lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 (edited) Hi all, Okay, so I met this guy online on a dating website, and we were talking, we swapped numbers, i met him a week after, and we had a great time, we made what feels like equal efforts in initiating things, anyway, the second week i was meant to see him but he cancelled on me because he was doing up these flats he's about to rent, so i spoke to him every day but a little less, so on tuesday we had our second date, and by this point i felt like i was initiating things more like the texting and stuff but in person it was different altogether, and he intiated intimacy:/ but we met and we had fun, infact he was all over me, and we kissed and he was more intimate, he didnt like, grope me and touch me in a violating way (we had this conversation about sex) but it was okay, because i speak to him pretty much eeryday it was comfortable y'know? anyway after the date i said thanks, it was fun blah blah,a nd he didnt really respond, i was adamant to not text him the next day but i found out i got a new job so i messaged him and he rang me to congratulate me, and it was nice, he called me pet names and how i was, and asking me questions and saying he's happy for me etc I recently went back on that dating site, more as a kind of 'back up', because i do like him, we admitted that we like each other, and we want to get to know each other and go slowly to get to know each other, but he also goes back on that dating website too so i got worried. and today, i didnt message him at all, but he didnt message me either, and because we've been talking about a month, i was wondering if hes 'rubberbanding'? It has only been like a month or so. I'm so confused because he was all over me on our last date, then silence, and then when he congratulated me on my new job he was really sweet. Please help. Edited November 30, 2013 by lollypoppet
spiderowl Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Hard to tell, but if he's not initiating much, I'd be wary. The impression I get is that he would take the physical, if it was available, but isn't really interested in a relationship.
Author lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 It's hard to tell as itw as our second date, he knows about the whole no sex thing, because we spoke about it like right at the beginning, but i am confused I dont understand why?
Author lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 as in, how can you be all sweet and lovely like he always has been, been all over me, (it was just kissing me lots and having his arm around me, rubbing my lower back, or hips) and then just not talk to me as much now. Its not like he got anything. Whatt should i do?
Mascara Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 You shouldn't "do" anything, he knows what he has to do and he knows where you are. As to why - you can analyse it to death, but the fact is that people - men and women - can do a complete 180 from one day to the next. The way they previously were with you matters only at that moment. Not the next day or the next week - only at that moment. Can you elaborate more on "we had the sex talk"
Author lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 You shouldn't "do" anything, he knows what he has to do and he knows where you are. As to why - you can analyse it to death, but the fact is that people - men and women - can do a complete 180 from one day to the next. The way they previously were with you matters only at that moment. Not the next day or the next week - only at that moment. Can you elaborate more on "we had the sex talk" It just sends me very confusing messages though, because even though he told me he liked me and wants to know me, i dont know when hes like this :/ I told him at the start, like the first few days that I'm not going to have sex with anyone anymore unless I know it's with someone serious and we both feel for each other.
TaraMaiden Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Biggest 'back-off-buster!' deflating comment you can give a guy. He's backing off, because he knows his chances of a good lay are currently, slim. It's akin to telling a BF you intend to become a nun. Not exactly the come-on they want to hear, right? Thing is, you didn't need to even tell him this, outright.... You could simply have gently rebuffed any physical advances until you feel ready.... You've turned him right off from trying any more. And he's now just being a friend..... 2
Author lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 but he understood the sex thing, and he knew he wasn't gunna get laid, why would he carry on talking? Why would he say he really liked me if he didnt, and ask me on a second date afte that?
TaraMaiden Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Hope springs eternal dearie... you've told him 'no', he's thinking "yeah, but what if she changes her mind....?"
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 but he understood the sex thing, and he knew he wasn't gunna get laid, why would he carry on talking? Why would he say he really liked me if he didnt, and ask me on a second date afte that? He likes you but sex is out of the question so he will keep you around until he can find someone he likes and wants him enough to have sex. 1
TaraMaiden Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Sheesh, yeah. Telling a guy there's no sex on the horizon is like friend-zoning them and inviting them to look elsewhere. Why should he stick around for you, really? I mean, if you remove what most people would consider to be an essential of a relationship, what do you think you have, that it would take to compel him to stay? Seriously, if you deny him an ingredient to the cake, it's not going to turn out according to the recipe, is it? 1
Author lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 but that's not the case, he said he can wait, he's known me for a month now, surely he'd have gone somewhere else after a couple of weeks?
