SarahJames Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 What is it within us, OW, that allows us to close one eye to the situation we put ourselves in? I'm sitting here thinking how it's possible I miss, am contemplating talking to, and seeing this guy who is able to lie and betray someone closest to him. As OW, we know the truth - they are married men. So, why is it that we stick around? All the single guys in this world and we latch on to some pathetic loser who manipulates everyone in his life. It doesn't make any sense. They have the ability to make us feel so desired, yet they are not willing to give us anything of importance. They are not willing to make us a part of their REAL lives. We are the fantasy they are allowed to play out. And we let them. WHY! 1
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Because many women (and men if they are with a MW) get caught up in their emotions and think with their heart and lower body parts rather then with their heads. Because some are weak and don't care. Because some are selfish and don't care as long as they get what they want. Because some honestly fall in love and are terrified to let go, they get used to the feelings and can't live without him/her. Because some don't have self respect and/or have self esteem issues. Each person is different as to why they do what they do. 1
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Confidence. MM know what they are doing. Single men, not so much.
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Don't get me wrong, with single men they are trying to feel you out. In every relationship there is a power/control issue going on. A single man is trying to establish his dominance. A MM knows his dominance. The MM just by the sake of being a MM, has it. 1
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 This MM who seemingly has everything; wife, kids, social standing, is willing to risk it all for you. That is powerful. 4
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I am amazed what that little ring on a man's finger will do. It has nearly been a year since my hand was broken and I could not fit my wedding ring on my finger. Before then it was like Katy bar the door for whatever. No it is actually better for my wife that I don't wear the newly re-sized ring. It is that evident.
bentleychic Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I am amazed what that little ring on a man's finger will do. It has nearly been a year since my hand was broken and I could not fit my wedding ring on my finger. Before then it was like Katy bar the door for whatever. No it is actually better for my wife that I don't wear the newly re-sized ring. It is that evident. Wait, what? Are you saying that more women hit on you when you're wearing your wedding ring or am I misunderstanding you?
Cinnimon Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 What is it within us, OW, that allows us to close one eye to the situation we put ourselves in? I'm sitting here thinking how it's possible I miss, am contemplating talking to, and seeing this guy who is able to lie and betray someone closest to him. As OW, we know the truth - they are married men. So, why is it that we stick around? All the single guys in this world and we latch on to some pathetic loser who manipulates everyone in his life. It doesn't make any sense. They have the ability to make us feel so desired, yet they are not willing to give us anything of importance. They are not willing to make us a part of their REAL lives. We are the fantasy they are allowed to play out. And we let them. WHY! I think in the beginning when all the MAJOR lies are being told, we choose to believe them. A flaw in us, for myself, I'm thinking so now. Like someone else mentioned , you start to think that this person is risking so much for me, it must be real. Then once feelings get involved it feels impossible to move backwards. We forget that for us they are our relationship focus, we are not their ONLY relationship focus. They start to feel pressured as the game is now changing. OW wants more. We see them at their best, but we do start to realize they are not the Gods we've made them out to be. We figure out that they are liars, cheaters, cake eaters. The feelings are still in tact for us but the head is not staying the same. The good thing is we are not the ones married to them. Why do we still long for them? I think we long for the beginning times, by the end that is pretty much all gone. 2
Beachgirl91 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 My MM wooed me in a way no single guy ever has. He drew beautiful drawings for me, wrote me songs he sang to me, sent videos Of him playing guitar for me. It was obvious he adored me. It was over the top and I loved every second of it. I do believe I became addicted to all the wooing and all the compliments. Whenever we broke up I missed the over the top attention. It's nice to be adored like that. Not so nice when I woke up and realized it wasn't real. 1
