Found my boyfriend on an online dating website..

[miffymars]

My story is I've been with this guy for 2 years until out of the blue he breaks up with me over text saying that his job was causing him stress and how he couldn't handle a relationship right now. 2 months pass of NC and he contacts me wanting me back. I gave him another chance and things have seemed to be going well for us for 6 months. Even having serious talks about starting a family with me and marrying me.

 

Today I've found out from my cousin that he had recently set up a P.O.F account saying he was single and all evidence points that this was really him but he keeps denying it and making up ridiculous stories like how his friend made it because his friend had feelings for me and he still keeping up with the denying. Not providing any evidence that it's not him. Not even coming over to set things straight. Communicating through texts and now he's saying that he's sad that this relationship ended because of lack of trust. Basically trying to make me feel guilty.

 

Now I'm left feeling made a fool of twice and don't know how to cope. I really loved him and would've done anything for him I just thought he felt the same. How could he do this? Please any advice would help I'm really hurt and distraught. He's the only guy I've felt so strongly for...how could he be so heartless?

[elbe]

People don't make other people dating site accounts. Sounds like you made a mistake giving him a second chance. Just keep it separated this time. He came back to you in desperation not out of love. Now he's trying to have a girlfriend to fall back on while still playing the field.

 

Do yourself a favor and lay this to rest.

[miffymars]

People don't make other people dating site accounts. Sounds like you made a mistake giving him a second chance. Just keep it separated this time. He came back to you in desperation not out of love. Now he's trying to have a girlfriend to fall back on while still playing the field.

 

Do yourself a favor and lay this to rest.

 

I really thought he would prove himself in the beginning he was practically going above and beyond for my attention and I noticed how it seemed to fade away after. I guess I was just blinded ... he didn't really love me as much as he said.

 

Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it.. gonna try to let it go.

[Meadowgreen]

I really thought he would prove himself in the beginning he was practically going above and beyond for my attention and I noticed how it seemed to fade away after. I guess I was just blinded ... he didn't really love me as much as he said.

 

Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it.. gonna try to let it go.

 

Sweetie I am SO sorry this pig has lied to you like this...and how dare he insult your intelligence by saying someone else set the profile up, I mean is he for real?

 

I can only imagine how you're reeling from this right now and the pain and unanswered questions you're contending with, but understand that HE is the flawed one here, ok? I'm no psychiatrist but this dude screams textbook narcissism to me.

 

Your only remedy is no contact. Don't give him ANY opportunity to worm back in. He's done it once and look at the world of hurt he's caused you with his nasty ass conduct. You're better than that!

[miffymars]

Sweetie I am SO sorry this pig has lied to you like this...and how dare he insult your intelligence by saying someone else set the profile up, I mean is he for real?

 

I can only imagine how you're reeling from this right now and the pain and unanswered questions you're contending with, but understand that HE is the flawed one here, ok? I'm no psychiatrist but this dude screams textbook narcissism to me.

 

Your only remedy is no contact. Don't give him ANY opportunity to worm back in. He's done it once and look at the world of hurt he's caused you with his nasty ass conduct. You're better than that!

 

He is still trying to guilt me out of ending things...I want to give him a piece of my mind but it doesn't matter anymore I guess...Thank you so much for your advice and kind words its really helping me to see more clearly the situation at hand. I appreciate it!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You should probably adopt a FIRM stance which states, in no uncertain terms, that his recent deceit has simply been 'the last straw', and that there will be no further discussion of getting back together.

 

Keep up with the firmness, and do not let yourself slide back on the 'other' side.

 

 

You just don't want to be somewhere in 12 years and look back to realize THAT is the kind of a guy you're (then still) with.

[Meadowgreen]

He is still trying to guilt me out of ending things...I want to give him a piece of my mind but it doesn't matter anymore I guess...Thank you so much for your advice and kind words its really helping me to see more clearly the situation at hand. I appreciate it!

 

He's projecting blame onto you because he's incapable of taking responsiblity for his actions. He instead finds it easier to manipulate you. He feeds off attention, good or bad, so the best way to get back at him and make him suffer is to fall off the face of the planet. Make him wonder. Force him to think of what he's done, don't give him the answer sheet!

 

You're very welcome. You seem like a beautiful, trusting person with a good heart. He's a creep and he'll get his comeuppance, trust me.

