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Do all MM talk badly about their wife during the affair?

Popsicle

By Popsicle
in General Relationship Discussion

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AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

Posted
Posted (edited)
I think most MM realize they must walk a thin line. Most make it sound as though they are unhappy at "home". I think most are smart enough to know that bad mouthing their spouse would come off wrong to the OW.

 

 

To be even more specific, they might very early on, learn if that "works" with that particular AP. If the AP shuts it down, either through actions, saying so, or changing the topic, not engaging the conversation...there is no value there. If on the other hand, it invokes a "bonding" type response...it is then used as a tool to further the affair.

 

That works both ways as well. The AP might try to engage/initiate the negative talk, to reinforce their decision to engage in the affair.

Edited by AlwaysGrowing
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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I think for a lot of OW it probably makes them feel better about the morality of the situation if the wife is made out to be a bad person or neglectful or whatever.

 

Yes! This is the case with my friend.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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I don't want you or anyone else to look too far into what I'm about to say... but supposedly if someone is taken but rarely/never mentions the SO they are willing to at least evaluate the option of leaving them for you.

 

Hmm, why do you think that? I'm no expert in this, but I would think it would be the opposite....if someone is taken but rarely/never mentions the SO, then they are not and have no plans to evaluate leaving them for you. Like I said I could be wrong and I'm just guessing.

Realist3 Established Member

Realist3

Posted
Posted

Then one looks at the 'Worst OW/OM moments' thread and sees if they do have something positive it is seen as a negative or an insult.

Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

Posted
Posted
What causes them to even talk badly about their wife, and worse, talk about leaving her when they know good and well that they are not going to leave their family?

You ask this question as though you expected logic and reason and consideration and fairness and to prevail in the cheating MP's head.

 

Not only is it a good way to rope in an OW, but also the MP wants to believe that the BS is at fault to some extent for being a bad spouse, in order to help justify what he or she is doing in his or her own mind. The BS may have been perfect, but the MM would rather rewrite reality.

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BeingMe Established Member

BeingMe

Posted
Posted

BS here:

 

I don't know what he said to his OW, but he did flirt with someone over email before he met her. I discovered the emails as part of everything else - my WH is not smart, I mean who keeps emails like that in their a/c that their wife has access to? Not that I checked up on him until far too late of course!

 

Anyway...

 

I know that my WH will have trash talked about me to the OW. In the flirty emails, he used trash talking as a way of flirting: saying something nasty about me and then saying she wasn't like that. He also said we weren't sleeping together. :rolleyes:

 

What was worst? The twisting of the truth. He'd take something that was a very small thing, and exaggerate it, twist it around (often saying a joint choice, or even his choice, was mine alone and something he didn't want) and add in some information that I didn't know (like our finances were in trouble). He did it to get sympathy, sometimes to ask for 'advice', but all of it was a way to flirt & to tell himself I was awful so he could justify what he was doing.

 

He denied doing this with the OW, but I don't believe him. Mostly because of the previous emails and because he admitted once that he did moan to her about me and that she was very supportive of him. Ya think?

 

So...maybe some men who do this are being honest, but I suspect it's often a case of a grain of truth making the lies more believeable. After all, it worked for him on me. It took me ages before I got suspicious and even then, I thought he might just have a crush on someone.

 

Interestingly though, he never trash talked about anyone to me UNTIL he was in the A. Not in the years we were gf/bf, not in the years of marriage. It's not something I tolerated.

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megamommy Member

megamommy

Posted
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I wouldn't say they all talk negatively about the wife. My MM is open and honest about the good and the bad. He never puts her down, but he does come to me to vent about his frustrations with her actions. He never hides the good times from me, which I truly appreciate because it helps keep a realistic outlook on things.

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
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What causes them to even talk badly about their wife, and worse, talk about leaving her when they know good and well that they are not going to leave their family?

 

Not all, my exAP did not ever speak badly about neither did he tell me all these detailed things about her and their R. From reading here though it seems that many do.

