helloworldguy Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Not too long ago, i posted on here about my girlfriend saying she wants to wait till marriage before sex. We're not very religious so a lot of people questioned her reasons as did i after her explanation of it. Out of our conversation on the topic the main point seemed to be that she didnt want to do it with anyone but someone special meaning marriage. but there were also other reasons she threw in there such as horror story of her friends first time's, being scared of pregnancy, sex complicating things, wanting an Innocent relationship which suggest to me she thinks sex is dirty? And waiting for marriage being something her mom just told her alot and something she would want to follow. I wondered if her wanting to wait is just mainly do to fears but i felt if i asked why she wanted to wait, i would be pressuring her which i dont want her to feel.We are both virgins but sex is something i would want in a marriage. Im just questioning if sex is something shes really looking forward to and engaging in, or something she would do out of obligation, or maybe something she would like to do and like others "wouldnt be in the mood for", bassicly low drive or interst. But how do i ask her this and how do i ask. I do want to wait for her but ive read alot of people on here that say that a bad idea becuase some people arnt "compatible". what does "compatible" mean? and how is "bad" sex bad? is lack of communication or emotions or what? I dont have experience in this category at all and would just like some help from people who have been there and done that. Also im afraid she would just tell me what i want to hear so is there anything i can lookout for that can be an indicator of her sexuality. I never really thought about it until now that the topic came up.
Andy_K Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Okay, how to explain bad sex to a virgin... You're really REALLY hungry and you're thinking about how you could murder a burger or a pizza. Someone offers you a salad. Sure, it might fill you up. But it'll never satisfy that craving. There is not a snowball's chance in hell I would ever consider marriage before sex, let alone with a virgin too, so I'm not going to attempt to offer you advice on that subject, other than to say it is a big risk to let your feelings for this girl drive you into a potentially unhappy match for the rest of your life. 1
Eggplant Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 She doesn't know the answers herself because she has no experience. 1
salparadise Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 But how do i ask her this and how do i ask. I do want to wait for her but ive read alot of people on here that say that a bad idea becuase some people arnt "compatible". what does "compatible" mean? [...] so is there anything i can lookout for that can be an indicator of her sexuality? I do think it's a good idea to get her talking about sex. One way to broach the subject is to simply say, "I feel that we should talk about sexuality." That may be a good way to open the gate without startling her. If she can't even talk about sex, well, that would be an indication that she has mental/emotional barriers. What is compatibility? It's one of those all encompassing terms that can include almost anything, but I'll try to give you a few examples. 1. Frequency. One partner is horny all the time and wishes s/he could have sex every day. The other partner has low sex drive and only wants it once a month... and doesn't want to be bothered otherwise. 2. Openness to variation. One partner has a vivid imagination and wants sex to be spontaneous and a bit on the wild side. The other has mental barriers and only wants to do it in bed with the lights off, missionary only, no oral, etc. 3. Fetishes. People consider different things erotic. I won't go into the full range but one common dimension is dominance vs. submission. This common in bdsm, but usually exists independently of that context. Some people love giving up control–– being told what to do, being used for the other's pleasure as s/he see fit (within the couple's boundaries). Others like to be the one who controls everything. So if a couple are strongly predisposed toward dom/sub roles, they must be opposites for it to work. There are also people who desire to engage in both roles. They are called "switches." In that case both would need to be switches, but most likely one will be more dominant by nature and the other more submissive. 4. Rough or gentle. Sex can transpire as animalistic, very physical activity, or very gently with lots of kissing and words of affection. If one needs it one way and the other only wants it the opposite way... these are all compatibility issues. A couple could love and respect each other deeply and still have these kinds of issues to contend with. Mature adults who know themselves will often give subtle clues or simply be able to read each other. Preferences often evolve over time. Most mature adults would not consider marrying someone without having determined that they are sexually compatible. Based on what you've said, you may need someone who is motivated and open sexually. If she can't even stand to talk about it, or if she considers sex to be repulsive (as was mentioned in the other thread), then she may be significantly repressing her sexuality. Whether or not that will change in time is unknown. One major difference that I've seen is a physiological response (or absence thereof) to stimuli such as passionate kissing and touching. Sometimes her breathing will change markedly and pulse rate will increase when she is aroused, and she will respond by reciprocating, pulling you close and indicating that she finds it quite pleasurable. If kissing and touching, massaging breasts and stimulating nipples, does not result in any physiological response then chances are that she is either not very sexual or that her sexuality is repressed. But yea, talking about sexuality is a good place to start. Hope this is helpful.
