Be in love with a MM, should I wait for him?

[NoTomorrow]

I'm a 28 yrs old married woman, who is doing the long distance thing with my husband, he is in another state, we have not seen each other for 6 months. We don't have any kids, i have been feeling grow apart with my husband. Until one of my coworker who is 40 with a wife and 3 kids came after me and told me he is really attracted to me for 3.5 years since I came in to the company. I could tell he has liked me for a long time because he always find opportunities to talk to me for the last 3.5 yrs, even remembered what i was wearing 3 years ago, what song i had sang in the bar 3 years ago, and everyone else in our company all know he likes me. But something had changed in recent 3 months, he started to text me, i always replied, I have always liked him the first day i met him, but not in sexually, he is a piece of work in a good way, a character, he jokes a lot, and his sense of humor is really what i was attracted to. So, we kept going with the text back and forth, joking, sharing stories, then we all got emotional attached to each other.

 

I guess like every other affairs, we ended up in bed. We talked after we did this, we both agree there are problems in our marrige, for me, my husband and i have grew apart and his wife cut off the intimacy with him for a long years he had tried to talk to his wife to fix the problem but his wife would try a short period of time but all attentions will gone to kids again. At first he said he won't leave his family, his kids, won't leave his wife, he asked me if i can take this .... I said yes. i admit, i kept this going with a little hope something might change in the future, 'cause it feels so right with him.

 

And something did change, his feelings for me had grown greater and greater, and he told me i felt so right to him, he is so happy when he is with me, the way I treat him is always what he had hoped to be treated for so many years, I've got everything he wants from a woman. I had exactly the same feeling towards him.......Ever since we started this affair, I stopped talking to my husband who lives 500 miles away, he stopped having sex with his wife.

 

However, I felt guilty to his wife, I tried to break up with this MM and asked him to return back to his kids and family, he cried, asked me to stay, he said everything was so right to him, he had fallen in love with me, he loves his wife but he is not in love with her and his loving for her is fading. I told him i didn't belong to him and he didn't belong to me, I can't be his MISTRESS forever. He said he knows, he wants to be fair to me, he knows he has a family and a housewife at home, but with all of these combined he does not want to lose me. And i didn't think i could stop at that moment, and we get back together again. And one day, he told me he wants me for the rest of his life, he wants to be the last person i kissed. I cried. He said he will try to get me in his life at some point of time in his life. He said he is already picturing the future with me, he said the situation will be very complicated, his wife is housewife, has no job, and he has 3 kids, he is still paying for the house. If he divorced, he will be totally broken after the alimony and child support and mortgage for the house because he won't let his kids live in downgraded house, and he loves his kids, he can't not have them, he said to be honest he is not too worried about his sons, the most reason he didn't get divorced is his 9 years old little daughter who is his favorite kid.

 

And he did go back home and set a fight with his wife, he told his wife he does not desire her anymore she never treated him right after they have the kids, he gave whatever she wants, and she didn't give him what he wanted for 20 years. he told her she should be terrified because he is thinking about divorce. He even called a lawyer to ask the divorce thing. And his wife cried and cried, and begging him to try to work on their marriage for the kids sake, she did a lot of promises that she will change blah blah, and he said he didn't believe her anymore. And she kept trying to persuade him to give it a try, for the kids sake, she said if they got divorced, the kids will hurt, if he really wants a divorce, the best time for separation will be better next May when the kids got out of the school so that they have a summer to get adjusted . I guess this had got him because he loves his kids so much, and i guess he also felt guilty to his kids. He told me half of him can't be without his kids, half of him also wants to be with me.

 

so right now he told me he still have no answer, he don't want give me false hope, but he in love with me and still wants to be with me, there is so many things needs to plan on, it will be very tough, he has to make sure his decision of leaving his family is the right decision. And he also will be very guilt if he leaves them right now without trying anything, he said he kind of owe his kids a "try". But he said he does not desire his wife anymore, they talk but he has no feeling left for her. He asked me if I can wait for half year (next May)and experience this with him, he will have an answer by then. He said he does not think he will one day wake up and think he is in love with his wife again, but he is also not sure if he can leave his kids.... so part of him are thinking of letting thier marriage desolve, part of him still does know. He cried again, said he created this, he did came after me, he gotta be fair to me.

