I messed up.. restarting the relationship

[legendary]

I'm not entirely sure where this post should go since I think there's a bit of everything in it, so I'm throwing it here. It's going to be kind of long, so bear with me.

 

My GF (24) and I (almost 27) have been dating for just over 2 years. We moved in together about a year ago. Our relationship was incredible, and we only had one real fight in the entire two years. Then all of a sudden, the day before Thanksgiving we got into our second fight, and it was really really bad. She was going to be out of town for work soon for a few weeks, and on one weekend she wanted to go to another city to meet up with coworkers and friends instead of flying home. I know there's a coworker in this city that she talks to way too much, and it makes me uncomfortable. I've secretly read some of their conversations (sorry ) and it's mostly about work, but I'm pretty sure he likes her (maybe it's all in my head). However, I was stupid and didn't even bring that up. I just told her that she was talking to her male coworkers too much in general even when we were together at home and I wasn't comfortable with her going somewhere else for the weekend. She reminded me that I know that she's told all her coworkers about me and introduced me to all of them, and she said that I could fly out there with her, but I didn't want to since I don't really have anything to do there. She offered to go back home for the weekend, but I told her I didn't want to restrict her, and she could do whatever she wants and she said she wants to go to the other city.

 

So then I used the "if you want to live this lifestyle, maybe it's better that you're single" line that has worked in the past to guilt trip her into picking me over work, but this time it backfired on me MAJORLY. It eventually led to her admitting to me (it felt like out of the blue at that time) that she felt like she lost the spark over the last few months, but didn't tell me because she wanted me to be happy. She feels like we moved in together too soon, and that we have no intrigue or secrets between each other. She thinks that I have become too needy, and the time we spend together was not quality time. We didn't go on enough dates and I wasn't trying hard enough to impress her. She noted that our sex life has been on the decline, and it's hard for her to get aroused by me. She said that she was worried for our relationship and that she took the travel project in the first place because she wanted us to spend some time apart to miss each other more.

 

I was pretty upset, and I basically ended up pressuring her to tell me whether or not she still wanted to be with me, and if not we should just break up here and now. She asked me if I wanted to be with her, and I said "yes" without hesitating and told her (more eloquently stated) how good she makes me feel. Then I asked her the same question again, and she said some good things about me, and that she loves me, but then said "I have to think about it. Give me some time." I thought.. well I'm screwed now, and of course she didn't decide before I had to leave town. So I ended up driving out by myself to go to my parents' for Thanksgiving (she stayed home, her parents are out of the country).

 

So I talked to a few of my friends, some who know both of us pretty well, and I came to the conclusion that I really f-ed up. So to give a little background, we met in college, and the first four months of our relationship was purely a honeymoon period. Then I found a job about 2 hours away and moved there. We did long distance for 10 months, and each time we saw each other it felt like the first time we started dating again. Then she found a job in my city, and moved in with me. We were so excited to finally be living together and to be able to see each other every day, and have a home to call ours. Everything was amazing for half a year, then apparently it went downhill, but I was too oblivious to realize it.

 

I was single for about a year before we started dating, and I was picking up girls pretty easily on campus and my confidence was sky high. Physically, I was in swimmer shape with a six-pack, and looked really good. I had a ton of friends in college, and between classes, job hunting and socializing, she had to put effort just to get time on my calendar. Then during the long distance period, either she or I would drive 2 hours almost every weekend to see each other. Sometimes I would give her a surprise visit on a weekday for her birthday/anniv/holiday and I'd stay until early the next morning and drive over 2 hours to work. She was literally jumping on me when I knocked on her door.

 

Fast forward another year, in the new city I've got a few friends, but after she moved in I really neglected them and I don't really hang out with anyone that's not a "couples friend" that we hang out with together. I was up to 45 pounds over my initial weight at one point, but I've lost 15 pounds since then, and I intend to get back in shape (for myself.) My hobbies are mostly indoor, and I come home at the same time every day to take care of our dog and then complain that she's coming home late. I realize now that my jealousy was just exuding insecurity. I work and study at night sometimes, and I'm pretty focused on moving up at work, but I really have no hobbies on my own anymore. My coworkers are all married with kids and don't hang out with each other. Basically she is my only close friend that I spend time with, so I guess I was smothering her. Both of us felt like we were living the married life, but I was comfortable with it, and she definitely wasn't.

 

So on her side, she was a naive college student and was pretty inexperienced at dating in that I'm the first bf she's had that's lasted longer than a year, but she is very attractive and has essentially had back-to-back boyfriends since high school and loads of guys asking her out all the time. After we met in school and she graduated, I helped her find a really good job in my city, and it's a really good fit for her. So it turns out that many of her coworkers are young and extroverted and they are all friends and hang out together outside of work. She has a pretty good circle of friends in her coworkers and seeing so many young single people not in a rush to get married and have kids has also made her think differently about our relationship. So yeah, I do feel like she has some "grass is greener" syndrome, since she's never really lived the single 20's life. I may have more of a settle down mentality, but I realize now that's no excuse to take her for granted.

