Online Dating Woes

[simplicity1]

I've been seeing this guy for almost a month (6 great dates). We have one planned for next week. We have each proposed dates and neither one of us has ever declined or postponed. We started building some intimacy (shirts off) and with his busy schedule I can't imagine he could be squeezing many, or any, other dates in with other girls. I've really started falling for him and it's been years since I've felt this way. Presumably he's feeling good about things too since he continues to plan dates. (early 20's, btw).

 

Trouble is-we don't text or talk much at all in between dates except to plan our next date, and I can see from my friend's account that he continues to log into the dating site 1-3 times a day. I'm wondering if- even if he's not seeing anyone else now- he may be trying to see more girls, may be seeing me until something better comes along, may not be sold on us as a team... I don't know.

 

My ex brought up us being gf/bf only two days after our first kiss and I was completely sold on him at the time, so this is the first time I've dealt with an awkward "what are we?" period in dating. I'd really rather let the new guy bring up questions of exclusivity but this uncertainty has been driving me crazy so I think I may need to bring it up for my own sanity, even if it feels unnatural for me to bring it up.

 

My ex just asked me straight up "are you my girlfriend?". Since I was really into him this was great! But for someone on the fence it seems quite direct. I was thinking of saying something like "it's been hard to tell what you're thinking.." to get a conversation started.

 

Any thoughts on what his deal is, how I can get him to bring up this topic, or how I can smoothly figure out what is going on between us? If I don't find out soon where we stand I'll just continue to obsess over the uncertainty, I think!

[d0nnivain]

When you lable things too fast, you ruin them. However, I would have a conversation with him about expectations & exclusivity before you have sex. Until that conversation happens, you must assume that yours is an open relationship where both sides are seeing other people. (Make this assumption even though you believe his schedule precludes other dates)

[nomadic_butterfly]

I've been seeing this guy for almost a month (6 great dates). We have one planned for next week. We have each proposed dates and neither one of us has ever declined or postponed. We started building some intimacy (shirts off) and with his busy schedule I can't imagine he could be squeezing many, or any, other dates in with other girls. I've really started falling for him and it's been years since I've felt this way. Presumably he's feeling good about things too since he continues to plan dates. (early 20's, btw).

 

Trouble is-we don't text or talk much at all in between dates except to plan our next date, and I can see from my friend's account that he continues to log into the dating site 1-3 times a day. I'm wondering if- even if he's not seeing anyone else now- he may be trying to see more girls, may be seeing me until something better comes along, may not be sold on us as a team... I don't know.

 

My ex brought up us being gf/bf only two days after our first kiss and I was completely sold on him at the time, so this is the first time I've dealt with an awkward "what are we?" period in dating. I'd really rather let the new guy bring up questions of exclusivity but this uncertainty has been driving me crazy so I think I may need to bring it up for my own sanity, even if it feels unnatural for me to bring it up.

 

My ex just asked me straight up "are you my girlfriend?". Since I was really into him this was great! But for someone on the fence it seems quite direct. I was thinking of saying something like "it's been hard to tell what you're thinking.." to get a conversation started.

 

Any thoughts on what his deal is, how I can get him to bring up this topic, or how I can smoothly figure out what is going on between us? If I don't find out soon where we stand I'll just continue to obsess over the uncertainty, I think!

 

This is the sucky and albeit common part of online dating. This is why I've recently thrown up my white flag of surrender. I am not exactly sure what you are looking for but in general OLD is great for FWB, Hooking up type situations where commitment is not of the essence.

 

To be honest he may very well be multi-dating; tis the American way. You definitely should discuss labels and exclusivity (if that is what you seek) BEFORE going in too deep physically. He sounds like he is clearly exploring more options and maybe it is too soon to be fully "sold" on you as a couple.

 

I like to establish certain standards before even going out with a man from online to make sure we are on the same page. My personal rule is after the third date, we don't necessarily have to be "in a relationship" but I would appreciate if we focused on getting to know each other, one on one without external parties in the mix. Some will agree with it, some will not.

 

The final straw for me with OLD came recently (after a 1 1/2 yr dating hiatus IRL and OL). I met a guy, spent 6 days/two entire weekends with him. I should have known from the first time we Skyped prior to meeting him harping on how "hot" he found me and focusing purely on the physical. He claimed he didn't have sex outside of relationships.

