Does romantic stuff never work?

[Kevin_D]

I get the basics. If my girlfriend had decided to end it, begging her to come back want change her mind. Instead, she loses respect for me, since I'm obviously trying to convince her that her (lack of) feelings doesn't matter.

 

If I give her space, she'll may or may not begin to miss me. Bad memories will fade away after the first weeks, while the good ones remain.

 

But here's the thing: If it seems as I don't care at all after 6 years together, doesn't it sort of confirm that the relationship was dying? If I try to convince her, she pushes me away even further. But are they always more likely to come back if you act as you don't care?

 

For example, let's say I do something like this:

 

I get my life together. Get a new job, exercise more, buy new clothes, hang out with my friend etc., so that everyone can see that I'm trying my best to move on and live a happy life.

 

I then write and record a song about how much I miss her and upload it to Internet (without sending it to her). If she then finds it by accident, which she'll probably do sooner or later since they always get curious during NC, will this make her miss me more or miss me less?

 

My theory here is, if a girl finally had decided to break up with her boyfriend after 6 years and tell her friends about, she's going to act strong no matter how much she misses him. But if I do some DHV so that even her friends think that I'm a cool dude, it would be easier to get back. Because then she could say:

 

"He's improved, he respected my decision to break up but he still loves me".

 

Could there be positive effects of planting seeds like this?

[todreaminblue]

I get the basics. If my girlfriend had decided to end it, begging her to come back want change her mind. Instead, she loses respect for me, since I'm obviously trying to convince her that her (lack of) feelings doesn't matter.

 

If I give her space, she'll may or may not begin to miss me. Bad memories will fade away after the first weeks, while the good ones remain.

 

But here's the thing: If it seems as I don't care at all after 6 years together, doesn't it sort of confirm that the relationship was dying? If I try to convince her, she pushes me away even further. But are they always more likely to come back if you act as you don't care?

 

For example, let's say I do something like this:

 

I get my life together. Get a new job, exercise more, buy new clothes, hang out with my friend etc., so that everyone can see that I'm trying my best to move on and live a happy life.

 

I then write and record a song about how much I miss her and upload it to Internet (without sending it to her). If she then finds it by accident, which she'll probably do sooner or later since they always get curious during NC, will this make her miss me more or miss me less?

 

My theory here is, if a girl finally had decided to break up with her boyfriend after 6 years and tell her friends about, she's going to act strong no matter how much she misses him. But if I do some DHV so that even her friends think that I'm a cool dude, it would be easier to get back. Because then she could say:

 

"He's improved, he respected my decision to break up but he still loves me".

 

Could there be positive effects of planting seeds like this?

 

 

no contact doesnt help any relationship get better it drags them apart ....for a reason.....deb

[Kevin_D]

no contact doesnt help any relationship get better it drags them apart ....for a reason.....deb

 

But it seems to be the general advice to make your ex miss you?

[strive]

There is no sure fire way in winning your ex back. So let's say she starts missing you, but that doesn't mean she wants to be in an RS with you.

 

NC and self improvement is for YOU not your ex.

 

But you know, I think you should do it. Try and get your life back together. Write and record a song even. The best creative works are done by people who are driven by strong emotions. Live your life and be happy. And by the time you reached that goal, you won't care if she misses you or not.

[Kevin_D]

There is no sure fire way in winning your ex back. So let's say she starts missing you, but that doesn't mean she wants to be in an RS with you.

 

NC and self improvement is for YOU not your ex.

 

But you know, I think you should do it. Try and get your life back together. Write and record a song even. The best creative works are done by people who are driven by strong emotions. Live your life and be happy. And by the time you reached that goal, you won't care if she misses you or not.

 

Yeah, for some reason, I've been a lot more creative the last few weeks. Perhaps she won't care, but if write some great songs, start performing again, it might attract other girls in the process. This will boost my confidence and make things easier.

 

Also, when I write songs about my feelings, I don't feel the urge to call her.

[strive]

I posted this on a different thread, but I think you should also watch this valuable advice. Essentially, when things are ****, Make Good Art.

 

3 Words I Wish I'd Heard When My Boyfriend Cheated On Me

[Kevin_D]

I posted this on a different thread, but I think you should also watch this valuable advice. Essentially, when things are ****, Make Good Art.

 

3 Words I Wish I'd Heard When My Boyfriend Cheated On Me

 

Well, of course it's Neil Gaiman, my ex' favourite author. I just can't escape, can I?