 

Okay, and sorry for having such a long interlude, but she did end up calling me within 24 hours with her answer to the question. She basically told me that yes she loves me, but she couldn't continue on with the status quo, and that something had to change. She said that she knows I'm the one and she can see herself settling down with me and having a family in the future, but she is not ready right now. She suggested that I move out and we go back to seeing each other a few times a week at most. Then if the spark came back we'd keep going, but she warned me that if it didn't, we'd break up. I told her that I talked to some of my friends, and that I did realize I was spending too much time with her and that my quality as a boyfriend had deteriorated over the last year. I told her that I love her too and that I would do whatever it takes to reignite our relationship. We agreed that I could stay at home for now and we'd live in separate rooms while I'd look for a new apartment (will be about 30 min away, near my office). She also brought up her weekend trip that instigated the fight, and I said it was no problem and we agreed to have a Skype date while she was there. That was about it; we were both happy that our relationship was "continuing" and bid each other farewell.

 

We are both financially independent and have no problems maintaining our own properties and lives. I figure if she's going to start traveling for work regularly anyway, I would only see her on the weekends even if we lived together (not that I have that option). She's given me several examples of her coworkers who date other people who have very busy lives, and that somehow makes it work better. So while it's all a shocker to me, I'm glad we got it out while the relationship was still salvageable, although the solution is not optimal to me. This girl is incredibly beautiful, has the perfect body, incredibly smart, gentle and caring, gets along well with me, and I'm madly in love with her. I could go on about her attributes, but I honestly don't think it's statistically likely that I'll ever find someone better. I know that doesn't sound romantic or confident at all, but it's true. She's one-of-a-kind and I'm lucky to have even dated her. A few days ago I would have definitely thought that she'd be the more devastated one if we broke up, but I guess it's really the other way around.

 

So yeah, my questions is.. what do I do now? Do I move out and give her the space she wants and then try dating her from the start again? Do I need to end the relationship completely for there to be a chance for us to start over (aka is it too far gone?) I know I'll have to minimize contact; I've already vowed to myself not to initiate first contact unless I'm asking her out on a date. Fortunately we're usually both too busy at work to talk, so I only need to hold out on contacting her at night. I'm already putting the plans in motion to rekindle my old friendships, pick up some hobbies, and have my own life so I'm not relying on her to keep my time occupied.

 

Also, has anyone had any experience with this kind of thing? How long do I need to wait before I try again? Should I wait until I have my own life, or should I start while working on my own life. I guess I probably have to play it by ear, move too fast and she hasn't been away from me long enough to miss me. Wait too long and she may get over me. Also, where do we even start? I don't think the first date should be something really cheap like our first date as college kids, but I know I shouldn't take her to a 3 star Michelin restaurant either. At what point in our relationship do I start at? There has to be some chemistry on the first date, otherwise I'm going to leave a terrible "first impression" and it's not going to work. Also, how much do I communicate with her the process I'm going through to fix our relationship? I want to intrigue her, but I do want to avoid any avoidable misunderstandings by being too mysterious. Also, should I just try to recreate the feeling of when we were in the LDR and everything was good? Also, Christmas is soon, and I really don't want to see my parents again without her, but I don't want to push things on her so soon, but on the other hand if she's not missing me while being alone during Christmas, do I even have a shot? lol

 

Well, it's the middle of the night and I just can't fall asleep, so I'm thinking aloud on this internet forum I've never visited before. If you've read the whole thing, thanks so much for listening! It really got a lot off my chest just to type this out.

 

TL;DR: Live-in GF of 2 years has lost the spark, asked me to move out but is not ending the relationship. What should I do?

[legendary]

Oh, and one more thing. I was at a Thanksgiving party, and I purposefully pushed myself to socialize with the younger people there. I got the numbers of the two most attractive girls there (though they are college girls) I'm never going to call them (sorry!), but if worst comes to worst looks like I still have some game. Definitely a good confidence booster!

[Sparta]

Dude she already has moved on, She has already cheated on you. Everything in your story is just like a million others heartbreakers, Sorry to tell you the bad news buddy, If you need I would check e-mails, texts, phone longs. Sorry to be the guy that brought you the Bad news, but when hear a story like this one you just Know and before I was half way though it, I already knew she Has been cheating on you… It sucks but you need to find out so she doesn’t think she getting away with ****ing you Over. She is going along with all this bull**** that you both agreed to. Knowing full will that she just going to kick you to the curb… Please think about it, Your Gut feelings told you long ago… that something is not right.

[haribogumsnickers]

Do what you think is right for yourself and be prepared for anything. Expect nothing. If you messed up, clean it up. Restart the relationship with an open mind. And if things aren't working out for the both of you, then that will work out on its own.

[Knightosphere]

I agree with haribogumsnickers. Keep to yourself and if she loves you, she'll come back. otherwise pick yourself back up and move on.

[legendary]

Dude she already has moved on, She has already cheated on you. Everything in your story is just like a million others heartbreakers, Sorry to tell you the bad news buddy, If you need I would check e-mails, texts, phone longs. Sorry to be the guy that brought you the Bad news, but when hear a story like this one you just Know and before I was half way though it, I already knew she Has been cheating on you… It sucks but you need to find out so she doesn’t think she getting away with ****ing you Over. She is going along with all this bull**** that you both agreed to. Knowing full will that she just going to kick you to the curb… Please think about it, Your Gut feelings told you long ago… that something is not right.

 

Emotionally I guess, but physically I'm pretty sure she hasn't, the only guy I would have doubts about lives on the other side of the country. At worst, she was planning on cheating with him during the weekend we got into a fight about, but we've been together almost every night for the last year, I just don't see when it could have happened. Also, from what I've read in her messages, they don't talk like two people who have slept together...

 

But yes, if she has cheated, I will move on. I can't forgive someone for that because I will never do that myself.