up already, they have taken their road more or less, they don't need his constant attention, but his daughter who is a girl and also really young (9 years old) needs her father MORE than the grown up sons. I don't really see anything that irrational here.

[Baby123]

GET OUT.

 

Do not stay. Your only 2 months in, in another 6 months you'll be 8 months in.

 

You might feel too deep in it now, but your not, in 6 months he might tell you to wait another 6 months, then another. You'll be so deeply involved you will stay.

 

My mm left after the xmas period last year (just like he promised) but that was after a 2 month affair. If I could go back and tell the old me not to get involved in such a messy situation I would.

 

after 2 months you can still get out.

 

If he moves out and chases you, so be it, but do not wait and carry on having the affair.

[GypsumSatellite]

Never wait for anyone. If someone wants you bad enough, they do the work it takes to be with you. Little kids or no little kids. You live your life, you keep your money, you decide if you want to D or keep your M and work on strengthening it (and yourself) and you take a look in the mirror and figure out what kind of awesome woman you want to be.

 

You gotta work on YOU first. Get your life going the way you want it to go. Be the type of lady you want to be. Fulfill yourself in all the ways an R cannot sustain. Whatever has slid in MMs M would still be there in any R with you - you just haven't seen it yet. Whatever has slid in your M would still be an issue in an R with MM because you haven't worked that out yet.

 

So, no waiting on him. You start working on you right now. You tell MM "I'm getting my life together, so let me know when you're serious about being with me". You won't lose him if he's worth his salt. You don't want a MM who ISN'T worth their salt, truly.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think some people have created a huge story out of nowhere. What he meant was, his 2 sons are grown up already, they have taken their road more or less, they don't need his constant attention, but his daughter who is a girl and also really young (9 years old) needs her father MORE than the grown up sons. I don't really see anything that irrational here.

 

A 19 year old, as well as a 15 year old young man..still very much need their parents...they emotionally lean on them more through those years, unlike preteen-early teens where they push parents away. During those years, they are more likely to use their parents as a sounding board. Children associate the strongest with the same gender parent. That is who they look to for how to conduct oneself...how to be a man, in this case.

 

And when it comes to ones children...they better be a huge part of the story.

[GettingOver]

GET OUT.

 

Do not stay. Your only 2 months in, in another 6 months you'll be 8 months in.

 

You might feel too deep in it now, but your not, in 6 months he might tell you to wait another 6 months, then another. You'll be so deeply involved you will stay.

 

My mm left after the xmas period last year (just like he promised) but that was after a 2 month affair. If I could go back and tell the old me not to get involved in such a messy situation I would.

 

after 2 months you can still get out.

 

If he moves out and chases you, so be it, but do not wait and carry on having the affair.

Baby, I though you broke it off or?... Bcause of age gap and all the baggage? Or not?

[Baby123]

Yes I did finish it with everything going on- and the age gap and my new job.

 

But it all has been so hard, all the stress of his baggage and having a man leave for you- my hair started coming out- I couldn't be honest with people about how me and MM met and about our relationship, the internal questions of morality, people trying to break up our relationship has all taken its toll- my health and happiness have declined. It has been the most exhausting, stressful situation of my life.

 

The age gap was the main issue, I wanted it to work so badly because I loved him but it was so damn hard. He was used to having a family- he didn't truly want a jet setting 23 year old, who moved the city to be a part time gf at his time of life- I always felt like I was abusing him- all the nights he spent alone in his apartment.

 

I wish i'd ran as fast as I could when we first met. I never anticipated any of this. He is not a bad person but being involved with such an intense situation is something I would avoid avoid avoid.

 

Single, available man next time- who I don't feel like 'owe' anything to.

Edited December 1, 2013 by Baby123

[GettingOver]

I admire you for being able to cut it off when the guy actually left! Most of us here cannot leave despite all the **** and MM NOT leaving! This is I gues what is called "love yourself" here...

