Losther Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Has anyone her ever been in a mentally abusive realtionship? My ex just sent me a lsit of things tht I do that Angers her and after reading the list I went online and read about Controlling Abusive realtionships. And alot of the charecteristics they decribe are things I do. Control, Anger and Manipualtion. I never thought I was Mentally abusive but now I know I am and am actually scared and want to do whatever it takes to stop controlling. But I guess part of the psyche of this type of person is to not accept that they may be a at fault in any situation. This clears alot up for me and I see where me and her have diverged in the past. I can only imagine how low I have probably made her feel with the lack of respect for what she felt and the lack of communication we had. So I guess my engagemnt ring idea is out cuz it would only emphasize the fact that I am a controlling person. But now I fear the this reLAtionship is truly lost. I was wondering, has anyone ever been in this type of realtionship, and has the person they were with ever changed? Basically do i have HOPE? And what do I do, besides getting myself help? Or is that all I can do.
RowanRavyn Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Wow. I am impressed. There is help. You might try calling a local DV shelter, they may have counseling programs for men. If not you can seek help through an individual counselor. Leave her be for now. Work on you. Do this for YOU.
Author Losther Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 Yeah, Thank You for the support. I am goign to start seeing a counselor next week. It has been almost 2 months since me and this girl last spoke and i have been seeing things in waves. I reread a past list that mirrored what she wrote now and it's amazing how dead on she was and how little I grew in year. But now looking back on it I see everythign more clearly. My brothers told me and my freinds told me. bUt I could never be worng or at fault It wasn't until i saw the way my father behaved during the holidays that I realized my actions mirroed his and when you talk about men his behavior is at the opposite end of what i want to be. It was actually very scary to knwo I was spawned by my dad. So here I am now. I'm scared and don't want to end up like him. But I'm scard about this realtionship. I loved this girl mroe than anything in LIFE. And how can I move forwad knowing she may never coem back to me and knowing I was the cause? Before I usd to beleive that I was soo mean to her because she actedd bad. But now I cringe when I think that. I'm seeing now the meanness wasn't becasue of what she did, but becasue I expected her to fill some perfect role I had envisioned and no matter how hard she tried she could never fill it. And the wonderful person she was she tried, and dealt w/ me. I am plannign on working on me for a month and giving her her space. But what do I do then? Do i wait for her to contact me or do i try to contact her?
RowanRavyn Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 I would suggest after at least a month you talk to your counselor about having her sit in on a session, or how best to contact her. I have to tell you, I was in your GFs position. (though mine was much longer and was marriage). He "got saved", began counseling, but was still stalking me and being abusive to my children and me. We went to shelter, and eventually fled the state. I ended up with full custody of my children, and during the divorce procedings he back tracked on ALL of his counseling and such. I hope he has changed. It wont do him any good with me or his children, but I hope for his sake he has changed. If he contacted me now, I would have him arrested. Mental abuse often leads to physical, sexual, and financial abuse. The best thing you can do is fix yourself. I hope its not too late for the two of you, but its never to late for YOU.
Author Losther Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 Hey, Sorry for the continual post. I have been a drain on my friends trying to get advice and learn fromt heir expereiences so I have banished myself here for a while. I am also sorry about your realtionship. I tried to PM you but couldn't. But let me ask you soemthing. DId you go w/ him to counseling or to church? Did you see a change in him that he couldn't sustain? did you give him a chance after he started goign to cousneling? Was he phsiclaly violent toward you? Towrads your kids? You don't have to anwer and or all of them if you choose. The problem is that I am scared about me. I have beeen in church my whole life, recently stiopped going and want to start again. Maybe change churches. I am also planning on going to cousneling. When did you knwo that it wouldn't work. I love my girl dealry and have to think of her also. If I can't fix this problem I don't want to marry her and have kids and abuse them and have my kids ending up the way I am cuz that is what my DAD did to me. And eventually perpuating the cycle. She tells me her hert is closed to me right now. I don't know what to believe anymore. But it has been 6 1/2 years. And we were very happy at times.
RowanRavyn Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 I can't PM you either. He started off being mentally and emotionally abusive. It progressed to physical and sexual. As well as financial. I saw desperation. He became unbearably clingy and more posessive. I was very active in church during the whole time we were together (which was almost ten years by the time the divorce was final), and he wouldn't go. I didn't badger him about it. The Sunday before we left him he went to church, forced me to go with him, went to the altar and "Got Saved". On the way home, he told me, "Now you can't leave me." Two days later my preschooler told me what he had been doing to her in detail. Soon as I left he went to the church and told them what "I" had done to "him". I lost my entire church and support system. Luckily my mom, one sister, one brother, my aunt, and a few good friends never deserted me. They helped me start a new life far away from him. Oddly, as soon as we were out of the picture he dropped counseling, anger management, and everything. Maybe he was trying. Maybe it was just another way of controlling me. I don't know. He was part of a cycle of abuse that I refused to allow him to continue with my children. It goes back many many generations in his family.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 i was in a VERY mentally abusive relationship http://www.seeitandstopit.org This web site has a checklist that tells you whether you are in an abusive relationship. I said yes to all of them!. Get out!!! I did and now I have never been happier. Believe me. You may think that you love her and that this will change but it wont. You will realize how much you wont miss her "list" when you don't have to hear her controlling you! Be strong and do the right thing for yourself. See the problem is, they manipulate you so bad that wheat they tell you, you actually start believing. I actually started to believe i hated my mother b/c he twisted my head so much. Don't fall into that trap. They want you to start thinking like they do. TOTALLY BRAINWASH YOU. Whatever she is saying to you, she's wrong! Your not this and your not that. Don't listen to her, b/c eventually you will start believing that you are a woman (exaggeration) Please be strong and end it before you can't get out anymore!
Author Losther Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 Actually, I'm the abuser in this situation. I am trying to get help so I can move to a better place and hopefully save this realtionship and myself.
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