 

So weekend 1, he told me the Sunday, you know what, I think we should just get to know each other 1 on 1. I had an awesome time with you. We went to a party, got introduced to all of his friends. I slept over and he was very hands on and I told him to pump the brakes and so he did.

 

Weekend 2, we had fun and I met his mentor as well (pretty serious in my book but clearly not his). On the Saturday night we fooled around but didn't sleep with each other. He went to his bathroom to get some condoms, and I said, what is that for? He said, "oh in case we have sex." I was like we are NOT having sex. Anyway, the next day I said well now that we have fooled around, I'll take you up on last weeks offer for you to deactivate your profile and we get to know each other more to see if we are compatible for a long term relationship. He then said he needed to "think about it" which was funny after being so sure 7 days prior. Then he denied what he said the weekend before on the Monday when something else came regarding his ex and long story short I cut him loose. His actions and words did not align. You only have sex in a relationship yet you were not trying to progress to that and were eager to jump my sexy bones. He also began to tell me how many other women were chasing him at work, online, etc. And I said, "what do you know? I am in the same predicament so wtf is your point?"

 

You need to know where you stand asap or else you will keep dating, fool around and maybe even have sex only to be dropped out of nowhere. You need to know so you can make an informed decision of how far to go emotionally and physically.

[simplicity1]

This is the sucky and albeit common part of online dating. This is why I've recently thrown up my white flag of surrender. I am not exactly sure what you are looking for but in general OLD is great for FWB, Hooking up type situations where commitment is not of the essence.

 

To be honest he may very well be multi-dating; tis the American way. You definitely should discuss labels and exclusivity (if that is what you seek) BEFORE going in too deep physically. He sounds like he is clearly exploring more options and maybe it is too soon to be fully "sold" on you as a couple.

 

I like to establish certain standards before even going out with a man from online to make sure we are on the same page. My personal rule is after the third date, we don't necessarily have to be "in a relationship" but I would appreciate if we focused on getting to know each other, one on one without external parties in the mix. Some will agree with it, some will not.

 

The final straw for me with OLD came recently (after a 1 1/2 yr dating hiatus IRL and OL). I met a guy, spent 6 days/two entire weekends with him. I should have known from the first time we Skyped prior to meeting him harping on how "hot" he found me and focusing purely on the physical. He claimed he didn't have sex outside of relationships.

 

So weekend 1, he told me the Sunday, you know what, I think we should just get to know each other 1 on 1. I had an awesome time with you. We went to a party, got introduced to all of his friends. I slept over and he was very hands on and I told him to pump the brakes and so he did.

 

Weekend 2, we had fun and I met his mentor as well (pretty serious in my book but clearly not his). On the Saturday night we fooled around but didn't sleep with each other. He went to his bathroom to get some condoms, and I said, what is that for? He said, "oh in case we have sex." I was like we are NOT having sex. Anyway, the next day I said well now that we have fooled around, I'll take you up on last weeks offer for you to deactivate your profile and we get to know each other more to see if we are compatible for a long term relationship. He then said he needed to "think about it" which was funny after being so sure 7 days prior. Then he denied what he said the weekend before on the Monday when something else came regarding his ex and long story short I cut him loose. His actions and words did not align. You only have sex in a relationship yet you were not trying to progress to that and were eager to jump my sexy bones. He also began to tell me how many other women were chasing him at work, online, etc. And I said, "what do you know? I am in the same predicament so wtf is your point?"

 

You need to know where you stand asap or else you will keep dating, fool around and maybe even have sex only to be dropped out of nowhere. You need to know so you can make an informed decision of how far to go emotionally and physically.

 

really sorry about that progression! Sure sounds serious to me to introduce you to all those people only to pull back majorly. Frankly I think it's surprising to get as far as you at all in the OLD world..before this saga I'd been out with maybe 7 or 8 people of which maybe two got second dates (and a third declined my request for a second date).

 

So I think your advice- to ASK HIM, is well taken. But I'm still looking for some advice on how to either get him to ask me, or to ask him in a way that is smooth and doesn't harm what we have building up.

 

On my end I've done the self reflection and would be ready to try a relationship with him.

[d0nnivain]

But I'm still looking for some advice on how to either get him to ask me, or to ask him in a way that is smooth and doesn't harm what we have building up.