 

Though it reminds me of the time she forced me to watch Stardust with her and my first thought was "What the hell?! Does she really like this crap?". Heck, I watched every single Harry Potter movie with her. I can't say I miss that. And of course she refused to watch anything made by Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, and considered all movies from the 20th century "old".

 

But Neil is absolutely right. I couldn't write a single song I was happy with during our years together. I thought I had lost my talent, but suddenly it's back.

 

And now when I think of it... she never looked me in the eyes and said "Wow, you're so great". She never played my songs for her friends. She usually didn't even listen to them.

 

Am I about to enter the anger phase now?

[strive]

Omg! I'm so sorry I had no idea

 

At least now you have a lot of juice for you creative outlet. Some people here in LS says that the anger stage is the best because it makes you go out and do stuff! I think you're on the right path and will do just fine.

[Kevin_D]

No, worries.

 

In fact you reminded me of things that I don't like very much about her.

[StyleOnEm]

A missing her song? That is cringe-worthy and definitely NOT a dhv.

 

Think about it like this: If you remain NC, instead of her thinking "Oh, he's not dropping hints that he misses me, therefore it confirms our relationship wasn't as solid"... she will most likely think "My gosh, did I mean anything to him? Does he still think about me? Is he seeing someone else?" The less she knows, the better. And since she broke up with you, and assuming she still has feelings for you, she will make the effort to contact you first.

[Kevin_D]

A missing her song? That is cringe-worthy and definitely NOT a dhv.

 

Think about it like this: If you remain NC, instead of her thinking "Oh, he's not dropping hints that he misses me, therefore it confirms our relationship wasn't as solid"... she will most likely think "My gosh, did I mean anything to him? Does he still think about me? Is he seeing someone else?" The less she knows, the better. And since she broke up with you, and assuming she still has feelings for you, she will make the effort to contact you first.

 

I don't agree on this one. Lost love is a very powerful theme. It connects people, because everyone can relate to it. If enough people start listening to it, it will most certainly count as DHV, at least among other women.

[r321148]

I wouldn't say they never work but it depends on circumstances.

Often they seem a good idea in your eyes but cringeworthy in the eyes of the other partner. Your good intentions may be seen as a desperate ploy or an annoyance.

If she has resolved that she wants nothing to do with you and is trying to move on then romantic gestures are likely to just annoy her.

If the breakup was amicable and there are doubts then it MIGHT be more successful? Again it would depend on the people and circumstances involved.

 

No contact isn't really a way to get your ex back it's just usually the best solution. It stops you saying things to the other partner that will drive you further apart when emotions are raw and it gives you both time to work on yourselves. It can help you see the relationship more clearly and reflect on what it is that went wrong and whether it is really what you wanted anyway.

I don't think there is a surefire way to get your ex back and make it last other than them coming to the decision that they made a mistake. They will do this in their own time and their own way and of course it may never happen. This is why NC is best. It stops you waiting around for something that might not happen. I think you using it as a way that her friends can see you appear to be moving on is a mistake. It shouldn't be done for her benefit, it should be for yours. If it all fails and she decides she doesn't want you anyway then how much time will you have wasted on putting up a front? If you actually start moving on with things and do all of that for you then if she comes back it is a nice bonus....that way you haven't wasted time as even if she doesn't you're in a better place.

 

Essentially there comes a point though where you have to do what you think suits your situation best. If you think that is writing a song then go ahead. Just make sure :

She is what you actually want

You have worked on what drove you apart

She has worked on what drove you apart

You can handle the possibility of it not being as well received as you hope

 

Good luck

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't agree on this one. Lost love is a very powerful theme. It connects people, because everyone can relate to it. If enough people start listening to it, it will most certainly count as DHV, at least among other women.

 

This works in movies, not so much in real life though.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Romantic stuff is for when you are trying to woo someone new, and showing appreciation for the person you are with. "With" being a key word.

 

A girl who is running away from you will not appreciate these things. They will probably give her a negative feeling and you lose even more.

 

Romantic movies don't always realistically show how a fleeing woman would feel if you chase her, stand outside her window at night with a boom box, write her a song, sing her a song, remind her of that time you guys had fun, send flowers to her work, etc.

[sun1972]

I am not convinved NC is always the best way to get someone back.. i think it depends on the circumstances of the break, and the personalities of the person.

 

I am convinced that in many cases you CAN reconcile through LC, and projecting the happy, confident person they fell in love with and reminding them of the good times you had together (thats how i started chat, digging up pics of trips together etc).