[miffymars]

You should probably adopt a FIRM stance which states, in no uncertain terms, that his recent deceit has simply been 'the last straw', and that there will be no further discussion of getting back together.

 

Keep up with the firmness, and do not let yourself slide back on the 'other' side.

 

 

You just don't want to be somewhere in 12 years and look back to realize THAT is the kind of a guy you're (then still) with.

 

Thank you for your response I will try my hardest to keep up with it and you are very much right I don't want to spend my life with someone who treats me the way the does. I need to remind myself of that constantly. Thank you for the great advice!

[miffymars]

He's projecting blame onto you because he's incapable of taking responsiblity for his actions. He instead finds it easier to manipulate you. He feeds off attention, good or bad, so the best way to get back at him and make him suffer is to fall off the face of the planet. Make him wonder. Force him to think of what he's done, don't give him the answer sheet!

 

You're very welcome. You seem like a beautiful, trusting person with a good heart. He's a creep and he'll get his comeuppance, trust me.

 

Thank you again! It really helps to know this as I've let him do me wrong too many times before. I will try to stay strong and keep NC this time around.

[Meadowgreen]

Thank you for your response I will try my hardest to keep up with it and you are very much right I don't want to spend my life with someone who treats me the way the does. I need to remind myself of that constantly. Thank you for the great advice!

 

As you move forward, understand that you will have crap days were you miss him and debate checking in to see if he's magically stopped being a massive ****head (he won't). That's completely normal and it doesn't mean you're weak or anything like that.

 

When it happens however, you MUST stay strong and resist. Have a backup plan to keep your mind off him - DVD boxsets, a best friend on speed-dial to go grab a coffee with, a local gym where you can find a punching pag (and picture his stupid face each time you throw a punch, haha). You'll also find the support and advice here on LS to be hugely helpful too.

 

Read the definitive guide to No Contact, it'll help so much with keeping you focused.

 

Stay strong!!

[miffymars]

Guys help me he is coming over to talk to me this is all my fault because I responded to his texts. Saying if he really loved me he would have come to make things right. I don't know how to handle this mess now...

[Mariposa10]

Guys help me he is coming over to talk to me this is all my fault because I responded to his texts. Saying if he really loved me he would have come to make things right. I don't know how to handle this mess now...

 

Cancel this, ASAP.

[LadyM]

Guys help me he is coming over to talk to me this is all my fault because I responded to his texts. Saying if he really loved me he would have come to make things right. I don't know how to handle this mess now...

 

I was in a similar situation and I can tell you how this is going to end.

 

He was stringing you along while he sought out other women. I can guarantee you, if he had found a new gal, he would NOT be bothering with you now. He doesn't have his new gal lined up yet so he will continue to use you out of loneliness. And, he will blame YOU for everything. He will twist and turn things around - manipulate you until you actually do think he's right and it's all your fault.

 

I really understand the texts and this meeting coming up. Most of us have been there. We have incessant hope. So, it's okay.

 

But try to remember, this man is toxic for you. He will give you nothing but pain and that is the last thing you need in your life. He had a chance to love you and he can't.

 

Don't give this creep another chance that he so does not deserve.

[LadyM]

Cancel this, ASAP.

 

Mariposa is right.

 

If at all possible, cancel this meeting.

 

There is NO good to come from meeting with him.

[Meadowgreen]

No matter what he tries to pull on you - be it clever mind games to convince you it's your fault this happened or endless promises that he'll change, the truth remains, HE WAS PREPARED TO MEET OTHER WOMEN ON LINE AND PROBABLY HAVE SEX WITH THEM BEHIND YOUR BACK!!

 

Here's what would have panned out if your cousin hadn't made that discovery:

 

• He would be logging on to that dating site regularly whenever you weren't around, all the while playing the part of the devoted boyfriend
   
   
  
• He would've LIED to you that something's come up - "oh no baby, I have to work late that day / I have to visit Mom, y'know what she's like / I have to babysit my grandma's poodle, no you can't come, sorry!" then he would've skipped off with a **** eating grin to meet some broad from POF or wherever
   
   
  
• If that date went well, at the very least he would have arranged to meet her again, and start entertaining a life with another woman. If it went VERY well, he would have had SEX with her before returning to you, his sweet, blissfully unaware girlfriend!
   
