Should I consider breaking temporary no contact with my gf? [update: ambushed!]

November 28, 2013

Hey, guys. Please just give me your best advice on this one.

I'm on a break from my gf (of 2 years) for the past 3 days. It's Wednesday night now, and we last spoke on Sunday.

On Sunday, she called me when she knew I was busy doing school work to criticize me in general about how I'm not making enough money and she's tired of us doing only free or cheap things. I'm a full-time student and senior in college and I don't work much because I want to focus on finishing school. She works full-time.

Over the course of most of our relationship, she's had a problem being respectful to me and has frequent angry meltdowns (possibly BPD). She blows up at her family members and friends, so it's not just me. Oftentimes, she'll throw a temper tantrum when nothing was even said to her.

Once, I ended up following behind her walking down a secluded street in an infamously dangerous neighborhood around 1 or 2 AM while she was beside herself in anger at me. When she calmed down later at her house, the explanation for her meltdown was that she didn't like the "condescending" expression on my face earlier when she couldn't find something.

Back to Sunday... At one point of this attack, she began to scream at me on the phone and I immediately hung up on her for the first time in our relationship. Well, I finally had enough and asked her why she doesn't just find someone who is already what she wants me to be instead of waiting for me. The conversation now moves to emails. And her disrespect continues.

Then on Monday, she tried to contact me several times, but I ignored her and didn't respond. She hasn't tried since. She has shown no desire to talk about her anger issues, and bringing it up only brings out her anger. I love her, but I don't want to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I may be better off just breaking up with her to focus on my life and maybe finding someone that doesn't lose her temper easily.

I'm hoping the NC will force her to take her issues seriously because obviously, other than these anger issues, she's a great person or I wouldn't even try to keep things going.

So I have 2 questions:

1. Should I break no contact to say Happy Thanksgiving?

2. Should I break up with her?

Edited November 28, 2013 by MrBossMan

November 28, 2013

This is toxic bro, get away from the situation and find someone who will treat you better. No one deserves to spend their life with someone who doesn't appreciate them.

November 28, 2013

This is toxic bro, get away from the situation and find someone who will treat you better. No one deserves to spend their life with someone who doesn't appreciate them.

Thanks for your reply, Salvatore.

Yes, I've realized this over a year ago, but you know how it is. And it's especially difficult because she managed to hide this side of her for half a year into the relationship.

Something happened at that point: We (both of us, and also her female best friend) ran into one of her significant exes and she seemed to be so smitten and distracted that I literally waved my hand in front of her face at one point. She later said she didn't notice when I did that.

I was furious, and stopped talking to her for a few days at that point, and she was clearly afraid I would break up with her (and admitted it later). Maybe when I forgave her, she figured that she could get away with a lot more and stopped trying to be on her best behavior.

She also started acting more her crazy self at this point. My bro even told me that once, he saw me and her watching a movie at my house and she was laughing hysterically at a murder scene that was in no way funny. He told me she's nuts. Hmmm...

November 28, 2013

Haha oh man.

My ex left me because I used to never be able to calm down when I was angry(which was very rare, because I'm a chill person). He said he didn't want to deal with it for the rest of his life. As soon as he left, I realized my mistakes and bettered myself(He still never came back though).

Your girl seems 90 billion times worse than I was. WHY THE HELL you put up with someone that mean to you? A girlfriend is supposed to support you and make you happy, not bring you down all the time. Let her go. Maybe after 3 or 4 months of No Contact if you still want her and when you think she may have learned from this, go back and check things out. If she's still crazy, move on and be grateful you got out in time (:

November 28, 2013

Here's a different perspective that might help you. Or at least give you something to think about.

You're reacting to the anger and not the cause, which is why it never gets resolved and just festers as a rot in the relationship. Does she tell you the cause or do you ask her? I am sure you're trying your best but what you're doing is probably not the right method since she still treats you like crap.

That said, it is NOT your responsibility to fix her bad behavior. She has to fix herself. She has to WANT to fix herself. The best you can do is point her to the right direction especially if she needs help or counseling for it. Do it gently though if you think she's resisting offered help. I think honest communication is key, that is IF you're both willing to talk about it.

