gabgab Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months officially and he used to text me every few days for the first 3-4 months of dating. I didn't make him do all the work, I initiated sometimes too. Now, our schedule is we see each other once on the weekends where i spend the night one night (usually Fri night into Sat evening then I leave) and once during the week for like 4 hours after we finish working (always on Tuesdays). Now, he NEVER texts me inbetween unless its to confirm plans. I now have been texting him first all he time for the past 2 months...but sometimes he takes awhile to respond and then doesn't respond after my 2nd message after that. The last 2 weeks I have purposefully not texted him at all to see if he'd reach out and he didn't text me at all for the 3 days inbetween us seeing each other each time. Is this normal behavior of men getting comfortable? He's a good boyfriend in person so I don't know if Im overreacting. I don't need texts all the time or even everyday, but its weird that he can go for 3 days without talking to me inbetween seeing each other (sometimes we confirm plans before I leave his house, so I guess he sees no reason to talk to me?).
NoMoreJerks Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 (edited) No, it's not about getting comfortable. Lack of communication is exactly that: lack of communication; something that used to exist and isn't there anymore and there IS a good reason for why it's not there, and I don't think getting comfortable is one of those. Honestly, communication is essential in a relationship and if him getting comfortable = drop in communications, then he is just not cut for a relationship or you two are not compatible in your communication styles. IMO (without knowing him and the dynamics between you two, etc.): He is not that interested and/or has someone else in the wings.. This is about taking you for granted, not about getting comfortable. There's a big difference between the two, IMO. I did the same with my ex after noticing an almost complete drop in communications (where I was initiating all the communications and he took ages to reply) -- I stopped texting/calling, and he didn't text/call me for a week. When I brought it up, he turned it against me and yelled at me for being so demanding. It was ridiculous and he was gaslighting me. He was apparently busy courting his ex-gf, as I found out later. *shrug* I am not saying this is the case for you (my ex was not a good bf -- in fact he never even considered himself my bf!) -- if your bf treats you well, it might be something else, OR, he might be interested in someone else behind your back and is putting the effort into that. If you put your energies into something, other stuff that you used to do, will naturally suffer from lack of attention, and this is what happens and how people often get discovered for cheating, because they can't maintain 2 relatonships at the same time and do all the secrecy stuff that would allow them not to get discovered... No matter what, though, trust your gut feeling. It usually is never wrong... i know mine never was.. even though my ex made a huge effort to make me not trust my gut feeling and make me think I was actually imagining things. Honestly, the way I see your current dynamics as described: you're just serving as his f*ck buddy/friends with benefits. Going off to see him after work once a week, and once during the weekend, to satisfy his sexual needs, and maybe even companionship needs... in return, what do you get? The same thing he gets, and while he might be satisfied with what HE is getting, you clearly are not, because you want a normal relationship, not some sort of bizarre friends-with-benefits arrangement where he's so hands-off and doesn't exist in your life aside from those 2 days where you see each other briefly... Edited November 29, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
pyramid Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months officially and he used to text me every few days for the first 3-4 months of dating. I didn't make him do all the work, I initiated sometimes too. Now, our schedule is we see each other once on the weekends where i spend the night one night (usually Fri night into Sat evening then I leave) and once during the week for like 4 hours after we finish working (always on Tuesdays). Now, he NEVER texts me inbetween unless its to confirm plans. I now have been texting him first all he time for the past 2 months...but sometimes he takes awhile to respond and then doesn't respond after my 2nd message after that. The last 2 weeks I have purposefully not texted him at all to see if he'd reach out and he didn't text me at all for the 3 days inbetween us seeing each other each time. Is this normal behavior of men getting comfortable? He's a good boyfriend in person so I don't know if Im overreacting. I don't need texts all the time or even everyday, but its weird that he can go for 3 days without talking to me inbetween seeing each other (sometimes we confirm plans before I leave his house, so I guess he sees no reason to talk to me?). Gabgab... it doesn't really matter if it's him getting comfortable, if he's losing interest, or if it's just his personality. If it doesn't make you happy, then it's not a good fit. I just ended a relationship where the situation was eerily similar (even down to the Tuesday night thing, lol) and although we were both open about the communication gap and tried to compromise (him on reaching out more than was natural, and me on being ok w/o regular contact) we were just unable to reach a common ground that worked for both of us. It was hard to admit to myself that it wasn't working out, because everything was fantastic in person, but I was so anxious and insecure in between that it wasn't a healthy situation.
ken_25 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 It's a red flag, he's either pretty insecure and/or lacks confidence himself or isn't that into you. Those are the more likely reasons in my opinion. It could be something where his friends or someone is giving him advice to act like this. I personally would just ask about it, and then I'd go with my gut instinct from there.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 It's normal for men to gravitate away into a comfort zone where communication dies down a bit, men don't need a constant harassment of texts and checking up on to feel connected or bonded in a relationship, they're fine with downtime in fact they like it that way that's why they don't attach themselves to your hip while away and pay attention to other things like their own lives, hobbies, friends interests etc.. However with that being said, that would be fine on it's own if you were seeing each other often enough...so the real problem is the arrangement you have in seeing each other...friday night into saturday night, same consistent days and schedules and only hours on another day...that's a FWB scenario and sounds like he might have other girls on the side. If he was really into you he'd be seeing you every opportunity he got, if this has been the pattern ever since you've been dating him then he's never hit that point from the sound of it and I wouldn't count on it, if it doesn't happen early on it doesn't happen...most guys will be one way when around you, that's nothing to make a determination off that's how a lot of guys play the field anyway. I just believe he isn't into you...but like most women you need more proof and reasons to leave, so talk to him I guess but I think his unfiltered actions without you nagging him is showing how he really feels about you and that's what you need to look at with men...not what you can make them do by making them feel bad, guilty or pressured into it. I don't know how you've done this kind of schedule for six months, even with the communication...guess it's worth it to you. Any guy can be a good boyfriend for one day and 4 hours a freakin weak...if not you fail hard as a man. 3
hearttopieces Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Sometimes it is difficult to decide whether a person is not really into you, or if his behavior is due to personality. How old is your boyfriend? And what job does he do? People can get very introverted and content after being single and living on their own for a few years. What may help is creating a situation that will make him become more involved in your life, but does not require more communication. Perhaps ask him to meet your family, or do something very personal together, like visiting a grandparent's grave or something similar (sorry for saying that). See if he shows willingness. Six months dating should be long enough for him to show if he is serious about you.
hotpotato Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 He doesnt sound very excited about you. Is that what you want? My first thought was that he is seeing someone else. 1
WrinkledForehead Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Its important that communication styles match. If his are lacking and you'd like more, speak up. Ask for what you want in your R's. It sounds to me like its either this, or he's not digging you as much and doesn't have the balls to say as much.
Zahara Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Hmm...I would say that if I was into someone, especially if I saw them on such a limited schedule, I'd at least want to know how their day was, what they did, hear their voice, etc. Even if not to call, at least a text to check in. I'm thinking he's not very interested but interested enough to keep it going so he has you to fulfill whatever he needs. I'd suggest you talk to him and tell him what you need. It doesn't matter whether he's comfortable....you aren't.
MrMeh Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) It seems people are talking about differing personalities and proclivities as an excuse, but if you two differ to the point in which one of you is truly baffled about the other's intentions then I think it's a problem. I would have said maybe you possibly have a stronger affection for him, but it seems like that should have been dealt with already. Also, stop playing games. You are in a relationship, not a tryst ( though it seem like it.) Edited December 3, 2013 by MrMeh
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