   
  
• Repeat points 2 and 3 over and over until he a) gets bored of side piece, ditches her and starts scouting for someone new b) gets discovered by you and just lies his way out of it or c) POF chick puts the pressure on and wants him to get more serious, ie GET RID OF YOU, which he would without a second thought. Picture that for a moment, okay? You're a crumpled mess on your living room floor, your whole world shattering around you as he grabs his suitcase and breezes out of the door whistling a happy tune. That's the last time you would cross his mind, my lovely, and you DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
  

 

 

You may have already forgiven him since he last posted, as he clearly has a knack for manipulating a sweet soul like you, but please please reconsider. It's never too late to wake up to a person's bull****.

 

Big hugs to you!

[LadyM]

No matter what he tries to pull on you - be it clever mind games to convince you it's your fault this happened or endless promises that he'll change, the truth remains, HE WAS PREPARED TO MEET OTHER WOMEN ON LINE AND PROBABLY HAVE SEX WITH THEM BEHIND YOUR BACK!!

 

Here's what would have panned out if your cousin hadn't made that discovery:

 

• He would be logging on to that dating site regularly whenever you weren't around, all the while playing the part of the devoted boyfriend
  
• He would've LIED to you that something's come up - "oh no baby, I have to work late that day / I have to visit Mom, y'know what she's like / I have to babysit my grandma's poodle, no you can't come, sorry!" then he would've skipped off with a **** eating grin to meet some broad from POF or wherever
  
• If that date went well, at the very least he would have arranged to meet her again, and start entertaining a life with another woman. If it went VERY well, he would have had SEX with her before returning to you, his sweet, blissfully unaware girlfriend!
  
• Repeat points 2 and 3 over and over until he a) gets bored of side piece, ditches her and starts scouting for someone new b) gets discovered by you and just lies his way out of it or c) POF chick puts the pressure on and wants him to get more serious, ie GET RID OF YOU, which he would without a second thought. Picture that for a moment, okay? You're a crumpled mess on your living room floor, your whole world shattering around you as he grabs his suitcase and breezes out of the door whistling a happy tune. That's the last time you would cross his mind, my lovely, and you DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
  

 

 

You may have already forgiven him since he last posted, as he clearly has a knack for manipulating a sweet soul like you, but please please reconsider. It's never too late to wake up to a person's bull****.

 

Big hugs to you!

 

You painted such a true and vivid picture of the real situation here and what would have transpired had her cousin not found him.

 

Very well done!!!

 

Great post...

[Meadowgreen]

You painted such a true and vivid picture of the real situation here and what would have transpired had her cousin not found him.

 

Very well done!!!

 

Great post...

 

Thanks, LadyM! Really hope this poor lass doesn't let this scumbucket wriggle his way back in. I don't even know the dude and he makes my skin crawl :/

[miffymars]

Thank you everyone for your advice! I didn't know how to cancel the meeting and it wasn't how i'd expect it to go. He still stuck to the story of someone else making his account which I still don't believe. I expected him to blame me and manipulate me but I was surprised how he acted so calmly and just looked really sad. He didn't make me feel bad instead I feel like he knew I knew the truth and just felt really depressed/regretful (even though he still wouldn't admit it) he accepted that I didn't want to be his girlfriend any longer. I told him that what he did hurt me I kept pressing him to just tell me the truth because I was accepting of it but he wouldn't. I made it clear that I will never give him another chance but he still wants to be a part of my life. I know this sounds crazy but I still care about him. I've accepted the fact that we're not meant to be would it be a bad idea to still be there for him as a friend only?

[Meadowgreen]

Thank you everyone for your advice! I didn't know how to cancel the meeting and it wasn't how i'd expect it to go. He still stuck to the story of someone else making his account which I still don't believe. I expected him to blame me and manipulate me but I was surprised how he acted so calmly and just looked really sad. He didn't make me feel bad instead I feel like he knew I knew the truth and just felt really depressed/regretful (even though he still wouldn't admit it) he accepted that I didn't want to be his girlfriend any longer. I told him that what he did hurt me I kept pressing him to just tell me the truth because I was accepting of it but he wouldn't. I made it clear that I will never give him another chance but he still wants to be a part of my life. I know this sounds crazy but I still care about him. I've accepted the fact that we're not meant to be would it be a bad idea to still be there for him as a friend only?

