tgrace Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Ok guys (well, it's open to anyone really), give me the male definition of "I love you and I will always love you, but I'm not "in love" with you." I had this used on me and it is the most abstract piece of c**p I have ever had to deal with. Better yet, what does it mean when a guy has stated ongoing, for over a year, that he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you and then evolves to that? I'm really not an airhead, I already have a pretty good idea what it all means, I just want to see if I'm missing something I hadn't thought of. Thanks for your time!
jcweik Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by tgrace Ok guys (well, it's open to anyone really), give me the male definition of "I love you and I will always love you, but I'm not "in love" with you." I had this used on me and it is the most abstract piece of c**p I have ever had to deal with. Better yet, what does it mean when a guy has stated ongoing, for over a year, that he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you and then evolves to that? I'm really not an airhead, I already have a pretty good idea what it all means, I just want to see if I'm missing something I hadn't thought of. Thanks for your time! I have no clue what the "i love you and always will, but not in love with you" thing means. I've been told that aswell. I believe its just a way for someone to get out. An excuse if you may. I do know that people change, and if people change, so can feelings. I was told by my exgirlfriend that I was the best thing that ever happen to her. Her family and friends always commented on how different she was when she was with me (for the better.) We talked about marriage, children, and growing old/dieing together. In the end, you can not count on the stuff people tell you when you are with them.
jellybean Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 "I love you and I will always love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you." Yeah, I got that from my ex too. They say that while they're cruelly dumping you, so as to make themselves look like a genuine, caring human - instead of a callous, insenstive jerk. It's just a ploy used to lighten the blow.
Devildog Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Yeah, that is so not just a guy thing. That is the same crap line my wife, or soon to be ex-wife, gave me when she asked for a seperation. It is a guilt shield. They don't want to be honest and say "I have felings for someone else" so they spew that crap in the hopes that you won't be as hurt and they don't have to feel guilty. If they loved you in anyway they would try to re-establish that "in love" feeling again.
VirginiaBob Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Less that a month before the planned wedding, I got the "I love you, but my love for you is not as deep as it should be". Right after that , she conveniently started talking about her new "friend" Michael who was mysteriously calling her cell phone for the last few months. It took her a week to want me back though. I didn't give her the time of day.
tattoomytoe Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 my still current bf said that to me after i found out he had cheated on me. "he just didn't know what he wanted" we are still together.... but funny thing is, i feel that way about him. i do love him, and will always care....but i really do not see our relationship going anywhere, and i want to BE In love again.
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 it means it is time for both of u to go your seperate ways...
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by VirginiaBob Less that a month before the planned wedding, I got the "I love you, but my love for you is not as deep as it should be". Right after that , she conveniently started talking about her new "friend" Michael who was mysteriously calling her cell phone for the last few months. It took her a week to want me back though. I didn't give her the time of day. HA HAHAH AHHAH HAHAH AHAHAHaqhah ha ho, i'm glad you gave the bytch what she deserved.
ollydolly Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 Ok. I'm a female that has kind of used that line. I left my ex-husband of 10 years (we married very young) because I felt I had outgrown him mentally, emotionally and definitely sexually. However, love him I did. But the love felt only brotherly and affectionate for me. I have never looked back. Neither has he.
VirginiaBob Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 "Ok. I'm a female that has kind of used that line. I left my ex-husband of 10 years (we married very young) because I felt I had outgrown him mentally, emotionally and definitely sexually. However, love him I did. But the love felt only brotherly and affectionate for me. I have never looked back. Neither has he." Love is a decision that you make, not a magical feeling that is "just there" or isn't. The Bible gives specific instructions on how to love. It's a procedure and a list of "things to do" basically.
jellybean Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob "Ok. I'm a female that has kind of used that line. I left my ex-husband of 10 years (we married very young) because I felt I had outgrown him mentally, emotionally and definitely sexually. However, love him I did. But the love felt only brotherly and affectionate for me. I have never looked back. Neither has he." Love is a decision that you make, not a magical feeling that is "just there" or isn't. The Bible gives specific instructions on how to love. It's a procedure and a list of "things to do" basically. Here's a few bunnies to hopefully make you feel better, Bob! :bunny:
VirginiaBob Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 It's true though, and you know it. And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high. It's because so many people get divorced just for the heck of it. They feel empowered just because they legally can do so. I call it abuse of power.
jellybean Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 I just finished reading on another thread how today was supposed to be your wedding day. That sux sooooo bad.....I just don't know what else to say. Anyways, back on topic...I believe in most cases the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" is used when your partner has found someone new.
