Author mysteriouschic Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Obviously I'm not sure, but my gut says that the "his mate's gf broke up with him" story was a made-up excuse which he had all prepared in advance in case he needed it to shorten the date, and the handshake rather than at least a hug further shows that he wasn't interested. The meet seemed kinda awkward in a way it just felt awkward like neither of us knew what to do. I had a drink in my had at the time so I don't know if thats why . I didn't see him online the site at all yesterday afterwards. I have no idea it was just awkwardly formal... I don't know if he sensed my nervousness.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I had this very same thing done to me a few days ago. I, too, thought I had not given off signs of interest, or that he may have been trying to be polite and not overly forward on the first meet.. I, too, made the mistake of being the one to contact him -- and he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship (It's not you it's me cliche line, which is basically another way of saying he's not interested) but that he would like to share thoughts and get to know me better (via email). He was either using the getting to know me better line to soften the blow (and he had no intention of talking to me ever again) or because he didn't want to close the door entirely in case he wanted a fallback girl. Whatever the case, I told him I wasn't interested in engaging with a man who didn't want to get to know me in person, and that I didn't want a pen pal. In retrospect, the handshake should've said it all. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 The meet seemed kinda awkward in a way it just felt awkward like neither of us knew what to do. I had a drink in my had at the time so I don't know if thats why . I didn't see him online the site at all yesterday afterwards. I have no idea it was just awkwardly formal... I don't know if he sensed my nervousness. My guess is , he's probably multi-dating, and he met some chick that he's really enamored by, and he just came to your date with the predisposition that that chick is better. So he really set himself up for not being interested in you at all. It takes two to create that chemistry. If one person is already preoccupied with thoughts of someone else while on a date with you, there is no way that there will be a chemistry between the two of you, no matter how hard you try. It will seem more like a job interview where he's auditioning you / interviewing you to see if you're a better fit for the "job"/position... it's kinda mercenary, which is why I don't like multidaters. This MIGHT be what is happening, but maybe not too... who knows. But when the date is so awkward , it's not always us who should be blamed for it. As I said, it takes 2 to tango. If he doesn't strike you as a socially awkward person, he may have been there with the view that he was just seeing if you're an upgrade on another woman or not. That totally kills the mood, honestly. The guy I went out with the other day, admitted (after I told him I wasn't interested in being pen pals with him) that he had been seeing another woman and that she was better than me but that he wanted to meet me just in case. Now it all fits in: he was just seeing if I had more bells and whistles than that other woman. Don't be that girl. Ditch this guy. You deserve better than to wait on a guy who is not into you.
Author mysteriouschic Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 My guess is , he's probably multi-dating, and he met some chick that he's really enamored by, and he just came to your date with the predisposition that that chick is better. So he really set himself up for not being interested in you at all. It takes two to create that chemistry. If one person is already preoccupied with thoughts of someone else while on a date with you, there is no way that there will be a chemistry between the two of you, no matter how hard you try. It will seem more like a job interview where he's auditioning you / interviewing you to see if you're a better fit for the "job"/position... it's kinda mercenary, which is why I don't like multidaters. This MIGHT be what is happening, but maybe not too... who knows. But when the date is so awkward , it's not always us who should be blamed for it. As I said, it takes 2 to tango. If he doesn't strike you as a socially awkward person, he may have been there with the view that he was just seeing if you're an upgrade on another woman or not. That totally kills the mood, honestly. The guy I went out with the other day, admitted (after I told him I wasn't interested in being pen pals with him) that he had been seeing another woman and that she was better than me but that he wanted to meet me just in case. Now it all fits in: he was just seeing if I had more bells and whistles than that other woman. Don't be that girl. Ditch this guy. You deserve better than to wait on a guy who is not into you. He'd been trying to meet me for ages. He seemed a little nervous imo like he wasn't sure what to do, an we were just chatting walking around. He doesn't seem that confident or a forward guy, from things he's said he seems a bit introverted. It just seemed like an awkward date . I really just want to know where I stand tbh. Maybe send this "Hey, even though we didn't get to ice skate, I still enjoyed your company.I hope your friend was okay?" or Hey, even though we didn't get to ice skate on Saturday, I still enjoyed your company.I hope your friend was okay?" (if I send it tomorrow)
