Should I consider breaking temporary no contact with my gf? [update: ambushed!]

[MrBossMan]

No, no, no, no, no. You don't talk to a family member about this -- talk about looking weak. The mom is not in the relationship, you and your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex are. Silence, silence, silence. This might be the worst idea yet.

 

Ok, ok. No contact to anyone. But if her mom calls ME, I will just say that I can't deal with her anymore and not give anything resembling a hint for reconciliation. I'll say that she has to find someone new. I'll meet you halfway with that.

Her mom is the only one I'll talk to, but only as a response. And I'll limit it to a one-time thing. I'll ignore even her calls after that. Is that reasonable?

[Simon Phoenix]

A warning to her mother might not be a bad idea in this case. Just a heads up that things are bad... mom has been through this before and probably has some skill in dealing with her. My mother did.

 

I don't agree. I think it shows even more weakness. JMO.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok, ok. No contact to anyone. But if her mom calls ME, I will just say that I can't deal with her anymore and not give anything resembling a hint for reconciliation. I'll say that she has to find someone new. I'll meet you halfway with that.

Her mom is the only one I'll talk to, but only as a response. And I'll limit it to a one-time thing. I'll ignore even her calls after that. Is that reasonable?

 

If the mom calls, then yes, it's cool to answer. But I wouldn't go into very much detail about anything. Just say that you appreciated her support and you think highly of her (the mother, not the daughter), but this is something that had to be done.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

When it comes to mental illness and dangerous people, warning a family member can be valuable. But no more than a warning or you go into what Simon is talking about... looking like a weak doormat.

 

Just do not get sappy with the mother. Don't go into details, she's heard it before. You can tell her you are parting ways but don't tell her how much you care about her what your view is of the relationship is.

[MrBossMan]

I have a feeling that she hasn't tried contacting me since Monday in some kind of lets-see-who-gives-in-first kind of game. So no, no contact. She has to realize that I'm beyond the usual temporary silent treatment thing. She has to realize that this could very well be the end of our relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

I have a feeling that she hasn't tried contacting me since Monday in some kind of lets-see-who-gives-in-first kind of game. So no, no contact. She has to realize that I'm beyond the usual temporary silent treatment thing. She has to realize that this could very well be the end of our relationship.

 

Not very well could be. It has to be. There's no room for you to waffle on this, though I know you want to waffle worse than anything.

[MrBossMan]

When it comes to mental illness and dangerous people, warning a family member can be valuable. But no more than a warning or you go into what Simon is talking about... looking like a weak doormat.

 

Just do not get sappy with the mother. Don't go into details, she's heard it before. You can tell her you are parting ways but don't tell her how much you care about her what your view is of the relationship is.

 

Yeah, this is probably best. I'll make sure she realizes that I'm pretty much fed up to the point where I'm no longer interested in talking about how great the relationship was or how it can still be saved, etc.

 

Because she'll then go talk to my gf and relay my attitude which is almost as bad as breaking NC directly.

[MrBossMan]

Not very well could be. It has to be. There's no room for you to waffle on this, though I know you want to waffle worse than anything.

 

Part of me does. I wanna waffle like... no, bad time to joke.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, this is probably best. I'll make sure she realizes that I'm pretty much fed up to the point where I'm no longer interested in talking about how great the relationship was or how it can still be saved, etc.

 

Because she'll then go talk to my gf and relay my attitude which is almost as bad as breaking NC directly.

 

Don't make her realize anything. Just be nice to the mom but say that the decision is made. That's it.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Yeah, this is probably best. I'll make sure she realizes that I'm pretty much fed up to the point where I'm no longer interested in talking about how great the relationship was or how it can still be saved, etc.

 

Because she'll then go talk to my gf and relay my attitude which is almost as bad as breaking NC directly.

 

Oh, I thought you said she was level-headed. Like, you could talk to her without her relaying everything.

 

If you don't think you can trust the mother like that, you may just need to let it go.

[MrBossMan]

Oh, I thought you said she was level-headed. Like, you could talk to her without her relaying everything.

 

If you don't think you can trust the mother like that, you may just need to let it go.

 

I meant that she will be reasonable in her interpretations of what I say and will talk sense into her daughter. Now with her being my gf's mom and because she likes me, she will definitely try to get her daughter to change her behavior as she always does. But it won't be long until my gf falls back into her old psychotic ways, and probably worse than before.

[Simon Phoenix]

I meant that she will be reasonable in her interpretations of what I say and will talk sense into her daughter. Now with her being my gf's mom and because she likes me, she will definitely try to get her daughter to change her behavior as she always does. But it won't be long until my gf falls back into her old psychotic ways, and probably worse than before.

