Today I give thanks

[Smarter_Now]

I have been coming here to read on and off for the past year and I have finally found the courage to share my experience as the OW. I am sharing today because I am “thankful,” for so very much.

 

I had a two year affair with a MM. I was also married, though separated and not sharing a home with my husband. I was just like the majority of the OW who post here. I thought our affair was unique, we were in love, nothing could keep us apart . . . the “affair fog” was in full tilt, as it were.

 

Then his wife found out.

 

I was thrown under the bus with a vengeance and never heard another word from him. That was 13 months ago. I never tried to contact him and quietly went away. I took two weeks off from work and cried for days – sometimes until I would vomit. I sought counseling which was a god-send. As I started to heal, the fog started to lift. It was amazing how clear my thinking became when I was not spending every second thinking of him, waiting for him, planning the next time I could see him, etc. My time was mine again.

 

As the pain slowly subsided my common sense kicked back in. The smart and capable woman who existed before the affair was slowly coming back into being. Then I started to think about and question much of what he told me while we were together. Instead of pining away for the man I thought he was and wanted him to be. I started to question his motivesI questioned every word that came out of his mouth. He had a rationalization for everything – including his online aliases, etc.

 

Then I started searching. . . I knew some of the aliases he used. He changed emails with me, more than once during our affair; with explanations like, “I am getting too much junk mail, etc.” I save the old addresses. Yep – you can probably see where this is going. . .

 

When I started to dig I found he had profiles on most of the free dating sights using the aliases – including not one, but TWO profiles on the “famous cheating site!” He had at least three Twitter accounts with just one woman on them – I am sure these women believed, they too, were exclusive in some way.

 

He was on marriage number two. He admitted to me he cheated on his first wife. Before the second marriage he shared with me that he slept with married women, and he is now cheating on wife number two.

 

Yet. . . I thought I was special, that our affair was like nothing else.

 

Today I am thankful that –

 

He threw me under the bus

That I was forced to move on

That he is not my lying, cheating spouse

That I could afford counseling

That I learned from this

That I am not the one reconciling with him

That I am free to move on and find a healthy love relationship

That my self-esteem is back and I know and I deserve better

That I did not get what I wished for

[Ruffian1]

Just curious, how do you feel about your husband now?

[Smarter_Now]

Our divorce will be final in February, 2014. My husband and I have had a very rocky marriage for many years. We were separated the entire time I had the affair. My husband did not have (that I know of) affairs as the MM did I was involved with. However, my husband hurt me in other ways that were just as detrimental - I hope you understand, I wont go into details. To answer your question: I put them both in the same category, just for different reasons.

 

I have no man in my life right now. This is my time to heal and grow so I do a better job "picking" if I chose to have a next time.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It takes time to get back to "where you were" so to speak. I would never have imagined that it would take me as long as it did to really heal. I had a lot of external forces that caused the healing to be delayed, but nevertheless it has taken a great deal of time to get to where I am and even begin to see xmom for who he really is and it took a conversation with a family friend only recently to truly shed light on his narcissistic, selfish behavior. I'm glad your "awakening" happened sooner than mine.

 

Good luck on your journey.

[C00kie]

Guess it's true what they say: "be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it all..."

 

I am happy for you and glad you were able to drag yourself out of this. I am still in the middle of that journey, maybe a bit far away from my main goal, and maybe with a few falls ahead, but definitely on my way!

 

It's sad however. The pain, the wondering, wanting to make sensem rethinking everything, every word said...it seemed like a such a beautiful love story, like I would be the exception, now it doesn't anymore...it's so very sad.

 

But let's focus on the good - our time being ours again. Feeling happy again or at least trying to do so! I still love him deeply but...I'm trying to save myself from this nonsense, i'm trying to be calm and happy...I deserve to.