My mm decided to do marriage counseling so that they could decide if they can proceed or not. He is unhappy but his family and friends are pressing him to do the "righ thing". This news nearly killed me, but on the other hand... he is also exhausted and overwhelmed by everything that he cannot be a good partner to anyone and make anyone happy... Maybe he will either make sure they are done, or we are done... One of us has to truly want to separate.

[Baby123]

Getting over- it was the hardest thing I've ever been through, we love eachother very much but the relationship is so so complicated. I still sometimes hope that one day itll work out- I think in the back of MM's head it will too...

 

No1 really understands the dynamic of the relationship.

 

Please leave your MM to decide by himself. If you want him make him go cold turkey without you- only then will he miss you enough to realise what he looses by loosing you. I was very firm with my MM, I think that is part of why he left so quickly- he knew I wouldn't wait.

[GettingOver]

Please leave your MM to decide by himself. If you want him make him go cold turkey without you- only then will he miss you enough to realise what he looses by loosing you. I was very firm with my MM, I think that is part of why he left so quickly- he knew I wouldn't wait.

We broke up several times - first due to his teenage daughter diagnosed with anorexia, he had to go back home (he lived separately before that) and is still in debts for respective treatment. Later we started talking again but in some time I broke if off cause I did not feel as much affection from him anymore and I initiated NC. We managed a month and then broke NC and I caved... He still cannot leave NOW due to financial reasons and is afraid his daughter might get hurt. But I agree with you - when I cut it off and would not talk to him, he later said he was very miserable, and I did not cave right away.

I hope things work the best way for you - either with him or without!

[bconnor]

Sigh - I cringed when I started reading this thread. So similar to my sad story.

 

She is my co-worked - we still sit in very close proximity. Affair started 1-1.5 years ago, she's married - 2 young girls and I'm married with 1 young boy. As it seems to start, we got emotionally involved and then it turned physical. I was still naive when it became physical - I mean, we went back to her place during the lunch hour and I pounded her using her husband's condoms - they weren't having any sex at the time so I don't think he missed them. We even ended up going to an empty parking lot and I would pound her in the front seat. I smile at those days but boy - there is so much heartache when there are 2 married people involved.

 

She moved out after 6 months - her husband knew and was trying to salvage. He even told her he would forgive if it had gotten physical - she still wanted me even though I wasn't committing and she left her house and her marriage of 13 years - I still look back and think, wow, she really leapt off the deep end.

 

You have to go NC on his ass. I received this 2 weeks back and boy, the hole that it leaves in your life is something I wouldn't wish for anyone. There are still days when I take Ibuprofen because my head hurts so much from thinking about her (going to take 2 tablets now).

 

She told her parents, her sisters, her closest friends and they probably hate me right now for not being with her but ... here's what I have struggled with as the married man over the last 2 weeks

 

- My wife is a stay at home mum - is she going to be able to find work easily and reenter working life

- How is my son going to cope with seeing me only some of the time - how is my wife going to cope not being there 100% of the time for my son

- What are my parents going to think of me - what are they going to think of the OW if she was to become my wife

- How are we going to parent kids from 2 different households ( 3 kids in total) with 2 pissed off ex-spouses

- I would have to pay alimony/child support - what's going to happen if I lose my job over the next 15 years - if I was to be with the OW, how pissed off would she be if she has to pay for alimony/child support if I can't pay it

- Will my wife be financially secure if I leave her now or will she end up in the poor house 20 years later and what happens to my financial security

 

These are some of the conversations I am having with myself right now and boy - it is draining. I know people have this fantasy that "Love conquers all" - maybe it truly does under certain circumstances but not in the case of an affair.

 

I am grateful that she told me that she wanted it to end because I was so non-committal. For the first time, I'm using my head rather than my heart. My heart still wants to be with the OW but I'm finally using my head and boy - it hurts more than words can describe.

 

Go NC, start the process of healing, let go, move on and learn the lessons - there are many to be learnt and you need to learn them. Let him go - do it for him - forgive him but more importantly forgive yourself.

 

I wish you well on this journey.