 

2 caveats though

 

1) If you make up too soon without fixing issues, it will happen again a little way down the line

 

2) If the person simply doesnt want you anymore, its best to just move on, via NC

[thora-tiki]

Kevin_D wrote:

But here's the thing: If it seems as I don't care at all after 6 years together,

doesn't it sort of confirm that the relationship was dying?

 

Dying? Bahaha!

 

Buddy, the relationship is fu*king dead - no «was» about that.

 

This is fine, let the old failed relationship die.

 

You are still in the mourning stage of your breakup - in time you will realise that your old relationship is dead,

and nothing you can do will bring it back, and then you will move on.

 

You will finally let it go.

So that a new one can emerge (either with Miss Potter as I call your ex, or a new future girlfriend).

 

So what if she is thinking this or that:

«He doesn't care, since he isn't outside my window with a fu*king boom box over his head.

Or writing me songs and making youtube video, of course I won't listen to, since I have not evolved,

so I'll never listen to it or see the song or even know it exists.»

The worst thing you can do during no contact and you evolution is look too far ahead.

 

It will fu*k up everything.

 

You are having these thoughts, negative thoughts ^ because you haven't personally evolved.

 

Focus on you and your evolution.

 

You will be surprised how you can change.

 

You wrote:

For example, let's say I do something like this:

 

I get my life together. Get a new job, exercise more, buy new clothes, hang out with my friend etc., so that everyone can see that I'm trying my best to move on and live a happy life.

 

For example, what about really evolving?

If you write that song about missing her, for her, you will just undo all the hard work,

and show that it was all an act, the:

I get my life together. Get a new job, exercise more, buy new clothes, hang out with my friend etc., so that everyone can see that I'm trying my best to move on and live a happy life.

 

Since you have not really evolved past the break up, let go and moved on.

She has proof, your: I miss you song.

 

Eughblegh!

 

You wrote:

Though it reminds me of the time she forced me to watch Stardust with her and my first thought was "What the hell?! Does she really like this crap?". Heck, I watched every single Harry Potter movie with her. I can't say I miss that. And of course she refused to watch anything made by Roman Polanski or Woody Allen, and considered all movies from the 20th century "old".

 

and

 

Am I about to enter the anger phase now?

 

Yes, and you are starting to evolving past the break up, and letting go of the past failed relationship.

 

Wondering about your ex's feelings is a waste of energy.

 

Let the past go, and focus on the future, your future as a happy single person.

 

Get your life back, and then decide (without the love goggles, the ones you are fu*king finally taking off) if she is even worth the thoughts and feelings.

 

You are starting to see her for who she really was:

Someone not that compatible.

 

Maybe she can evolve to someone that is supporting of you and your music and someone that wants to watch Roman Polanski or Woody Allen movies, and don't considered all movies from the 20th century old.

 

But right now, she is not that someone.

 

She is still old un-evolved Miss Potter.

 

You are coming down from a high, buddy.

Like withdrawal from a drug, a break up is withdrawal from a person -

and it is hard to see past this.

 

You will crave your drug - old un-evolved Miss Potter - for a long time.

It is normal to think (obsessively) about her

as your brain searches to get its fix of love hormones. Hah!

 

Make a pros and cons list - it is a good start.

And a good exercise to do many times during no contact,

since the list will change for the better or worst with time.

 

It will help you evolve.

 

Then make another list.

Make a list over what you want and need in a girl and a relationship.

 

Then compare lists.

Does Miss Potter, as she is now = old un-evolved Miss Potter,

really want what you want?

 

Do you really miss someone that didn't want the same things you wanted in a relationship:

she wanted to break up, you wanted to be a couple.

Do you really miss someone that didn't support you (listened to your songs, played your songs)?

Didn't like the same things you did?

Do you miss watching Godawful movies?

 

Look at both lists every time you begin to have withdrawal or miss old un-evolved Miss Potter.

 

This is gold, I think, to remember that every time you hear or think of old un-evolved Miss Potter

before she and you are evolved, just think of it like this:

 

«Oh, no, I don't want to think of or miss or use my energy, or even read a text

(if she texts or contacts you in a any way during no contact) from the imposter = old un-evolved Miss Potter.

 

I was hoping it would be from new evolved Miss Potter.

 

Alas, I still can't answer her or reconnect with her or write her a song, that would be crazy, since she is still old un-evolved Miss Potter.»

 

Yes, like a horror film, hah, old un-evolved Miss Potter is the one being possessed by the demon,

like in the exorcist.