VirginiaBob Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 "I'm sorry I called you a grouch, VirginiaBob...I just finished reading on another thread how today was supposed to be your wedding day." Thanks for the reminder, I was trying to repress that. Seriously though, I am sad about it, but not really sad since I am glad that the wedding didn't take place with the wrong person. But yes, it will be wierd going through certain milestones like we were supposed to say our vows at 12:30 PM today, and the reception ended at 5PM. And the wedding night was tonight. And the honeymoon would have been next week, etc. I can't wait till it's all over. It will probably take lots of alchohol today.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 When someone says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" they are really saying "I care about you, and enjoy your company somewhat but not enough to invest the time and effort that is necessary for a fully committed romantic relationship. Generally speaking, by the time I've said this I'm bored with the relationship and am in the process of looking for someone who I will be "in love" with, if I haven't found them already. This can also be used to justify an affair - it often gets said as some way to justify to the adulterer that what he/she is doing is somehow 'ok'.
ollydolly Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob It's true though, and you know it. And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high. It's because so many people get divorced just for the heck of it. They feel empowered just because they legally can do so. I call it abuse of power. What is this the dark ages? Do we have to stay in marriages that are not satisfying out of DUTY? Where duty sits, love cannot abide for they are different motivators. No one wonders why the divorce rate is so high - it's obvious. It's called volitional freedom. I would HATE a man to stay with me from duty or because he made a promise years before. I only want him with me if he wants to be here with ALL his heart, soul, strength and mind. I have never known anyone to get divorced just for the heck of it. What are you, a simpleton? Enslaving people's choices on earth because of a fear of hell when you die... now that's abuse of power. In fact, very much the mindset of the man I divorced!
smile Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 I agree that the divorce rate is ridiculously high .. but maybe not for the reasons VB seems to think. In my opinion too many people have an unrealistic view of relationships in general. Its like someone goes.. oh this is tough and I am not happy so I need to find someone to make me happy. Thats it. No one can make you happy. How many stories do you hear of someone who has gone through a million relationships winds up in an unhappy marriage and all the while pines away for that person they left all those years ago.. because it wasnt working. Realize that sometimes things dont work. That doesnt mean they never will. Ugh. Anyway as far as the I love you but I'm not in love with you... I have no idea what that means. In my case he said it but I dont think he meant it.. I think it was like a way to get space without feeling like a jerk. Because after an other relationship and a few months without me he is calling and comming over. I dont know what it will turn into but I dont believe you can go from being in love to not... I dont believe that feeling goes away. You can repress it, ignore it, hell you can deny it until the day you die.. but if you were ever truly in love with a person I believe you always will be. But then again I am an unapologetic hopeless romantic
Isabella10 Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 "What is this the dark ages? Do we have to stay in marriages that are not satisfying out of DUTY? Where duty sits, love cannot abide for they are different motivators. No one wonders why the divorce rate is so high - it's obvious. It's called volitional freedom. I would HATE a man to stay with me from duty or because he made a promise years before. I only want him with me if he wants to be here with ALL his heart, soul, strength and mind. I have never known anyone to get divorced just for the heck of it. What are you, a simpleton? Enslaving people's choices on earth because of a fear of hell when you die... now that's abuse of power. In fact, very much the mindset of the man I divorced!" Probably say the same thing about the 10 other divorces you'll inevitibly have in your life. Dark ages? No, it's called meaning what you say when you say your vows, not just to be fickle later. You want a man to be there with all his heart, soul, strength, and mind? Good luck, men are human too. It's called being willing to work through problems, yes, even after the honeymoon phase. You've never known anyone to get divorced just for the heck of it? I can think of one - you.
