When is it ok to ask for clarification?

[Travelling man]

Hey there, first post!

 

So I've been seeing this one girl a few times now. It kind of started off fast, as I spent the night already on our second meeting (no sex) and the next time I also spent the night (no sex). No sex, because I have had this feeling of doing it right this time. I don't know if it's the right way at all, but I have started to feel like this is the right way for me.

 

Anyway, after the second night, she told me she needed space. It made me a little upset, because I think I really got attached to this girl simply by cuddling with her through the night those couple of times. We've gone out twice after this. The first of those times ended with a make-out session while the second time did end with kisses being exchanged, it did not end as hot and heavy.

 

Anyway, right in the beginning she told me that she broke up with her ex-fiance only some 3-4 months ago and that they were still talking and he wanted her back. He had cheated on her. I know, this was supposed to be the point when I should've had turned away, but I didn't and ended up getting attached and falling for this girl.

 

On the first one of our last two dates we talked about stuff, a good talk, about our possible future and all that. And she did tell me that maybe something can happen between us. I didn't want to dig in about her current situation with the ex, because I wanted to keep the talk about us, me and her.

 

The last date, a week ago, I felt like no progression was made and it was more and more evident to me that she wanted to keep her distance and guard up. We had a good time, but it left me wondering what is the point of this...

 

Now for the sake of my own sanity, I would like to have this talk with her, where I could clarify the situation between us. She seems more and more distant with me lately and I've tried really hard to not bomb her with the occasional "hey, how you doing?" texts, and so far been doing pretty good job with it. Although I did break and two days ago did send a simple "Hey xxxxxx!". I knew she had a day off, and just wanted to say hi and all that, but she didn't reply before 24 hours later with a "Hi...". Now this was disappointing, so I asked how she was doing, which she never replied to. Once again, this is becoming more and more upsetting, because I developed these feelings for her early on. I'm just thinking that the situation with her and her ex is progressing somewhere now.

 

So what I'm asking if it's ok for me to ask clarification about the situation between the two of us now? Or should I just simply drop it completely for now. Had we only been out a couple of times without intimacy, I wouldn't even consider this, but we've been out 6 times now and with all the mixed signals and messages I've got from her are really messing up my head. Of course this all could've been prevented by backing off the first time I learnt from the ex, but that line was crossed already in the beginning and I let feelings develop.

Edited November 28, 2013 by Travelling man

[fixing]

Time to completely back off im afraid. Put her out of your mind. She has ignored your last two messages, thats enough for you to leave her alone now.

 

If you go looking for clarification is going to make you seem clingy and overly persistent.

 

Sounds like she probably still in love with her ex. You will only get hurt if you put more energy into this woman.

[todreaminblue]

As a female i would respect a guy who asked me to clarify and would be honest ....i would not feel he was being clingy...i would also deeply respect aman who said this is what i want.......and i wont acceot less than that....that is a take charge kinda guy......deb

[winny]

Hey there, first post!

 

So I've been seeing this one girl a few times now. It kind of started off fast, as I spent the night already on our second meeting (no sex) and the next time I also spent the night (no sex). No sex, because I have had this feeling of doing it right this time. I don't know if it's the right way at all, but I have started to feel like this is the right way for me.

 

Anyway, after the second night, she told me she needed space. It made me a little upset, because I think I really got attached to this girl simply by cuddling with her through the night those couple of times. We've gone out twice after this. The first of those times ended with a make-out session while the second time did end with kisses being exchanged, it did not end as hot and heavy.

 

Anyway, right in the beginning she told me that she broke up with her ex-fiance only some 3-4 months ago and that they were still talking and he wanted her back. He had cheated on her. I know, this was supposed to be the point when I should've had turned away, but I didn't and ended up getting attached and falling for this girl.

 

On the first one of our last two dates we talked about stuff, a good talk, about our possible future and all that. And she did tell me that maybe something can happen between us. I didn't want to dig in about her current situation with the ex, because I wanted to keep the talk about us, me and her.

