RespectfullyAlone Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Has anyone channeled those negative but very strong feelings of wanting some sort of revenge over their ex? By revenge I mean going out, getting a better job, working on your fitness, looking hotter, doing all those sorts of things. Were you able to keep this up? Or did the that burning desire peter out? Did you ever see your ex again once you went full on down that self improvement path? I imagine that the reasons for going down this path would also change over time. Initially maybe because you want/hope your ex will see the new you and realize they made a mistake in leaving you. But then it getting to the point where you don't even honestly care what they think. Currently I've been having these feelings of I'll show you just how great a mistake you made! Then going out and busting my ass for a couple of years at the gym, to re-appear one day as a bigger, beefier, hopefully hotter guy. Add to that buying my own place, continuing on with my side business I've setup, and also a better paying job. It's all probably just a pipe dream and I'll hide under the covers and cry inside from the pain and hurt for the rest of my days.
RDawg Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I went the gym route after my previous break up. I was amazed at how big I got for a skinny guy. This time around I'm just sitting at the pub every night smoking and drinking beer. Your ex doesn't give a damn, better you or not. Do it for yourself. 1
strive Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 It's a good motivator to go out during those first few weeks. It's what made me get out of bed and function like a human being. Eating healthy also made me happier/more positive. But you shouldn't hold on to it for so long. By thinking that "someday I'll show you" it means that you're still holding on to hope that she'll come running back to you. RDawg is right. Do it for yourself because your ex doesn't care about what you're doing. Besides, if you do it right, by the time you reach your goals on self-improvement, you'll no longer care if she's looking or not. 3
HokeyReligions Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 My husband did this in the two years before meeting me. He, like me, was engaged to someone else and it fell apart. We both did the "I'll show you" diet and exercise plan. After some weeks/months post-breakup for both of us the feelings morphed into "what was I thinking! I can do better" and we focused on ourselves. Then we met and discovered we were both right about our exes - we could and did do better. We've been together 30 years. Don't get me wrong we both backslid a little during those post breakup years but we both picked ourselves up too. 5
RDawg Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Hokey - thank you! so good to hear from the old time posters!
Pa76 Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I wrote a list of stuff I want to do and first on list I am starting next week. I signed up for kickboxing. It really gets you in shape plus having MMA fighters for my instructors will absolutely get me in great shape. I'm skinny and want more going on. Haha. He goes to same lake as me so i am partly doing it so when he see's me paddle boarding his jaw drops. Mostly it's for me though. I will feel more confident, be able to defend myself and it's a great stress reliever. 2
ponchsox Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 My husband did this in the two years before meeting me. He, like me, was engaged to someone else and it fell apart. We both did the "I'll show you" diet and exercise plan. After some weeks/months post-breakup for both of us the feelings morphed into "what was I thinking! I can do better" and we focused on ourselves. Then we met and discovered we were both right about our exes - we could and did do better. We've been together 30 years. Don't get me wrong we both backslid a little during those post breakup years but we both picked ourselves up too. That is terrific testimony right there! And very encouraging! 2
AnyaNova Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 It's all probably just a pipe dream and I'll hide under the covers and cry inside from the pain and hurt for the rest of my days. Do you have any idea how exquisitely sensitive our brains are, to what we tell them? And to what lengths they will go to make what we tell them into reality? I know you feel discouraged, but right now, seriously find the positive things to tell yourself that you believe and tell yourself them every day! When you are programming your brain in this manner, be sure to never phrase it negatively, because our brains our famously bad at really "hearing" the negation, so if you tell yourself, "today I won't dwell on her." Your brain will hear, "today I will dwell on her." Some things that worked for me were to tell myself that "I'm happier alone than I am in a relationship with a man who so often leaves me feeling unconfident and who could choose to hurt me to alleviate his own pain." and "I will get over him." and I also programmed myself to stop saying things like, "I love him," or "I miss him,' to myself. Also, when thinking, talking or writing about it, I had to retrain myself to stop thinking in terms of "we" and "us" making a conscious effort on this also really helped my healing. It really helped my brain come to terms with the fact that it was truly and forever, over. But yes, channeling those feelings into "showing" them at the beginning in these ways is a very healthy thing to do, and eventually, somewhere along the line it does morph into doing it for yourself and perhaps for the next person who comes into your life. It stops being about doing it to "show them what they are missing." 1
