The Lines Between Love and Hate

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I can't believe I'm posting about this. But, oh well. Anyway, some months ago I made a thread and asked for advice on how to tell a girl to back away from ldr. By the time I checked back on the thread I had already broken all the tips offered and couldn't really just disappear from her life. But in my defense, I tried being as cold as possible to see if it would work, and to get to the point of this story, it worked.

 

Anyway, we had continued to talk daily and for hours (bad mistake). It got to the point where she wanted to talk to me for the whole day. Anyway, she fell pretty fast and said she loved me, wanted to meet me, travel to where I am, have many dates, and kiss me, and wanted to send me virtual kisses. On the lips. And during that whole time I tried to be as cold as possible but it only made her more crazy about me. I had now become somewhat attached to this girl but I still didn't let her know. I continued this aloof behavior until I noticed a change in hers. She started saying things like we are only friends and we shouldn't plan too many things.

 

This behavior started around the 5th month we had know each other and lasted for one month. Fast forward 1 month (so we know each other now for 6 months) and she finally told me that she likes some other guy. This broke me completely because I know I had what you could say feelings of more than just attachment, as ridiculous as that sounds. Even though we were never TOGETHER because I always turned her down, I now regret my decisions. Now it is me who wants this to work.

 

However, with all the discussions and fighting we've had within the past month, I had found out she has been lying to me about many things regarding this guy. First it was this and then it was that. You, know...the general wishy-washiness that is typical in these sorts of things. She says she loves me but she loves the other guy. She says that she is confused. However, she still wants to see me and plan with me but the wishy-washiness kicks in and says it's too early. I shouldn't worry about him and that she will probably end things with him (she told me this two days ago)

 

Now, to tie this into my title, I don't know if I have crossed the lines between love and hate. I have stopped trying to convince her and I have stopped trying to make plans with her but now I feel anger and resentment. I know we aren't together but I still can't believe she would do this to me. She said she wants things to be like before and I also have that desire but now I've been feeling this hate/anger/resentment/idk wahtchu call it and I don't know if I should just drop her or keep on trying. On the one hand, I could lose her, AND lose my time, and she goes with him because they both live in Europe and she has said their long distance situation is easier. On the other hand, I could listen to her pleas about wanting me to stay and don't go because she still wants me and she doesn't wanna lose me and I could win her heart back.

 

(BTW, I have decided that IF I leave, then it is permanent and I will block her from everywhere we have contact.)

 

So, now to the question. What do I do? I could really use some help here.

[justwhoiam]

What do I do?

I can only tell you what I think you should do.

 

1) Keep being cold.

2) Best thing would be you don't block her but just ignore her, going on with your life.

3) If you ever need to answer something, one of her questions or so, do that after a given time, like 10 days or 2 weeks.

4) Step #2 is only possible if you are sure you have the OO to do that, a solid backbone so to speak. If you doubt your behavior or you sense you can get weak, block her and get rid of her.

5) She likes having a beehive with a number of guys around her, and it looks like that pattern is reiterated online, with more than a guy, so that one would wonder what's wrong with her if she only gets dates from online...

6) To get stronger with your intentions to detach from her, think she lied, she might not be who she said she is, or not entirely so, and that you have better options meeting someone in person, so that you are sure about your feelings

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I can only tell you what I think you should do.

 

1) Keep being cold.

 

I stopped being cold at around the 4th-5th month because of her behavior. So, I take it that your "Keep" can become a "Become cold again?"

 

EDIT: BTW, If I plan to stay then I can't really afford becoming cold because I know the other guy will keep on saying romantic **** and whatnot

Edited November 30, 2013 by Bumpin in My Trunk

[justwhoiam]

I stopped being cold at around the 4th-5th month because of her behavior.

Well, that was not really clear from your post. Stopping being cold was a big mistake.

 

So, I take it that your "Keep" can become a "Become cold again?"

Yes.

 

BTW, If I plan to stay then I can't really afford becoming cold

Then you need to go NC. Because you can't trust yourself.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Well, that was not really clear from your post. Stopping being cold was a big mistake.

 

 

Then you need to go NC. Because you can't trust yourself.

 

Excuse me for my noobishness but why? Why was it a big mistake. My coldness was one of the reasons our situation became like this. And why go NC? I dont get the trust myself part

[justwhoiam]

Why was it a big mistake.

When you stopped being cold, you started getting vulnerable. And this clearly happened with the wrong person.

 

I mean, ask yourself: what do I want? What do I need?

