Eclypse Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Wow, it's been a tumultuous week. I honestly don't even know what section to put this thread in, because everything is so crazy. There's a bit more meat to the back story in my most recent threads. This weekend I called my girlfriend of almost 4 years and told her we shouldn't see each other anymore, that I couldn't promise her commitment and it wouldn't be fair to be together. She was upset, but accepted it. I was devastated, and I hoped it was the right decision. I wasn't sure of my feelings anymore, and there was this other girl who I had been talking to a lot for the last few months. We'd been friends for years and always had intense chemistry, but it never progressed, until recently when we had an intense EA. Now for the last few days I've been with the new girl, and somehow or other it led to sex and we've been having pretty much non stop sex all week. It's hard to describe but everything just feels so surreal. My (ex) girlfriend never had much of a sex drive and sex was a bit mechanical with her. But with this new girl it's... unbelievable. She's only the second person I've had sex with now. We're like rabbits, and doing it in all sorts of positions. I've been showing up to work exhausted every morning from the non stop acrobatics. I had no idea a life like this could exist. This physical chemistry that had been bubbling for years has been unleashed for both of us. Now, I realise I've messed up. I've moved on too fast. I miss my girlfriend, there's no way I can get over a 4 year relationship in a few days. Yet my attraction for this new girl is unbelievable. What's more is, she is completely in love with me, and has been for a while. This makes things complicated. I've also been talking to my ex on the phone to see how she is, and I do miss her. She doesn't believe we'll be split for long. It's only been a few days atm though. It's not like our relationship was bad, it just wasn't terribly exciting or dynamic. She didn't like going out or going for walks or anything. But we did have a lot of good laughs and a great time together. I've told my new girl to please not expect too much from me, that I'm still healing and I wouldn't like us to be anything more than casual... at least for now. She won't hear it though. She wouldn't let me leave her house last time until we had sex like 5 times. She just doesn't get tired! I don't want to hurt her, as she really is so sweet and beautiful. But honestly right now I've got no idea where my head is or what I want. This was my first relationship and I've literally had no experience in this stuff. I've always been bad at confrontation. It took me a long time to build up the courage to break things up with my girlfriend, and now I find myself in a relationship that appears to be of equal commitment. The sex is amazing, and I can see us being together, but it's just SO SOON! I still think about my ex every day. I got no idea how to talk to either of them about this, since both are still madly in love with me and just won't hear no for an answer. I never knew I could be so charming I've gone and made a cock up of everything. Any advice? 1
Emilia Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 well the second girl is probably just caught up in the initial stages as you are. It will calm down soon enough. I think breaking up with your first girlfriend was a good move, I think you were with her for too long IMO. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I've been in your shoes. My best piece of advice is to stay single for a while. The initial excitement of the new girl will fade. The reality of letting go of your ex will set in. Have some fun, but don't get too wrapped up in this new girl. And don't contact your ex too often.
veggirl Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I agree with Emilia. It was time for your to break up with your gf. Have you gone NC? You need to. I'd chill, you are distracting yourself with the new girl and you are gonna crash and burn hard, imo you should tell the new girl you need some time to yourself and you shouldn't be in contact with either of them right now. You don't seem the type who "get over someone by getting under someone else" really applies. I'd put new girl way on the back burner for now. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Are you bragging or asking a Q? The new girl sounds like a rebound but that may help you heal. Just be careful because she's getting too attached too fast & could cause problems later when you end it with her.
Author Eclypse Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 Definitely not bragging. Sex is great but everything is just overwhelming. I'm actually afraid of telling the new girl I want to tone things down. Last time she got really upset. I don't think she's a crazy, but she's become very attached very quickly. She's already told her mum and all her friends we're together. I think that word "together" is worrying since less than a week ago I was still with my ex gf officially. I'm just terrible at confrontation. I'll have to go NC with my now ex. It's just comforting to talk to her though. A part of me just wants to tell her I'm sorry and to get back together. Is this normal after a break up? We didn't break up on bad terms or anything. I hope this was the right decision. I've gone and had sex with someone else before I barely realised what was happening. Ugh.
veggirl Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Yes it is normal to waffle on your decision, esp when your relationship wasn't BAD. This new girl sounds crazy, no normal person would even be THINKING about getting serious with a guy who is fresh out of a LTR! Why are you so bad at "confronting" people? It's not even confronting, it's having boundaries that are healthy for you and asserting them. This will be good for you to stand up for what YOU need to do to heal.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 To be fair, the new girl was a long time friend and probably liked you for years. Poor ex gf yeah, it's normal to waffle - I always waffle but in the end my original decision is always the right one. Just don't tell your ex that you are waffling because it's gonna screw with her head. You are very young, enjoy casual phase for a while.
