yorkie Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 you know what I am now confused. all I hear in my head is what is love? well you know what I do believe in love and I don't believe you can fall out of love with someone call it denial or what ever you want. but I have true beliefs and true values! yes times get hard in a relationship and yes people split up because nowadays its the norm! but you know what when two people commit to each other they should do everything possible to help and love each other and its a two way thing! my ex didn't love me I believe she never did ever though 12n half years and two kids and what we worked hard for which everyone said wow you two are good together! yes I believe when times are hard people wander to see what else there is about and people are influenced by what other people say and do. but I now realise I wasn't loved by my ex . im even ashamed to call her my ex! in these last 6months she wasn't even a person I knew! hey im venting but im still me and I am a god dam good ****ing bloke and you know what its her bloody loss and I have a few woman falling over themselves to be with me! and you know what I am taking it steady and I am learning about myself and I still am a good blokes so **** that silly cow she left me and my two kids and then she has the cheek to make me feel guilty! well bollocks to her. I am strong and I am moving on! anyone feeling down if you know you did your best and you treated her or him right then let me tell you something! FECK THEM! you be strong and you hold your chin up high cos you all know deep down you did your best! yes it hurts but god dam it! they chose to leave and they chose there life now re take your life and move on and if they do come back, like everyone else has said they need to MOVE Mountains, they have to prove and ley their life on the line to win you back and if you are like me, yes you will love them but they hurt you so much that your heart shattered and you have to pick up the pieces and try to mend your heart again. well they need to help you mend your heart. so lets stick to our beliefs! we know what love is we feel it! we feel the hurt the sorrow and the god dam pain! true lover never dies and if they don't come back and help you mend your heart it wasn't true love. so lets move on together! sorry end of rant but I know what true love is and I for one will feel love again!
Kevin_D Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I know what you mean and I think about it all the time. I think the main problem is lack of knowledge. My is experience is that it works like this: Year 1: Honeymoon phase. 99% attraction, 1% friendship. Your partner is perfect. At the end of this phase, you begin to discover the bad things about your partner. If they are bad enough, you break up. Otherwise, you move on to... Year 2-3: "We're destined to be together" phase. 50% attraction, 50% friendship. Your partner has some flaws, but that makes you feel even closer to him or hur. You feel like you understand each other like no one else. Year 4+: "We're destined to be together" phase. 10% attraction, 90% friendship. Your partner has become your best friend. You realise that even though you think your partner is hot, that spark from the beginning is gone. What usually happens here is that you begin seeking answers to why this is happening. Your partner doesn't exercise enough. Your partner doesn't leave the couch. You haven't been on a vacation for a long time. Maybe a new apartment can fix things? Maybe a baby? The problem is, that when people have tried tons of those "quick fixes" and still don't feel like they did in the beginning, they start to think: "Perhaps we aren't soulmates after all. I feel more attracted to other people than my partner. Something is wrong." And then they break up. It's so sad and immature. I've been told several times, by different women: "Even if you become handicapped, I'll be there and take care of you." "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can't imagine living without you" And a few weeks later, they claimed that something didn't feel right and started treating me like crap. Love isn't some magical power. It's something two people build together over time. What's really sad is that attraction problems are so easy to fix. Buy new clothes, exercise, go on a trip together, talk dirty, pretend that you don't know each other... But since many people believe that the sudden lack of attraction is a sign that "it wasn't meant to be", they instead become distant and cold, which makes it impossible to fix thes issues. I think this forum is a good example that there are mechanisms that can be applied to 99% of all relationships. If people actually took the time to study and understand where our feelings are coming from, things wouldn't have to be this bad. 3
LostConfused123 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I once heard (forget where) that love is a trick Mother Nature plays on us to reproduce. If we really took the time to get to know one another instead of "jumping in the sack" then our species would die out. I was like WHAT???? How sad if that's true. I myself like to think it's more magical and chemical and maybe soul mates do exist. I know, I know, I'm a TOTAL sap!!! I admit it! My kind of thinking always gets me into these messes. . . . Hence, the reason I am here. (sigh)
Kevin_D Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 We are polygamic. Women want to have sex with the alpha male. Men want to have sex with many of the women. That's what dating really is. As a man, you try to pretend that you in fact are an alpha male. However, after years of daily struggles, it's hard to keep up the facade. Your girlfriend will then start dreaming of being with an alpha male again. If you can't convince her, you're screwed. I guess that's one of the reasons why NC is so important. If you don't seem to care that a girl is abandoning you, it could only mean that you've got many other options. And the girl may suddenly feel that she may have misjudged you. I'm so cynical right now. Haha.