 

The last date, a week ago, I felt like no progression was made and it was more and more evident to me that she wanted to keep her distance and guard up. We had a good time, but it left me wondering what is the point of this...

 

Now for the sake of my own sanity, I would like to have this talk with her, where I could clarify the situation between us. She seems more and more distant with me lately and I've tried really hard to not bomb her with the occasional "hey, how you doing?" texts, and so far been doing pretty good job with it. Although I did break and two days ago did send a simple "Hey xxxxxx!". I knew she had a day off, and just wanted to say hi and all that, but she didn't reply before 24 hours later with a "Hi...". Now this was disappointing, so I asked how she was doing, which she never replied to. Once again, this is becoming more and more upsetting, because I developed these feelings for her early on. I'm just thinking that the situation with her and her ex is progressing somewhere now.

 

So what I'm asking if it's ok for me to ask clarification about the situation between the two of us now? Or should I just simply drop it completely for now. Had we only been out a couple of times without intimacy, I wouldn't even consider this, but we've been out 6 times now and with all the mixed signals and messages I've got from her are really messing up my head. Of course this all could've been prevented by backing off the first time I learnt from the ex, but that line was crossed already in the beginning and I let feelings develop.

 

Just ask her once - for a clarification on where you people stand.

If no response or bad response, drop it.

 

Even if you get a clarification from her, still I don't think it will be anything that you will like. May be will help get you a closure on things.

I think she has moved on.

[Travelling man]

did she invite you or did you invite yourself?

First night was more of a movie night gone too late and she told me I could stay the night. The next time she asked me to come over.

 

you spent the night at her place 2 nights in a row, & when she tells you she needs space, you are upset? something is wrong with you. you aren't respecting her boundaries. it wouldn't surprise me if you imposed your sleepovers upon her. major red flags.

Sorry for not being clear enough, but these night were about a week apart.

 

 

it's not rocket science: date one she said something may happen, date two she made it evident she was not interested.

Could be... but then again, I don't know if I'm reading too much into this, I asked only to spend the evening together, but she suggested to spend the whole day together on the last date.

 

I don't know. I'm just going to try to let this one go and I'll get my clarification if I will. Assuming that I won't though. It had been me for the past month with initiating the dates and most of the contact too, so I'll just cut it here.

[d0nnivain]

You can always ask for clarification at any point when you feel like you need it. You might not like the answer though.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't hold back from asking for clarification and am also happy to give it if a guy needs it. Still, unless a guy was a total a-hole when clarifying I have 3 rules: is it true? is it kind? is it necessary?

[Travelling man]

Just to follow up here...

 

Well I did get my clarification.

 

No, I didn't like it, but it doesn't feel awful either. I mean, I completely understand that she has her feelings after a long relationship and as there is still a chance for them to work things out, I need to step aside from this picture. She says she has set a specific time frame for this guy to step it up and she did tell me when this is. Then again, I can't be a fool and wait for this. I understand that she can't just magically turn off her feelings once the time comes and it didn't work out for them. And even if she can, she probably needs her time to get over it completely. However, I am a little upset that she led me to believe something else about her status with this guy in the beginning.

 

It's too bad. I haven't felt like this for anyone in a long time. She's an amazing person and I would like to have her as a friend if nothing else. Not sure how to accomplish that though, with the feelings I have for her. I have already set my life for new directions sooner than enough, and she knows this, which could have also affected her approach towards me. Well, she did actually mention this too. I will be moving away although I did let her know early on that if I know I have a good thing going on here, I would check my plans. But me knowing her situation, wanting to see things through with her ex, or whatever their situation should be called, they're on a break the very least, I won't turn things around in my life.

 

Maybe it was just a wrong time. Had I met her 2 years earlier in this small little town? Not even gonna go there.

 

Thanks for the replies all!

[BOREDouttaMymind]

communicate...

communicate...

communicate...

 

if you cant ask her.. shes not the one to date. period.