Or the first to have the alien in his/her stomach

like in Alien.

Hah!

 

You get the picture.

How do you know Miss Potter has or hasn't evolved?

 

Just look at your calendar, anything under 6 months (of no contact) = not evolved =

contact from old un-evolved Miss Potter.

 

Maybe the NEW evolved Miss Potter wants to watch the same movies as you do, or at least give your movie choices a go, listen to your songs, commit, be supportive, and forget the past, start fresh, no agenda, no doubt.

But the girl that you are longing for right now, etc. before you both evolve,

is still the old un-evolved Miss Potter.

 

Remember that.

 

Using no contact to get your life back will not drive your ex away.

 

It will however drive old un-evolved Miss Potter away.

Yay!

And make room for new evolved Miss Potter (or a new girl)!

Hurrah!

 

No contact teaches patience, and patience builds character.

 

When enough time has passed, you will (hopefully) both be evolved,

and then you follow the chapter 6 in the magic of making up, if you want to reconnect by that time.

PM me your e-mail address, or post your e-mail address in your thread and I can mail you the e-book the magic of making up, if you want a copy.

[BlametheIrish]

If she made it a point to never listen to your musiic I think its safe t ssay that she didn't like it. If she we're into your music she definitely would have made her friends listen to it at skme point. Im sure a song written by an artist she never liked musically and now doesnt even want to date will annoy her more than win her back.

 

That being said I write and record sings when I'm sad/mad/frustrated/ happy, you name it. Ragging on.my guitar is a great de stresser. Write all the songs you want, play them at some open mic night ffor fun. If they're any good I'm sure some cuties in the audience will let you know.

 

Gpod luck OP.

[Kevin_D]

I will never find anyone who have the exact taste in music and movies. And actually, I wouldn't like that either. It this is the biggest problem in a relationship, I think I have a pretty good deal.

 

I would consider myself as someone who sees things rather clearly. In previous relationships, even though that I've loved those girls, I've always been able to tell that:

- We're not a perfect match

- She's getting colder and will dump me eventually

 

In this case, there were literally no warning signs. Everything was close to perfect. She would agree, our friends would agree and our families would agree. In fact, the only complaint she had about the relationship was that she wanted to hang out EVEN MORE.

 

She was the girl who would save the wrapping from a candybar I bought her. This was not during the honeymoon stage, this was a month ago. That's the thing. I'm even more confused now a few weeks later. Because there were NO signs. She called me all the time, she wanted to be with me and she told me how strongly she felt every day. And our sex life was getting better.

 

Then suddenly, one day, out of the blue, all she could remember was the bad times. And yeah, you may tell me that this is G.R.I.S and that the explanation doesn't matter.

 

Though I'm becoming more and more convince that she's bipolar. I've read a lot about relationships with bipolar people and how they act when usually act they break up, and it was spot on. But since the problem always seem to be that they can't handle the "pressure", the only thing I can do is to give her space.

 

I can honestly say, that apart from occasional fights (and of course how she has treated me the last weeks, she has offered me everything I wanted from a girl. I mean, when her "weak" traits are stuff like she wouldn't wear leather boots with stiletto heels outside the bedroom, it's hard to get any comfort from those lists. I guess it could be fun with someone who enjoys my music more though.

 

But I'll continue writing my songs, because I do it mostly for myself anyway. It makes me feel proud of myself, and that boosts my confidence. If she finds it and thinks it about her, It's really her problem, not mine.

[Sugarkane]

I think she had bad taste if she thought Stardust (Claire Danes movie?) is better than watching Woody Allen or Roman Polanski! She sounds very young if she considers this "old".

[Kevin_D]

I think she had bad taste if she thought Stardust (Claire Danes movie?) is better than watching Woody Allen or Roman Polanski! She sounds very young if she considers this "old".

 

Haha, yes. But the thing is, I really didn't care. I think that having different taste in movies and music can be a good thing. This gives her a reason to hang out with her friends, while I watch sports with my friends.

 

I think the most important thing is that you have fun together. And we did. Almost every day.

 

I've seen my friends have relationships that have been going nowhere. I've had them myself. But this felt so different. I can't put my finger on it.

 

I don't believe in destiny or true love, but I do believe that neither me or her will find someone that we will be happier with.

[nevergoodenough]

How old are you? How old is she? Where are you from? You seem to have this girl on a pedestal

[nevergoodenough]

How old are you? How old is she? Where are you from? You seem to have this girl on a pedestal

 

This question was for OP