paigej91 Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I wasn't sure if I should put this in the "second chances" or "dating" section. I think this section fits a little better given the situation. Last Sunday I saw this guy I used to be dating. We dated for ~4 months and stopped seeing each other because I started asking if he wanted to take things to the next level, and he sort-of got distant without completely rejecting me from his life. We went on several dates (like, 11-15) and didn't end on bad terms, but things just started to slow down once the question of whether or not we should be serious came into play (and naturally I was disappointed/a little frustrated). Now, I don't know for a solid *fact* if he had feelings for me because he doesn't say much about feelings, but we certainly got on fantastically both mentally/intellectually and physically while dating. So I think it's safe to say he likes my company in addition to physically/sexually. I saw him after not seeing him in about 3 months (though we did text occasionally- and he did say he missed me at one point). Seeing him was a bit more of a friendly/casual than a romantic vibe, but it wasn't awkward or anything. We went to watch a football game (my choice of activity) and caught up. I don't know if we're solely friends now or if it has a chance of developing into something more. He did pay for us (~$22 each- though he's always paid for me, even when I offer to pay). Aside from that, he made physical contact once and already texted me again about seeing me this week or this weekend, but I'm with my family the whole weekend. So he wanted to see me more than just once, it seems (not sure if it's for physical or dating reasons). Does this seem like a friendship thing? Or does this usually happen when a guy really still likes you and wants a second chance? Lastly, how should I approach this? (Give me details of experience if you have any).
elbe Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 You can make it anything you want, but decide before the date. If you want it to be more than friends than treat it as such. He will then either reciprocate or pull back.
haribogumsnickers Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 He didn't commit the first time around when he distanced himself. He's clearly not showing you enough because you're doubtful of his intent. Go on another date and kiss him. Tell him to man up.
Author paigej91 Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 You can make it anything you want, but decide before the date. If you want it to be more than friends than treat it as such. He will then either reciprocate or pull back. I'd really like to move things in a serious direction given that things are the same as (or even better than) before. For some reason (that I can only speculate on) he didn't seem to want to go in that direction before, so I'm honestly sort of hesitant/afraid. I can't "settle" for a pseudo-relationship or something "FWB-like". Everything is there for a relationship, and so I don't want to let an opportunity get away if he's changed. It's just a question of how to approach it on my end I guess.
elbe Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I'd really like to move things in a serious direction given that things are the same as (or even better than) before. For some reason (that I can only speculate on) he didn't seem to want to go in that direction before, so I'm honestly sort of hesitant/afraid. I can't "settle" for a pseudo-relationship or something "FWB-like". Everything is there for a relationship, and so I don't want to let an opportunity get away if he's changed. It's just a question of how to approach it on my end I guess. Go out with this guy again and make it very clear that you are on a date. Make moves on him, hold his hand/arm, see if he reciprocates. Go in for a kiss even at the end if you have the gull. If you don't want pseudo relationship/friendship then you need to go all out. You may be surprised that he likes it and is just afraid to make those moves himself. Alternatively, he will be forced to level with you and life can move on.
Author paigej91 Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 But one thing is for sure... you have to put zero pressure on this guy if you want him back. Don't talk about the future. Just be chill. Don't ask him how he feels about serious relationships or what he wants for awhile. Because when you did that the first time he majorly put the brakes on. I would go with the flow. Let him call you and set up the hanging out. Only text him if he texts you first, etc. Don't respond right away like you've been sitting around hoping he'd call. Etc. You don't want to be a doormat because then he will lose respect for you. Good luck! Caitlin Great advice, this is how I was thinking of approaching it. He's acting more like how he did when we first started dating the first time (ie: really nice, doing more work, etc.) so I'd take that as a good sign, but I'm more hesitant than the first time
BC1980 Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Don't ask him about the status of the relationship of anything like that. I would just let him initiate contact, and you will have your answer. Don't be exclusive with him unless he is the one to decide to commit. Don't put yourself in that position again. Just let it be, and, if he never shows signs of commitment, cut him loose at some point. 2
Author paigej91 Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) Totally. There's hope for you guys, but you have to take it slow and let him do the leg work. Just be your awesome self and if he doesn't take it to the next level himself after 6 months go by, THEN you can have *the conversation* with him. To see where he stands. Just be like, "I've given you so much time. You know I really love you, and I can tell you love me back. If you're not ready then this is it and I need to go find somebody who is ready to be serious and start a life with me." And be prepared to walk away, and also be prepared to not feel bad about "wasting time" on him. Because what you're doing is not wasting time. It's giving something a legitimate chance. If you eventually have to walk away, it's important that you understand that everything was your decision. It will minimize the hurt feelings. Best of luck and I hope you guys make it! Caitlin We went anything BUT fast last time, and it's... complicated. Is going even slower better? I wasn't planning on initiating much, I was merely going to respond to what he's doing (but be friendly, not stoic). I'm more worried about how to handle a situation where we end up at his apartment or mine. I don't plan on sleeping with him unless he says/shows he has serious intentions (maybe even until he is). Otherwise I could just get hurt. Talking about it directly seems like a bad idea though unless he initiates it. Edited December 3, 2013 by paigej91
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Men just have no interest in merely being your friend. His interest should indicate what he wants... but your responsibility is making it clear what you want... whether that be on a romantic level, or on a purely sexual level. Fair to say that he's back around because he at least wants back into your pants. Now perhaps you could measure his interest even more by withholding that invitation, just to see whether his seeming interest wanes.
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