Author mysteriouschic Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Here's more about him in my other thread like before we met up. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/443566-what-do-you-think-does-he-like-me
NoMoreJerks Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) He'd been trying to meet me for ages. That means nothing. Mine had been chasing after me for over a month. He seemed a little nervous imoYou don't know if it's nerves or impatience. I thought mine was having a case of the nerves, but nope. In retrospect, he was just impatient because he wanted to get it over with and wasn't interested, and he did some things that in retrospect are jerk behavior. like he wasn't sure what to doUnless he's super socially awkward, I am sure that if he liked you enough he would 've racked his brains to find something to do or say. I've gone out with super socially awkward men, and even they could come up with ideas about things to do, etc. Because they were eager. Remember, if he is that socially inept, do you want to date someone like that, who will always keep you wondering (unintentionally) if he's still interested in dating you or maintaining the relationship? At best, you're incompatible. At worst, he's just not interested. I go with the latter. I really just want to know where I stand tbh.You already know but don't want to admit. Why not wait a few days to see if he contacts you? Trust me, a man who is into you, will contact you regardless of whether or not he thinks you were interested , unless you told him outright that you weren't interested. I don't know why you're pretty insistent on contacting him -- it's like you're scared of losing him if you don't. If he's that passive that he won't contact you because he's unsure about your interest levels (just like you're unsure of his), do you want someone who is that passive? If he's not contacting you because he's unsure that you are interested, why is it wrong for you not to contact him because you're unsure what his interest levels are? To me, this shows that you know that the level of interest is skewed against you... Edited December 1, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
Author mysteriouschic Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 He was a little passive before meeting me like I had to ask him out he just sort of suggested it saying "maybe if i decide to meet we can do that" I think I just like closure tbh so I won't be wondering what if.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 You are young. You're 20. You want to be liked and validated, and you strike me as a bit insecure and in need of validation. You need to learn to set boundaries, not to chase after people who don't show, clearly, their interest in you, and meet men not with the intention of making them like you, but with the intention of seeing if you two are compatible. The dating world is pretty brutal and mercenary, so you should have a thick skin and not take rejection personally. We should all keep that in mind. And don't go for people who are clearly multi-daters, who act like kids in a candy shop, always seeking to upgrade on the last woman they saw/dated. Most people on the dating scene nowadays do that, and this goes for both online and offline dating. It's sad and pathetic. Try to weed out those shady characters. Your man-picker will improve, but it will take time, rejections, and a lot of hurt. No one said this was going to be easy, and it gets progressively harder every year. I dare say dating/courting were much much simpler in the 50s and 60s, because gender norms and expectations were still fairly well-defined and societal norms punished the sort of things that happen nowadays without anyone even so much as frowning at it... nowadays, jerk behavior is even rewarded, women act desperate and chase after men who shun them or put them on the backburner, among other things... It's sad. Anyway, if you want to contact him, do so, but you will only be disrespecting yourself, IMO, and it will come back to you and lower your self-esteem. The rejection will hurt even more than it stings now. Accept rejection, don't fight it by chasing after someone... and be more introspective as to why you are doing what you are doing. Do you have fear of abandonment due to family past? And be stronger and more confident. Don't act like someone has to like you, in order for you to be in a relationship -- act like YOU need to like THEM (so THEY better put on their BEST behaviour and impress the hell out of you!), and for the liking to be mutual. Good luck, let us know what happens (I still don't recommend contacting him), and keep your head up no matter what.
