Charlie8813 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I had previously written on here about suspecting my boyfriend was still married and, well, confirmed. He talked me into going to couples therapy and long story short I'm pathetic and am still in the relationship! They are separated, I mean his daughter visits him at his place and everything. A while back I told him he needed to tell her about me because I was a part of his life and more importantly their daughters life. So he told me that he told her but I've since come across so many unbelievable things (like she mailed out holiday cards from the "family", oh AND he bought her a $3500 Louis Vuitton purse and she bought him a tag watch... He's told me none of this by the way) that I highly doubt anything he says is true. So, obviously I'm out. My question is, does she deserve to know that he's not been faithful during the not even legal separation? I'm not trying to hurt her by any means, in fact I'm rooting for her. I feel like everyone deserves to know the truth. So if I should tell her, what is the best and most mature way to go about it? I have her contact info. Any help would be so wonderful!!
winny Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I had previously written on here about suspecting my boyfriend was still married and, well, confirmed. He talked me into going to couples therapy and long story short I'm pathetic and am still in the relationship! They are separated, I mean his daughter visits him at his place and everything. A while back I told him he needed to tell her about me because I was a part of his life and more importantly their daughters life. So he told me that he told her but I've since come across so many unbelievable things (like she mailed out holiday cards from the "family", oh AND he bought her a $3500 Louis Vuitton purse and she bought him a tag watch... He's told me none of this by the way) that I highly doubt anything he says is true. So, obviously I'm out. My question is, does she deserve to know that he's not been faithful during the not even legal separation? I'm not trying to hurt her by any means, in fact I'm rooting for her. I feel like everyone deserves to know the truth. So if I should tell her, what is the best and most mature way to go about it? I have her contact info. Any help would be so wonderful!! Don't do anything. Just get out of this toxic thing ASAP. 1
Author Charlie8813 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Sorry? I did enter the relationship completely unaware he had a wife! He told me he was divorced!
fixing Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Write her a letter. Its the write thing to do. Than leave that sorry SOB and never look back.
Author Charlie8813 Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 I must have explained the situation terribly. The price of the gift isn't what matters, it's that they are giving each other wish lists and exchanging presents! Frankly if it wasn't something he hid from me, I'd be willing to chalk it up to "good for them being able to remain friends." As for this me not knowing she's perfectly aware of me thing... That was part of my point... He SAID he told her but there is so much that indicates that he actually didn't tell her that now I feel like I'm not dating a man who's separated from his wife and has clear boundaries set in place.. More like I'm a mistress and maybe they hit a rough spot and decided to take some time apart, but not move on.
Author Charlie8813 Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 What a mess. Very reaffirming that leaving was right. I don't know that anyone cares at this point but I have to explain. When I wrote my initial post I had zero clue he was still married (he looked me straight in the face and didn't even hesitate). Because they were divorced, so I thought, I had never really thought anything of him telling her about me until it got to the point where I felt like a "secret" which I wasn't okay with. So he told me she freaked out when he told her so he scheduled a therapy appt for them to come to an agreement on what my relationship with their daughter would look like. I had no reason not to believe him.. Sounded like a very likely story. For the week leading up to their therapy appt he said he would respect her wishes and spend alone time with his daughter. Again, I didn't question any of this. So they have their session and in allowed to be around their daughter again. So here are the kickers. First, I later found out he was actually still married, and she still wears her ring. Second, they did go to therapy, TO DISCUSS THEIR RELATIONSHIP, not to discuss me. Oh, and for the week I "wasn't allowed to see her... He was having family dinners with them. I feel like I'm being bombarded with all these truths that I did not for a second think could have been anything but the truth!
Author Charlie8813 Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 I have a lot of guilt over thinking she was this "enemy" for way too long when in reality she's the most innocent of us all. I truly do not want to cause anymore damage, I just wondered if the right thing to do was reach out to her in someway. However if that would cause more harm than good I am completely fine walking away.
D-Lish Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 When my exH and I separated, we did so on relatively good terms- despite the fact that he was having an affair. We were heading in the direction of a separation when I found out he had been having an affair. That put the wheels in motion, something we had been putting off for a while because I don't think either of us wanted to admit defeat. As soon as the affair came to light (he got her pregnant and she called me)- I put the house on the market and went to a lawyer. Once the dust settled a bit, and the hurt and anger subsided, we remained quite friendly. He returned home once every couple of weeks (he was working in another country at the time- where he met the OW). We had a lot to do to get the house in order- so he'd come home when he could, and we'd work on painting, projects, separating our stuff, working with the same lawyer to get our finances and separation stuff done together. He slept in a separate room and nothing physical ever happened between us during those visits. Neither of us told anyone what was going on for quite a long time. It was very sad for both of us because we had a lot of love for one another, it's just that after 10 years, it had shifted from a romantic love, to a platonic one. The day before our house closed, we spent the day moving all of our furniture that we split, cleaning up. We moved two mattress's to the ground floor at the end of the day, and we stayed up and talked, cried a lot, I was taking our dogs, so it was a night for him to say his goodbyes to them. It was a necessary break up, but a sad one nonetheless. He moved on to marry that OW, and have 2 more children- he is very happy now, and I am very happy for him. I guess my point of the story is that it seems like they are having a hard time saying good-bye to one another. It happens. My ex and I remained "separated" for 2 years after that, even though he had a child with her. We still remained in friendly contact with regard to legal matters and exchanges related to our dogs. We had some investments together that had tanked, so we mutually decided to hold on to those. You've met a guy that is still in turmoil. Not the ideal time to meet someone. I truly don't believe that legal separation means someone is off-limits, but you have to approach it with an awareness that there is going to be unfinished business. If they have children together, their business will never be unfinished. If you're being introduced to the family- he's not hiding you. If you're being introduced to his teenage daughter, he's definitely not hiding you. The gifts seem a little extreme- are you sure you're getting the right information?