FrostBlaze Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 (edited) I also believe in true love, i might just be a sap. I gave it my all, she rejected it. I still love her and always will, even if i find someone else, she will probably still be the one i loved most, honestly. Also, pretty sure she didn't love me back, sooo wooptidoo. I think it's a sort of familly illness...my dad did the same but he got married to the one he liked. My aunt however...she is like 60 now, she just stood by the man she always loved even if he married someone else, rather sad xD. My other aunt had the same problem, but she got married eventually...doesn't really love the guy i think, based on how she acts, she just settled with him. Edited November 28, 2013 by FrostBlaze
reddragon588 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 What is love? A great song from the 90s.
strive Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 "Love is a slow, boring 40-year long slasher movie starring Matthew Perry post-Friends." (I just love NPH! )
aybc123 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Romantic love is very literally an addiction, an addiction to another person because being with that person releases all kind of pleasurable chemicals into your brain that make you feel good. It generates obsessive thoughts, going to crazy lengths to protect or get it, and if it's taken away you go through withdrawal. It comes on fast, from weeks to months and gradually wanes over the years or comes and goes. There are two other aspects to relationships though, friendship and attachment (in the same way you're attached to your family). Both are really also two kinds of love. Like all relationships these 3 bonds can be of varying strength which depends on the person you are and the person you're in a relationship with and also the point in the relationship. The aim of the game is to match up with someone you can bond with on all 3 aspects strongly. Breakups happen usually when one person meets someone whose potential romantic love bond (the first to develop) with them is greater than the sum of the remaining romantic love bond plus friendship and attachment bonds of their current partner. So usually when they're going through a rough patch. The purpose of love is obviously to force two people together for long enough to have a child and work together to protect it until it's a few years old without having to wait for the much slower friendship and attachment bonds to reach a point where you'd want to start a family with them. It's like the araldite glue used to stick two bits of metal together, and then the other bonds are welding them.
Haydn Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Yes Kevin you are so cynical, you really believe that alpha male crap? Be yourself and if that does not work then..............I think you are judging woman in the wrong way. A very bad experience does not make all people the same. We are polygamic. Women want to have sex with the alpha male. Men want to have sex with many of the women. That's what dating really is. As a man, you try to pretend that you in fact are an alpha male. However, after years of daily struggles, it's hard to keep up the facade. Your girlfriend will then start dreaming of being with an alpha male again. If you can't convince her, you're screwed. I guess that's one of the reasons why NC is so important. If you don't seem to care that a girl is abandoning you, it could only mean that you've got many other options. And the girl may suddenly feel that she may have misjudged you. I'm so cynical right now. Haha.
aybc123 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Yes Kevin you are so cynical, you really believe that alpha male crap? Be yourself and if that does not work then..............I think you are judging woman in the wrong way. A very bad experience does not make all people the same. Just a note on that stuff, some species of primate are polygamic and some are monogamous, most research concludes that us human primates are actually somewhere in the middle and a bit of a mix. We can switch between mating strategies depending on environmental and social circumstances (look at genghis khan and his thousands strong hareem resulting in something like 5% of all people alive today being descended from him, that's a pretty successful r-type breeding strategy right there). Some people even say that there are two populations of personalities, those capable of forming long term attachment 'k-strategy' and those not 'r-strategy'. Generally in the western world though society is so far advanced that it strongly pushes everyone towards a 'k-strategy' as the one that makes most sense because danger is low and resources are plentiful, whereas in places like sub-saharan africa r-type reproduction is much more common. The alpha and beta thing is mostly bollocks though, yes a big strong confident male is going to attract lots of women and cause some of them to cheat on existing partners, but no more than a beautiful woman is going to attract lots of men and cause some to cheat on their partners too. It isnt a sex specific strategy it's just the reality of what happens when someone is an outlier on the bell curve of attractiveness.
Salvatore85 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I guess to me love is something that you just know what it is. I know that sounds silly but there really is no explanation of what it is, you just know it when you have it. I remember when my ex first started chasing me and I just avoided her at all costs, she was my bosses daughter and just so happened to be my bestfriends little sister. When I finally gave into her and we started dating it took about two weeks before I was madly in love with her. Now mind you I had never been in love before but I damn sure knew I was with her.