 

A few weeks into my relationship with the man who is now my husband, I told him I liked him. Just like that flat out. He said it back . . . .it was a pretty low pressure situation. Then I asked where he saw this relationship going & whether he thought we were exclusive or wanted to be. He answered me but sort of said why am I asking. I said I liked where we were, I wasn't trying to change things & I was OK with the status quo but since I felt like things were moving in a certain direction, I thought it was only fair to let him know that I didn't have sex outside of exclusive relationships but I also didn't believe a relationship was exclusive until the 2 people talked about it.

 

At that point we hadn't been alone in either of our homes so there was no possiblity of taking the relationship futher in my mind because I was wayyy too old to have sex in cars.

[nomadic_butterfly]

really sorry about that progression! Sure sounds serious to me to introduce you to all those people only to pull back majorly. Frankly I think it's surprising to get as far as you at all in the OLD world..before this saga I'd been out with maybe 7 or 8 people of which maybe two got second dates (and a third declined my request for a second date).

 

So I think your advice- to ASK HIM, is well taken. But I'm still looking for some advice on how to either get him to ask me, or to ask him in a way that is smooth and doesn't harm what we have building up.

 

On my end I've done the self reflection and would be ready to try a relationship with him.

 

You cannot get him to do anything. He has to "think about it" on his own accord. Without you clearly defining what you want and asking him for his objective, you may never hear it from him. I am old school in that I think men are hunters and are the ones who should be first to take initiative. Most women are relationship minded and wouldn't hang out for so long without expectation of progressing into a relationship. The only exception is FWB but if that was your goal you would have already reached that by now.

 

What makes you hesitant to ask him? I think a lot of problems/misinterpretations would be solved in general if people were more open and direct in communication. Just as how you cannot read his mind, he cannot read yours. I try to be as transparent as possible and although it is not full proof, it still helps me weed out guys whose intentions/objectives don't align with mine. Everyone has different ideas of how relationships should progress and rules that they play buy. We cannot read his mind any more than you can but simply asking may give you the answer you need.

[nomadic_butterfly]

A few weeks into my relationship with the man who is now my husband, I told him I liked him. Just like that flat out. He said it back . . . .it was a pretty low pressure situation. Then I asked where he saw this relationship going & whether he thought we were exclusive or wanted to be. He answered me but sort of said why am I asking. I said I liked where we were, I wasn't trying to change things & I was OK with the status quo but since I felt like things were moving in a certain direction, I thought it was only fair to let him know that I didn't have sex outside of exclusive relationships but I also didn't believe a relationship was exclusive until the 2 people talked about it.

 

At that point we hadn't been alone in either of our homes so there was no possiblity of taking the relationship futher in my mind because I was wayyy too old to have sex in cars.

 

Precisely. I learned in my late teens NEVER assume anything when dating. Since then I've always hated when men I've dated informed me that I was in a relationship with them rather than ASKING me directly. It is a mutual decision to be made not an ASSumption in my book. A concise and clear talk ensures both parties are knowledgeable of the other's expectations and status. Marginal room for confusion.

[simplicity1]

So, were now coming up on 3 days of no texting. He accepted my date proposal for this week but without specifying a concrete time, and he also accepted an invitation to my party. (He had planned many of our previous dates so thought it would be cool if I proposed ideas). Meanwhile hes been on the dating site a whole bunch of times. I'm waiting for him to follow up about our date scheduled for tomorrow, but don't know whether I should text or wait for him to text. Is his silence/lack of initiating texts at all while I've been out of town for Thanksgiving likely a sign of disinterest? Should I follow up with him about tomorrow at some point or just leave it?

[nomadic_butterfly]

So, were now coming up on 3 days of no texting. He accepted my date proposal for this week but without specifying a concrete time, and he also accepted an invitation to my party. (He had planned many of our previous dates so thought it would be cool if I proposed ideas). Meanwhile hes been on the dating site a whole bunch of times. I'm waiting for him to follow up about our date scheduled for tomorrow, but don't know whether I should text or wait for him to text. Is his silence/lack of initiating texts at all while I've been out of town for Thanksgiving likely a sign of disinterest? Should I follow up with him about tomorrow at some point or just leave it?

 

Leave it. Everyone's different but I am a big confirmer before dates. If it were important to him he'd remember it unless something unforeseen happened.