Leeway Harris Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I had a terrible relationship end almost exactly a year ago. I've dated since then, but nothing serious. I mean, of COURSE nothing serious, because I was still healing. Now the other day, in a public place, I happened to pass by a woman I used to know. Someone I had been on a couple of dates with two years ago, we went WAY too fast, and we had other things going on in our lives, so nothing ever came of it. And immediately after that, I started seeing my ex, the one I was in the terrible relationship with. Anyway, she looked great when I passed by her, and I was about to say hello, but she just smiled and kept right on walking. It turned out she didn't recognize me. Having the same phone I had two years ago, I happened to to still have her number. So I texted her, "Hey, how's it going?" The thing that really surprised me, and the reason I'm starting this thread, is the feelings that came to me while I was waiting for a response. I felt some positive things, like excitement and anticipation. But I would cycle between those feelings, and feelings of anxiety and terror. It made me wonder if I was even ready to date again. My last relationship was a tough one, and I think I'm still suffering from the effects of it. When I was waiting for this woman to text me back, I had all these bad memories come flooding back to me, and it made me very ambivalent about whether I wanted her to respond or not. I was envisioning all the bad things that could happen if we did connect and start something with each other, and we hadn't even had a conversation yet!!! My bad relationship has been over for a year! How long is it going to take before I'm ready to be with someone again? Before I can just be excited about a woman, about getting to know her, and spending time with her, without all this nonsense from the past coming back to interfere? P.S. She did respond, and seemed happy to hear from me, but she declined to pick up a couple of threads I laid down, so I'm thinking she's not interested in starting something up again. I'm half relieved, and half disappointed.
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 This individual girl may be what makes you anxious. I hate to break it to you, but I think the girl you ran into has a boyfriend. Whenever a girl I know is involved they don't say Hi in public in order to avoid giving you the wrong impression. Did you ask the obvious? Or, are we just assuming that girl isn't interested... You are ready to date again as soon as you are O.K. with being alone and somewhere less than desperation.
Author Leeway Harris Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 No, that isn't what made me anxious. She isn't the problem here. My issue is the obvious anxiety I felt at the REMOTE possibility of connecting with a woman. And I think it's related to the bad memories of my prior relationship. As for that individual woman, I don't know if we're going to keep in touch or not, and it really doesn't matter. Like I said, I had mixed feelings about whether I even wanted her to text me back. I don't think she has a boyfriend, based on some stuff she said in her texts, and if she doesn't want to reconnect, it's probably for some other reason that's none of my business.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I think it takes a very long time to get over a meaningful relationship. Who knows how long? Its probably different for everyone. Sounds like you actually have a heart and true feelings and that makes you human and a good guy in my eyes. I'm 4 months out and even the thought of going on a date is just not even on the radar. I can't imagine connecting with another guy for a very long time. It is hard times my friend. But the flip side of that for me is I am actually starting to build up my own life and I'm pretty happy about that. always a silver lining my friend, just need to find it :-)
keepontruckin Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Eight months since my wife left, and as much as I miss the companionship, there will not be another woman in my life again. Not in the same way, ever. Marriage is a joke to most people (50% statistically). I have learned that human nature can turn love into hate at the flip of the switch. If you want to open yourself up to what will most likely end in the same exact way again, you are free to do so. I am not willing. Live single. Live happy. Live free.
iouaname Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I understand the feelings completely. My relationship ended nearly a year ago and I've declined many dates and offers for relationships. I'm just not willing to let myself get attached again. I've had this discussion with friends and family... they all say that it's temporary and that my feelings will change when the right guy comes along. If they're right, then that'll happen when it happens. If not... then, I'll continue on as I am - single and depending on only myself.
keepontruckin Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 That's the problem. We always change when the "right" girl or guy comes along. The problem is, we're here on this site because of the last "right" one! Society is changing, and I believe we would be smart to adapt along with it. Marriage is disposable now, just like a toaster. Nothing is invested in fixing or maintaining things nowadays. Broken items are simply thrown out and replaced. I believe it to be human nature. Marriage simply "prolonged" the inevitable... That one party will eventually just walk. So, live life knowing this. Go out! Have fun! But never let yourself be fooled by cheap talk...
Grumpybutfun Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I had a terrible relationship end almost exactly a year ago. I've dated since then, but nothing serious. I mean, of COURSE nothing serious, because I was still healing. Now the other day, in a public place, I happened to pass by a woman I used to know. Someone I had been on a couple of dates with two years ago, we went WAY too fast, and we had other things going on in our lives, so nothing ever came of it. And immediately after that, I started seeing my ex, the one I was in the terrible relationship with. Anyway, she looked great when I passed by her, and I was about to say hello, but she just smiled and kept right on walking. It turned out she didn't recognize me. Having the same phone I had two years ago, I happened to to still have her number. So I texted her, "Hey, how's it going?" The thing that really surprised me, and the reason I'm starting this thread, is the feelings that came to me while I was waiting for a response. I felt some positive things, like excitement and anticipation. But I would cycle between those feelings, and feelings of anxiety and terror. It made me wonder if I was even ready to date again. My last relationship was a tough one, and I think I'm still suffering from the effects of it. When I was waiting for this woman to text me back, I had all these bad memories come flooding back to me, and it made me very ambivalent about whether I wanted her to respond or not. I was envisioning all the bad things that could happen if we did connect and start something with each other, and we hadn't even had a conversation yet!!! My bad relationship has been over for a year! How long is it going to take before I'm ready to be with someone again? Before I can just be excited about a woman, about getting to know her, and spending time with her, without all this nonsense from the past coming back to interfere? P.S. She did respond, and seemed happy to hear from me, but she declined to pick up a couple of threads I laid down, so I'm thinking she's not interested in starting something up again. I'm half relieved, and half disappointed. I think it is as simple as you aren't ready, and you are still angry and in pain. Blaming every other woman alive for ex-girlfriends seems to be some defeatist platitudes spouted now in order to completely disregard relationships, and to live in a cocoon of fear and pain. I think this is done out of hurt and fear, but isn't healthy or helpful. When you give someone else that much power over you, they win. The one who gives up in defeat are letting the ones who hurt them live rent free in their head. They are allowing their actions to rob them of every potential healthy and happy relationship out here that they could be pursuing. Seems counterproductive and self-sabotaging to me, but then I fight for things that have value to me and a future with someone amazing would be one of those things. If that wasn't a value for you, I doubt you would be posting here so give yourself some time and try to work through these feelings. She is in your past. Leave her there and concentrate on healing yourself for your future. Life is too short to stay stuck on the toxic love interests and lose the opportunities for the healthy love interests. Reboot your thinking and pursue what you want in life including a healthy viewpoint on dating again. Good Luck, Grumps
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 You may not be ready but based on the fact that you did reach out for the woman you knew on the street & you had some positive feelings means that you are healing & moving forward. You should be ready again in the future.
Haydn Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Mate its pretty normal, take it slow, very slow. (Woman can be scary!) But seriously you are not quite ready to venture out there just yet. But no need to be cynical yet. You will get there. In almost the same little boat as you at the moment. Take care.
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