Mz_sassy_77 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 The person who BU with me seems like a totally different person then the one that I knew and loved. I can't believe that for 3 years he was "acting" or pretending to be something he isnt. Things like how desperate he is to find another woman. And it's like he BU with me and gave me certain reasons and then a lot of these women have the same characteristics as me which is why he says he BU with me in the first place. And he just seems so sleazy. I am not actively out trying to find someone else but I am good with that. I am happy for the first time in a long time, just on my own doing my thing. But he's out trying to pick up anything that moves. I know he is single and entitled to but with me I always sort of thought he had respect for women. He never came across like that with me. With these women he just comes across as such a sleeze. He also seems cold and uncaring about things. He was never like that. Before we BU i would say he was a caring person. But now I look at him and think did I even know you at all. For example he BU with me but when he talks to other people about it it's like he's angry. Like i did something to hurt him. Like I deserved the way he behaved in some way. And I just don't understand that. And it didn't end on a really nasty note. I mean we BU, then I said some things but nothing really hurtful. Then we left it as when I am ready I will contact him and we can be friends - that was over 4 months ago now and obviously I will never contact him again. But I thought that was an ok way to leave it. And now this. We are both on FB but not friends and all of a sudden he starts making certain posts that would normally be private public for all to see. Is he playing games? I mean why would you only make certain things public when usually that would be something you would just want your friends to see. I don't want him back but I still try to make some sense out of what happened and how he can just be so different to the person i once knew and loved. 3
2fargone Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Looks to me like you're a bit stuck. Saying you don't want him back doesn't make you thinking about his actions less 'still being focussed on him'. I don't think people really change. On one hand, people we love or want, we tend to show them the good side. On the other, ones perception of someone we were in a relationship with will change once you're out of that relationship. Because then you get to look from the outside in. I like to look at a person as a whole. The good, the bad, it's a package deal. But yes, the package seems to go past the expiration date as the relationship does...
keepontruckin Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 The dumpers change, because they are now showing you their true colors... Let me clarify... They are now showing you how they treat strangers. With my wife, I always found it odd how she was so cold and removed when we would be dealing with the general public. At the time, though, it didn't really matter, since she was OK to me most of the time. When they decide to leave, you now become the stranger. It is their true colors showing. This is whom they are in their "real life." And with my wife, I'm sure she'll find some other sucker (they all do), but it is an important lesson to learn... How they deal with strangers is a perfect indicator of how they will deal with you when they decide to leave... 3
Author Mz_sassy_77 Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 I am stuck :-( Not stuck in wanting him back, but stuck in trying to make sense of it all. I shouldn't care about his actions now, I know that. I suppose I feel like a bit of an idiot about the whole thing and are embarrassed about the whole thing.
keepontruckin Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 It's going to be hard to accept, but you are dead to him. You do not exist.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 The person who BU with me seems like a totally different person then the one that I knew and loved. I can't believe that for 3 years he was "acting" or pretending to be something he isnt. Things like how desperate he is to find another woman. And it's like he BU with me and gave me certain reasons and then a lot of these women have the same characteristics as me which is why he says he BU with me in the first place. And he just seems so sleazy. I am not actively out trying to find someone else but I am good with that. I am happy for the first time in a long time, just on my own doing my thing. But he's out trying to pick up anything that moves. I know he is single and entitled to but with me I always sort of thought he had respect for women. He never came across like that with me. With these women he just comes across as such a sleeze. He also seems cold and uncaring about things. He was never like that. Before we BU i would say he was a caring person. But now I look at him and think did I even know you at all. For example he BU with me but when he talks to other people about it it's like he's angry. Like i did something to hurt him. Like I deserved the way he behaved in some way. And I just don't understand that. And it didn't end on a really nasty note. I mean we BU, then I said some things but nothing really hurtful. Then we left it as when I am ready I will contact him and we can be friends - that was over 4 months ago now and obviously I will never contact him again. But I thought that was an ok way to leave it. And now this. We are both on FB but not friends and all of a sudden he starts making certain posts that would normally be private public for all to see. Is he playing games? I mean why would you only make certain things public when usually that would be something you would just want your friends to see. I don't want him back but I still try to make some sense out of what happened and how he can just be so different to the person i once knew and loved. Why are you looking on his Facebook?!?! 1