 

I told him i will wait. I feel like he is not lying, and I understand. But there is a voice deep in my mind also saying "the longer he stays, the less likely he will leave", and this voice had drive me so sad sometimes, got constant mood-swings, every week we will repeat this conversation ,and he is trying his best to confirm his love for me. He said 2 months ago he told me it is never gonna happen, and now he sees it could happen, he said he is not playing games with me, he didn't plan on falling in love with me and start thinking about leaving his marriage. And he told his brother about the things between us.

 

We have been together for just a little over 2 months. I told him i will financially help him to go through it if it needs, i would still love him to keep paying his house for his wife and kids, I can make money, I love him for this person, not any thing else. And I am willing to pay for the cost of being with him.

 

Another thing is , I don't think a woman will fall in love with her husband again if she has fallen in love with another man.....I don't think I could go back to my husband.....tragedy.

 

 

Does everybody think he will most likely not leave his wife? I am so grateful that if there is anyone read this long thread through and give me any advice.....

Edited December 1, 2013 by NoTomorrow

[Cinnimon]

I just sighed when reading your post. Please read, read, read these forums as far back as you can and see what you think.

 

As far as waiting for him.......I did, 3 years. I waited 3 years for nothing.

[Eggplant]

Suppose he divorced his wife for you. (He won't but suppose).

 

How would you look at his children in the eye ever? What role would you play in their lives? A role model?

 

How would you face the mother of his children? (BTW, that would be you in a few years).

 

How would you look his mother in the eye? Do you think his family would think you were a good person that they would welcome in?

 

How would you look your own mother and your father in the eye? Will they have to lower their head in shame whenever they are asked about you?

 

And how can you look your husband in the eye now?

[Daisy2013]

Waited over 2 years here. Most of them won't leave no matter how miserable they say they are and how loveless they say their marriage is. Truth is, they may not be telling the real truth about their home life, even if they do love you. And many don't won't the hassle a divorce would bring.

[C00kie]

I don't know if he'll leave or not, but you're surely in for a rollercoaster of emotions, self torture and suffering.

 

Each situation and person is different, even if we can find some typical MM behaviour in your story...I guess the fact that they show common traits does not necessarily mean that the outcome will be the same.

 

However...step back while you can. I don't mean to sound bitter - when I first came here I would resent everyone who would tell me that it didn't look like my MM was leaving for me, because I felt our story was so special and different. I'm only saying this because, even if he does leave for you, you don't know how, when or IF it will happen and, in the meantime, you're in for some serious pain. The over analysing, the waiting, the uncertainty, it's all too exhausting and heartbreaking. I'm telling you all this because I've been there (I am there) and I wouldn't want ANYONE to go through this.

 

So please try not to get any more attached then you already are - rely on him less and less, protect yourself. If he shows you a concrete plan and you want to wait, fine, but if he doesn't follow through (and be prepared for that), just LEAVE. If he doesn't tell you anything concrete...LEAVE NOW. No need to bear grudges. Wish him the best and take care of yourself.

 

If you're meant to be, it will be.

Edited December 1, 2013 by C00kie

[AlwaysGrowing]

Is it just me...but your MM actually said his daughter is his favourite, so he won't leave her..but if it was only his sons...adios...like yesterday? What a male role model his sons have.

 

And people wonder why so many young men are messed up.

[threelaurels]

No, you shouldn't wait for him. He has been with her for 20 years, and with you for only 2 months. Because she is a stay at home mom, he will most likely only get his kids every other weekend. Not to mention the fact that he will probably be paying her alimony until all his kids turn 18. This is all without bringing up how much she could get in a fault divorce state if she had evidence of his infidelity. Leaving would be too much of a risk and would seriously compromise his quality of life.

[C00kie]

Is it just me...but your MM actually said his daughter is his favourite, so he won't leave her..but if it was only his sons...adios...like yesterday? What a male role model his sons have.

 

And people wonder why so many young men are messed up.

 

I thought the same thing too when I read it, but maybe OP meant that her daughter is the one who worries him the most, maybe because she's the youngest (is she?) and a girl (and fathers sometimes are more protective of their "little girls")

 

Maybe it was something out of context...

[AlwaysGrowing]

I thought the same thing too when I read it, but maybe OP meant that her daughter is the one who worries him the most, maybe because she's the youngest (is she?) and a girl (and fathers sometimes are more protective of their "little girls")

 

Maybe it was something out of context...

 

Either way, a parent should be protective of all their children...gender should never matter or their age.

[NoTomorrow]

I just sighed when reading your post. Please read, read, read these forums as far back as you can and see what you think.