There's a good chance you were just being her hard-to-get guy and she proved herself she can get whatever she wants. But she kinda lost interest in that game pretty soon, when she turned to "we're just friends".

 

And why go NC?

Again, what do you want? Do you want to be really in love with a girl who loves you as much as you love her or even more than that? This doesn't seem to be that girl.

 

I dont get the trust myself part

By your own words and acknowledgement, you are not sure you'd be able to be cold with her again, or for how long.

 

If you are thinking you want her as a girlfriend, I think there's a good chance you'd be making your second big mistake.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

When you stopped being cold, you started getting vulnerable. And this clearly happened with the wrong person.

 

I mean, ask yourself: what do I want? What do I need?

There's a good chance you were just being her hard-to-get guy and she proved herself she can get whatever she wants. But she kinda lost interest in that game pretty soon, when she turned to "we're just friends".

 

 

Ok, so everything makes a lot of sense now. However, I don't think I made myself understood here. She changed to just-friends because I was cold. I didn't show her any emotion, didn't return I love yous, kisses, and even when she wanted to know how her outfit looked like I just said "OK." It wouldn't make sense for her to think she got what she wanted if she never got my attention...unless she finally got it by just telling me she wants to be friends. Idk man, I'm so tired, with a cold, and want to sleep. Maybe I don't understand **** because my brain is fried. But anyway, thanks for your input. And good luck with your SO

 

Anyway, I'd really like someone elses' input. I know people have viewed this at least 100 times and it would be great to have all the possible opinions on this situation

 

Thank You

[justwhoiam]

Hi, I'm sure others will give you their honest opinion, just know that if so many people read your post and had nothing to add to my answer, they probably didn't feel like saying anything else. But now someone else might welcome your invitation.

 

You sound confused even about what you want. But please reread what you wrote here below, especially the parts in bold.

 

she finally told me that she likes some other guy.

...

I always turned her down, I now regret my decisions.

Now it is me who wants this to work.

...

She says she loves me but she loves the other guy. She says that she is confused. However, she still wants to see me and plan with me but the wishy-washiness kicks in and says it's too early. I shouldn't worry about him and that she will probably end things with him (she told me this two days ago)

...

I don't know if I have crossed the lines between love and hate. I have stopped trying to convince her and I have stopped trying to make plans with her but now I feel anger and resentment.

...

I've been feeling this hate/anger/resentment/idk wahtchu call it and I don't know if I should just drop her or keep on trying.

 

So, now to the question. What do I do? I could really use some help here.

 

I do not see the basis to start anything there. This is my honest opinion. And I would discourage a friend to start anything under these preconditions.

 

She changed to just-friends because I was cold. I didn't show her any emotion, didn't return I love yous, kisses, and even when she wanted to know how her outfit looked like I just said "OK." It wouldn't make sense for her to think she got what she wanted if she never got my attention

She definitely HAD your attention, as you would spend all day with her. And - in the meantime - had the time to know someone else, and possibly grow a relationship with him. She didn't say "let's not plan anything" out of the blue or because of your coldness, chances are she was already planning stuff with this other guy. Suddenly, you became an accessory to her life and not her focus anymore.

 

And good luck with your SO

Thanks.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Actually you are right. i am confused. I really don't know what to do so that's why I asked for advice on what to do. But since you say I shouldn't do anything under these conditions then I will go NC for as long as I need it.

 

I also have an update. Last night we stayed up talking and she said she was close to her choice. she said she was leaning towards me because he is being cold and distant and because he isn't really taking it serious and because she hasn't felt the need to talk to him. but before she told me this, i had decided that we were only going to be friends. she asked me if i love her or if i would leave her and I answeredd idk and it's my decision to leave when ever i wanted to. after that she immediately wanted to get off skype and talk to other ppl. I knew it was the other guy so i confronted her about it and she said that since I wanted to leave and didn't knew if I loved her, then she was going to talk to her friend. Anyway, I really think she is using us as fall back plans. If she sees one of us isn't responding well or losing interest then she will fall back on the other. Idk if this bebavior is normal in LDRs, and I know its unhealthy in real life relationships, but I still think I'm taking a break.

[CherryT]

Firstly, it's hard to 'save' a relationship that never really was. You never met and you never were together. Reading your post, what I get is a lesson learn about playing games. You played your games and was cold. You gave her all the reasons to seek affection elsewhere. She's met someone, perhaps in person, and now you're on the back burner. But, that is the right place for someone who was so cold to begin with.

