LolaMontez Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I will elaborate on specifics of my relationship with my fiance as needed, but I really need advice from outside sources on whether or not anything can be done, or if we should just part ways for good... I'm on day 8 of NC. There has been no breakup, just a culmination of months of back and forth fighting, periods of not seeing or talking to each other, etc. Basically, our issues come down to lack of communication and me not feeling that I matter to him anymore. When I try to speak to him about it he immediately becomes defensive and blows my feelings off as if it's nothing. I'm not talking one or two instances of him doing something to hurt my feelings, it's daily. It just seems that I'm always being put to the side until he gets ready to see me/talk to me/respond to me, whatever, and then he expects me to drop everything and be there for him. I understand that men are wired differently than women, but honestly it's time after time that something--anything--comes between us. He's a very unemotional person, and he has told me this himself. We both are stubborn, and we each have our faults in the ways that we handle disagreements, fights, etc. I really don't think I doubt the fact that he loves me, and he knows I love him, but I am wondering if our love is going to get us through this? I don't know what to do anymore, I don't understand why he can't acknowledge that when he does these things it hurts me. The last time I saw him was last Wednesday, then he started the same things again and I just stopped replying to anything he texted me and so by Saturday he stopped texting. Forgive me, this is my first post and I know it's all over the place. I will answer anything anyone needs to know, I just need some insight from people other than my friends, they mean well, but they are always going to be biased... I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this and thanks for any advice any of you may have.
Danny Dee Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Have you told him how much he's hurting you?? I think yous need to sit down & have a heart to heart & get your true feelings out there, no stubbornness. Make sure you look out for yourself though don't allow yourself to get hurt. Really hope you get it sorted as I'm going through a breakup where my head is all over the place & i am going through every emmotion possible. I wish you the best Of luck..
Author LolaMontez Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 Danny, thank you for your reply. Yes, I have told him. But as I said he only gets defensive and acts as if my feelings are hurt over nothing. This has become such a pattern in our relationship that I don't even know what's going to happen. I don't want this to be the end for us, but I don't know what else to do. I don't think I should constantly feel ignored because seemingly everything else in his life takes precedence over us. Especially when he knows how it makes me feel, how it affects our relationship, and he continues to do the same things over and over. Does it mean he just doesn't care? I'm not understanding what goes through his mind. Every time this happens, and we go for a few days of not speaking I am always the one to reach out first, even though my feelings were hurt. I just feel like he is unwilling to put forth any effort in this.
Danny Dee Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I have to say i really feel for you. Do you feel like you are doing all the initiating?? I think you need to lay it on the line or don't put yourself out there ad much & let him miss you. Love should be balanced equally & 2 people need to be putting in the effort for it too work. Sounds like your head is as messed up as mine I feel your pain & wish you the best of luck.
Author LolaMontez Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 Yes Danny, I always break the silence through calling or text. I guess I am leaving this one up to him. I'm so tired of feeling worthless, and if this relationship means anything to him at all, hopefully eventually I will hear something. It's so hard, not knowing where we're going, or even where I stand with him, if we're together or not... I'm so sorry for your breakup and I wish you well also.
Author LolaMontez Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 After almost 2 weeks of NC I finally heard from my fiance yesterday. He first tried to call, then texted 5 hours later to say he was done, that he just wasn't going through this anymore. Told me to contact him about getting a Christmas gift for my daughter that was being stored at his place, but that he was officially done with all this. I just can't let him go. I know we both love each other and most of our arguments come down to communication issues, and my feeling neglected by him a lot. We've gotten into a horrible pattern of arguing then going days with no contact then coming back together for a while just to repeat it all over again. I don't know what to do. On one hand I don't feel like I should contact him because he is saying it's over, and maybe I should just let him be. But on the other hand my best friend told me she thinks he just got mad because I didn't answer the phone and he lashed out in the way he knew would hurt me most trying to elicit a response... When the original fight started 2 weeks ago, he left my house, went home, and sent me texts for the next 3 days, which I chose not to respond to, as I was still upset. I know this hurt him, and I know I shouldn't do this when I get hurt or scared, but I guess it's my defense. I have tried to talk to him before about the way we handle our arguments. His way is just to let it blow over a few hours then sweep it under the rug and act as if it never happened, which doesn't resolve anything. My way is to walk away, let my feelings calm and be left alone, which doesn't resolve anything either. We both are incredibly hard-headed, and I know things should be handled differently on both ends when we do have a disagreement. It can't be really over, it just can't.
reddragon588 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 The first question you need to ask: Do you want it to be saved? Is it worth it to save it? If the answer to that is yes, then it will be easy to save. But you have to dig deep and really think about that question and the answer.
Author LolaMontez Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Yes, I do want it to be saved, and to me it's worth it, but I don't know what's inside his head at this point besides anger, hurt and frustration. I spent all day yesterday, all of last night and today thinking about whether just to let it go because that's what he says he wants now, or to not give up. I don't want to give up, but when he says it's over what do I do? I don't know how to proceed from here.
headinthecloud Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) Yes, I do want it to be saved, and to me it's worth it, but I don't know what's inside his head at this point besides anger, hurt and frustration. I spent all day yesterday, all of last night and today thinking about whether just to let it go because that's what he says he wants now, or to not give up. I don't want to give up, but when he says it's over what do I do? I don't know how to proceed from here. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's an awful feeling when your fears are realized. From what you describe, it sounds like neither of you are in a healthy RS. Your needs are not being met and neither are his. RSs take work from both parties. Not responding to his texts and calls is playing a game, whether you intended that or not. When you lose respect for each other then trust is broken and the RS is doomed to fail unless someone makes a drastic shift. I would respect his decision and go NC. It sounds like too much has happened. My heart goes out to you as you make your decision. Know that you're not alone and we are here for you. *hugs* Edited December 4, 2013 by headinthecloud
Author LolaMontez Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Thank you so much for that, headinthecloud. I'm not going to contact him. Whatever his reasons were for saying it's over, whether just out of anger, or if he really meant it, I will leave it to him to make any further contact. I just want to hear from him.
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