Graduate Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Imagine the following scenario: You meet someone, ask them out on a date, she accepts, you go out and ask her out again, you have daily contact with each other (80% initiated by you) and go on dates every week, which you initiate but she suggests things you could do in the future. On the dates there is lots of laughing, conversation flows easily and you both flirt with each other. After a month, you don't contact her again and neither does she. After a week or so you get a message from her saying: 'Hi, how are you?' What would you think? ********************** I am the girl, so can't say why he stopped contacting me and how he really felt, though up until the last day he said he really liked me and is always looking forward to seeing me. Part of me is wondering if he stopped contacting me because I did not take enough of an initiative to make my interest clear. And I am therefore considering sending him a message. The other part says I am just fooling myself and if he was still interested on some level he would have stayed in touch. Oh, and before someone asks, we have not had sex, but kissed and held hands since the third date. The making out seemed to get steamier too, and I always reacted positively to his advances and also initiated kissing and handholding myself. We are both in our 30ies. Now if you were the guy in the scenario, how would you feel and react if you got a message after a week when you had been in daily contact before that for a month? Thanks a lot for your answers!
RedRobin Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Thank you for the explanation. Given what you've shared here, I'd say you've shown plenty of interest. If a guy just 'poofed' after what you shared above, personally, I'd write him off and not accept any future communication from him whatsoever. 1
BikerAccnt Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 After a month of dating and constant communication? ( I can't imagine talking to someone every day after just a month of dating but, that's me) I'd wonder what happened to them. Of course, I'd then try to follow up with them. It sounds a bit as if you were both playing the "let's see if they are really interested in me game". Honestly, I'd be a bit put off by just a "hi, how are you email." after a month or so of no contact. If I'm in contact with someone that often, and it's come to be expected that we'd communicate, I'd really like an explanation as to why the communication just stopped. in this case though, even though I may want to know, I'd probably just ignore the message. 1
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 pump and dump Really just ignore them. If they didn't communicate with you for a long time then you return the favor and never communicate with them.
planb1973 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 As a man and seeming it being my job to do most of the initiating after a while I question the interest level of the other person. He very well may be thinking how interested in him you are. I say send the text, or better yet call. He could also have been hit with some personal or family issues that have him not wanting to talk. After dating a woman for a month I lost a good friend and just wanted to be alone and did not call her for over a week, when I did she was thrilled and thought I had lost interest.
Mr Scorpio Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I would feel like I was the second (or third, fourth, or fifth) option and you were contacting me to be your consolation prize after the other guys "fell-through". 1
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 It's almost as though neither of you took it that seriously. A month of no contact is a very long time IMO for a dating couple. Why did it take so long? Were you hoping he would ask you out for once? 1
Author Graduate Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 It's almost as though neither of you took it that seriously. A month of no contact is a very long time IMO for a dating couple. Why did it take so long? Were you hoping he would ask you out for once? Just to clarify, the 'silence' has been one week. We dated for a month and then he no longer contacted me. It's been 7 days.
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Just to clarify, the 'silence' has been one week. We dated for a month and then he no longer contacted me. It's been 7 days. Ah, I'm sorry I misread. I personally hate the "Hi, how are you?" Text. It makes me wonder what they really want to ask.. like clearly that's not what you really want to know how they are doing... at least that's not their first concern. I get really turned off when a girl stops texting me. I almost immediately think there is another guy who filled in the gap that week. With that said, it's certainly not too late to reinitiate this gig. Just try to stay closer next time if that is your intention.
Mr Scorpio Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Just to clarify, the 'silence' has been one week. We dated for a month and then he no longer contacted me. It's been 7 days. Unless I misunderstood, you indicated that he was initiating 80% of the contact and he was initiating the dates. If I were doing that for a month and the woman never showed enough initiative to contact me for a change, I'd assume she wasn't that into me. Rather than throw a fit, I'd stop contacting her and see what happens. 1
Author Graduate Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 Unless I misunderstood, you indicated that he was initiating 80% of the contact and he was initiating the dates. If I were doing that for a month and the woman never showed enough initiative to contact me for a change, I'd assume she wasn't that into me. Rather than throw a fit, I'd stop contacting her and see what happens. True, so how would you react if she contacted you after a week of you ignoring her? And just to clarify, I thought I showed interest by always accepting enthusiastically if he asked me out, by talking about things we could do in the future, by saying 'I look forward to seeing you again soon' etc. I guess I've just heard too much about women being clingy or needy so I try not to come on too strong in the beginning and let the guy 'choose me'. Now I think that I might have been playing it too cool, but I could also be lying to myself in order to feel like he did not loose interest and potentially pick someone else over me.
Mr Scorpio Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 True, so how would you react if she contacted you after a week of you ignoring her? I'd play it cool.
SJC2008 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 How many dates? Who paid? Did you offer? I say you showed enough interest if you were dating a ***truly*** confident man but for most eveyday joes, including me, I'd think I was back burner guy due to you initiating almost no contact. TBS this is just a possibility. He may have lost interest or met someone else.