Meadowgreen Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Do you have any idea how exquisitely sensitive our brains are, to what we tell them? And to what lengths they will go to make what we tell them into reality? I know you feel discouraged, but right now, seriously find the positive things to tell yourself that you believe and tell yourself them every day! When you are programming your brain in this manner, be sure to never phrase it negatively, because our brains our famously bad at really "hearing" the negation, so if you tell yourself, "today I won't dwell on her." Your brain will hear, "today I will dwell on her." Some things that worked for me were to tell myself that "I'm happier alone than I am in a relationship with a man who so often leaves me feeling unconfident and who could choose to hurt me to alleviate his own pain." and "I will get over him." and I also programmed myself to stop saying things like, "I love him," or "I miss him,' to myself. Also, when thinking, talking or writing about it, I had to retrain myself to stop thinking in terms of "we" and "us" making a conscious effort on this also really helped my healing. It really helped my brain come to terms with the fact that it was truly and forever, over. But yes, channeling those feelings into "showing" them at the beginning in these ways is a very healthy thing to do, and eventually, somewhere along the line it does morph into doing it for yourself and perhaps for the next person who comes into your life. It stops being about doing it to "show them what they are missing." What a beautiful answer, and it's so true about how our brains strive to make a reality out of what we desire, even when it's bad for us. 1
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Lifting weights is great but I worry when people base their whole confidence around it. They walk around saying LOOK AT ****ING ME MAN, TRENBOLONE BICEPS". Do it for a cause. Greater than your muscles in the ****ING mirror. Getting ripped doesn't get you more girls. Working on your inner game, on your emotional muscle. That's what gets you girls. Real girls. Real women. If you're ripped there's always someone out there who's more ripped than you. They'll be like "you're good, next guy." It's all about the emotional muscle. All those massive guys with big trenbolone muscles, ripped for two weeks of the year or whatever, it's just boring man. Those guys have low confidence so they have to have all that steroid muscles so they can feel good about themselves. But it's just steroid muscle and when they lose that people just think oooooh... Do you want to attract low caliber people or high caliber? If it's the high quality work on your emotional muscle. If it's low caliber than jack yourself up and get a fast car and a big house. Girls want guys with confidence and that are funny and good listeners. Aesthetics is a bonus. 1
Sugarkane Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 My husband did this in the two years before meeting me. He, like me, was engaged to someone else and it fell apart. We both did the "I'll show you" diet and exercise plan. After some weeks/months post-breakup for both of us the feelings morphed into "what was I thinking! I can do better" and we focused on ourselves. Then we met and discovered we were both right about our exes - we could and did do better. We've been together 30 years. Don't get me wrong we both backslid a little during those post breakup years but we both picked ourselves up too. I made a post about this recently. But what if you never run into them?
Sugarkane Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I wish I could show up an ex, especially the one that played games, then gloated about his new life and went psycho on me. I lost a lit of weight when I joined here because it was a super bad breakup. Not good as I was a healthy weight beforehand. But I avoided my ex like the plague after my breakup. I've been working on the career part, but what do you do if you never see exes? They only seem to think twice, Maube if you run into them? 1
Phoe Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 Yes! I have always channeled that anger in a positive way. I have always been a gym rat, but I'm pushing harder than ever in my anger. I force myself to be as happy as possible, I force myself to be active and go out even more than I normally would. I won't let myself not have fun. All my energy is being focused into having fun and enjoying my life 1
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