 

I agree with JustWhoIAm… there's nothing really here to start anything or build upon. I'd go NC and meet other people.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Well, I took some time to decide on what I wanted and I figured out that I really don't wanna lose her. If I felt angry, it was because of my inability to change her mind by logic. And I think CherryT is half right and half wrong. You are half right because I prevented a relationship from happening and it was all my fault. However, you are half wrong because you said there was never anything and there certainly was. She was constantly on my ass asking me to Skype, to decided what we were, to show her more love, etc. I definitely had her affection until she started liking the other guy. She also did meet him but it was when she went on a summer trip. She told me countless times before that she didn't like him then and only starting mid October and I believe her because she was even more crazy about seeing each other in cam and professing her love for me after she came back from summer vacation.

 

Now, time for the update. I told her what I decided. I told her I'm gonna stay until she makes her decision. I told her I talked about my problem with friends and other people (you guys) and told her it was advisable for me to leave. She told me that they are wrong and that I should stay because she loves me and didn't wanna lose me. I have to admit things have been great. We've made some progress. She even talked a little bit about meeting this summer, even if she said there were many difficulties, instead of 2015 summer as originally planned.

 

She crossed a line of comfort she never did when she loved me and only me. When we used to cam before her feelings for this guy, she would sometimes wanna sexy talk/show/tease. She played with her body and wore short things with cleavage. She never fully got naked. However, sometime this week she took off her shirt teased me with a real sexy bra. She played with her tits and was in panties and ****. That was a real surprise to me because we had never done that so I guess that's a good sign, right? Anyway, other good signs is she's wanted to cam with me everyday and has stayed up very late (her time 2-3am) to talk to me. She also said I might win her love soon. I hope I am.

 

But there is a problem. The other guy is still there and she talks with him but now it's mostly just fighting with him. She said she is still confused but she's leaning more towards me. However, today, December the 6, at around her 9pm and my 3pm she changed a little bit. We had been talking all day today she and wanted to cam. I, unfortunately, had to do run some errands and I had to leave her for a while. I asked her if we could cam later but she didn't know if she could or not, which to me was very suspicious because it was a Saturday and I knew she was gonna stay home all day. Anyway, I come back and like I said, her mood has changed a little bit. She doesn't wanna cam yet and when she does I noticed she is on her phone. She said she was talking to some friends so I try not to bother he too much. We fight a little bit because she wanted to cam but is barely paying attention to me. However, we go back to normal and eventually she starts using microphone and we keep on talking until my 7:15pm and her 1:15pm. However, I noticed that she just wants to leave suddenly, doesn't give me her usual kiss and warm goodbye (just goodbye) and I see that she stays up talking on her phone until 7:50something. My suspicion is that she was talking to this guy and lied to me about being tired.

 

Since my current goal now is to stay and win her back, I want to know what I need to do. I want to advise everyone that my original post was whether to leave or stay but now I have decided to stay. How do I kick this guy out of the picture? How do I win her back?

 

Thank you

Edited December 7, 2013 by Bumpin in My Trunk

[CherryT]

Well, I took some time to decide on what I wanted and I figured out that I really don't wanna lose her. If I felt angry, it was because of my inability to change her mind by logic. And I think CherryT is half right and half wrong. You are half right because I prevented a relationship from happening and it was all my fault. However, you are half wrong because you said there was never anything and there certainly was. She was constantly on my ass asking me to Skype, to decided what we were, to show her more love, etc. I definitely had her affection until she started liking the other guy. She also did meet him but it was when she went on a summer trip. She told me countless times before that she didn't like him then and only starting mid October and I believe her because she was even more crazy about seeing each other in cam and professing her love for me after she came back from summer vacation.

 

Now, time for the update. I told her what I decided. I told her I'm gonna stay until she makes her decision. I told her I talked about my problem with friends and other people (you guys) and told her it was advisable for me to leave. She told me that they are wrong and that I should stay because she loves me and didn't wanna lose me. I have to admit things have been great. We've made some progress. She even talked a little bit about meeting this summer, even if she said there were many difficulties, instead of 2015 summer as originally planned.

 

She crossed a line of comfort she never did when she loved me and only me. When we used to cam before her feelings for this guy, she would sometimes wanna sexy talk/show/tease. She played with her body and wore short things with cleavage. She never fully got naked. However, sometime this week she took off her shirt teased me with a real sexy bra. She played with her tits and was in panties and ****. That was a real surprise to me because we had never done that so I guess that's a good sign, right? Anyway, other good signs is she's wanted to cam with me everyday and has stayed up very late (her time 2-3am) to talk to me. She also said I might win her love soon. I hope I am.