 

As far as waiting for him.......I did, 3 years. I waited 3 years for nothing.

 

Sigh, i can feel exactly how you feel......3 years is too long....my MM asked me for half year, i think he is honest with me on this. It's just the mood swing killing me / give you a hug

[NoTomorrow]

I thought the same thing too when I read it, but maybe OP meant that her daughter is the one who worries him the most, maybe because she's the youngest (is she?) and a girl (and fathers sometimes are more protective of their "little girls")

 

Maybe it was something out of context...

 

yes you are right, i meant he told me his youngest little daughter is the one worries him, his oldest son is 19 (already an adult) and his second son is 15. his daughter is 9 and is his favorite. As I mentioned he set a fight with his wife and told her he is thinking about divorce, he also told his little daughter that dad and mom's relationship are not going well, and his daughter was crying and ask him if he is really getting divorced, he told the daughter "I don't know honey". He was heartbroken when he told me this.... he says he needs to do it in case the kids won't be too surprised in the future.

[C00kie]

yes you are right, i meant he told me his youngest little daughter is the one worries him, his oldest son is 19 (already an adult) and his second son is 15. his daughter is 9 and is his favorite. As I mentioned he set a fight with his wife and told her he is thinking about divorce, he also told his little daughter that dad and mom's relationship are not going well, and his daughter was crying and ask him if he is really getting divorced, he told the daughter "I don't know honey". He was heartbroken when he told me this.... he says he needs to do it in case the kids won't be too surprised in the future.

 

I don't like it that he's openly saying she's his favourite, but that's off-topic. I know you are going to wait for this man, but PLEASE protect yourself as much as possible...be prepared for everything and don't let yourself go in the process.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sigh, i can feel exactly how you feel......3 years is too long....my MM asked me for half year, i think he is honest with me on this. It's just the mood swing killing me / give you a hug

 

It will all come down to you. If you are okay with this arrangement, then you are okay with it. It will also mean, that if it doesnt work out the way you want it to, you will have no one to blame but yourself.

 

Think of it as signing up for the Hunger Games...May the Odds be Ever in your Favour. Never forgetting, that only 1 out of the 24 will live.

[NoTomorrow]

I don't know if he'll leave or not, but you're surely in for a rollercoaster of emotions, self torture and suffering.

 

Each situation and person is different, even if we can find some typical MM behaviour in your story...I guess the fact that they show common traits does not necessarily mean that the outcome will be the same.

 

However...step back while you can. I don't mean to sound bitter - when I first came here I would resent everyone who would tell me that it didn't look like my MM was leaving for me, because I felt our story was so special and different. I'm only saying this because, even if he does leave for you, you don't know how, when or IF it will happen and, in the meantime, you're in for some serious pain. The over analysing, the waiting, the uncertainty, it's all too exhausting and heartbreaking. I'm telling you all this because I've been there (I am there) and I wouldn't want ANYONE to go through this.

 

So please try not to get any more attached then you already are - rely on him less and less, protect yourself. If he shows you a concrete plan and you want to wait, fine, but if he doesn't follow through (and be prepared for that), just LEAVE. If he doesn't tell you anything concrete...LEAVE NOW. No need to bear grudges. Wish him the best and take care of yourself.

 

If you're meant to be, it will be.

 

 

Thank you for your input. You are totally not being judgmental on this and i appreciate it! Yesterday i told him maybe i am always the fallback girl, and he is pissed, he said his heart are 100% with me, I am never the fallback person. I don't think he is just saying thoese things to keep me within the leash, he did say he didn't want to give me false hope but he did want to be with me. He said he does not want to lose the kids, but he also wants to be happy, and I can make him happy.

[Mcle]

Even if he becomes single he probably won't want you permanently.

 

These cheater guys generally do not want to marry the type of girl who would have an affair with them. They want someone more naive.

 

And don't buy what he says about his wife anymore than what he says about you. He says what suits him to get what he wants.

[AlwaysGrowing]

yes you are right, i meant he told me his youngest little daughter is the one worries him, his oldest son is 19 (already an adult) and his second son is 15. his daughter is 9 and is his favorite. As I mentioned he set a fight with his wife and told her he is thinking about divorce, he also told his little daughter that dad and mom's relationship are not going well, and his daughter was crying and ask him if he is really getting divorced, he told the daughter "I don't know honey". He was heartbroken when he told me this.... he says he needs to do it in case the kids won't be too surprised in the future.