Donnie Darko Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 When I'm interested in a girl, I find a way to keep in communication and I've had to travel all over the world for work and I still manage to keep in communication if I want to. I've also used work and travel as an excuse when I did not feel very interested in a relationship with a girl and just saw her as a pump and dump. Technology is funny too. I've received texts days or weeks after the person originally sent them. He could have sent you a text that was never delivered and then thought you blew him....off. Try picking up the phone and calling him. I had a fling with a girl that didn't return my call after a few dates so I deleted her number and then a week later she called and asked me out and we had a great time. I decided a long time ago that I would not seriously date a girl that plays game non-stop with dating. If they played games, then I just played games harder with them but then actually went out with other women that didn't play games. Sometimes when women play it so coy or so cool it becomes unattractive especially when you are dating other women and they aren't playing those types of games with you.
MalachiX Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 If he was initiating most of the texts and dates then he may have gotten the impression that you weren't that into him. I thought I showed interest by always accepting enthusiastically if he asked me out, by talking about things we could do in the future, by saying 'I look forward to seeing you again soon' etc. Different guys approach the dating game differently. Personally, I understand that custom dictates that the man take the initiative and do chasing. However, after a few dates I start to wonder if I'm still the one who initiates most contact. It's important that I know the girl likes talking to me and enjoys my company. Nobody wants to be the guy who can't take a hint or the guy who's being kept on the back burner as an option. I think a number of us in our late 20s to early 30s, have dated a lot and, as a result, have been burned a number of times. It may not be fair but it's easy to want to jump ship when you start to feel that you might get hurt because you're more invested in this than the other person. Now I think that I might have been playing it too cool, but I could also be lying to myself in order to feel like he did not loose interest and potentially pick someone else over me. Playing things cool my save you some heart ache but you also might miss out on a real connection now and then. If you want to keep in touch with a guy then it's cool to initiate contact. That doesn't mean you have to talk to him every waking minute but it's OK to let someone know you like them. As for him picking someone else; that's possible. The problem is that it's hard for you to tell if you were trying to play it cool by letting him do all the work. Once again, maybe he thought you weren't that interested so he found someone else. OR...maybe he's trying to keep some distance because he's worried that he might seem clingy and is going to scare you off. Once again, this is the problem with playing things cool. 1
filani Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 If he was initiating most of the texts and dates then he may have gotten the impression that you weren't that into him. Different guys approach the dating game differently. Personally, I understand that custom dictates that the man take the initiative and do chasing. However, after a few dates I start to wonder if I'm still the one who initiates most contact. It's important that I know the girl likes talking to me and enjoys my company. Nobody wants to be the guy who can't take a hint or the guy who's being kept on the back burner as an option. I think a number of us in our late 20s to early 30s, have dated a lot and, as a result, have been burned a number of times. It may not be fair but it's easy to want to jump ship when you start to feel that you might get hurt because you're more invested in this than the other person. Playing things cool my save you some heart ache but you also might miss out on a real connection now and then. If you want to keep in touch with a guy then it's cool to initiate contact. That doesn't mean you have to talk to him every waking minute but it's OK to let someone know you like them. As for him picking someone else; that's possible. The problem is that it's hard for you to tell if you were trying to play it cool by letting him do all the work. Once again, maybe he thought you weren't that interested so he found someone else. OR...maybe he's trying to keep some distance because he's worried that he might seem clingy and is going to scare you off. Once again, this is the problem with playing things cool. @ Graduate Malachi hit the nail on the head, still amazes me that there are women out there who think 'enthusiastically accepting to go on a date BY ITSELF , is a sure fire way to show interest to a guy! The kids who came to my place last Halloween Trick or Treating were 'very enthusiastic' about taking candy from me. Does that mean I'm their new best friend?....No, it just means they were really happy to get Free Candy! So when you come on here and tell us that you've 'enthusiastically' accepted dates from him FOR A WHOLE MONTH !!! Then you come off looking like the piece of work in the link below Meet the woman who?s dating her way into meals at top Toronto restaurants | torontolife.com A guy would have to be seriously clueless to leave himself vulnerable to girls like the one in the article. In direct answer to your question just as Malachi said I would feel like the fallback guy if a girl did that to me and I would believe she was just playing Mind Games. In order for her to reverse that impression she would have to 1) VOICE CALL ME No FaceBook, Whatsapp etc messages!!! There is something about someone who cares enough about you to voice call you rather than just firing off a text or instant message. 2) INITAITE DATES If you don't care enough about me to initiate a date with me (especially after I've initiated 2 dates,3 dates max!) then it's very hard to believe you're really into me! P.S Paying for the date gets you major points and sets you apart from the FreeLoaders!!! 3) GET INTO ME ! It only makes sense that if liked me you would want to know more about me. I'm not asking you to interrogate me or anything like that but a certain level of interest in who I am AS A PERSON is always encouraging. Telling me a bit about yourself gives me a window into who you are as well 4) PUSH FOR THE NEXT DATE Nothing tells a guy you're into him more than a woman who initiates the next date after the last one. The message is even clearer if she seals the date with a kiss or at the very least a lingering kiss on the cheek with a BIG hug. A girls who keeps making me guess,chase is a waste of time, I just push the Next button on her! 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 No point. Unless you majorly screwed someyhing up, he would be contacting you. No contact= no interest 2
Mascara Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I don't know of any guy who was really into me who would be prepared to let me go forever on the basis of "I just want to see if she'll initiate". I also don't know of any situation where the guy has faded out, the girl has reached out and it's all been fine. He knows what he's supposed to do. But give it a go if you feel you have nothing to lose and let us know how it works out. 1
mickleb Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 You originally asked how to stop yourself from falling for guys within the space of 4 weeks. Starting new threads about how to rekindle a relationship with a guy who ignores you is not a great strategy for success. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 It just makes me sad how people grasp at the the straws here. If someone looks like he doesn't care it's simply because he genuinly, truly doesn't care. It would simplify your life a lot if you just accepted that.
