DALIFAN Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 so i have been dating this guy for a month and 3 weeks and we are intimate. We got set up by two of our common friends (a couple, the guy being his best friend and the girl being one of my good friends). He came out of a relationship 2 months ago (he said he never loved his ex though) and I 5 months ago. We've been spending a lot of time together (minimum of 3 times a week) and we both agreed to be dating exclusively but he says he doesn't want a relationship. He told me he has strong feelings for me, I've met all of his friends, the people at his workplace know about me (he is the manager of a restaurant/bar), we do just hang out like for 8 or 9 hours on his couch talking, while he caresses my hair, or we watch movies together, cook, etc.. It feels like a relationship, but he doesn't want it to be one.. any one any advice?
FitChick Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 He is in a relationship with you whether he calls it that or not. FWB is a relationship and so is friendship. They are just different types of relationships. If it's not the type of relationship you want, start dating others and don't be exclusive. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 so i have been dating this guy for a month and 3 weeks and we are intimate. We got set up by two of our common friends (a couple, the guy being his best friend and the girl being one of my good friends). He came out of a relationship 2 months ago (he said he never loved his ex though) and I 5 months ago. We've been spending a lot of time together (minimum of 3 times a week) and we both agreed to be dating exclusively but he says he doesn't want a relationship. He told me he has strong feelings for me, I've met all of his friends, the people at his workplace know about me (he is the manager of a restaurant/bar), we do just hang out like for 8 or 9 hours on his couch talking, while he caresses my hair, or we watch movies together, cook, etc.. It feels like a relationship, but he doesn't want it to be one.. any one any advice? The only real option is for you to decide if you're comfortable with the current arrangement. He's been clear that you are not his girlfriend. Is that ok with you? If not, take a step back. Think carefully about whether you want to continue seeing him if it's not going in the direction you'd hoped. Out of curiosity, why doesn't he want to be in a relationship? 1
Author DALIFAN Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Out of curiosity, why doesn't he want to be in a relationship? well maybe i should have added... he knows i am planning on moving away overseas end of august.. but he never said that was the reason.. The bar/restaurant he is the manager at opened only recently like 3 weeks ago, so he is really busy and works like 11hours 6 day a week and he said he doesn't know if he wants the responsibility of a relationship on top of that.... i know, if a guy says he doesn't want to be in relationship, it means he doesn't want to be in one with you (me..)... it's weird, he has taken me to his parents place too... i'm just confused. i told him like you should run before you can, i don't think i will be able to hold my feelings for much longer. he took me into his arms, kissed me and said: "do you seriously think i don't have feelings for you? i do a lot."
d0nnivain Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I have bad news for him: he's in a relationship with you. As long as you are dating exclusively & the other aspects of this arrangement are working for you, don't get hung up on the label. 4
Mascara Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Being in a relationship doesn't require a formal declaration. It's not like getting engaged or married. Whether you're in a relationship is determined by actions. Not a declaration of "we are in a relationship". If the following apply, he's in a relationship whether he likes it or not - - your involvement with each other is of a romantic nature - you're exclusive 2
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 We've been spending a lot of time together (minimum of 3 times a week) and we both agreed to be dating exclusively but he says he doesn't want a relationship. It feels like a relationship, but he doesn't want it to be one.. any one any advice? Direct translation = he likes you and likes spending time with you. Is ok with not actively pursuing anyone else and doesn't want to have to compete for your time with anyone else either. But doesn't want to be committed to anything beyond next week and doesn't want you bugging him about moving in or discussing wedding dates or talking about what hair and eye color you think your kids are gonna have etc etc. It also means that while he may not be actively pursuing or dating anyone else at this particular moment, it doesn't mean that he isn't keeping some options open if a better one comes along. You are still in a dating relationship currently. Dating is an interview and tryout process. Right now you aren't interviewing anyone else but there is no commitment, no future planning and no one has signed any commitment papers. Both of you are currently free to just walk away at this point for any reason or for no reason. 2
Hope Wolf Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 You should ask yourself seriously if that arrangement works for you. Do you love him? Would you like to hear him say he loves you? Would you respond? Are you insecure in this relationship because he doesn't say he loves you? Do you love him and are hurt by the absence of reciprocity to your feelings in his words? The gestures can be there but sometimes gestures are not enough (I know usually we say it the other way around but for some people like me both words and gestures are very important to develop trust and security in a relationship). You know you'll be moving overseas. Would you like to hear him say he loves you before you disappear? Would you respond? Would you make arrangements for each other even though you're away or would you agree on a committed relationship before you fly away and then both of you digest a heartbreak? There are a lot of things to consider for your happiness. I've just been through a limbo relationship like that and it lasted 6 months before I cut it off because I was fed up with the fact he would never say he loves me although everything else was exaclty like in your case, except the fact I was moving overseas. Relationship or not, something like this is still a heartbreak once it stops, bear that risk in mind. Take care!
FitChick Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 If you will be moving overseas, then just enjoy it for what it is -- a rehearsal for when you find someone who wants to marry you. Make all your mistakes now so you don't make them later.
RedRobin Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Once or twice I've had a guy say this to me. My interpretation is that he wanted ME to be exclusive, while he kept his options open. ... and that 'exclusive' only meant sexually... and even that could change on a dime, since he's saying he doesn't want a 'relationship'... I don't entertain wishy-washy men trying to dance around things with such vague silliness... If I'm having sex with a guy, we are in a relationship... not FWB... not weekend f*ckbuddy either. If he's not ok with that, then he can find someone else to f*ck. I really don't care what he says his 'feelings' are. Obviously they aren't strong enough to be in a relationship with me, so out he goes. Which is what I recommend you do... I also recommend that you don't agree to be exclusive... whatever that means. All you are right now is a FWB, hate to tell you. Lots of guys won't use that term up front and will actively deny that's what they want with you because they know the woman will split.... but make no mistake. That's what you are right now.
Author DALIFAN Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Thank you so much guys for your help! He ended up wanting a relationship Good luck to you guys too!!! 1
mortensorchid Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I'm just getting over this myself, hon. Don't bother with him if he's saying he doesn't want to be serious with you. You don't want to waste any more time on him because he'll find some other excuse further down the road as to how and why he can't be with you then either. Move on.
tlegend Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I'm going to go against the grain and tell you why he doesn't want a relationship. Your plans, as it stands now, is that you are moving away. If I were in his shoes, and I knew that fact, this entire ordeal would be hard for me to swallow. I would probably even back out of the relationship just because I knew that you would be moving overseas. As much as people like to proclaim that long distance relationships work, and they can, it often works less than people like to admit. He's obviously smitten. Every action, thought, and response you listed totally tells me he's into you....a lot. And not wanting to be in a relationship may just be his way of keeping you close, closer than a friend obviously, without knowingly putting himself in harms way when August comes around. Out of sight, out of mind. Lots of men deal with problems they don't want to face this way. I know this because I do it. It's unhealthy, but it doesn't mean he's not into you. In fact, I would go as far as saying its probably a sign of him showing you he REALLY likes you. My 2 cents. 2
Author DALIFAN Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 again I wanna thank all of you so much for giving me your advice! I am really grateful. Turns out he really is serious about me. He ended up telling me, that he was and still is scared about the fact that I'm moving away, but that he can't hold himself back anymore and can't deny the fact that he wants me in his life. He asked me if I want to be in a serious relationship this past weekend. Thank you so much again. (@tlegend: you seem to have good intuition ) 1
tlegend Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 @DALI I'm glad it worked out as you were hoping =)
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