happymama Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I met a man six months ago. We started dating, but something seemed off with the relationship, so I was hesistant to get involved with him. It turned out he was still heavily involved ( ie , fighting , reaching out to, texting) a very toxic ex ( he had left his marriage for her...but she had neglected to tell him she had a bf she had no plans of leaving...she had her daughter taken away by social services ....the way he found about said bf was he called one night and she said she couldn't talk because she had a c**k in her mouth....yeah....all around peach....the stories are endless). Anyhow. I really liked the guy as a person, so I suggested friends while he sorted some of his stuff out ( his separation, working on why he would think he loved someone who treated him that way and so on). I was really not wanting to get involved with a man who allowed for and put with that sort of chaos in his life. ( I`m talking taking her to court dates, her having her other bf show up to pick her up one night...paying for hotel rooms after he husband kicked her out of their home, a dui, taking another man to a concert with tickets he had bought....seriously, it was NUTS what he put up with for this woman) We have basically talked every day since we`ve met. Literally for hours most nights. We have tons in common, and make each other laugh. He dated another woman for about two months. While he was with her, I found myself getting jealous...and I worked on that in myself, reminding myself I had been the one to put the breaks on things in the beginning. She was pretty head over heels, love notes, buying him stuff, planning future events and so on....he ended up feeling smothered I think and he started to pursue me again romantically. I was not impressed with how he handled that situation...I kept telling him to just talk to her, and pursuing me was not the answer, regardless of how I felt about him. That ended up causing a few arguments, because we had been so close, I admitted to him about the jealousy ( which he knew anyhow lol) and just some mini drama between the two of us, so after one week of that nonsense, we both said enough is enough, friends is all either of us can offer the other one. The other night on the phone, he asked me how I would feel about him dating around for a while as he is not sure what he wants right now. I basically said to him, I have been telling him for months he needs to find himself again, and if dating around would help with that, go for it. He asked me if I would be capable of still being his close friend and not being jealous, and I said it may take some work, but especially after seeing how he handled his breakup with his most recent gf, I am quite certain I can. That he doesn`t appeal to me romantically, but I still value his friendship. It seems as though with the two of us there a lot of games, with one of us pursuing the other one if the other seems to be backing away, and that just reminds me so much of junior high, not typical of adults in their thirties. I have no desire to continue on with those behaviours, and am not proud of some of the feelings and behaviours he brought out in me. He strikes me as emotionally immature in his romantic relationships, although he does okay in other areas in his life. I struggle with the same thing, so it`s hard for me to judge him based on that. We`ve hooked up a couple of times over the past 6 months, but not for some time now. The reason I am hesistant to even do the friend thing is the other night when discussing boundaries and friendship and so on...he said to me...while I`m dating casually, I don`t want anything to change between us emotionally..it would kind of be a thing where you are my favourite person and I get the sowing the wild oats out of my system. I basically told him he was talking nonsense and that we would talk later. Why would a man in his thirties need to put so much emphasis on a friend title, and need such clarification ? Would a friendship be possible or does it sound like he has ulterior motives with the potential for game playing later on? I'm hesistant that his " friendship" may be him thinking I'm back up for when he is single....which I don't want, but I will fully admit I over analyze everything...but something tells me this is just a set up for more emotional drama to come.
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