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 but that's not the case, he said he can wait, he's known me for a month now, surely he'd have gone somewhere else after a couple of weeks? Actually that's the case. Why turn down female attention and risk having none for a period of time until you find someone else? Now he can find someone else with some assurance that he has some female attention already. It kind of takes the desperation off of him.
Author lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 but why was he all over me when he already knows this?
Author lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 I should have explained the sex thing in bigger detail as that seem's to be all anyone is focusing on. We do like each other, and we are cheeky and banterous and everything else, he said he likes me and said that he wants to try and take it slow and really get to know each other before we commit to anything, and that was said after the whole sex thing. He had asked my why i'm abstaining, I had told him i'm abstaining for now until i meet someone special because i've done the whole casual thing for before. He knew it ages ago, but he still spoke with me. I would like to know why's being like this avoiding this whole topic turning into sex, because i do know some sex appeal has to be there, tastefully obviously, but i want to know about his behaviour. Imagine if i never said about sex in this post. I just want to know. an insightful or sensible answer based away from sex
TaraMaiden Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 To not hurt your feelings or to not make his wishes so obvious. Really, do you need a diagram? Think! You're essentially telling the guy "I like you, but I don't know if you are the one, or ever will be. But you need to stick around until I can be sure. I don't know how long that will take. it could be a week, it could be a year. And after all that, you may still not cut the mustard, but I need you to stay with me, and potentially waste all that time until I find out whether it's you or not." So, you have feelings, you aren't callous or uncaring. You make motions to stay friendly, but you know you're unlikely to wet your whistle. Still, it's nice to go out with a girl now and then, just for fun, for company.... get it?
TaraMaiden Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I should have explained the sex thing in bigger detail as that seem's to be all anyone is focusing on. We do like each other, and we are cheeky and banterous and everything else, he said he likes me and said that he wants to try and take it slow and really get to know each other before we commit to anything, and that was said after the whole sex thing. He had asked my why i'm abstaining, I had told him i'm abstaining for now until i meet someone special because i've done the whole casual thing for before. He knew it ages ago, but he still spoke with me. I would like to know why's being like this avoiding this whole topic turning into sex, because i do know some sex appeal has to be there, tastefully obviously, but i want to know about his behaviour. Imagine if i never said about sex in this post. I just want to know. an insightful or sensible answer based away from sex you can't have answers NOT based on sex, because a relationship without sex, is just a friendship.
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 you can't have answers NOT based on sex, because a relationship without sex, is just a friendship. It's a lost cause here.
BikerAccnt Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 you can't have answers NOT based on sex, because a relationship without sex, is just a friendship. I tried to explain this to my ex-wife too. LOL.. I still don't think she get's it, after all these years.
Author lollypoppet Posted November 30, 2013 Author Posted November 30, 2013 What would you all have said if i never mentioned the sex thing in the first post then? Because i still feel like you're all jumping to something different
joystickd Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 What would you all have said if i never mentioned the sex thing in the first post then? Because i still feel like you're all jumping to something different More than likely you were just wasting his time.
Mascara Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 I'm going to very quickly mention the sex thing first. You sound quite young - are you? Let me give you the benefit of several decades more dating experience than you. Never ever tell a guy "you won't be getting any". First of all, it's like telling him "I know you must be expecting a shag on the first night, but no way pervert". That's what it sounds like to a guys ears. It shouldn't even be a topic. Address it as and when it comes up. Secondly, it's automatically making it into a big deal. All a guy hears at THAT is "woah, she's already talking "relationship" and it's only the first date". Thirdly... telling a guy that you USED to hook up quickly, but no more - wrong signal. It's fine to be the kind of girl that waits. It's fine to be the kind of girl that doesn't. What's NOT fine is telling a guy "well, I used to get freaky by the third drink, but not for you". It doesn't matter WHY you now want to wait... all he knows is that other guys used to get it, but he can't. Okay.... moving on from sex. I've already told you that this happens all the time, guys doing a complete 180. You can analyse it all you like, and talk about how it's not fair and it's misleading. Yup, it's all of those things.... but it still happens. You might as well get used to it now - and take a lesson from it. In my opinion, that lesson should be - don't treat a first date like it's the start of a relationship.
elbe Posted November 30, 2013 Posted November 30, 2013 Meeting people online is sketchy because you really never know anybody anyway but this guy you REALLY don't know. He could have a wife and kids for all we know. Lots of people are looking to get laid. The aggressive physical advances and the weak emotional queues makes me think this of your new found friend. I would take this relationship 45% less seriously than you have been and continue to peruse the market.
Recommended Posts