Author Eclypse Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I'm dating a new girl and we're both very into each other. She is the polar opposite to my ex. I'm learning some things about her that are slightly concerning. She smokes "socially" which I really dislike, but I guess in terms of vices that's not too bad. However she's also a big party girl, and drinks to excess frequently, and takes party drugs when she goes clubbing. She said it doesn't happen often, but she did it this weeken when clubbing (I didn't go). Drugs and smoking were always my biggest turn offs, and she saw I was concerned and asked if I thought less of her. I wasn't sure how to respond as it's still quite early (but we've moved really fast). I thought I could get over it but now she's revealed she steals from stores! She has a job so she has money :S She said she does it because they're big faceless corporations. My moral compass is tingling. It seems she steals things like chocolate and other little items everytime she goes. I told her I refused to do this with her (she and her ex used to do it all the time) and she just winked and said "I'll steal you something nice". If I ignore this stuff everything is perfect. She's really kind to me and is genuinely interested in me. She's also absolutely smoking hot! The most perfect body's. But it's a bit concerning that she's revealed she's already in love with me, and she's become quite possessive.. And now this stuff. I've known her for years, and our relationship was a long time coming, but this new stuff is just so dissapointing to learn. How do you deal with it when you encounter things you thought were deal breakers? I don't think I want to leave her just yet, considering I sacrificed my previous relationship to be with her, but I'm just really trend off by what I learned. Or am I just a prude?
veggirl Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Eclypse! I want to smack you upside the head! There is a reason this girl pushed things so fast, she does everything fast! She'll probably be done with you just as quickly. She's basically using sex to hook you and I'm sure she does that with every guy too. Again, you should NOT be dating right now! Esp a trainwreck like this! eta: there is nothing to "deal with" here. you've been dating for mere WEEKS. when you encounter WAVING RED FLAGS and dealbreakers weeks in, you walk away! in this case, you should RUN. 3
Emilia Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 So Eclypse, you've got yourself a bad girl, huh? 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 If I ignore this stuff everything is perfect. She's really kind to me and is genuinely interested in me. She's also absolutely smoking hot! The most perfect body's. But it's a bit concerning that she's revealed she's already in love with me, and she's become quite possessive.. And now this stuff. I've known her for years, and our relationship was a long time coming, but this new stuff is just so dissapointing to learn. How do you deal with it when you encounter things you thought were deal breakers? I don't think I want to leave her just yet, considering I sacrificed my previous relationship to be with her, but I'm just really trend off by what I learned. Or am I just a prude? Apart from this stuff everything is perfect. Unfortunately it seems to me that there is not a lot left... apart from the smoking hot body. What was wrong with your previous relationship? That the girl you were with did not drink and smoke and did not steal? How boring! (I'm being sarcastic...) 1
Philosoraptor Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Haha what? A dealbreaker is something that is non negotiable. If it's a dealbreaker you end the relationship, albeit as nicely as possible. What you're doing is rebounding, which is why you are even considering living with something you don't like. Don't be needy, end the relationship and heal up like a man.
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 There are things that you can get over & things that are against your values. I do not like tatoos. I think they are ugly. If you are a body art person, great. I still don't like. DH has 5. Him having tatoos was no reason for me to break up with him. They aren't vulgar or anything. Drugs. . . . now that's a different story. No way. No how. Good bye. In the end it comes down to what you are willing to put up with. Here, you already don't like her lifestyle choices. I don't see meaningful long term prospects. 1
RedRobin Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Oopsie! This is what happens when you move things too fast... You also focused on the superficial instead of her lifestyle and values, sounds like. How do I manage deal breakers? I go slow or stop if I encounter a major one. Pull back and explain my concerns. Then I see what they do or how they react. Doesn't sound like she plans to change her behavior though... Doesn't sound like you two are compatible. IF you plan on sticking around just for sex, you owe it to her to explain the new terms of your arrangement... ie, FWB or FB. 1
xxoo Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Slow way down. Be honest that you are not at all ok with the stealing. Express your true feelings. Don't mislead her by acting like you are maybe ok with it if you aren't. These are early days, when you BOTH learn if you are compatible. You could decide her stealing is an incompatibility. She could decide that your prudishness (haha) is a dealbreaker. The important thing is that you are both honest about who you are, not pretending to be ok with things you aren't. How did you know her for years without knowing she smokes, does party drugs, and is a klepto? Now I've got Jane Addiction's Been Caught Stealing in my head...... 3