 

Nope..not out of context at all.

 

I see you are not a parent. What your MM did was simply awful. He is using his daughter to justify his choices. I am telling you, a healthy adult does not put their children in the middle or use them as a sounding board. It is extremely damaging.

 

 

 

I would also caution against your offer to financially support him.

[C00kie]

Thank you for your input. You are totally not being judgmental on this and i appreciate it! Yesterday i told him maybe i am always the fallback girl, and he is pissed, he said his heart are 100% with me, I am never the fallback person. I don't think he is just saying thoese things to keep me within the leash, he did say he didn't want to give me false hope but he did want to be with me. He said he does not want to lose the kids, but he also wants to be happy, and I can make him happy.

 

I don't think he's lying to you; I think he means what he says...the thing is, sometimes, even when MM mean what they say, it does not equal them being able to follow through...wanting something is one thing, achieving it is another. He may not even realise that he could be leading you on, or that he may not be able to resolve things after all, because he truly wants to and believes he can do it.

 

Only time will tell. Please keep things real, stay calm and focused mostly on yourself. Take care

[C00kie]

Nope..not out of context at all.

 

I see you are not a parent. What your MM did was simply awful. He is using his daughter to justify his choices. I am telling you, a healthy adult does not put their children in the middle or use them as a sounding board. It is extremely damaging.

 

 

 

I would also caution against your offer to financially support him.

 

I can totally understand him being mostly worried about his youngest. I don't think he's using her to justify his choices. There's a tendency here (I'm refering to most posts on LS) to vilify MM based on everything he says, taking things completely out of context so that no matter how we choose to view it, the things he says or does always have the worst possible interpretation.

 

I don't see things that way - not all the time, anyway.

[NoTomorrow]

Nope..not out of context at all.

 

I see you are not a parent. What your MM did was simply awful. He is using his daughter to justify his choices. I am telling you, a healthy adult does not put their children in the middle or use them as a sounding board. It is extremely damaging.

 

 

 

I would also caution against your offer to financially support him.

 

Thank you!　This was my first impression as well, but i think it might be what he really worried about. If he is simply using the kids as a shield, he does not need to mention he's not too worried about his sons. He said he is worried about if he got divorced, his daughter will feel being abandoned and be with wrong guys in teen age, or do bad things in school, etc. I sort of understand it. But to some degreen i didn't like he always express how he can't be without his kids, because i told him if he is mature enough and really want to be with me, he could try his best to make wrong things right, he could try to deal with his kids, even he got divorced he will not lose the kids anyway, they are still his kids forever, and he can take good care of them, i will also help．　　　

 

Ｉｎ　ｒｅｇａｒｄ　ｏｆ　ｆｉｎａｎｃｉａｌｓ，　ｉｆ　ｈｅ　ｒｅａｌｌｙ　ｇｏｔ　ｄｉｖｏｒｃｅｄ，　ｈｅ　ｈａｄ　ｔｏ　ｐａｙ　ａｌｉｍｏｎｙ　ａｎｄ　ｃｈｉｌｄ　ｓｕｐｐｏｒｔ　ａｓ　ｗｅｌｌ　ａｓ　ｐａｙ　ｆｏｒ　ｔｈｅ　ｈｏｕｓｅ　ｍｏｒｔａｇｅ，ｂｅｃａｕｓｅ　ｈｅ　ｄｏｅｓ　ｎｏｔ　ｗａｎｔ　ｈｉｓ　ｋｉｄｓ　ｌｉｖｅ　ｗｏｒｓｅ，　ａｎｄ　ｈｅ　ｓａｉｄ　ｈｅ　ｗｉｌｌ　ｎｏｔ　ｂｅ　ａｂｌｅ　ｔｏ　ｌｉｖｅ　ｈｉｍｓｅｌｆ　ａｆｔｅｒ　ｐａｙｉｎｇ　ｆｏｒ　ａｌｌ　ｏｆ　ｔｈｅ　ａｂｏｖｅ，　ｈｅ　ｗｏｕｌｄ　ｈａｖｅ　ｔｏ　ｂｅ　ｓｅｐｅｒａｔｅｄ　ｆｏｒ　１　ｙｅａｒ　ａｎｄ　ｉ　ｃａｎ＇ｔ　ｎｏｔ　ｍｏｖｅ　ｉｎ　ｗｉｔｈ　ｍｅ　ｉｍｍｅｄｉａｔｅｌｙ　＇ｃａｕｓｅ　ｉｎ　ｔｈａｔ　ｗａｙ　ｅｖｅｒｙｏｎｅ　ｗｉｌｌ　ｋｎｏｗ　ｗｅ　ｈａｄ　ａｎ　ａｆｆａｉｒ，　ｔｈａｔ＇ｓ　ｗｈｙ　ｉ　ｂｒｏｕｇｈｔ　ｕｐ　ｔｈｅ　ｆｉｎａｎｃｉａｌ　ｈｅｌｐ　ｔｏ　ｈｉｍ．　

