napy666 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 You have heard the saying the more you want something the more it doesn't happen or appear. But yet when you're not looking or wanting it it's then that it pops up. This has happened to me with various items like clothing, movies, music, etc. But not really with dating. Do you think this same saying goes for dating? Because I want to find my soul mate that he isn't popping up? Hahaha
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 That's what people say.. you won't find someone if you are looking. It's true for a lot of reasons - but I like to believe I also have some control over my life and future. 2
Author napy666 Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 What are the reasons and why is it true? What if I end up waiting around and the guy never shows up haha.
Gallaxia Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I've heard this too. They always say get lost in finding yourself in things you love doing whatever it may be- running/hiking club, fine arts, softball, wine tasting, salsa dancing, whatever. "He'll be there and looking for you." They say... Though, CATCH-22, you can't be looking or expecting to find him... 1
ShyGuy5 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I do see some truth in it. Think about it this way: when you want a relationship, you might be more willing to settle for someone that really doesn't fit what you want just because you want to be in a relationship, but when you aren't looking for it, then you are only willing to be in a relationship if the person if the right person because you are willing to wait.
jba10582 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Is there a scientific, psychological, or spiritual reasoning behind this idea of wanting meaning it will not come or you will not get? Please do explain, as I find myself genuinely interested in this, but not from a he said she said perspective. This sounds like a zen thing ....
NoMoreJerks Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 OK, honestly, I know a few people who are so taken by this belief that they turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby when a gorgeous, great person appears in their life (they meet her through online dating let's say) and they go on a date with him/her, they ruin it because they believe that deep down, it will happen when you are least expecting it/not looking for it. It's funny that those people still sign up for online dating, etc. Makes no sense, but there are people like that out there. I had a date with someone like that -- he told me he believes in the cliche that you meet the right person when you're not looking, and that he believes hugely in sparks, etc. On our date, he did not make any effort, and in fact, made it incredibly difficult for me to actually make conversation, so in the end he could easily decide that we weren't a suitable match. It's incredibly difficult for someone to maintain one-sided conversation on a date, when the other person sitting across from you is yawning or cutting you off, etc. Anyway, he eventually told me (a day later) -- after some prodding from me, where I called his "it's not you it's me, but let's keep in touch, I want to get to know you" bluff, that he had met someone on the plane the week before, when he least expected it, and that he had just wanted to meet me because he was curious.. Anyway, I left them to it, obviously, and wished him the best of luck. But some people really dig their own dating grave by getting rid of what could've been very good potential girlfriends/boyfriends, for the excitement of the unplanned and even unattainable. The guy I went on a date with even told me that the thing he had with the woman he met on the plane is "an amazingly complicated situation, and probably doomed to failure but I am going to play it out and see it through to its conclusion." ok....? Sounds like some people like the challenge and the excitement of the unplanned. I say, leave these sorts of people to their own devices, and if you are a believer in that sort of stuff, fair enough, but make sure you don't create a self-fulfilling prophecy where you undervalue or don't value at all the person you actually met in a way that wasn't unplanned.
SJC2008 Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I tried 4 times in 12 years which amounted to 5 women, a few dates/set up dates, getting stood up on a first date, 3rd base, and a stage 5 clinger. So I don't buy the 'When you're not looking' line. Grant it I never had females in my social circle and was very shy so my results of not trying are skewed.
NoMoreJerks Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I do see some truth in it. Think about it this way: when you want a relationship, you might be more willing to settle for someone that really doesn't fit what you want just because you want to be in a relationship, but when you aren't looking for it, then you are only willing to be in a relationship if the person if the right person because you are willing to wait. OK, maybe, BUT: even if you're not actively looking for a relationship , you might still really want it. Like me, for example. I have decided to stop looking for a relationship, but I still want it. And maybe if a guy comes along and he's not the right person, I would still settle for him (OK, I personally wouldn't settle for him if I don't like him or if he's not meeting my needs, but that's only because I won't settle for anyone who doesn't satisfy my needs after my sh*tty experience with my ex). But a lot of people might settle for a guy even when they are not actively looking for a relationship.. I met my ex when I was not actively looking for a relationship. He was a jerk, and I still settled for him. I wasn't in a rush or anything, either...
Author napy666 Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 I know this has happened to me with items, like I was really wanting this new toy and couldn't find it anywhere until one day I was out not thinking about it and it popped up hahahaha. Yes I like toys XD. As for a guy coming along I don't know I've had a lot of guys come and go but a lot of them are out of state and wanna try dating it's like really hard to do that sort of thing I think.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I think this saying is more about WHO you find to be the one rather than HOW you find the one. When we are looking for a relationship we are looking for what we think we need and want in a partner, or what we are told we should need. Often we are distracted by external appearances. Oh doesn't he look cute. She is so hot. Don't they make a great looking cute couple. Think about all the long time married couples you know....how many of them would ever hear that? I'll bet it's not many. The one thing that makes a certain online dating website sound so promising is all the talk of "deeper compatability". Compatability for everyday life. Shared values, shared interest, shared beliefs and backgrounds, and of course chemistry are what make a relationship work for more than that early infatuational stage. Odds are if you are "looking" you aren't seeing what people really are. This is especially true of the young who are by definition less experienced. Live for a while, and you can see through people. The young often don't even really know themselves, let alone their "loves". TLDR: Stop looking and you'll find the one is about who you look for. The one's you find when you're not looking aren't the hottties and hunks. The ones you find when you're not looking are the ones who are attractive enough, who you can live with for a long time. The hot and flashy probably aren't that. (see Hollywood relationships to get an idea of why).
Recommended Posts