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Obligation

Cinnimon

By Cinnimon
in The Other Man / Woman

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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I was told by my xmm that he must stay with his w because he feels obligated to do so morally and spiritually. Apparently this moral and spiritual obligation doesn't include cheating. He told me that he has no romantic feelings toward his wife but he does feel an obligation to stay. I ask him if his wife knows that he is with her because he feels obligated and he said no, it would devastate her. Personally I think I would feel more devastated to know that a man is with me because he feels like he is stuck.

 

Any opinions on this.

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yellowmaverick Established Member

yellowmaverick

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I was told by my xmm that he must stay with his w because he feels obligated to do so morally and spiritually. Apparently this moral and spiritual obligation doesn't include cheating. He told me that he has no romantic feelings toward his wife but he does feel an obligation to stay. I ask him if his wife knows that he is with her because he feels obligated and he said no, it would devastate her. Personally I think I would feel more devastated to know that a man is with me because he feels like he is stuck.

 

Any opinions on this.

 

Your first instincts are right. A MM whose moral code doesn't include honesty and fidelity most certainly doesn't include a moral obligation to stay. Also, there are hundreds of BS who can tell you how the WS begs, grovels, and cries to stay when we show them the door.

 

The truth is that he is a cake-eater and he is letting you know that he has no intention of making you number one. You will have to decide if being a side piece is good enough for you.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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Your first instincts are right. A MM whose moral code doesn't include honesty and fidelity most certainly doesn't include a moral obligation to stay. Also, there are hundreds of BS who can tell you how the WS begs, grovels, and cries to stay when we show them the door.

 

The truth is that he is a cake-eater and he is letting you know that he has no intention of making you number one. You will have to decide if being a side piece is good enough for you.

 

YM, thank you. I decided that a while ago and walked away.

Unfortunately my mind still replays things once in a while.

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yellowmaverick Established Member

yellowmaverick

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YM, thank you. I decided that a while ago and walked away.

Unfortunately my mind still replays things once in a while.

 

As difficult as it is, don't let your mind go there. You need to keep reminding yourself of what an a** he is. Embrace the authentic life that you SHOULD have and CAN have.

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happy stillmore Established Member

happy stillmore

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Cinnamon,

Yes, my mind his there. A lot. My xMM said if he left, it would kill his wife. He then said I did make a promise to take care of her and our children. Now that I think about it, why didn't he think of those things BEFORE he professed his undying love for me. Why did he talk of our future plans? When it came to me making him make a choice, reality hit him hard and he got scared. It isn't obligation. It is fear that is keeping him there. I often wonder how he portrayed the ending of our affair to his wife. (She knew about us.) I imagine he said he chose her and couldn't hurt her anymore. In reality, it was me that ended it because I couldn't stand the way he was abiding by her rules anymore.

Edited by happy stillmore
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Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

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They are lying to you to get you into bed, and keep you on a string for as long as they can. They want a piece on the side and will future fake you for as long as you will buy into it.

 

Just from anecdotal evidence very few single OW's are willing to get involved with MM unless the MM tells them they have a future together. And men realize this and play that game to get what they want.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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They are lying to you to get you into bed, and keep you on a string for as long as they can. They want a piece on the side and will future fake you for as long as you will buy into it.

 

Just from anecdotal evidence very few single OW's are willing to get involved with MM unless the MM tells them they have a future together. And men realize this and play that game to get what they want.

 

For the most part I do agree with this, however our A was strictly emotional as we were completely long distance, for 3 and a half years. Ours started and ended over the phone and computer, so his motivation was not sex but he was definitely getting something from it.

 

I've been told how redicules this is by many on here, but redicules as it may be , it still happened.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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Cinnamon,

Yes, my mind his there. A lot. My xMM said if he left, it would kill his wife. He then said I did make a promise to take care of her and our children. Now that I think about it, why didn't he think of those things BEFORE he professed his undying love for me. Why did he talk of our future plans? When it came to me making him make a choice, reality hit him hard and he got scared. It isn't obligation. It is fear that is keeping him there. I often wonder how he portrayed the ending of our affair to his wife. (She knew about us.) I imagine he said he chose her and couldn't hurt her anymore. In reality, it was me that ended it because I couldn't stand the way he was abiding by her rules anymore.

 

I'm sure that he said whatever he needed to not put himself in a bad light (well anymore than the obvious.

I know for a fact that my xmm would have stayed in it with me forever if I wouldn't have waked away. He was caught twice, still came back. He still wants to, it is me that refuses.

