wudat5756 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 So my ex girlfriend of 3 years and I officially broke up about 4 months ago. We hit it off instantly when we started dating, became best friends, and did a ton of athletic and fun activities together all along the way. For the first time in my life I felt like I found a true partner, best friend and soul mate. She is absolutely gorgeous and I actually felt like we could make great parents and grow old together! I’m currently 31 and have dated a lot of women but this breakup hurt the most. She was truly the love of my life. Things started to get difficult for me after about 2 years of dating I quit my job. At the time we were talking about marriage and a future and all that. I guess I just wasn't ready. I was was a commercial real estate broker and the hrs - wage ratio just wasn’t worth it. It took me about 4 months to get a new job and we were living together at the time. I was a total lazy bum. I wouldn’t drink everyday but would get absolutely wasted to the point where I messaged a bunch of girls on facebook one night. She always uses my laptop and of course saw the next day. I slept on the couch for like a week, promised to never do it again and somehow managed to stay around. I got alcohol counseling which really didn’t seem to help anything. Things were cool for awhile until I got wasted again and got wasted a few months later. After that she kicked me out, we broke up and I obliged and got my own place. For the first 2 months following the breakup we were in touch at least 3-4 times per week. Sometimes a few days would pass and sometimes we would talk multiple times per day.We did the whole lets just be friends thing and see where it goes…typical. I’m sure we were both just making the process easier for ourselves in retrospect or she just wanted to see if I could lose the booze. We even talked about maybe getting together again in the future. I did realize I needed to make some huge life changes after the fact. I’ve since moved back to CA and have a great job. I went to visit her in Seattle last month and had a great time. I even stayed at her house and cuddled with her all night, no sex ... I really did want to take things slow. We talked on the phone just about each day up until 3 weeks ago. Then I got wasted again. She could tell on the phone and cut all ties with me. Her exact words were something like "you need some time to get help, I cannot let you do this to me anymore. I will always care about you." Of course I bombarded her with texts and started acting like an irrational emotional dumb jerk. She said she can’t trust me anymore, is not in love with me, doesn’t want me to call or text. Deep down inside I feel like I know the answer and should give up and go NC forever. That being said I’ve started to go to AA 1x per week and counseling 2x per month. She currently won’t engage in any form of communication and mentioned she is currently dating someone. I also dated (a smart gorgeous girl) since we have been broken up but my heart just wasn’t in it. As time has passed I’m extremely disappointed that I may have ruined things forever with the ex primarily due to my terrible decisions involving alcohol. Any ideas on how to get a chance this woman? She’s already given me several and I’ve failed. So I guess I don't even really deserve it. It really bugs me that we never took the mature steps to hash things out and work on communicating better. I realize I never addressed the alcohol issue. The opportunity to continue to work on my life and start fresh with her would be all I would ask for. I’m absolutely not interested in “getting back together” now because I really don’t think anything would actually change. I’ve given just about everything from Full NC to proposing to her some thought. We’ve both got a lot to work on independently but I don’t want to regret losing her forever just quite yet. Time will of course heal the pain but something in the back of my mind makes me want to lay it all out there so I have no regrets and can say I gave it my all. Oh, and my birthday is tomorrow so I'm sure she will send some pointless Happy Birthday text. Thing is I know I'll love this girl forever. Geez I'm hurt and confused.
Author wudat5756 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Call me a hopeless romantic but something tells me true love is worth fighting for. Then again maybe I'm just caught up in my emotions. Any insight would be fantastic!
Simon Phoenix Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Call me a hopeless romantic but something tells me true love is worth fighting for. Then again maybe I'm just caught up in my emotions. Any insight would be fantastic! You're right on one thing -- fighting for her is hopeless. You fight for each other during the relationship, not after its broken. You need to leave this woman alone. If there's fighting to be done, it's up to her to fight for you, because she's the one that let you go. Romcoms are meant to entertain -- they aren't meant to be how-to-get-your-ex-back guides.
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Go to AA. Once you prove to her that you have been sober for at least a year, if she's free she might give you another shot. But if she's a perfect as you say, odds are she'll be off the market. 1
Author wudat5756 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Roger that. Sitting in the meetings makes me realize that I can't believe I didn't do it sooner. Tough lesson to learn but last time I'll ever make that mistake. Guess I'm just curious to see if there is any way of keeping her updated without driving her further away. 1
Author wudat5756 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 I'm determined to prove to her through my actions that the alcohol issues are behind me. Who knows if she will ever take me back but I've got a give it a shot. Slow and steady, its gonna take a long time and I know she resents me to some extent and cannot trust me. I'd love to hear a success story of a couple getting back together after time apart spent on personal growth and development. Anyone?
TryingToFigureItOut Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I'm determined to prove to her through my actions that the alcohol issues are behind me. Who knows if she will ever take me back but I've got a give it a shot. Slow and steady, its gonna take a long time and I know she resents me to some extent and cannot trust me. I'd love to hear a success story of a couple getting back together after time apart spent on personal growth and development. Anyone? Most people who have those type of success stories usually are so happy that they don't come back on here to share it. And to be honest I did the whole research into success stories after time apart on growth and development and dating others, but it just subconsciously makes you more hopeful for the present instead of the future. My advice? Continue on your growth, do NC. If you want send her one final text or write her a final email stating you are going NC to better yourself and that you will always love her and hopefully one day in the future your paths will cross, then go NC completely. Take the new year to grow and see where you both stand this time next year.
Author wudat5756 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 Well guess what. I bought her a 15k ring awhile back but never gave it to her. This even sounds crazy to write but I was thinking about giving to her as a promise and symbol that I need time alone to focus on myself and sobriety and want her to keep an open mind in regards to spending our future together. Of course I can't do it right now but maybe in a month or so.
TryingToFigureItOut Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Well guess what. I bought her a 15k ring awhile back but never gave it to her. This even sounds crazy to write but I was thinking about giving to her as a promise and symbol that I need time alone to focus on myself and sobriety and want her to keep an open mind in regards to spending our future together. Of course I can't do it right now but maybe in a month or so. One month is too early. It normally takes someone at least one year to make actual lifestyle changes. Trust me, I'm there now.
Author wudat5756 Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 I don't really expect her to think I've made changes by then. Just sincerely starting what will be a long and adventurous process.
d0nnivain Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Well guess what. I bought her a 15k ring awhile back but never gave it to her. This even sounds crazy to write but I was thinking about giving to her as a promise and symbol that I need time alone to focus on myself and sobriety and want her to keep an open mind in regards to spending our future together. Of course I can't do it right now but maybe in a month or so. Can you really afford to write off that kind of money? There's no guarantee that it will work & you could never see the ring again. It's a big, expensive risk.
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