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Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted
Why would a MM actually admit he still has (good or any) sex with his wife to his OW? That's just going to make the affair more difficult for him and having to deal with jealously issues, emotions, and accusations. He'd be a real idiot to admit it, so it's much easier for him to LIE and/or omit truths. Or say what you said above. Oh poor MM is 'forced' to have sex with his wife and he doesn't enjoy it. Such a big fat lie!

 

This is partly what I meant by MM having to walk a fine line.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Then one looks at the 'Worst OW/OM moments' thread and sees if they do have something positive it is seen as a negative or an insult.

 

In case it's not obvious, there is no winning in affairs.

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awkward Established Member

awkward

Posted
Posted

If they are saying their wives don't have sex with them, there is no intimacy, we are like brother and sister, etc. then they are in fact speaking negatively about their wives. And it is most likely a lie.

 

AP's often choose to believe the lying cheater so it won't make them feel bad about themselves and the choices they make. It isn't until about a year out of the affair that you see women say I don't know what to believe. Even then, after he lied to her and stayed in his marriage, they believe that he might have been truthful with them and is just staying for <insert common excuse here>.

 

I don't see how one can tolerate a man being disrespectful to not only his wife but his family too by choosing to have an affair, yet can't tolerate them speaking negatively about his wife. He will one day be speaking negatively about the affair partner too. Because that is how these selfish men roll!

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Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted

My MM/now husband stated facts and his perception of their relationship. Was it always super shiny unicorn producing of course not. But it was a balanced argument based on facts. One being, her affair.

 

I know that I did similar about my ex. There were reasons why I was divorcing and so I would state the reasons. I tried to have a balanced stating and would own my short comings as well. But, my ex was very human and so was not a saint.

 

I think it really depends on the details, frequency, accountability, etc that plays a bigger factor. I have no friends that have never said a negative thing about their SO, even the happiest ones. It isn't about blameshifting, per say, but about venting. Yes, I look for the frequency of complaining, their accountability to the issues, etc. to see how fair the complaint.

 

Now, when he was making a negative comment, I would ask questions to try/make sure to get a whole picture and to see where the problem laid. And there were times that I would defend him just like he would defend my ex husband especially when he was seeing repeating behavior with him. He has had no issues to call me on my crap when he is seeing the common denominator. :laugh:

will-ow Member

will-ow

Posted
Posted

You started this thread with a question which seems to have got rather lost....

 

"Do all MM talk badly about their wife during the affair? "

 

My answer, based on my own EMR and experience of others' EMRs, is a resounding NO. Not all MM talk badly about their wives. Not all MM talk about their wives at all.

 

It is very inaccurate, misleading, and imho just plain wrong to generalise as much as so many people seem to do on this forum.... people have EMRs for dozens of different reasons and they behave in dozens of different ways and none of us should presume to know what's going on in other people's heads, lives and relationships.

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solostand Established Member

solostand

Posted
Posted

Well mine certainly did speak poorly of her and worse!

 

When we first started out it was "we're companion, brother and sister like''.

 

Later, he started calling her "the old lady" or "her".

 

Then one fateful day, he advised he was so in love with me he had actually been thinking of ways of killing her in a way no one would notice!

 

She is slightly older than him then he said "maybe she'll die".

 

Then when he had to have surgery he said "I was thinking if the old lady died or something, I would pay you $500 a week to look after me."

 

Then he said he can't sleep with her because she's 60 pounds overweight.

 

Then one day when he knew we both were going to be at the same event (her and I) he said "I should screw you so you can sit across from her with her husband inside you."

 

Then he said she was walking the dog because she has such a fat ass.

 

Then, when the suspicion was on, he said "I suppose I could screw her, but I don't know how I could possibly get it up."

 

Nice, huh?

yellowmaverick Established Member

yellowmaverick

Posted
Posted
Well mine certainly did speak poorly of her and worse!

 

When we first started out it was "we're companion, brother and sister like''.