ollydolly Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 Originally posted by Isabella10 It's called being willing to work through problems, yes, even after the honeymoon phase. You've never known anyone to get divorced just for the heck of it? I can think of one - you. Virginiabob alias Isabella10 - You are out of line and not very intelligent. There is no such thing as the honeymoon phase. When you find your true equal mentally the honeymoon lasts forever, even with problems attached.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 I think the divorce rate is so high, because society feeds people a mythos of marriage that is no longer realistic in the context of the current social climate. Partners get married expecting it to be a certain way, and often it isn't. Since divorce is more accepted now, fewer people are staying in loveless marriages. Marriage is no longer an excuse to be stuck with someone you dislike for the rest of your life. People are understanding that the mental health and happiness of individual partners is more important that preserving the 'sanctity of marriage'. And as for affairs, affairs have always happened - as long as there has been monogamous relationships, there have been affairs. Its a simple fact. Now, though when an affair happens - the marriage is less likely to stay together than it would have been a generation or two ago. At that time, it was more important to stay married than it was to be happy as individuals and move on separately. Now its different. Divorce is not the shameful exit it once was - it is a legitimate opportunity for both partners to dissolve the legal bindings they have and move on to find more rewarding and enriching relationships for them both. That's not easy if you are on the divorcee side of things - but even for them - they will get an opportunity to be with a partner who will love them, not resent them for representing the trap of a loveless union. These times they are a'changin, as they say - we are at a crossroads. Some people are still holding with the idea of traditional unconditional marriage with divorce representing weakness and failure, and others are seeing marriage as a conditional romantic legal bond with divorce as the emergency exit. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
Pocky Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 Life is impermeant. It changes consistently and to expect everyone to stay stagnant at all times in their relationship is unrealistic. One day my husband may decide he doesn't love me anymore and he will leave. That is the reality of all relationships. I value each day with him, adore him as much as I can and cherish the memories I have. To hate him because he stopped loving me would be worse than losing him. I don't know that I will ever be able to understand the anger and hatred that people feel for someone they once loved simply because that person does not love them back. We can't own love - even when you put a ring on your finger and promise the world you really are only promising one day at a time. Loving someone is a beautiful experience if you can let go of of the insecurity, fear and anger that can easily attach itself to love. Not returning love doesn't make someone a bitch or bastard and it doesn't give them a one way ticket to hell. Not loving someone is simply not loving someone and no matter how many religious terms or legal terms you want to throw you can't force someone to love you. Maybe divorce rate is so high because people don't know what it means to truly love someone.
mental_traveller Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 The difference between "love" and being "in love" is simply the difference between Platonic love and romantic love. Love can exist without any romantic feelings e.g. a father's love for his daughter, or a straight man's love for a very close straight male friend, brother etc. Whereas being "in love" always requires romantic or sexual feelings. So, when a man says he loves you, but isn't "in love", then - assuming he is being honest - that just means he sees you as a very close friend, without having romantic feelings towards you. Obviously dishonest guys will just use this as a "nice" way to dump someone, to try to make themselves feel less guilty, but that doesn't make the distinction any less valid when used honestly. Is that a reasonable explanation, or does it still seem like an abstract piece of self-justifying male crap?
grojas1986 Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 It means that they love you (like a sister) but they are not romantically in love with you.
smile Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 ok so how about , I love you but I am not in love with you anymore, but they still want to sleep with you. Thats not sisterly love. And what about when they have a new gf (unbenknownst to you at the time but since broken up) and he calls and says he wants you and that you are the only thing that turns him on.What if you are who he calls when he needs help or just wants to talk to someone, when he says nobody understands him like you do? And what if he still calls and flirts and wants to sleep with you and hold you.. even turns his snooze alarm off 5 time just to hold you.. but still isnt in love with you. What does THAT mean?
grojas1986 Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 That means they really don't love you; they look at you as an object.
Recommended Posts