Author Graduate Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Thanks to the guys who posted their point of view, it was very interesting to read what a man might be thinking. I spent time with my male best friend today and he told me that I often come across as aloof or just looking for friendship and that a guy might not know if I am interested in him. He thinks I might be playing it too cool sometime. He also told me about how he sometimes disappeared on women in the past, simply because he felt they were not initiating enough or asking him out enough. I asked him if he ever told them what he wanted and he said 'No, she should know that without me having to say that.' I thought that was funny because they always say that women expect men to read their minds, but apparently men feel the same way. Anyway, he figures I had nothing to lose if I sent the last guy a short text asking him if he wanted to get together again. Since he has not actually ignored any of my messages (I have not contacted him since our last interaction) after a month of dating there is nothing clingy or needy about sending a guy a message asking him out. He also thinks the guy is no jerk (which I agree with) because he has not contacted me, he would only turn into a jerk if I tried to contact him and he ignored me. Either way, I've decided to let this one go. I'll make sure that I show more interest with the next guy, but I think this one has become too complicated. Thanks again to all the ones who posted kind and helpful advice.
MalachiX Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I thought that was funny because they always say that women expect men to read their minds, but apparently men feel the same way. They're initiating contact because they like you. You're avoiding initiating contact even though you like them. Sounds like you're expecting them to read your mind more than the other way around. We're in the year 2013 and gender roles feel increasingly antiquated to me (especially given the growing trans community). I treat the people I date the way I'd like to be treated. If I like someone I talk to them. I expect someone who likes me to do the same. Once again, I get that men are still expected to initiate at first, but after several dates I don't see the point in continuing to "chase" someone is. I certainly don't want to end up in a serious relationship with someone who I'm not sure really likes me and may just be there because I wore them down. Either way, I've decided to let this one go. I'll make sure that I show more interest with the next guy, but I think this one has become too complicated. Can I offer one more piece of advice? I promise I don't mean this to sound combative or anti-feminist: I see so many women on these boards railing about how hard it is to find a good guy. I see so many who say they want someone nice but who is also assertive. You had a guy who you seemed to like and he put himself out there over and over again. Then, when he starts to cool and you sense it MIGHT be because you weren't receptive enough, you decide just to drop it rather than just send a simple text. This is kind of what's wrong with gender expectations. A guy essentially has to put himself out there and risk rejection over and over again during the dating process. That's not always easy. If you're not willing to put yourself out there with a simple text because things are "complicated" how do you ever expect to find a decent guy?
Author Graduate Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Can I offer one more piece of advice? If you're not willing to put yourself out there with a simple text because things are "complicated" how do you ever expect to find a decent guy? Hi Malachi, thanks for your post. To answer your question, the problem is that I don't have his number anymore and it's been over a week since either one has contacted the other. If the guys are right, he might have cooled because I was not showing enough initiative. If some of the ladies are right, he simply lost interest, mostly because I am a pathetic loser and stage 5 clinger. Either way, I don't feel like a facebook message after over a week of silence would go over that well. If he was upset because I did not contact him earlier, he might think it is too late, if he lost interest or thought I was clingy, a facebook message is not going to improve things. Do you understand why I think it might be past the point of resolution?
Emilia Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Either way, I don't feel like a facebook message after over a week of silence would go over that well. If he was upset because I did not contact him earlier, he might think it is too late, if he lost interest or thought I was clingy, a facebook message is not going to improve things. Do you understand why I think it might be past the point of resolution? You are in your 30s, not sure why you are referring to yourself as a 'girl' in your original post. I don't understand why grown women do this. Dating someone is a mutual process: you are trying to work out whether the two of you are compatible and he is trying to do the same. Having the confidence to be assertive and outgoing scores huge brownie points with guys. It shows that you are capable of adequately assessing where the two of you are at and that you are confident enough to know that he wants you. It's hot. Sitting back, letting him take the lead constantly, giving him all the power, not initiating, just letting him do all the driving is boring. Most girls do this and it's boring. This is why guys stop after a month or so. They get bored of seeing yet another woman who will not provide all that much excitement, not more than 80% of rest of the female population would.
Recommended Posts