 

Later, he started calling her "the old lady" or "her".

 

Then one fateful day, he advised he was so in love with me he had actually been thinking of ways of killing her in a way no one would notice!

 

She is slightly older than him then he said "maybe she'll die".

 

Then when he had to have surgery he said "I was thinking if the old lady died or something, I would pay you $500 a week to look after me."

 

Then he said he can't sleep with her because she's 60 pounds overweight.

 

Then one day when he knew we both were going to be at the same event (her and I) he said "I should screw you so you can sit across from her with her husband inside you."

 

Then he said she was walking the dog because she has such a fat ass.

 

Then, when the suspicion was on, he said "I suppose I could screw her, but I don't know how I could possibly get it up."

 

Nice, huh?

 

Yep.....he's a real winner!

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Nothisgirl Established Member

Nothisgirl

Posted
Posted
Well mine certainly did speak poorly of her and worse!

 

When we first started out it was "we're companion, brother and sister like''.

 

Later, he started calling her "the old lady" or "her".

 

Then one fateful day, he advised he was so in love with me he had actually been thinking of ways of killing her in a way no one would notice!

 

She is slightly older than him then he said "maybe she'll die".

 

Then when he had to have surgery he said "I was thinking if the old lady died or something, I would pay you $500 a week to look after me."

 

Then he said he can't sleep with her because she's 60 pounds overweight.

 

Then one day when he knew we both were going to be at the same event (her and I) he said "I should screw you so you can sit across from her with her husband inside you."

 

Then he said she was walking the dog because she has such a fat ass.

 

Then, when the suspicion was on, he said "I suppose I could screw her, but I don't know how I could possibly get it up."

 

Nice, huh?

 

That actually made me throw up in my mouth.... I can't imagine any moan speaking about a woman like that...especially one he married...how can you look him in the eye after that..Let alone be intimate with him? He has such a blatant disrespect for women :(

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solostand Established Member

solostand

Posted
Posted

Yeah I dumped him. Not before sitting around to hear all this and banging his brains out. What was I thinking?

Mascara Established Member

Mascara

Posted
Posted

You dumped him how long ago? Is this the guy you were still posting about 2 weeks ago?

bentleychic Established Member

bentleychic

Posted
Posted
You dumped him how long ago? Is this the guy you were still posting about 2 weeks ago?

Try yesterday. She was still posting about him as of yesterday, but I think she said she's been NC for a couple of days.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
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I have had plenty of MM, who were coming after me flirting, and when I remind them that they are married they say disparaging things about their wife, usually involving lack of sex and intimacy. One said his wife is all over him but he wishes she would just leave him alone for one night. I didn't like any of these guys (luckily for me) so I just ignore them. The MM I like never speaks about his wife, which I also find disturbing for different reasons.

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solostand Established Member

solostand

Posted
Posted
You dumped him how long ago? Is this the guy you were still posting about 2 weeks ago?

 

Last Wednesday.

Meadowgreen Established Member

Meadowgreen

Posted
Posted
My point exactly. Some OW thrive off of hearing this stuff and it makes an OW despise MM's wife and also gives her tons of hope about a future.

 

Your friend is in for a world of hurt soon when he turns on her, throws her under the bus. To him it's just an affair and he's just enjoying it for what it is, but it sounds like your friend is into this and him deeply. Of course if you tell her otherwise she won't believe what you tell her at all.

 

This is pretty much word for word what happened to me and my MM a few years ago. I heard it all:

 

"She's just staying with me for the big house and nice lifestyle / we had sex a year ago and that's because she was tipsy after a night out / she belittles me to other people / she doesn't care about my work (he's a famous TV producer, I'll leave it at that)"

 

It was all a ploy to get me, a 20 year old girl with zero self esteem who was madly in awe of him, to hate her and suppress the guilt I was feeling for fooling around with him.

