Gallaxia Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 So the guy I’m seeing and I were texting back and forth the other day. He was stuck in the office and not out in the field so we couldn’t talk by phone. He asked if I managed to get on birth-control pills which I have a DR appt for coming up. Because he says he does not want (any more) kids (he has a 3 yr old from a previous relationship). I was surprised because I want kids (regardless of him or whoever the SO). We’ve even discussed my wanting kids before … but the time before he said he didn’t want any “anytime soon”. Now it’s “don’t want any at all”. What happened between the time before and then? I feel like I may be getting punished for whatever happened between him and the mother of his child. I was taken aback so I said I needed some time to think. As soon as I text him that, the texts came flooding in- he kept trying to see what time I was still coming over to his house to hang out? What I wanted to cook for us for dinner? Should he defrost the meat? And if not, blahblahblah Etc. Etc. A usual ritual we’ve stepped into but never with so much needing reassurance on every single decision. Anyway, so I get there that night and there is slights tension within the flirting going on between us- on my part. At this point he is going so overboard with the aggressive flirting-lovey dovey-stuff. I mean overall & typically he’s a really great guy but it was a lot like he was more comfortable around me & I was seeing a part of the “real” him. I’m super confused by this behavior. I partly didn’t ask him what was going on because I kind of wanted to see how this would play out. Anyway the more I resisted, the harder he tried. So later in bed he tried to bring back up the issue of children and I said “well, I mean, you said your piece on that issue right?” and he said yeah & dropped it. A few minutes later he was like “I have to ask you something-will you…(long pause)…massage my back?” I kind of felt like, lol that’s not at all what(ever) you really wanted to say but whatever…lol I’m not going to lie, I was totally enjoying all the extra attention he was giving me because my gut started feeling like maybe he was starting to take me for granted. (I made a snarky comment about it the week before and he said “there’s usually some truth behind a joke, right?”) Aye yay yay between the children issue & the (over) attentiveness I'm confused. Any insight as to what's happening here?
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I'm not sure this guy knows what he wants... but he certainly doesn't want to chase you away by saying "no kids, no way". I'm overly curious what the question in bed was going to be - but I'd bet it was somehow tied to this question. Possibly digging even more at when you would be on birth control... He likes you, but children scare guys. He might come around but don't be surprised if he sticks to his guns. That's a very personal decision he may be very adamant about.
Author Gallaxia Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 I know! I kind of wish I had gotten him to really say what was on his mind. I did tell him exactly when my DRs appt would be so I dunno what other question(s) there could be. Boys are weird!
Author Gallaxia Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 Girls are weird! In all actuality, I don't see how I may have been weird here...
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 In all actuality, I don't see how I may have been weird here... If you read between the lines.. you can see the strange weirdo stuff you did in bed but left out...
Author Gallaxia Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 OK, as a guy, what did I do that could be construed as weird? Maybe I can correct it.
Author Gallaxia Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
MidwestUSA Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I'm not Buehler, but My take on it is that his saying he doesn't WANT kids was his knee jerk reaction to the fact that he has a three year old. That's young, and it's surely costing him some money, right? He may actually be the rare case who meant 'not anytime soon' and wants the BC in effect so he doesn't end up with yet another on the way this soon. He's definitely gun shy about it; was his other child planned, or did he feel she trapped/tricked him? If so, he's understandably on the defensive. You guys need to have another talk.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Stick to the root of the matter: under all the extra attention is a potential deal-breaker (depending on how strongly you both feel) If you want children and he doesn't, it's going to be very difficult to progress in a way that makes you both happy. Children aren't something that can be compromised on, in my opinion. How long have you been together? Have you talked much about a future together yet? If not, don't press it right now but keep your eyes and ears open to any other hints of his true feelings. If so, I would talk to him frankly about it. (not in bed) Ask why he's flip-flopped.
Author Gallaxia Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 Thanks Expat, It's still early days. We've only been seeing each other for about a month and a half (we were friends for a month before that) but we get on very well so things had been progressing pretty well & quickly, til this setback. He has made comments about the future here and there and I've been receptive but I haven't initiated hints towards the future myself. I feel like I'm stuck between seeing if there is anymore awesome potential beyond what I've already experienced, or taking the worst-case scenario of "no kids" from his flip-flop, for fact and ending things. Which at this point would make me feel like crap because he's still grieving the loss of his mother from over the summer, and I'd hate to do that to someone I care about in their time of need. I feel like the whole thing's pretty fragile right now.
Author Gallaxia Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 I'm not Buehler, but My take on it is that his saying he doesn't WANT kids was his knee jerk reaction to the fact that he has a three year old. That's young, and it's surely costing him some money, right? He may actually be the rare case who meant 'not anytime soon' and wants the BC in effect so he doesn't end up with yet another on the way this soon. He's definitely gun shy about it; was his other child planned, or did he feel she trapped/tricked him? If so, he's understandably on the defensive. You guys need to have another talk. You've definitely given me something to consider. We haven't discussed the circumstances of his child but if he was trapped/tricked that would explain a lot. Once bitten, twice shy. I get that you'd be suspect of everyone after something like that. It'd also be equally surprising when you realizing you're with someone who is not interested in trapping/tricking you into a child. I will have to reassure him that I am not out to trap him. Thank you, MidwestUSA!
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