Author mysteriouschic Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 (here's more detail about what actually happened) We met at the shopping centre place . He greeted me when he arrived with a handshake. He said he was nervous about ice skating and really worried he was going to break himself up (he said this before we actually met too), that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go, he was worried about falling, we walked over to the ice rink. As we were walking he'd told me he had to see his mate back from Germany after as his girlfriend had just broken up with him so thats where he was gonna go after he'd met up with me and he asked what I was gonna do after. We got to the ice rink we just stood outside watching. He was still uncertain about going and was like maybe we'll just watch people fall , an saw no one was really falling an said no one seems to really be falling. He said more things He said he had bad balance , he was worried about going an the last time he went rollerblading when he was young he said he nearly killed himself. I persuaded him in the end to go by like say "aw sure maybe just give it a go you said you wanted to you might regret it if you don't sure if you don't like it we can leave early" an he asked if I wanted to ice skate I said yeah it'd be good and said I was bad to. We walked over to pay but they said the next session wasn't for another 2 hours so we left it he joked about how he was lucky he didn't have to skate that it worked out in his favour joking.. We walked around was gonna get food or a drink, we walked around the town a little we couldn't decide what to get and it was busy an one of the queues in starbucks was really long so we got coffee in a cafe. We paid for ourselves walked around the town a bit talking and he said we'd walk down the town that his car was parked that way. We spoke a lot he asked me loads of questions I asked him a few. He brought up stuff as well that he didn't need to add , he was engaged in the conversation. Then thats where we kind of ended it , it seemed like neither of us knew what to do.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Here's how I interpreted what happened : You were pushy. Why insist on ice-skating? He kept telling you he didn't feel comfortable with the idea. You should've listened.ALWAYS listen to what men say and believe them when they say something. I'm not sure I want to do this = I'm not sure I want to do this. It doesn't mean "I am just saying that so you will make me do it". Instead, you acted like a selfish, spoiled girl, and he was so relieved he didn't have to do it. Probably embarrassed at himself later on, because he couldn't say no to you and would've had to do it if he hadn't gotten lucky. Probably feels emasculated because he was too nice to say no. I think your stubbornness was taken as a red flag that you were selfish, and he just doesn't want to see you anymore because he may have come across as a pushover. I think he was nice enough to continue the date after the ice-skating thing didn't work out, but he wasn't feeling it at that point. Now you want to be pushy again by chasing after him. He is not interested. Let this go, and stop being so pushy and making men do things they don't want to do. Just my 2 cents.
amazingdrummer Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 when a guy said "well, it's nice meeting you" and gave me a good handshake, I knew it's time to find a new guy to date. 1
cactusgal Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Hi, I saw your other thread in Boards (I'm from the same country as you). The posters there gave you the same advice as the people here. He's not keen. Move on and stop obsessing. My boyfriend is very shy around New people and can be quite anxious in general, but he found it within himself to ask me out and kiss me. It was clear he liked me despite his nerves. This guy has had ample opportunity to express interest, but he hasn't. Life is short. Move on.
Author mysteriouschic Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Here's how I interpreted what happened : You were pushy. Why insist on ice-skating? He kept telling you he didn't feel comfortable with the idea. You should've listened.ALWAYS listen to what men say and believe them when they say something. I'm not sure I want to do this = I'm not sure I want to do this. It doesn't mean "I am just saying that so you will make me do it". Instead, you acted like a selfish, spoiled girl, and he was so relieved he didn't have to do it. Probably embarrassed at himself later on, because he couldn't say no to you and would've had to do it if he hadn't gotten lucky. Probably feels emasculated because he was too nice to say no. I think your stubbornness was taken as a red flag that you were selfish, and he just doesn't want to see you anymore because he may have come across as a pushover. I think he was nice enough to continue the date after the ice-skating thing didn't work out, but he wasn't feeling it at that point. Now you want to be pushy again by chasing after him. He is not interested. Let this go, and stop being so pushy and making men do things they don't want to do. Just my 2 cents. Oh right I didn't realise that came across as pushy, it was just because he told me he really wanted to try it . I not a pushy person,I did say we could leave if he didn't want to. Really didn't see it as that. If I do send a message whats a good message to send that isn't pushy? "Hey, even though we didn't get to ice skate, I still enjoyed your company.I hope your friend was okay" or "I had a nice time on Saturday, we should meet up again - I hope your friend was okay?"
NoMoreJerks Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 "Hey, even though we didn't get to ice skate, I still enjoyed your company.I hope your friend was okay" If you REALLY want to contact him, this sounds like the best way to go. Leave it open-ended and let him take the lead and ask you out if he is interested.