 

When she found out about our affair a year after I ended it, I got thrown right under the bus and blamed for all of it "she seduced me / she's obsessed with me / I was in a vulnerable place etc"

 

I hate him. I know that makes me sound crazy but I honestly do. His career has since divebombed and I couldn't be happier. I just hope his wife rinses him of every dime before she kicks his sorry ass to the curb.

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Meadowgreen Established Member

Meadowgreen

Posted
Posted
BS here:

 

I don't know what he said to his OW, but he did flirt with someone over email before he met her. I discovered the emails as part of everything else - my WH is not smart, I mean who keeps emails like that in their a/c that their wife has access to? Not that I checked up on him until far too late of course!

 

Anyway...

 

I know that my WH will have trash talked about me to the OW. In the flirty emails, he used trash talking as a way of flirting: saying something nasty about me and then saying she wasn't like that. He also said we weren't sleeping together. :rolleyes:

 

What was worst? The twisting of the truth. He'd take something that was a very small thing, and exaggerate it, twist it around (often saying a joint choice, or even his choice, was mine alone and something he didn't want) and add in some information that I didn't know (like our finances were in trouble). He did it to get sympathy, sometimes to ask for 'advice', but all of it was a way to flirt & to tell himself I was awful so he could justify what he was doing.

 

He denied doing this with the OW, but I don't believe him. Mostly because of the previous emails and because he admitted once that he did moan to her about me and that she was very supportive of him. Ya think?

 

So...maybe some men who do this are being honest, but I suspect it's often a case of a grain of truth making the lies more believeable. After all, it worked for him on me. It took me ages before I got suspicious and even then, I thought he might just have a crush on someone.

 

Interestingly though, he never trash talked about anyone to me UNTIL he was in the A. Not in the years we were gf/bf, not in the years of marriage. It's not something I tolerated.

 

Wow. Your post read so close to home that I almost wondered if you're the BS of my MM from a few years ago. She discovered all his emails where he was laying it on thick with me and badmouthing her, how she was 'extremely frigid and an emotionally cold person' and 'was just sticking around for his money'.

 

I didn't understand why he would go after me when he was with her though. She was truly a beautiful and charismatic woman, even for one pushing 50. I hate that he made me carry all the guilt for what we were doing, and I hate that I caused her all that pain. I really think, had the circumstances been different, I would've got on really well with her as she seemed lovely despite all his claims to the contrary.

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Well mine certainly did speak poorly of her and worse!

 

When we first started out it was "we're companion, brother and sister like''.

 

Later, he started calling her "the old lady" or "her".

 

Then one fateful day, he advised he was so in love with me he had actually been thinking of ways of killing her in a way no one would notice!

 

She is slightly older than him then he said "maybe she'll die".

 

Then when he had to have surgery he said "I was thinking if the old lady died or something, I would pay you $500 a week to look after me."

 

Then he said he can't sleep with her because she's 60 pounds overweight.

 

Then one day when he knew we both were going to be at the same event (her and I) he said "I should screw you so you can sit across from her with her husband inside you."

 

Then he said she was walking the dog because she has such a fat ass.

 

Then, when the suspicion was on, he said "I suppose I could screw her, but I don't know how I could possibly get it up."

 

Nice, huh?

 

This has to be the sickest thing I've read on LS in a very long time. He said all that about his wife, the women he married and said vows to, the woman who carried his kids and gave birth to them. Wow, he's flippen emotionally disturbed to say stuff like that. :sick:

 

Yeah I dumped him. Not before sitting around to hear all this and banging his brains out. What was I thinking?

 

Reading the above should be enough to make you stay away from him. Imagine the stuff he could easily say behind YOUR back one day and you're not married to him, no kids or obligations/ties to him!!!

 

Last Wednesday.

 

Good. And I hope you stay broken up forever. For your sake!

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cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
Do all MM talk badly about their wife during the affair?

 

 

No.

 

What causes them to even talk badly about their wife, and worse, talk about leaving her when they know good and well that they are not going to leave their family?

 

It's possible to leave a wife without leaving a family.

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