Salvatore85 Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Haddaway - What Is Love - YouTube Now I feel like watching a night at the Roxbury lol
notthathard Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I know what you mean and I think about it all the time. I think the main problem is lack of knowledge. My is experience is that it works like this: Year 1: Honeymoon phase. 99% attraction, 1% friendship. Your partner is perfect. At the end of this phase, you begin to discover the bad things about your partner. If they are bad enough, you break up. Otherwise, you move on to... Year 2-3: "We're destined to be together" phase. 50% attraction, 50% friendship. Your partner has some flaws, but that makes you feel even closer to him or hur. You feel like you understand each other like no one else. Year 4+: "We're destined to be together" phase. 10% attraction, 90% friendship. Your partner has become your best friend. You realise that even though you think your partner is hot, that spark from the beginning is gone. I like the way you put this. It's also been my experiences. Far too many people get married in the 2-3 year, then when they get to year 4 they realize that there may be something better out there when the spark diminishes or need something more/different. If you have kids between any of those years it changes everything, but it doesn't take away the fact that soon that spark will be lost. It will be a choice of either of the individuals if they can stay in the relationship without that spark. I haven't met many couples that felt that the spark went missing at some point in the relationship.
Kevin_D Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Yes Kevin you are so cynical, you really believe that alpha male crap? Be yourself and if that does not work then..............I think you are judging woman in the wrong way. A very bad experience does not make all people the same. It's not one bad experience. I do observations and read a lot. My relationships have followed the pattern I feared but somehow expected. I don't want to be an alpha male, I want to be able to be weak and cry in front of my girlfriend. But I always get punished when I do this. Everything works much better when I try to stay strong and confident. I think Woody Allen describes this quite well in many of his movies. By the way, every time I visit this forum I can't help but laugh. We have a sticky at the top about G.I.G.S, and almost everyone replies "Oh my god, that's EXACTLY what happened to me!". Then we ask "How do I get my partner back?" and the answer is always "No Contact!!!". I think it's very obvious that people really aren't that different. We want to believe that we are strong individuals with a free will, but the truth is that we are hardcoded in so many ways. The funny things are the replies that are like this: "That sounds like G.I.G.S. Go NC, buy new clothes and exercise. Don't fall for the breadcrumbs, she just wants to boost her ego. If she calls, eat something so that it sounds like you're busy and don't care. Keep it short. ...But man, you should really move on and find someone better. Most girls aren't like her, you know?" So we get the same advices over and over, but yet there are so many better women out there? 2
mandyxo Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 It's not one bad experience. I do observations and read a lot. My relationships have followed the pattern I feared but somehow expected. I don't want to be an alpha male, I want to be able to be weak and cry in front of my girlfriend. But I always get punished when I do this. Everything works much better when I try to stay strong and confident. I think Woody Allen describes this quite well in many of his movies. By the way, every time I visit this forum I can't help but laugh. We have a sticky at the top about G.I.G.S, and almost everyone replies "Oh my god, that's EXACTLY what happened to me!". Then we ask "How do I get my partner back?" and the answer is always "No Contact!!!". I think it's very obvious that people really aren't that different. We want to believe that we are strong individuals with a free will, but the truth is that we are hardcoded in so many ways. The funny things are the replies that are like this: "That sounds like G.I.G.S. Go NC, buy new clothes and exercise. Don't fall for the breadcrumbs, she just wants to boost her ego. If she calls, eat something so that it sounds like you're busy and don't care. Keep it short. ...But man, you should really move on and find someone better. Most girls aren't like her, you know?" So we get the same advices over and over, but yet there are so many better women out there? I find your point of view interesting. What type of advice do you have for someone who is still in love with their ex. Even though EVERYONE keeps telling me I need to move on. To find someone else. When I still am in love with him. We broke up yes. & it is my fault. But I dont want to let go. I been in relationships before where I knew they were not for me. & I didn't have that feeling of "wanting to spend my life with this person". But with him I feel that. Even though given all the facts he is far from perfect & maybe doesn't deserve someone like me but I just feel strongly in my heart that feeling of love. I believe he does to, & I also know he has a big ego and it has gotten in the way of mending our relationship back together & so has my ego. But I believe he truely loves me, just like i truely love him. Call me stupid, or whatever but its how I feel.
Kevin_D Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I find your point of view interesting. What type of advice do you have for someone who is still in love with their ex. Even though EVERYONE keeps telling me I need to move on. To find someone else. When I still am in love with him. We broke up yes. & it is my fault. But I dont want to let go. I been in relationships before where I knew they were not for me. & I didn't have that feeling of "wanting to spend my life with this person". But with him I feel that. Even though given all the facts he is far from perfect & maybe doesn't deserve someone like me but I just feel strongly in my heart that feeling of love. I believe he does to, & I also know he has a big ego and it has gotten in the way of mending our relationship back together & so has my ego. But I believe he truely loves me, just like i truely love him. Call me stupid, or whatever but its how I feel. Yeah, I feel the same way. When I got dumped by my previous girlfriend, I felt betrayed, angry, scared, alone... I wasn't ready to let go at that time, but yet I couldn't never see myself spending the rest of my life with her. But my last girlfriend was so different from previous experiences. We always had fun together. We joked about everything. Sure we had our ups and downs, but for the first time in my life, I trusted someone the same way I trust my parents. And just a few weeks ago, everything seemed fine. We talked about the future, she sent me pictures of cute/funny animals and told me how much she loved me and wanted to support me. Then out the blue, BOOM! She feels that she might be happier on her own or with someone else and that she will regret herself if she doesn't take that chance. And then she went NC with me. I should be so pissed right now, but I can't just pretend like everything we built together doesn't exist. And about the ego... My ex even told me "If we got back together now, people would think I'm a psycho. You can't break up with someone and take them back just a few days later". I'm gonna tell myself that she's bipolar for now (which she might very well be). It's easier that way.