 

Yeah, no talking to the mom. This is something your girlfriend has to realize on her own -- she can't be given tips, cliff notes, coaching. Anything that results in the mom being a go-between is a terrible idea.

[MrBossMan]

Yeah, no talking to the mom. This is something your girlfriend has to realize on her own -- she can't be given tips, cliff notes, coaching. Anything that results in the mom being a go-between is a terrible idea.

 

Agreed. I'm seeing that now. IF anything, I'll just assert to her that the final decision is made.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Yeah, no talking to the mom. This is something your girlfriend has to realize on her own -- she can't be given tips, cliff notes, coaching. Anything that results in the mom being a go-between is a terrible idea.

 

Yeah. Talking to the mom right now does sound like a bad idea.

 

I was thinking more of two concerned people talking behind the back of a mentally ill person. I know my mother has had conversations with people who cared about me and were concerned, but she didn't tell me about them. That wouldn't work well.

[Simon Phoenix]

Agreed. I'm seeing that now. IF anything, I'll just assert to her that the final decision is made.

 

I would talk about it as little as possible with as little detail as possible. Wish her well, be polite, but no opening up to her. And no initiating contact -- only talk to the mom if she seeks you out.

[MrBossMan]

I would talk about it as little as possible with as little detail as possible. Wish her well, be polite, but no opening up to her. And no initiating contact -- only talk to the mom if she seeks you out.

 

Now here's another question: What do I do if she shows up at my house? I'm not the only one that lives here, and if she does, someone is likely to let her in.

[Simon Phoenix]

Now here's another question: What do I do if she shows up at my house? I'm not the only one that lives here, and if she does, someone is likely to let her in.

 

First of all, tell your roommate not to let her in. Second, either ignore her, or tell her to go away then ignore her. But yeah, let your roommates know what's going on so she's not allowed in.

[MrBossMan]

First of all, tell your roommate not to let her in. Second, either ignore her, or tell her to go away then ignore her. But yeah, let your roommates know what's going on so she's not allowed in.

 

Ok, I'll let them know not to let her in and hope they comply. So I guess that's the plan.

 

Should I start dating new people? Nah, too soon, right?

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok, I'll let them know not to let her in and hope they comply. So I guess that's the plan.

 

Should I start dating new people? Nah, too soon, right?

 

Way too soon. To be honest and blunt, you need to figure out what happened to your balls and how to get them back. Because the fact that you put yourself in this type of relationship shows some self-esteem issues. I would stay single and try to figure out why you willingly subjected yourself to a year-and-a-half of this.

[MrBossMan]

Way too soon. To be honest and blunt, you need to figure out what happened to your balls and how to get them back. Because the fact that you put yourself in this type of relationship shows some self-esteem issues. I would stay single and try to figure out why you willingly subjected yourself to a year-and-a-half of this.

 

2 years and a half.

 

I also have some things that belong to her, so I better leave them at her house with her family when I know she won't be home.

[Simon Phoenix]

2 years and a half.

 

I also have some things that belong to her, so I better leave them at her house with her family when I know she won't be home.

 

Even worse. And yes, that's good idea, box them up and drop them off. Or mail them.

[MrBossMan]

Even worse. And yes, that's good idea, box them up and drop them off. Or mail them.

 

Sigh...

 

Thanks for your help. I guess I better start the process of getting my act together. I don't think it's a self-esteem issue because I'm not like this with anyone but her (and one other girl in the past). Maybe I just put women too high on a pedestal.

 

But you really helped me out, here, my friend.

 

If there are any new developments, I'll come back.

[MrBossMan]

Update:

 

Didn't contact her. Her mom called me to wish me happy thanksgiving last night. She asked if I was ok (possibly trying to get me to volunteer info) and I just said I'm fine. Other than a little bit of small talk in between, that was the entire conversation. I'm not even sure if she actually knows that anything is wrong. I feel bad for her because she has always seemed concerned about her daughter's ability to keep a man. Major red flag, I know. I've ignored a lot of them.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm ready to break up. My cousin told me that the fact that she's disrespecting me and complaining about what I do no matter what means that she doesn't really want to be with me, but is probably just in love with being in a relationship and desperate to get married to anyone. The NC has already given me enough time to detach emotionally and see the big picture... that she's not a good woman to be in a relationship with. And I've already realized that I've been suppressing my own feelings of misery just to keep it alive.

 

If anything significant happens, I'll update you.

 

Thank you all for your help. Any more advice from newcomers is still welcome.

Edited November 30, 2013 by MrBossMan

[Sugarkane]

This woman sounds like the complete opposite of "sweet". She was all over her ex infront of you, constantly belittles and compares you to exes and laughs at murder scenes- most disturbing if all.

[Sugarkane]

Your ex reminds me a little of mine. I stuck it out only to ironically be told I had low self esteem ( I wonder why?) and dumped.