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Just find someone else. Trust me it will save you a lot of wasted time.
BikerAccnt Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 A couple could love and respect each other deeply and still have these kinds of issues to contend with. Mature adults who know themselves will often give subtle clues or simply be able to read each other. Preferences often evolve over time. Most mature adults would not consider marrying someone without having determined that they are sexually compatible. . What you've said here is true, however, sexual compatibility changes as we age. What once was ok, no longer is, etc. Mature adults still find themselves in relationships where they are no longer compatible. Also, looking at the numbers of divorces today, using sexual compatibility as a reason for or against marriage, doesn't seem to be doing the numbers any favors. Worldguy, if she really wants to wait until marriage, and is serious about it, you have to decide if you want to marry her or not. It's really that simple. In a way, if you do, she'll be sure the relationship isn't about sex.
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I say leave her. She wants to control the dynamic of the relationship meaning she wants you to be more emotionally invested in the relationship than her. That right there spells trouble.
salparadise Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Just find someone else. Trust me it will save you a lot of wasted time. I say leave her. She wants to control the dynamic of the relationship meaning she wants you to be more emotionally invested in the relationship than her. That right there spells trouble. I say cut the judgmental crap and try to give this young man some of the help he's asking for. You don't know him or his girlfriend, and you have no standing to draw conclusions or make decisions for him. He's just trying to gather information and get oriented toward the whole issue. 2
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I say cut the judgmental crap and try to give this young man some of the help he's asking for. You don't know him or his girlfriend, and you have no standing to draw conclusions or make decisions for him. He's just trying to gather information and get oriented toward the whole issue. I gave him help. I told him to find someone else. Why waste time with someone that is not willing give you what you want if you are satisfying their needs?
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 If you are living together and are in a long term relationship where you are both happy with one another a little experimentation should be expected. You aren't pressuring her by asking her the reasons to wait for marriage. *** JUST REMEMBER *** If you have sex with her and then break up she may hate you for the rest of her life. Just saying.
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 If you are living together and are in a long term relationship where you are both happy with one another a little experimentation should be expected. You aren't pressuring her by asking her the reasons to wait for marriage. *** JUST REMEMBER *** If you have sex with her and then break up she may hate you for the rest of her life. Just saying. If it's over then hate isn't a problem. that is something she has to deal with not him
veggirl Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 How old are you guys? How long have you been together? Is she "everything but" girl, or not sexual at ALL? Have either of your had an LTR before? You guys sound young and inexperienced and....Im guessing it's way too soon to be worried about marriage.
RedRobin Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Whether you wait until marriage or not is something I'll leave off the table for now... What I WILL say is that everyone who wants a mutually satisfying relationship that includes sex, owes it to themselves to learn how to communicate about sex outside of the bedroom... and ideally (for me at least) after you've established an environment of trust where you are safe sharing these things.
Author helloworldguy Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 To anwser the questions 1. Shes 21 im 20 2.We have been together 5 months. Grew Up together though 3.Going to ask her but so far only kisses and hugging(innocent as she refers to it) 4.Not really Yea were both young and inexpirienced at this, this is why im asking for help. One thing i think is not helping is the fact is that we grew up together so she might still look at me as a friend or in a more childish way? So far everything is great and she's a great girl but before i go the distance (known her forever already) i want to know what im getting into even though i already think i am. Im seeing on here that i should just end it because of it and im not sure its something i want to do, as i wouldnt want a girl to give it up too early in a relationship anyways. But then again ive always been wise to take advice from people that better know the topic and so far its always worked out so im not sure. I know sex is a big issue in a relationship but does it have to be end it if your not getting it type deal? I dont even know i wont be getting it so its hard to just end it like that. Another question, if a person doesnt have a drive for it, can that change or is that just who they are? Thank you all for your help, i am taking it into consideration
Donnie Darko Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 +1 for breaking up with her. She is not special and she is worth waiting for. Staying with her and marrying her would likely be a lifetime of unhappiness because you are two sexually incompatible people. If you do stay with her,then you need to be more aggressive and escalate getting sexual with her.