will-ow Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 What is it within us, OW, that allows us to close one eye to the situation we put ourselves in? without wanting to over-generalise or speak for other people, I would suggest the strongest reason would simply be Love. All the single guys in this world and we latch on to some pathetic loser who manipulates everyone in his life. You say that like 'all the OWs in the world' are choosing to ignore all the single guys and go after MMs instead.... and that just is not true. Maybe some OWs may have been single for a long time because none of those millions of single men showed any interest, or maybe they'd had relationships that just didn't work out for any one of a gazillion reasons, or maybe they're married too! As for latching on, I strongly object to the usual judgemental cliché that *all OWs are somehow predatory and deliberately go after MMs. Again, it simply is no true. I know many, many OWs (including myself!) who would never have chosen to end up in EMRs with MMs, but sometimes friendships grow into love and people end up in unexpected situations. And while I'm a roll... Not all MMs are pathetic losers, and I doubt if there any MMs out there at all who manipulate absolutely *everyone* 2
Artie Lang Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 forbidden fruit, i suppose. Wait, what? Are you saying that more women hit on you when you're wearing your wedding ring or am I misunderstanding you? i may not agree with Realist on A LOT of things, but i've seen this happen many times- BELIEVE IT! the challenge of it, i guess. 1
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 forbidden fruit, i suppose. i may not agree with Realist on A LOT of things, but i've seen this happen many times- BELIEVE IT! the challenge of it, i guess. That's crazy. They've obviously never discovered the pain and loneliness of being an OW/OM or maybe the excitement overpowers that. Though I don't get the "excitement" part at all in terms of it being an A, any more than excitement in a normal relationship when you love someone. Truth is, even that excitement is short lived and generally overshadowed by sadness, loneliness and regret, anyway. (Not generalizing for all OW. Sorry. Just my experiences.)
Author SarahJames Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 You say that like 'all the OWs in the world' are choosing to ignore all the single guys and go after MMs instead.... and that just is not true. Maybe some OWs may have been single for a long time because none of those millions of single men showed any interest, or maybe they'd had relationships that just didn't work out for any one of a gazillion reasons, or maybe they're married too! As for latching on, I strongly object to the usual judgemental cliché that *all OWs are somehow predatory and deliberately go after MMs. Again, it simply is no true. I know many, many OWs (including myself!) who would never have chosen to end up in EMRs with MMs, but sometimes friendships grow into love and people end up in unexpected situations. And while I'm a roll... Not all MMs are pathetic losers, and I doubt if there any MMs out there at all who manipulate absolutely *everyone* I'm not saying OW are CHOOSING to ignore the single men. I'm simply saying that there are many options out there, and when the OW finds herself head over heels over someone who already has a life with someone else, she should remember that. OW single for a long time because none of the single men showed any interest? So, why didn't SHE show interest in the single man? Why was she accepting when a married one showed interest INSTEAD of saying "no"? When I said "latching on," I wasn't implying that the OW is "predatory". I used it as a means of saying the OW caught deep feelings, and isn't to willing to walk away from the MM because of those feelings. A married man who chooses to CHEAT on his wife is absolutely pathetic. It's very simple. You make a promise to a woman, to love her, never betray her, till death do you part. What excuse can you possibly have for going against all of those things? If you're unhappy, LEAVE. Staying in a marriage, in which your spouse thinks everything is just dandy, but you're cheating is just wrong. It makes the MM a pathetic person. I'm pathetic too - pathetic for ever getting involved with a MM, no matter what the circumstances were. There is no excuse.
Mcle Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 This MM who seemingly has everything; wife, kids, social standing, is willing to risk it all for you. That is powerful. I think that is the appeal deep down for some women. It can make one feel important that someone who has much more than you seems willing to risk it all "for you." But that is the fallacy, most cake eating cheaters take whatever is most easily available to them so it does not necessarily mean as an OW you are "chosen" because you are "special." it also does not mean you have been "picked" over the BW. The fact that a MM will put everything at risk is his own internal issue that has nothing to do with the OW usually. If the actions of a MM validate you then I think there are major self esteem or identityissues at play. A healthy person should not feel good that a MM "chose" them.
