Husker Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 My story: My ex and I had dated for a year. We were madly in lovewith each other and I really thought she was the one. I’ve been in a lot ofrelationships in my life but this was something more meaningful and deeper thanI ever felt for someone. But let me focus on some of the bad for a sec: We did have some communication issues that we were both self-aware of. Towardthe end we ended up fighting a lot. A lot of the fights revolved around herinsecurities. Which was weird to me because I always built her up and supportedher. But if I tried to have a serious conversation about something and it upsether, she would get mad and immediately shut down. The other issue is that she had a tendency to be a violent communicator. Whenshe got angry, she would call me names and say some pretty nasty things to me.And I’m a person who has a tendency to get worked-up in emotional situations.So, I had to coach myself to leave the room or just drive somewhere until weboth calmed down. But that would just get her more angry!!! Well one night we got into a big fight and I asked her to leave my apartment. Well,she kept yelling and calling me names and wouldn't leave me alone. So as Ifigured...I blew up and told her we had to break-up and this was too much. Thatwas back in August. I of course immediately regretted it because I was just speaking out of blindrage. I apologized the next day (Even though she didn’t) and she harbored a lotof resentment that I broke up with her. She felt abandoned and I broke thetrust of the relationship. This is where she started to change, the person thatused to love me so much didn’t know if she wanted to be with me anymore. I washeld in this gray area for quite some time. I kept asking her to make adecision if she wanted to be with me or not and she couldn’t. Days turned toweeks and I got all sorts of mixed signals in between. Well, finally she decided she wanted to give it another shot. She asked that Ibe patient with her and we take it slow. And if I did so, it would all workout. So, that’s why I tried to do. We didn’t have sex, we didn’t say I loveyou, we didn’t do pet names. It was all really weird to me since I was stillthe same person that really loved her. But I played by her rules. Still wanting to get her 100% back, I set myself up as a doormat. I cowered atany potential fight and stopped talking about my emotional struggles becausethat made it too tough on her. During this time, I also spoiled her andbasically did anything she asked. But I didn’t see a whole lot of change fromher. She seemed distant and almost happy to be putting me through this torture.Example: She would always want back-rubs so I would give them to her all thetime. She would get half-naked and I would give her one. But she didn’t want tobe sexual or anything like that. Can you imagine what that did to me…esp. withnot having sex in a long time?! I would try to make a move and she wasn’t having it. It started getting worse because I would slowly start saying I love you ordoing the pet names and she wouldn’t reciprocate. So, in self-defense…I stoppeddoing it because I didn’t want to feel rejected. This in turn made her upsetbecause she said it was harder for her to come around when I wasn’t actingmyself…catch 22. And towards the end…I just started losing my sanity. I had no idea how tobalance my emotions with what role I thought she wanted. I guess Ienabled myself to go through the agony but I thought I was doing the rightthing…sticking by her side and allowing her to work through her issues that Ioriginally initiated with the break-up. I kept telling myself the crap was worth it because we'd work out in the end. Well I started to become not so pleasantaround her. I blew up a couple of times because I felt I wasn’t being treatedfairly. Not too mention I started losing self-esteem because I didn’t feel goodenough for her. Well fast forward to a couple weeks ago where she broke up with me this timeand said she needed space to figure all this out. I was upset but of course itwas her choice and let her be. She was scheduled to travel for work and then 4days later she returns. She emails me about working it out again and how muchshe missed me. Needless to say, I got pretty upset...I felt like I was being dragged through the mud.Anyways, it fueled a text fight (which I started) where we said some not sonice things again and we basically tell the other person to eff off, we’redone. Well, of course the next day, I calm down and try to text her to apologize. Itold her that this process has been emotionally draining and it was wrong forme to lash out. She texts back “Thanks for the panic attack from the text fight,we’re through.” From there…I tried calling/emailing/texting her and apologizing. But shestarted to ignore me. Wouldn’t return anything. It made me feel horriblebecause before I blew up on her, we were cordial with each other and talkedabout reuniting once we both fully healed. And now I ruined that. Well, lastweek she replied to one of my emails saying: "It's not ok to email me anymore and we're 100% done. You emailing me isthe emotional roller-coaster I don't want to be a part of anymore. Take care ofyourself" And that made me feel worse! I mean I know I put her through an emotionalroller coaster but she was the one that created it. How the hell am I supposedto be sane and stable when she can’t decide if she wants to be with me or not?! So I let it be up until a couple days ago where I had to email her again justto get closure. (I know this was childish and the wrong thing to do but Iwanted closure). I stuck around for 3 months for this girl