 

But there is a problem. The other guy is still there and she talks with him but now it's mostly just fighting with him. She said she is still confused but she's leaning more towards me. However, today, December the 6, at around her 9pm and my 3pm she changed a little bit. We had been talking all day today she and wanted to cam. I, unfortunately, had to do run some errands and I had to leave her for a while. I asked her if we could cam later but she didn't know if she could or not, which to me was very suspicious because it was a Saturday and I knew she was gonna stay home all day. Anyway, I come back and like I said, her mood has changed a little bit. She doesn't wanna cam yet and when she does I noticed she is on her phone. She said she was talking to some friends so I try not to bother he too much. We fight a little bit because she wanted to cam but is barely paying attention to me. However, we go back to normal and eventually she starts using microphone and we keep on talking until my 7:15pm and her 1:15pm. However, I noticed that she just wants to leave suddenly, doesn't give me her usual kiss and warm goodbye (just goodbye) and I see that she stays up talking on her phone until 7:50something. My suspicion is that she was talking to this guy and lied to me about being tired.

 

Since my current goal now is to stay and win her back, I want to know what I need to do. I want to advise everyone that my original post was whether to leave or stay but now I have decided to stay. How do I kick this guy out of the picture? How do I win her back?

 

Thank you

 

I still stand by what I said. You can't save a relationship, when there wasn't one. Like you admitted yourself, you prevented that from happening. At most, you have an internet relationship where you are only seeing what she is showing you. You love the idea of who she is. There are just some things you HAVE to see in person. Love, compatibility, someone you want to endure a LDR with, loyalty, trust, attraction etc. Is something you need to see to get perspective on. Seeing as she goes to summer camp, I am guessing you both are quite young. I understand you want to "win her back" but you can only control yourself. Whether she accepts it or not, there's nothing more you can do but to put yourself out there.

 

I am in a LDR and I've heard from many critics that love cannot flourish with distance. I do believe it happens, do don't think when I say that there's nothing it's because of distance. My conclusion to it being nothing is purely on what you said yourself. There is no relationship merely an online relationship. You will believe whatever you want to believe but know there is no magic strategy that will 'win her'. Without meeting her in person, you both are just going by on who you want to believe you both are to each other. If there is another person in her life locally, that connection, affection, intimacy (i'm not talking sex, but just being able to be) is hard to combat when you're merely just someone she loves to talk to but has never met.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

If there is another person in her life locally, that connection, affection, intimacy (i'm not talking sex, but just being able to be) is hard to combat when you're merely just someone she loves to talk to but has never met.

 

It's not locally. They met when she went to the beach this summer in Greece. She went back to Serbia and he to Switzerland. As hard as it is to believe, they are also "long distance" and this guy lives in Switzerland. I know this because I confirmed it with her and we fought about it when I brought it up. So, here we have this love triangle between the a guy in the US:(, a girl in Serbia, and a guy in Switzerland. I will keep putting myself out there even if I know the risks. And to be clear, when we fought, she told me clearly that she is with no one. She isn't in an LDR with him or me. For now, she just wants to have time so she can take her decision.

 

Btw, you asked how old we are. I am 19. She is 18. Idk how old the other guy is.

[justwhoiam]

my current goal now is to stay and win her back

What would it take to make you run? What about she sends the other guy sexy naked pictures? Or she has cybersex with him on cam? Can you put up with that?

 

How do I kick this guy out of the picture?

Even if you successfully did that, a new guy might take his place. Are you aware of that?

 

How do I win her back?

I don't know. But if she can do whatever she feels like and you're always fine with it, she might lose any respect for you.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

What would it take to make you run? What about she sends the other guy sexy naked pictures? Or she has cybersex with him on cam? Can you put up with that?

To be honest, I haven't thought about that because we have been on webcam for the whole week and before that we also cammed consistently. However, there is that chance that she is seeing him behind my back and sending those pictures. I told her I would run if she made plans with him first. However, if I did find out she was doing this behind my back, I would probably run.

 

Even if you successfully did that, a new guy might take his place. Are you aware of that?

I, again, did not think of this. What are you trying to tell me with this question?

 

I don't know. But if she can do whatever she feels like and you're always fine with it, she might lose any respect for you.