Got it Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Don't get me wrong, with single men they are trying to feel you out. In every relationship there is a power/control issue going on. A single man is trying to establish his dominance. A MM knows his dominance. The MM just by the sake of being a MM, has it. Really? This is how you view dating/partnering? Why would a MM "know his dominance". There is no dominance without one side conceding it. I think this is a sad reflection on dating if you believe men are always trying to dominant women. While I agree there may be some push and pull in relationships, I think this is common in all types including platonic, I do not think that men are trying to dominant women in all situations. 2
Got it Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I'm not saying OW are CHOOSING to ignore the single men. I'm simply saying that there are many options out there, and when the OW finds herself head over heels over someone who already has a life with someone else, she should remember that. OW single for a long time because none of the single men showed any interest? So, why didn't SHE show interest in the single man? Why was she accepting when a married one showed interest INSTEAD of saying "no"? When I said "latching on," I wasn't implying that the OW is "predatory". I used it as a means of saying the OW caught deep feelings, and isn't to willing to walk away from the MM because of those feelings. A married man who chooses to CHEAT on his wife is absolutely pathetic. It's very simple. You make a promise to a woman, to love her, never betray her, till death do you part. What excuse can you possibly have for going against all of those things? If you're unhappy, LEAVE. Staying in a marriage, in which your spouse thinks everything is just dandy, but you're cheating is just wrong. It makes the MM a pathetic person. I'm pathetic too - pathetic for ever getting involved with a MM, no matter what the circumstances were. There is no excuse. Sarah, please be gentle on yourself. (((((Sarah)))))) I know, for myself, I was not choosing married men as a course of action. I was in the affair for him specifically. So this was a one shot deal with him. He was the exception to the rule, not the other way around. I think if you are similar then it was a road that you gave a shot, it didn't work out and you learned some lessons and are choosing another fork in the road. We all make mistakes, you learned some very valuable things about life, people, and yourself and it has changed the direction of your life. There are some silver linings in that. Take care of yourself by loving yourself. ((((((Sarah))))) 1
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Wait, what? Are you saying that more women hit on you when you're wearing your wedding ring or am I misunderstanding you? That is exactly what I am saying.
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Really? This is how you view dating/partnering? Why would a MM "know his dominance". There is no dominance without one side conceding it. I think this is a sad reflection on dating if you believe men are always trying to dominant women. While I agree there may be some push and pull in relationships, I think this is common in all types including platonic, I do not think that men are trying to dominant women in all situations. I probably didn't state that quite correctly. Dominance was not the right term. I don't think men are always trying to exert their dominance over women. What I was trying to say is that the 'push and pull' struggle that normally goes on in a regular relationship is not as big an issue with a OW and MM. The same would go for a OM and a MW. The married person in the equation will always have the upper hand so to speak just by the fact that they are married. The OW/OM always has to acquiese to a large degree.
Snipercatt Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 This sounds a lot like, "He/she who cares the least has the most power".
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I know, for myself, I was not choosing married men as a course of action. I was in the affair for him specifically. So this was a one shot deal with him. He was the exception to the rule, not the other way around. Exactly. It was HIM. Not because he was married. In spite of him being married. Never, ever, ever again. I don't regret loving him, but I do regret ever having a relationship with a married man. He says he regrets it too because of how much pain and loneliness it has caused me.
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 This sounds a lot like, "He/she who cares the least has the most power". That is always the case.
Got it Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I probably didn't state that quite correctly. Dominance was not the right term. I don't think men are always trying to exert their dominance over women. What I was trying to say is that the 'push and pull' struggle that normally goes on in a regular relationship is not as big an issue with a OW and MM. The same would go for a OM and a MW. The married person in the equation will always have the upper hand so to speak just by the fact that they are married. The OW/OM always has to acquiese to a large degree. And this I think is subjective. While there may be certain accommodations made, in my situation, he did not have the upper hand. Him being married was his baby to rock and work around, not the other way around. I knew what I wanted in a boyfriend and saw little reason to make major accommodations because of it. So no, the OW/OM does not always have to acquiesce to a large degree. It is going to vary by the people in the situation.
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