while she workedthrough her crap and made every mistake in the book. Granted, I was far fromperfect but I did what I could because I loved her. And now, she completelycuts me out of her life because she blames me for her last panic attack and the"emotional roller coasters" I put her through. No explanation or goodbye.She just flips the emotional switch and ignores me?! Anyways, my email (even though written in anemotional state) wasn’t mean. I apologized for my crap and owned up to it. I said I forgive her and myself for these pastfew months. I explained that this process turned us both into worse version ofourselves and it was just an unfortunate circumstance. I also wished her thebest and thanked her for taking the time to read my final email. Well, that was 6 days ago. She didn’t respond of course(I even asked her not too but she would have ignored me anyways to irrelevant). So, that’s my story. I know this is only one sided and I may have painted herinto a bad person but damnit, I really did love this girl. Minus the fightingand this asinine break-up process…we related on so many levels…with music, art,food, hobbies, family, religion, values…just about everything. I was gonna marrythis girl!!!! The good always outweighed the bad and we had some amazing times.She was my everything (who am I kidding...still is). I feel so guilty forbreaking up with her in the first place. Had I not or I didn’t blow up onher...we'd still be together I just don’t know how to handle her being gone from my life. I secretly praythat she’ll contact me one day but I know that’s my denial stage talking. It'sover and I have to accept that. But I feel so betrayed and hurt that she wouldjust walk out on me without even an explanation. I guess I’m really struggling and don’t know how to move forward. I’m doing allthe right things…exercise, eating right, trying to keep myself busy, NC,therapy, moving into a new apartment, self-help books etc. But nothing seems tomake it better. I just want her back so bad. What do you guys think? Should I do 30 days of NC and then try to contact heragain? Or wait until she contacts me and if she doesn’t just continue moving onwith my life? Or maybe just try to forget about her all together? I’ve beenthrough a lot of break-ups in my day but this one has destroyed me. Any other advice, input, or words of encouragement would be appreciated. Thanksfor taking the time to read my crappy story.
ks0985 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 First of all i would like to say im sorry for your loss vs Iowa yesterday (huge Husker fan myself) Secondly you really did every single thing wrong that a guy can possibly do post break up. Thats okay though we all learn from our mistakes. 30 days seems short if it were me i would go 60 days before i ever even entertained a thought of contacting this girl. She sounds like shes just as unstable mentally as yourself. Fall off the grid and never contact her for 60 days unless she makes an attempt to reach out to you. Really thats your only choice at this point. 1
Author Husker Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 Yeserday's game was bad. Also tired of hearing about Bo getting fired. Glad that was put to rest this morning. Thanks for your response. I hate to hear that I did everything wrong...doesn't help the old self-esteem. But I do appreciate the brute honesty. Maybe I'm completly delusional here but I find myself to be a pretty emotionally stable person. It was just this process that made me go insane and I became a person that I never saw before nor do I ever care to see again. I hope my post break-up choices didn't ruin another shot with her. But oh well...what's done is done. Maybe I'll feel different after 30-60 days. I'm really gonna try hard not to contact her ever again unless she reaches out. That's the goal.
ks0985 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Yeserday's game was bad. Also tired of hearing about Bo getting fired. Glad that was put to rest this morning. Thanks for your response. I hate to hear that I did everything wrong...doesn't help the old self-esteem. But I do appreciate the brute honesty. Maybe I'm completly delusional here but I find myself to be a pretty emotionally stable person. It was just this process that made me go insane and I became a person that I never saw before nor do I ever care to see again. I hope my post break-up choices didn't ruin another shot with her. But oh well...what's done is done. Maybe I'll feel different after 30-60 days. I'm really gonna try hard not to contact her ever again unless she reaches out. That's the goal. Everyone makes mistakes bro, but she has made it very clear she wants to be left alone. Forcing yourself on her just makes you look weaker in her eyes. Let her come to you but also be careful if she does come back. Maybe by then you might not even want to get back into that relationship.
Author Husker Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 (edited) I know. I don't plan on bothering her or anything. I know I shouldn't even have reached out in the first place, post break-up. But I've just been a mess trying to figure all this out on my own. She just walked up and left without any explanation or anything. That's not the person I thought she was. I'm just struggling and trying cope. Looking for advice on the situation or words of encouragement. Thanks for your responses so far. Edited November 30, 2013 by Husker
Author Husker Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Sorry it's a long read but could really use some input from the experts around here. I'm really struggling.
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