 

I'm so glad you weren't coerced into 'giving it another go' with him. I strongly suggest no contact. Staying in touch with him 'as a friend' means that:

 

• He still gets the emotional support of a girlfriend from you but without the sex or obligation to provide the same to you in kind
   
   
  
• He may still think he's entitled to sleep with you from time to time
   
   
  
• He may start tormenting you with stories of women he IS sleeping with (been there, done that, don't to it, It sucks ***)
   
   
  
• You won't be given any space or time to heal, and that's just not fair at all.
  

 

 

Stop pitying and worrying about him. He lost the privilege of your concern when he made steps to cheat on you. The reason why he's doing the whole 'sad little puppy dog' act is because he knows he's fresh out of options. He can't lie to you, he can't berate you and he can't make you wild with desire because he now repulses you. All he's got in his arsenal now is to make you feel sorry for him, and that just shows how pathetic he really is.

 

It's about you now. Be your best friend and look after your heart.

[sportygirl84]

That really royally sucks and how you found out was very hard and difficult to deal with emotionally. If your boyfriend truly loved you, he wouldn't be on a dating website especially a site like POF which is just a site to hookup. I recently, went through a breakup. I believed I was exclusive with someone and found him on match, sad to say we are not friends or in each other's lives because I CAN'T TRUST HIM! I still care about him but I feel that if someone truly wants to be with you, you aren't going to find them on dating website. That's such a coward thing to do. You wouldn't be posting something on here, if what happened was wrong.

[miffymars]

I may have made a mistake in telling him I still cared about him and it was ok for us to be in each others lives though not romantically. I was fooling myself thinking that I could handle that. He's been asking to see me again and I've told him I don't think it would be a good idea. He's persistent but today I took it upon myself to tell him that I couldn't be friends with him because I wouldn't be able to heal from what he's done to me. I feel bad that I gave him the wrong idea but also mad at myself for feeling bad about it...I know I shouldn't but why do I? Anyway I blocked him from texting and calling. He tried to call after I sent the text. Now I'm just mess, just in disbelief of how blind I was to the red flags and how devoted I was to someone who could do me so wrong.

[whatsdone]

Why am I having second thoughts about what I did?

[miffymars]

Why am I having second thoughts about what I did?

 

Sorry guys that was me I was on my friends computer and it was logged on to her account.

 

So I went into NC today but he tried to call me several times I blocked him but he called from a restricted number and left me a voicemail. I know I shouldn't have listened but my emotions got the better of me and he just sounded really sad and having that defeated tone in his voice saying "Hi Cheryl (followed by longest pause ever) and then saying "Just really want to talk to you." I know I shouldn't feel bad but I do. Why am I feeling this way? Why can't I just hate him and stop caring for him? Just why?! I feel like im going crazy.

[miffymars]

I know I said I've blocked him but he has attempted to call me on different numbers and I haven't answered. It was very hard for me but I didn't and I logged into my university email this morning to check on something and forgot that he knew my email. I expected some kind of long message but instead he emailed me photos of us together being happy and I don't know what to make of this...

[Meadowgreen]

I know I said I've blocked him but he has attempted to call me on different numbers and I haven't answered. It was very hard for me but I didn't and I logged into my university email this morning to check on something and forgot that he knew my email. I expected some kind of long message but instead he emailed me photos of us together being happy and I don't know what to make of this...

 

He's manipulating you. A man like him is always curious to see just how far they can push the boundaries with you, and when you finally grow a backbone and push back they panic.

 

He's thrown everything he can in his arsenal at you - pity, blame, harrassment, mind games, the works, but believe me, he wasn't gazing wistfully at those pictures of you guys being happy when he was lining up to cheat on you, Cheryl.

 

Of course you're going to remember those happy times and feel conflicted, but that's all they are. Memories. Shadows of a time when you thought he would never hurt you or betray your trust. That man in the photo is an illusion, that's what this liar in the present is banking on to reel you back in.

 

It's always your choice what you do, but he needs to understand that it takes more than a walk down Memory Lane to make this right. He deceived you, disrespected you and treated you like you were disposable. You're none of these things. You're a beautiful, sweet person who might just be realising how strong she can be when it counts.

 

We're here for you, no matter what happens.