Author mysteriouschic Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 I'm going to leave it for a while maybe even leave it tomorrow going to really think it through before I do anything, an to make sure I'm not acting impulsively. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 He was a little passive before meeting me like I had to ask him out he just sort of suggested it saying "maybe if i decide to meet we can do that" I think I just like closure tbh so I won't be wondering what if. Can I ask why are you so hung up on a man you've only met ONE TIME?? You didn't talk to him for ages beforehand, he never promised you a relationship, NONE OF THAT. Please save your dignity girlfriend. He needs to contact YOU. YOU need not chase HIM. If things ended on a better note (i.e. a hug instead of a handshake) then I wouldn't have an aversion to YOU INITIATING contact. And FYI I am not the type the follows the dumb rules but I follow common sense. Every guy who was interested after our first date contacted ME. The more interested they were, the more they would plan before even before the end of the first date when we would meet up again. The friend story was an exit plan. Don't stalk his profile or come off as desperate. It will only make you his back up plan or push him away. You are NOT LOST he has multiple mediums by which he can contact you. There are no guarantees after a first date unless you'd been talking for ages and getting to know each other thoroughly beforehand. Then I'd expect an explanation for a Houdini act; otherwise I'd LET IT GO. 1
Iguanna Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 His best friend had JUST broken up with his gf? Yeah, I'm sure they both use this same lame excuse to end a disastrous date. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Why are you so insistent on contacting him? Take a few steps back. It's frustrating when things don't pan out as you'd hoped but I do think you're getting in too deep here. If you text him and get a wishy-washy response, you still won't have any insight as to why he's not pursuing you. If you don't get a response at all, you'll feel much worse. He will get in touch if he likes you. If he want to meet again he will find you. You say he was passive in initiating plans in the first place - what does that tell you?
NoMoreJerks Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) His best friend had JUST broken up with his gf? Yeah, I'm sure they both use this same lame excuse to end a disastrous date. yeah. I think this guy had lost interest before even meeting OP, which is why I said he must be a multi-dater and met someone he was interested in more, and just thought he'd check out another candy (the OP) "just in case" she turns out better than that other girl -- he wouldn't want to miss out on a better deal, would he? this is why he didn't cancel the date and didn't stand her up, showed up but gave that excuse at the beginning -- maybe because he checked out her looks in person and didn't like her better than that other chick so he immediately gave that excuse without even giving her a chance to show her personality, etc. sounds like a very shallow person to me. it's almost like he was out the door before he even got there, just like the guy I went out with... he never gave OP a decent chance to show her personality, etc., and to test if there was compatibility or chemistry between them, etc. His loss, though, OP. based on what I know, he sounds immature and a bit on the jerk side. If I am not interested in someone, I don't go out with them, plain and simple. This guy wanted to check out if you were hotter than some other chick, and if you were, then he might've pursued you. He has/had zero interest in your personality or other aspects of you, or for that matter, any other woman. A lot of people go on dates with multiple people simultaneously because they want to compare and find the one with all the bells and whistles they want, sorta like buying a car. Instead of investing a little bit of time into getting to know one person,one at a time.. Highly immature and dehumanizing/objectifying, IMO. Maybe you dodged a bullet. Edited December 1, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 1
ForeverHopeful1 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 If I end a date with a handshake, we are not dating and I have no interest in you. If I did, I would be kissing you, not shaking your hand.
scorpiogirl Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Oh. My. God. Just send the freaking message so people can stop wasting their time trying to make you see what's clear as day. Send it. Send it. Send it.
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 A handshake says to me, "God I hope she doesn't try to kiss me..." 2
NoMoreJerks Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 The jerk I went out with a few days ago actually even went as far as to tell me not to wait for him to put on his coat (!). lol 1
Author mysteriouschic Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 (edited) So I did sent the message , he didn't reply I don't mind too much I just needed to stop thinking about. Looking back to the date I realise I may have put a bad impression across about myself I was nervous and the nerves got the better of me. I think he may have done more of the talking. I was too caught up on trying not to mess up and thinking about it an since because my ex we got too close really quickly. So I was trying to avoid getting too close in case I'd make a mistake. In way maybe I'm just not ready to date yet maybe not fully over my ex as much as I thought . I don't feel like I was myself at all on the date if I'm being honest. It took me a while to actually look to how I was acting . I reckon I came across as cold in a way, an since I wasn't at ease and this has never happened before. Although maybe he just didn't like me anyway. I'm just going to continue my break away from dating which is what I was doing before but we were in the middle of talking. Now I can fully take a break and focus on myself, work on my confidence get to my fully happy self again. The way I was before I met the ex I thought I was but maybe I'm not yet. Edited December 2, 2013 by mysteriouschic 1
ChessPieceFace Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 When I read your clarification saying that he was asking a lot of questions about you, that gave me pause. If he wasn't interested from the beginning, I don't know why he'd ask a lot of questions. So who knows what really happened in his mind. In general, just don't invest so much emotion in a person you haven't met yet. It's unhealthy for a lot of reasons.
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