[NoTomorrow]

I don't think he's lying to you; I think he means what he says...the thing is, sometimes, even when MM mean what they say, it does not equal them being able to follow through...wanting something is one thing, achieving it is another. He may not even realise that he could be leading you on, or that he may not be able to resolve things after all, because he truly wants to and believes he can do it.

 

Only time will tell. Please keep things real, stay calm and focused mostly on yourself. Take care

 

I liked you said "the things he says or does always have the worst possible interpretation." which I (or women) always do ... But you are right sometimes guys mey really meant it when he said it, but wanting something is so easy, it is painful to sort everything out. He said he is really twisted right now, he created all of this and he came after me, although he never regretted. I think this guy is not a total lier at least to me. He said he had thought about what things will look like if he got divorced before, and he said he will never got married again, just having fun. But I am a person made him thinks he can be married again since he found everything he needs from me.

 

One day he asked me if he got me pregnant what will I do, I asked him back, he said he will marry me. I was pissed, told him "you only think about marrying me for baby's sake?" he hold me tight, and said "NO, not because of that".

 

I think I will also regret if I don't wait for another 6 months, at this point I sortof still believe what he has said. I am trying to build up to make myself strong enough to accept it if he come to tell me he has to quit, or i tell him i have to leave if i feel like it is about the time.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I can totally understand him being mostly worried about his youngest. I don't think he's using her to justify his choices. There's a tendency here (I'm refering to most posts on LS) to vilify MM based on everything he says, taking things completely out of context so that no matter how we choose to view it, the things he says or does always have the worst possible interpretation.

 

I don't see things that way - not all the time, anyway.

 

Involving his young daughter in an argument is very much using his daughter to justify his choices. Trying to get her on his side so to speak, he hurt her, so that he could feel better (I'm just preparing her for something that may or may not happen).

 

I agree with MM being overly vilified generally. I just don't see how anyone can interpret what he did with his daughter as anything other than what it was.

 

I think anyone who is assessing this situation on its own merits can easily see the pitfalls. I see emotional crutch written all over this relationship. It is set up so that he is still the good guy either way, he either comes through..or can point to...I don't want to lead you on, I just want to try to work on my marriage, I really do want you, I just need time to figure things out...in the end...he will say..I never promised you anything. Not a fair way to treat someone.

[Hope46]

I waited. And I would never advise anyone to do it. It was torture. I almost went insane. The pain was unbearable at times. Live your life. Don't make him your priority. Distance yourself. And when you are strong enough, I would cut all physical contact. That is what I did and within weeks, my MM started divorce proceedings. We are now together and completely happy, but I would never go through the pain I went through again by waiting.

 

Best advice, get out. Slowly at first if you can't go cold turkey. It will force him to make a decision. And if his decision isn't you, I suggest you close the door completely and walk away

[painfullyobvious]

If a person will cheat with you they will cheat on you. What kind of a relationship will you ever be able to have if he actually does give you what you want? The foundation that has cheating as its beginning has no foundation at all. Look at all the pain many of us have experienced either as wandering or betrayed individuals. Just read the forum, learn from our experiences and be smart about what you should be doing.

[Cinnimon]

Sigh, i can feel exactly how you feel......3 years is too long....my MM asked me for half year, i think he is honest with me on this. It's just the mood swing killing me / give you a hug

 

NoTomorrow, the thing is, I thought my MM was being honest with me too. That is the reason I stayed so long. Then one day, after the three years I had waited on him to make good on his promises, he told me I'm sorry I cannot leave. The end.

[Walker69]

If he leaves his wife or not, I advise you to keep the same relationship for a while. Make it clear to him that you guys may need to break up at a certain point in the future. Obviously no point for you to go back to your H but you never know you may be in love with an unmarried man, then things will be easier for you. Your MM would suffer, it will be ok over time.