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Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

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For the most part I do agree with this, however our A was strictly emotional as we were completely long distance, for 3 and a half years. Ours started and ended over the phone and computer, so his motivation was not sex but he was definitely getting something from it.

 

I've been told how redicules this is by many on here, but redicules as it may be , it still happened.

 

He was seeking companionship, not sex in this case. You met a need of his. I think the emotional side is far more important than most people would like to admit. The emotional side is the cake and the sex is the icing.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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They do fear hurting the wife because they know what they're doing is wrong, but more importantly, they fear what leaving will do to their reputation. They don't want to be thought of badly by family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and most importantly, their kids. Things are not blissful at home but they are not so bad that it's worth leaving and risking all that. Not to mention, it's never guaranteed that he will be happy forever more with you (but it's nice to fantasize about). The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. And let's not even mention the comforts...those are not guaranteed with you either, like they are with the wife. Most men are not huge risk takers. Things would have to be absolutely HELLISH at home in order for him to leave for another woman, which most relationships are not. An affair is a nice little secret guilty pleasure and nothing more.

Edited by Popsicle
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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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They do fear hurting the wife because they know what they're doing is wrong, but more importantly, they fear what leaving will do to their reputation. They don't want to be thought of badly by family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and most importantly, their kids. Things are not blissful at home but they are not so bad that it's worth leaving and risking all that. Not to mention, it's never guaranteed that he will be happy forever more with you (but it's a nice fantasy). The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. And let's not even mention the comforts...those are not guaranteed with you either, like they are with the wife. Most men are not huge risk takers. Things would have to be absolutely HELLISH at home in order for him to leave for another woman, which most relationships are not. An affair is a nice little secret guilty pleasure and nothing more.

 

I do agree with all of this. I guess when it all comes down to it, it's nothing more than WIIFM.

 

What's In It For Me.

 

My answer :nothing

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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He was seeking companionship, not sex in this case. You met a need of his. I think the emotional side is far more important than most people would like to admit. The emotional side is the cake and the sex is the icing.

 

I don't understand why this is so hard to admit, but I find it suspicious that it is so hard to admit.

happy stillmore Established Member

happy stillmore

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I wonder at times if the BS know in their gut that the WS did truly love the AP but stayed in the marriage out of obligation. I imagine it would be painful. I know this is a hot topic as this thought triggers angry posts from many BS who choose to deny this happens. These BS want to believe the A was a shallow relationship based on sex. Not so in many cases. If the WS stays out of obligation, would the WS or BS resent this? The WS would be angry at themselves for not choosing what they really wanted. They know they are doing what is expected of them. They may even take their resentment out on the BS and/or children unintentionally. If the BS can sense the WS is staying out of obligation, I can not imagine that would be good for their self esteem. "WS is only with me because he has to be." Ugh.

 

I guess the WS will have to lie to himself and everyone in order to not hurt anyone IF he is there out of obligation. What a sad way to live a life. I wish everyone in the equation could be brave and just be open and honest with their feelings. Maybe relationships would end if they are meant to and no more lying to each other. Perhaps, affairs would be no longer if honesty existed. (I know. Statement of the obvious.)

 

When you think about it, isn't staying out of obligation just as bad as cheating? The WS is still lying to the BS. The BS may be thinking they are recinciliating but the WS's heart may not be completely into it. WS may just be there in body but not spirit. Big difference. I want my partner 100%.

Edited by happy stillmore
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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

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I don't understand why this is so hard to admit, but I find it suspicious that it is so hard to admit.

 

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean ?

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

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I don't understand why this is so hard to admit, but I find it suspicious that it is so hard to admit.

 

Ignorance? You don't marry your FWB, you marry someone you develop an emotional bond with. Technological advances over the past 20 years has made that emotional side much easier to blossom. And most people today still define an affair as having sex with someone other than your spouse, because until recently that has been the way it has always been defined. It is easy to say, "We're just friends" because that is such a nebulous term that it shields people from guilt.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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I wonder at times if the BS know in their gut that the WS did truly love the AP but stayed in the marriage out of obligation. I imagine it would be painful. I know this is a hot topic as this thought triggers angry posts from many BS who choose to deny this happens. These BS want to believe the A was a shallow relationship based on sex. Not so in many cases. If the WS stays out of obligation, would the WS or BS resent this? The WS would be angry at themselves for not choosing what they really wanted. They know they are doing what is expected of them. They may even take their resentment out on the BS and/or children unintentionally. If the BS can sense the WS is staying out of obligation, I can not imagine that would be good for their self esteem. "WS is only with me because he has to be." Ugh.