Salvatore85 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 In my opinion dumpers are cold because they think of you as an inconvenience. They're ready to move on and meet someone new and you're messing up there plans by contacting them and trying to get them back. 1
nevergoodenough Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 The person who BU with me seems like a totally different person then the one that I knew and loved. I can't believe that for 3 years he was "acting" or pretending to be something he isnt. Things like how desperate he is to find another woman. And it's like he BU with me and gave me certain reasons and then a lot of these women have the same characteristics as me which is why he says he BU with me in the first place. And he just seems so sleazy. I am not actively out trying to find someone else but I am good with that. I am happy for the first time in a long time, just on my own doing my thing. But he's out trying to pick up anything that moves. I know he is single and entitled to but with me I always sort of thought he had respect for women. He never came across like that with me. With these women he just comes across as such a sleeze. He also seems cold and uncaring about things. He was never like that. Before we BU i would say he was a caring person. But now I look at him and think did I even know you at all. For example he BU with me but when he talks to other people about it it's like he's angry. Like i did something to hurt him. Like I deserved the way he behaved in some way. And I just don't understand that. And it didn't end on a really nasty note. I mean we BU, then I said some things but nothing really hurtful. Then we left it as when I am ready I will contact him and we can be friends - that was over 4 months ago now and obviously I will never contact him again. But I thought that was an ok way to leave it. And now this. We are both on FB but not friends and all of a sudden he starts making certain posts that would normally be private public for all to see. Is he playing games? I mean why would you only make certain things public when usually that would be something you would just want your friends to see. I don't want him back but I still try to make some sense out of what happened and how he can just be so different to the person i once knew and loved. I find it crazy you believe that the power is in your hands to determine what is hurtful to someone else. Maybe he IS HURT by you things you said and did regardless if YOU define them to be hurtful or not. Maybe he isn't cold and uncaring, maybe he cares a lot and doesn't show it anymore because he needs to protect himself from being hurt more by you or continuing to invest emotionally into you. Did you think of any of those? So no, he wasn't a stranger, nor was he acting. Maybe he just got to a point of protecting himself and put up a wall to do so. If you say you can't understand that, then you must be different than any female I have ever dated. None of my exs are the same as they were when I dated them, they act differently to protect themselves from being hurt again.. simple. Your way of thinking is kind of childish to be honest.
ponchsox Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Because they no longer care about you. They have checked out long before the breakup and it's just a last goodbye.
Am4Real Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I suggest you look up the word RELATIONSHIP in any accessible online dictionary. After you fully grasp the definition, look for antonyms of the same word. Therein lies your answer... 1
KelC411 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Hey Mz_sassy, Im not sure why people are being so rude on this thread and I hope it hasnt made you stop posting. I understand what you are saying. My relationship was also a shocking break up which it sounds like yours was. i didnt see it coming at all. I am only 2 weeks out from my break up and I am shocked by some of the stuff my ex has done in that time. He went from hugging me and telling me he loved me 2 weeks ago to saying that Im not his "effing problem anymore" and he is being set up with other girls. Not to mention he blamed me for every single thing that went wrong, which just isnt true. Yeah, I get what people are saying that when someone leaves, they are done. But even if you dont love that person anymore, when you have spent years with them and loved them at some point, it seems crazy to be so cruel. Like flipping a switch. It would still hurt anyway, but I wish he had just said that we had grown apart and he didnt love me rather than telling me everything I had done wrong, getting mad every time I tried to defend myself, and implying that he MAY have stayed with me except that I kept saying things that were wrong. It was kind of cruel. I actually came here to tell you that I loved your thread on "Something for the dumped." I have been wallowing in self blame and guilt since he left, especially since he basically said it was all my fault. But that post really helped me (so much so that I emailed it to myself--embarassing ai know). Because you are right. Relationships have ups and downs and everyone makes mistakes and hurts their partner at some point. But I loved him, always told him how wonderful he was, never cheated, and wold have done anything for him. So if he was willing to bail when things got hard, rather than trying to work things out, then thats on him. We deserve people whomwill stay withus through ups and downs (with the excpetion of abuse) and who are willing to communicate and try before just leaving. Its hard to think of now, but I think our break ups were for the best. Imagine getting married and having kids and then having him leave out of the blue. I know all this is easier said than believed, but I wanted you to know that you are awesome and I amgoing to find courage i your post when I am down. *all the hugs* KelC
reddragon588 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I think a good question is why haven't you changed? A breakup is the best possible opportunity to improve yourself and make changes for the better.
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