Feeling Totally Stuck

[Butterfly5525]

Hi everyone!

 

My ex-husband and I were married for just under 10 years and then we got divorced several years ago due to his multiple infidelities. Also, wee have one daughter together.

 

A few months after my EXH & I split up, I met another guy from an online dating site. I really fell for this guy and I was totally devastated when after 2 years of dating he broke up with me. 3 months after that, he called me up crying & seemingly totally full of remorse for breaking up with me and he practically begged me for another chance. Although I was hurt & angry that he broke up with me, I decided to give him another chance. We got back together & a little under one year later he breaks up with me again.

 

It's now been six years since we originally started dating. We were together for a total of 3 years and it's been 3 years since we were last in a relationship together. While I've only done a little bit of dating since we split up, he's had several girlfriends. Most of these "relationships" only lasted for about 3 months max but he's been with his current GF for a year and a half now. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've stayed in touch with him off & on ever since we broke up. Mostly on though. The longest we've ever gone without talking to each other since we broke up is only a whopping 3 months. I think staying in touch with him was a huge mistake. It's made it so that I still feel emotionally attached to him & has made it very difficult for me to move on. I feel like such a loser that he's had several girlfriends since we split up & I still haven't even had one new boyfriend yet. I've definitely had my moments of feeling pretty lonely. I have friends but often really miss the companionship that comes with being in a relationship. :cry: I think deep down I stayed in touch because I still loved him & was scared that I might lose him forever. I'm pretty sure he has commitment issues (37 and never married&no kids). So, I think I was hoping that someday he would magically snap out of it and realize that I was the one he wanted to marry & spend the rest of his life with.

 

Also, in the past few years there were at least a few times where he'd practically beg me to back out with him. But...as soon as I'd agree to give things one last shot I'd suddenly stop hearing from him & then within the next few weeks I'd find out that he had yet another girlfriend. :barf: SO, he's really jerked me around a lot the past few years. It seems pretty clear that he's obviously not serious or interested in wanting to reconcile with me. However, anytime I go more than a few weeks of total no contact with him he starts calling me and texting me like crazy. He says that it makes him feel so anxious when he doesn't hear from me. He tells me please don't date anyone else & seems all annoyed if/when I've told him that I'm dating someone else. He's even said that when he's ready to get married someday, I'm the one he wants to marry (although his actions sure as hell don't show that when he hasn't even wanted to be my boyfriend again for the past 3 years now). When he can't talk to me he acts like he actually cares about not wanting to "lose" me forever. But...whenever I do give in and talk to him nothing EVER changes. He's still clearly not serious about wanting to reconcile & be with me again, etc.

 

I've told him before that I want all or nothing. Like we're either together and both serious about trying to make things work for the long haul OR we're out of each others lives completely with zero contact. However, he has never respected my wishes about that. To further complicate things, I started borrowing money from him a year ago. At first, it was supposed to be just a one time thing but then it turned into several different times. He's now given me a couple thousand dollars over this past year. (I borrowed the money because I was going through a really rough time financially). He told me several times that if and when we got back together that I wouldn't have to pay him any of that money back. I tried to give him a large payment (well large for me) last spring in the amount of $300.00. He insisted on giving the money back to me. He said don't worry about it for now. I know you can't afford it, etc. You can pay me back later if/when you have the money.

 

Since then, he's basically kept saying the same thing. However, there's been a few times where I stopped talking to him for an extended period of time. When he couldn't get a hold of me, he got really angry and left me a message telling me I better call him back or he's going to call his f****g lawyer about the money I owe him, etc. I wasn't too worried really when he said that because we don't have any sort of written contract. That was the only time he ever said anything like that, but it still really upset me. It made me feel trapped. He doesn't want to commit to being with me yet when I try & do the logical thing and move on, he used the money as a way to basically manipulate me into staying in touch with me. He told me recently not worry about the money (regardless of whether or not we ever go back out). However, when I thanked him & asked him to please put that in writing for me he refused to do this. That really upset me because since he won't put it in writing, I think he wants to be able to use that as a way to "force" me to continue staying his friend.

 

I just don't know what to think/do about the money because he's changed his mind so many times about whether I do or don't owe the money someday. I wish I could just write him out a check for the total amount he gave me & be done with it but unfortunately I just don't have enough money to be able to do that. I tried to get him to do some sort of settlement offer but he refuses to do that. While it originally seemed so nice that he offered to help me with money, it ended up being a really bad thing because like I said I feel like he uses it as a way to manipulate me into staying his friend. I don't want to continue our phone only friendship. I don't want anymore money from him. Since he apparently does not want to reconcile with me then I just want him out of my life completely so I can find someone new that would love to be with me.

 

Any advice on all of this would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

[elbe]

This guy has strung you along for 6 years?! He is never going to marry you. He's clearly doing the same thing with multiple women. I'm sorry that he's manipulated you but cut this dude off!!!