Author helloworldguy Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 Well we dont know were incompatible since we never tried it. Guess its just one of those leap of faith things then.
spiderowl Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 How about asking her if a sexual relationship is something she would look forward to within a marriage? I think if she's very hesitant or dismissive, then either she is afraid or doesn't like the idea. In a way, you've had kind of a friends relationship up until now and you are wondering how to cross into the world of adults and at least talk about a sexual relationship. It's a step forward on an emotional level for her, even if you both don't take it further physically until you are married.
Author helloworldguy Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 yea im just going to ask her about it. Guess its time to grow up and be mature. Im sure the fact that we grew up together and were always friends contributes to the fact that this is more of a sensitive topic then it should be. Im going to ask her later tonight, so i might be back on these forums asking fro help interpreting what she said haha.
Author helloworldguy Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 So i talked to her about it tonight. She said she is in fact very much looking foward to sex in a marriage but she the way she was brought up just makes waiting a standard, her family is very religious even though shes not too religious. and on my side i have no problem waiting. Luckily im young so if by any chance this doesnt work out it wont be too late to start looking again. Although im not sure of how to know if she actually meant it or was just telling me what i want to hear.
RedRobin Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 So i talked to her about it tonight. She said she is in fact very much looking foward to sex in a marriage but she the way she was brought up just makes waiting a standard, her family is very religious even though shes not too religious. and on my side i have no problem waiting. Luckily im young so if by any chance this doesnt work out it wont be too late to start looking again. Although im not sure of how to know if she actually meant it or was just telling me what i want to hear. If you spend some time on the site here, you'll see there are people much older than you two who also want to wait until marriage... and who aren't religious. It's more about the emotional connection and commitment you want to have prior to sex. Some people believe that is only demonstrated by marriage. Others don't need to wait until marriage, but still want that emotional bond and demonstration of at least a willingness to enter into that kind of commitment with someone. What I've learned in my years is that what passes as 'sex drive' early on has no real relationship whatsoever to the quality and quantity of sex you have later on. There is plenty you can learn about your sexual compatibility by just talking... and then taking things slowly with physical intimacy so that you BOTH feel comfortable knowing that BOTH of your needs are met. I mean, doesn't she have any concerns that the man she marries might not be well matched for her too? Say she finds the guy who has no problems waiting.... and it turns out HE doesn't like sex!! Anyway, I seriously doubt she is just saying what you want to hear. Telling a guy she needs to wait until marriage is very rarely what a guy wants to hear.
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 This is really about beliefs, mores and values. Do you two share the same beliefs, mores and values in regards to love, marriage, home, family, children, sexuality, romance etc etc etc? Do you share the same religious beliefs on sexuality, abstinence, virginity etc?? If the answer is yes, then you have a foundation for things to progress and it's not unreasonable or unrealistic for you two to be discussing your future. If the answer is no, then you have just cause to step back and do some more serious reevaluating your future together. Dating is an interview and tryout process to determine if the other person is a compatable match for you or not. It's to get to know the other person and get to know each other beliefs and values and their general life-goals to see if they are compatable with your's or not. As long as all the indicators and signs are all green lights then you can keep on keeping on. If some redflags and roadblocks start popping up, then it's time to stop and reevaluate and if there are things involving basic core values that are incompatible then a compassionate and respectful end of the dating process is appropriate.
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 so what you need to ask yourself is do you two really share the same core values and beliefs on love, marriage, commitment, sexuality etc etc. Or is this some gal that caught your eye and you were wanting to spend some time with and get to know, and now that you are getting to know her core values, are they something that are not inline with your's???? If she has a strong belief in no sex before marriage and you do not. That is a pretty fundamental difference and is a pretty big uh-oh moment. You can not try to "convince" her or use logical arguments to try to convince her that you should try to have sex before marriage because beliefs and values are not based on logic. Nor should she try to convince or logically argue why you shouldn't want to have sex before marriage because horniness and sex drive are the least rational things on the planet. You two either share common beliefs and values or you do not and if you do not then you probably should not be discussing marriage.
Author helloworldguy Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 thanks red robin, what you said makes alot of sense and in fact i will ask her if it was something she was worried about or not thinking about. and for the other poster yes we share alot of the same values and morals. The sex thing i really didnt have an opinion on as my parents didnt really say much on the topic nor was it ever something i had to think about. Even though im 20, i work and go to school and still live with my parents. School has been a major 'distractor' i guess so i was never even really in a relationship, all this is new to me and i just want to do things right. but again, thanks all for the help
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