 

I guess the WS will have to lie to himself and everyone in order to not hurt anyone IF he is there out of obligation. What a sad way to live a life. I wish everyone in the equation could be brave and just be open and honest with their feelings. Maybe relationships would end if they are meant to and no more lying to each other. Perhaps, affairs would be no longer if honesty existed. (I know. Statement of the obvious.)

 

When you think about it, isn't staying out of obligation just as bad as cheating? The WS is still lying to the BS. The BS may be thinking they are recinciliating but the WS's heart may not be completely into it. WS may just be there in body but not spirit. Big difference. I want my partner 100%.

 

A WH spouse loves neither woman. Both women sound sad and pathetic when they exclaim "He loves me more!" A cheater loves neither.

 

Ignorance? You don't marry your FWB, you marry someone you develop an emotional bond with. Technological advances over the past 20 years has made that emotional side much easier to blossom. And most people today still define an affair as having sex with someone other than your spouse, because until recently that has been the way it has always been defined. It is easy to say, "We're just friends" because that is such a nebulous term that it shields people from guilt.

 

Yes.

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happy stillmore Established Member

happy stillmore

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Got that right. WS loves himself most. It is sad that the WS lies to both, BS and AP.

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Baby123 Established Member

Baby123

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The BS in my situation took an overdose and had every man, his dog and her kids begging my AP to go back to her after he left her for me (I've seen it with my own eyes) and quite frankly I find it weird that she would want to force someone to be with her who doesn't love her. Even after a year of him being gone- I don't quite get it.

 

How could you desire someone who doesn't fancy you, doesn't love you and left for a woman half your age.

happy stillmore Established Member

happy stillmore

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Baby,

That is a sad situation. Sad indeed when people are not living the life they want. I don't get it. Isn't he resentful being manipulated this way? I'm thinking he doesn't love her but feels guilty for hurting BS like he did with the A. Probably feels like he owes it to her to stay.

 

I only wish my XMM and I were honest with everyone and ended our relationship before entering a relationship with each other. The problem is my xMM's personality is conflict-avoidant as is his wife. Big reason to why the A happened and he is still there.

yellowmaverick Established Member

yellowmaverick

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The BS in my situation took an overdose and had every man, his dog and her kids begging my AP to go back to her after he left her for me (I've seen it with my own eyes) and quite frankly I find it weird that she would want to force someone to be with her who doesn't love her. Even after a year of him being gone- I don't quite get it.

 

How could you desire someone who doesn't fancy you, doesn't love you and left for a woman half your age.[/quote

 

The BS could not force him to stay, just as she could not force him not to cheat. He stayed because he wanted to. Why are you still hanging on this excuse a year later? Let go and move on. Find someone who truly wants to be with you and just you.

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Speakingofwhich Established Member

Speakingofwhich

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The BS could not force him to stay, just as she could not force him not to cheat. He stayed because he wanted to. Why are you still hanging on this excuse a year later? Let go and move on. Find someone who truly wants to be with you and just you.

 

If I remember correctly he didn't stay. He left to be with Baby.

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Mcle Member

Mcle

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I agree with the above. WH do not love either woman. Think about it, if you "fell in love" with someone else while married, you would get a divorce before pursuing that person.

 

That would be the only way to show care and concern for both the wife and the other woman. Making the object of your "love" into a secret side piece is sad and degrading. The betrayal of the wife is also sad and degrading. If you truly love someone you try to look out for their best interests as much as you can.

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Artie Lang Established Member

Artie Lang

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this douchebag is dancing in his own bullsh*t..... doing the tango, even.

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hopewild Member

hopewild

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It's not that they don't love either woman. It's that they love themselves more. It's that they invest in their own pleasure and interests first.

 

Yes, love is supposed to be selfless and sacrificial. But it isn't always...and some simply don't (or won't) have the capacity for whatever reason.

waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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This is so odd. Most, the vast majority, of the people I know, are on second or third marriages/relationships. I went to a 50th birthday party last night and two people that I knew there were newly out of LTRs. They sad maybe but not enough to stop them having a good time, the world hadn't ended, the sun still shone. Divorces happen, relationships end, things change. If someone wants to leave a marriage enough they will. Doesn't obligation just means 'too much effort and I can't be bothered', or alternatively 'I don't want to'?

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