mandyxo Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Yeah, I feel the same way. When I got dumped by my previous girlfriend, I felt betrayed, angry, scared, alone... I wasn't ready to let go at that time, but yet I couldn't never see myself spending the rest of my life with her. But my last girlfriend was so different from previous experiences. We always had fun together. We joked about everything. Sure we had our ups and downs, but for the first time in my life, I trusted someone the same way I trust my parents. And just a few weeks ago, everything seemed fine. We talked about the future, she sent me pictures of cute/funny animals and told me how much she loved me and wanted to support me. Then out the blue, BOOM! She feels that she might be happier on her own or with someone else and that she will regret herself if she doesn't take that chance. And then she went NC with me. I should be so pissed right now, but I can't just pretend like everything we built together doesn't exist. And about the ego... My ex even told me "If we got back together now, people would think I'm a psycho. You can't break up with someone and take them back just a few days later". I'm gonna tell myself that she's bipolar for now (which she might very well be). It's easier that way. Definitely a similar situation. Everything was great. We were together all the time, we would laugh. He'd tell me "I'm so happy when your around". Everything was perfect. I got mad at him over something very stupid. I acted very immature and freaked out on him. Didn't even give him a chance to explain himself, broke up with him. I didn't talk to him for a day then I said I was sorry I over reacted & he didn't agree to get back together. Which I dont blame him. I acted crazy .... so he said give him some time he was angry with how I handled that. I agreed. He still called me every couple of days. Well its been almost a month & he has sent me texts telling me he loves me misses me etc. Then id get so happy thinking finally now were gonna get back together. then he'd pull away again. So id back off and he'd come back. Its been a tug of war game. Well I had enough of it my heart couldn't take it anymore. I told him that for now we have to go our seperate ways because I love him so much I dont want totalk to him on a ddaily basis just as friends. Hes the one I want to be with. So I finally stuck to it. Stopped answering his texts and phone calls then he sends me a bunch on facebook saying he loves me. I decided to answer his message. That message was never read. He was arrested before he received my message. For breach of probation. Hell be in jail for a couple of weeks & my cellphone is dissconnted so I dont even know if hes trying to call
Haydn Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Well Kev, i agree to a slight degree. But NC does seem to work, not for getting anyone back, just putting yourself out of harms way i guess. I think being a man there is a balance in all things, but essentially we can only really be ourselves. Whether that be a PUFFED up ego maniac or a quite sensitive type. True to ourselves and if the one we are with is not liking what we are then it moves on and we try to change. Big mistake for me. I became so far removed from mysef that everyday for years was an act to something else. Ahhhhh, its so compicated!!!!!!!!!! It's not one bad experience. I do observations and read a lot. My relationships have followed the pattern I feared but somehow expected. I don't want to be an alpha male, I want to be able to be weak and cry in front of my girlfriend. But I always get punished when I do this. Everything works much better when I try to stay strong and confident. I think Woody Allen describes this quite well in many of his movies. By the way, every time I visit this forum I can't help but laugh. We have a sticky at the top about G.I.G.S, and almost everyone replies "Oh my god, that's EXACTLY what happened to me!". Then we ask "How do I get my partner back?" and the answer is always "No Contact!!!". I think it's very obvious that people really aren't that different. We want to believe that we are strong individuals with a free will, but the truth is that we are hardcoded in so many ways. The funny things are the replies that are like this: "That sounds like G.I.G.S. Go NC, buy new clothes and exercise. Don't fall for the breadcrumbs, she just wants to boost her ego. If she calls, eat something so that it sounds like you're busy and don't care. Keep it short. ...But man, you should really move on and find someone better. Most girls aren't like her, you know?" So we get the same advices over and over, but yet there are so many better women out there?
todreaminblue Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 chicken head time...woot woot.......as soon as i read this title in this thread i thought of this song...so playing dj.......get the thread hoppin........hands up now....no sigh ....ok chicken heading as i slink off ooooh woah woah oooohhh.....deb
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