startinganew777 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Wow, sounds just like my ex boyfriend! To a tee! Just broke up with him about a month ago. We had a blast, were really into each other but there were some things I just couldn't deal with anymore. Things that sorta bothered me at first, chain smoking, in his apartment, gross, smoked weed everyday, and he was a major klepto. Stole from the grocery store all the time. Little things here and there. Then stole steaks and a pumpkin from in front of the store. Thing is, I was with him and was afraid I was going to get in trouble too. As time went on, I realized I could no longer deal with these issues, it got on my nerves so I ended it. It is early days for you, if they bother you now, they will drive you nuts later. Just a warning. 1
Author Eclypse Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 I seem to have got two threads got merged. Anyway. Yeah, it appears I've got me a bad girl. She's quite mischievous, and this carries into the sex. I'm covered in bruises and bite marks. I get completely worn out and she just keeps going. What a woman. To be honest, some of the stuff she's told me is actually a bit of a turn on, even though I strongly disagree with it. It's the whole "bad girl" aspect. I've never been with a girl like that. I knew her for years and I knew she partied, but I didn't know she took drugs when she went out. Nor did I know about the kleptomania, although I heard a rumor, but I didn't think it was true. Now I know she steals hundreds of dollars worth of stuff each time she goes out. I earn almost twice what she makes, so I understand she doesn't have as much money, but it's not like she's poor. She doesn't even have to pay rent. To be honest that's the part that worries me the most. It just makes me uncomfortable. There's a particular item I like, and she told me today she stole like 15 of them for me. I appreciate the gesture, but I just feel so bad about it. I'm going to have to ask her if she thinks she'll ever stop. Everything is moving extremely fast. When she said "I love you" I was thrown off guard, so I didn't respond. She pressed me on it and I said it back. I'm feeling strong feelings toward her, but love isn't the sort of thing that can happen in the space of a few weeks can it? Although we've always been into each other since we first met. Thanks for the advice guys. I think I will ride things out at the moment. We get along really well, she's really into me, and she's really nice. And like I said before, the physical attraction is just through the roof. She's tall, slender, and has these long beautiful legs that go forever. If it works out it works out. If not then... it was a hell of a toboggan ride. (She's 23, just like me, for the person who asked) 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 No offense but she sounds bat***** insane. 4
Mrlonelyone Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 OP. I really think you should try to get your old girl friend back. You had a good thing going, wanted to sample what else is out there, and you are about to find out that what you had was better, for you, than 98.8% of what's out there. After four years the early dating, not showing weakness, stuff goes right out the window. Go to your girlfriend and beg for her back. Go down on her, and forget all about this other woman. This new girl sound mad, bad, and dangerous to know. 2
veggirl Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 OP. I really think you should try to get your old girl friend back. You had a good thing going, wanted to sample what else is out there, and you are about to find out that what you had was better, for you, than 98.8% of what's out there. After four years the early dating, not showing weakness, stuff goes right out the window. Go to your girlfriend and beg for her back. Go down on her, and forget all about this other woman. This new girl sound mad, bad, and dangerous to know. Oh he will go crawling back when this bat**** insane chick dumps him just as fast as she "fell in love" with him. 1
Mariposa10 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Try being single for awhile!! You'll be amazed how much you'll learn about yourself. I was in a LTR, and wow, I can't believe all the stuff I've started to experience... Re-discover yourself!
Els Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 I'm really glad you broke up with your ex-gf rather than drag it on, Eclypse. Proud of you for having had the strength to do that. I think it's pretty obvious that new girl is a bad match for you all around. Don't beat yourself up over that - it's like a new R that didn't work out. No biggie. Perhaps it would be best to focus on yourself for the time being?
Els Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 OP. I really think you should try to get your old girl friend back. You had a good thing going, wanted to sample what else is out there, and you are about to find out that what you had was better, for you, than 98.8% of what's out there. After four years the early dating, not showing weakness, stuff goes right out the window. Go to your girlfriend and beg for her back. Go down on her, and forget all about this other woman. This new girl sound mad, bad, and dangerous to know. I agree with your last sentence - not anything else. The OP's posts about his ex-gf made me feel sad, frankly. Have you read them? In their 4 years together, she only called him once, on his birthday, and he had to specifically request that. He travels to her 100% of the time and she made zero effort in any other aspect of their R. Neither that nor this current R is good for him, IMO.
kassy Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Seriously, no more saying you love her. She is not someone to date. Stealing and drugs are big deal breakers if they are for you, which they are it appears. I agree it is time to be single. Do yourself a Favour and find someone who you like and have great sex with who doesn't have these issues. It may take a while but it is worth it. Agree that you learn more about yourself when single for a little bit.
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