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 What a mess. Very reaffirming that leaving was right. I don't know that anyone cares at this point but I have to explain. When I wrote my initial post I had zero clue he was still married (he looked me straight in the face and didn't even hesitate). A man looked into your eyes and lied....get out of town! Because they were divorced, so I thought, I had never really thought anything of him telling her about me until it got to the point where I felt like a "secret" which I wasn't okay with. Let me guess, it took a while to figure that out in spite of feeling awkwardly and conveniently ignored for some time correct? So he told me she freaked out when he told her so he scheduled a therapy appt for them to come to an agreement on what my relationship with their daughter would look like. I had no reason not to believe him.. Sounded like a very likely story. For the week leading up to their therapy appt he said he would respect her wishes and spend alone time with his daughter. Again, I didn't question any of this. So they have their session and in allowed to be around their daughter again. Are you freakin kidding me? you think an entire family is going to go to therapy to discuss the likes of you? what are you smoking? give me some of that. Had no reason to believe him, ha! after all you only feel like a secret, his wife "flipped out" which couldn't possibly hint to the fact he's still married...but oh no, they're just going to go all together and talk about "you" who is essentially a secret and been out of the picture of the entire time...boy oh boy, are you so important though! family meeting everyone, let's discuss the OW even though the marriage is over So here are the kickers. First, I later found out he was actually still married, and she still wears her ring. Second, they did go to therapy, TO DISCUSS THEIR RELATIONSHIP, not to discuss me. Oh, and for the week I "wasn't allowed to see her... He was having family dinners with them. Oh the kickers, it's a good thing...because by now this sounds like a totally legit situation, please go on. She still wears a ring!!! no way jose, the audacity, the betrayal *clinches heart* And they did discussed THEIR MARRIAGE, this is all too much! you mean they didn't go just to talk about little miss you who is so special and important to their.....DIVORCE! totally totally feasible and he was having family dinners! and you weren't allowed to see him...WOW! just WOOOOOW! Who'd have thunk! I feel like I'm being bombarded with all these truths that I did not for a second think could have been anything but the truth! The mysteries of life are being unraveled right before your eyes, with absolutely no warnings whatsoever at this point...no red flags, you've been duped by a master con-man, he should be a telemarketer with these incredible skills! I have a lot of guilt over thinking she was this "enemy" for way too long when in reality she's the most innocent of us all. I truly do not want to cause anymore damage, I just wondered if the right thing to do was reach out to her in someway. However if that would cause more harm than good I am completely fine walking away. Of course...she's the "enemy", the OW, wife, GF, is always the enemy...makes PERFECT sense that she's ruining your life and your happiness...not the guy who lied and deceived both of you, nope...that would be using your brain. Once the dust settled a bit, and the hurt and anger subsided, we remained quite friendly. He returned home once every couple of weeks (he was working in another country at the time- where he met the OW). We had a lot to do to get the house in order- so he'd come home when he could, and we'd work on painting, projects, separating our stuff, working with the same lawyer to get our finances and separation stuff done together. He slept in a separate room and nothing physical ever happened between us during those visits. Neither of us told anyone what was going on for quite a long time. It was very sad for both of us because we had a lot of love for one another, it's just that after 10 years, it had shifted from a romantic love, to a platonic one. The day before our house closed, we spent the day moving all of our furniture that we split, cleaning up. We moved two mattress's to the ground floor at the end of the day, and we stayed up and talked, cried a lot, I was taking our dogs, so it was a night for him to say his goodbyes to them. It was a necessary break up, but a sad one nonetheless. See...this is the greatest thing about women for men. No matter how f@cked up we are and knew what we were doing, and how badly we burn the shet out of someone...a woman can come to terms calmly and peacefully, getting over and saying "it's all good in the hood!" it was still a worthy experience, no regrets...I'll be rootin for ya! you cheated on me and knocked up another woman...but hey, you're a swell man, we cried because we're both hurting sooo bad, by shhh! hush little baby, don't say another word, i wish you all the best...you're always have an especial place in my heart. That's the kind of shet men can pull and still essentially amicably get a pat on the back for, how encouraging...man, where would men be without a woman's forgiveness, after all...everyone makes a mistake and can change...love it! But granted, it's better than hating the man...but he still f@cked you over.
Am4Real Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 D-Lish gives an interesting perspective and I share a similar experience from a past marital separation that was kept low-key and took much too long to finalize, it made dating difficult because any woman I met thought the possibility of reconciliation loomed even though I knew it would never happen. I had at times represented myself as DIVORCED to overcome the hump/stigma and perhaps luckily it never caused an issue. However as your subsequent posts go on through this thread do I see your situation in a much different light than the experiences of D-Lish and myself. In the last year I have gone through a very painful deception by a woman, a cheater who left me traumatized for reasons I will not elaborate on here. It’s worth mentioning only because I ignored the signs, dismissed my gut for lack of concrete factual proof and hoped for the best. I paid dearly and was pained greater than anything I could have EVER imagined. It seems you are coming to terms for what are the realities of this situation and there is perhaps more to his simple misrepresentation of his marital status at play here. Perhaps... Since the lies you uncovered as well as the “Red Flag” events are all becoming to you, is it not time for you to address these in conversation with this guy? Get it out there so if nothing can be explained to your ultimate satisfaction you at least have conveyed a message of “[highlight]you’re not FOOLING anyone anymore[/highlight]” to him directly?
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