I agree with this. She recently said she wasn't jealous of me anymore because I promised her that I wouldn't leave and that I'm not looking into anything more with local girls. She's basically feeling safe that I'm gonna stick around because she's controlling this situation. However, I can't try to make her jealous because she hates it. She was giving me hell about it before and she told me she was fighting with the other guy because he was trying to make her jealous. Maybe I should be cold again.

 

And speaking of cold, she has been cold the whole day. I confronted her about it today but she said she was fine and I could feel it. She asked me to help her with some homework assignment and I agreed but she has continued to be cold. I asked her if she was going to sleep soon but she didn't answer and stayed up until her 4am

[justwhoiam]

if I did find out she was doing this behind my back, I would probably run.

So start to reason with that in mind. She spends time with you, but you are in a different time zone. She's in the same time zone as the other guy. And she probably has other guys she can talk to in case things go wrong with him. The whole "i need to see who i really love" story screams BS. You accepting that sounds desperate. In short, she's having you by the balls (pardon my French). And doing whatever with other guys. You accepted it in fear of losing her, but if she really cared about you, would she let you go? No. She'd let you go just because you aren't that special for her after all.

 

What are you trying to tell me with this question?

I'm trying to tell you that you need to open your eyes and man up.

 

You are in some limbo now, where she can do whatever with other guys while you are stuck with her and can't see any other girl... seriously? Tell her you're gonna live your life, that you can't wait behind the door while she's had enough with other people... and if and when she will realize you mean anything to her, she will be back to you and you will have a serious conversation. Until then, wish her well.

[Eggplant]

First of all, your cold response isn't the proper way to break up with a woman or end a relationship. It's not the behavior of a emotionally mature adult.

 

Second of all, it's as though you want her because you cannot have her. When she's readily available, you freak out and push her away. Therefore, suppose you win her back. You'll probably stop wanting her as soon as you have her again, so I'd just forget about it.

 

Third of all, this other online person may or may not have another guy at all. Or she may have 10. Who knows? It's really just a random online persona.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

She ended up choosing me over him. BUT, she still kept in contact with him. It became to the point where they barely talked. I know this because I saw it in her responses and we checked each others facebook. We gradually got closer and closer sharing more secrets and love than we ever did. Sometimes we fought but it was because she still had this guy on her phone and her fb and I couldn't deal with it. I told her to get block him but we always got in a fight about it. She gave me some bull**** about wanting to feel completely safe and sure that she could be with me, even thought we eventually got in a relationship. Anyway, things got better, got closer, and talked almost 24 hours. However, we still fought about him. I told her to leave him and she didn't want to until one day we fought so bad that we broke up. After this breakup, we fought a lot, both insulting each other and saying hurtful things.

 

She left me, she said she wanted to end it but the next day she came back and told me that she can't without me. I made clear my conditions and she didn't STILL didn't want it. We didn't talk much and I told her I cant take her back like that. She tried again the same thing the next day but again, I said no. We fought, she went to a party, we reconciliated but didn't get back together. I was a bit cold because I'm tired of her ****. I want her for me ONLY. Fack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!We fought again and again about him and now she's confused.

 

Now, keep in mind that this guy had been trying to steal her ever since December (aka when she chose me). ****ing telling her that he loves her and wants her and all this lovey dovey ****. I told her that is EXACTLY why he needs to go ASAP. And lately, specially when we broke up, he has been trying so ****ing hard to steal her away even ****ing calling her. Now, I'm in a bad situation. After she didn't wanna get back with me anymore she told me to wait because she was confused. I asked her about WHAT and she said between me as boyfriend or him as friend. I told her it was bull**** and I said she was unfaithful all this ****ing time but she denied it. We fought again and this time we didn't really talk for like 2 days. Within those two days that ******* must have feeding her so much **** to steal her away that I'm losing her now. NOW, she says she's confused about who she wants. I need to lock her down and end this once and for all. I need all the help I can get. Please guys

[InnocentMan]

She's taking both you, and this other dude for mugs, but at least she's being honest. You're both very young, so what's the chances of you even meeting anytime soon? These online things are difficult enough when it's just 2 people, add a third and it's just a ballache that isn't worth it.

 

You can't "lock someone down" with the power of the internets. You've been at this for almost 5 months, and she's still feeding you the same lines. I would advise you turn to turn the pc off, and go meet some real life girls. This one is just driving you crazy.

 

The distance is too far, you've never met, and she's constantly telling you she's confused about this other dude. She's an obvious drama queen, but you seem to enjoy the drama also, otherwise you would have some self-respect and forget her.