Like your gf I also used to have a lot of anger issues that only got bandaid fixes and never really healed from the source. At least not until after my ex and I broke up.

I'm not saying don't break up with her, and I'm not saying you should break up with her either. However, nobody deserves to be treated that way and you have a justifiable reason to break up with her. Chances are, if the source of her anger is you or your RS, she'd be a completely different and even a NICE person once you're broken up.

November 28, 2013

Trust me dude I understand it. I put up with quite a bit, had friends and family basically screaming at me to dump her but I wouldn't. I guess I sort of hate seeing people go through the same crap I went through. It may get better but in my experience it got much worse so I'm just accustomed to telling people to move on and find something better. Either way bro, I wish you the best.

November 28, 2013

Haha oh man.

My ex left me because I used to never be able to calm down when I was angry(which was very rare, because I'm a chill person). He said he didn't want to deal with it for the rest of his life. As soon as he left, I realized my mistakes and bettered myself(He still never came back though).

Your girl seems 90 billion times worse than I was. WHY THE HELL you put up with someone that mean to you? A girlfriend is supposed to support you and make you happy, not bring you down all the time. Let her go. Maybe after 3 or 4 months of No Contact if you still want her and when you think she may have learned from this, go back and check things out. If she's still crazy, move on and be grateful you got out in time (:

Hi, there. Thanks for replying. I'm glad you sorted it out.

That's probably the best thing to do; take a break for a long while and see if anything has changed. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to have a HEALTHY relationship with this girl, but I don't want to even RISK the possibility of being another guy separating from or divorcing my wife with kids and responsibilities.

This doesn't look good, to tell you the truth. Chances are, I'll just have to move on. Even if she doesn't express it, the same feelings are almost sure to come back and she will resent me. She's the type to never be satisfied for long.

For example, she complained that I didn't have a steady job almost 2 years ago (same situation: I was focusing on school), so I found a steady job immediately. But right after I started working, she started picking intense fights with me almost every other day.

Know what? Thanks, because talking (typing) it out really puts reality into perspective.

This relationship is doomed, isn't it?

November 28, 2013

She also started acting more her crazy self at this point. My bro even told me that once, he saw me and her watching a movie at my house and she was laughing hysterically at a murder scene that was in no way funny. He told me she's nuts. Hmmm...

I reached that point too, but by then I knew there was something wrong with me that needed fixing. Is she aware of this? I think she really needs help.

November 28, 2013

Here's a different perspective that might help you. Or at least give you something to think about.

You're reacting to the anger and not the cause, which is why it never gets resolved and just festers as a rot in the relationship. Does she tell you the cause or do you ask her? I am sure you're trying your best but what you're doing is probably not the right method since she still treats you like crap.

That said, it is NOT your responsibility to fix her bad behavior. She has to fix herself. She has to WANT to fix herself. The best you can do is point her to the right direction especially if she needs help or counseling for it. Do it gently though if you think she's resisting offered help. I think honest communication is key, that is IF you're both willing to talk about it.

Like your gf I also used to have a lot of anger issues that only got bandaid fixes and never really healed from the source. At least not until after my ex and I broke up.

I'm not saying don't break up with her, and I'm not saying you should break up with her either. However, nobody deserves to be treated that way and you have a justifiable reason to break up with her. Chances are, if the source of her anger is you or your RS, she'd be a completely different and even a NICE person once you're broken up.

Good advice. Thank you.

Well, I have tried to get at the real issue with no luck. I can't get through the wall of rage. I think that maybe counseling is the only hope.

I know it isn't me because she has had a lot of failed relationships in the past. I mean a LOT. At the 1-year point, she told me that this was the longest she has gone in a relationship without it ending or going on an on-again-off-again point (and we're over 2 years in now).

That doesn't stop her from putting me down by comparing me to her exes and telling me how they knew how to make a girl feel special and how to spoil her, etc. And at calmer times, she puts down her exes in ways that contradict these comparisons.

Also, she has the anger issue with others, not just me. I've witnessed her screaming at her father while he sort of cowered to her (possibly the source?) She admitted that she's been this way long before I came along.

November 28, 2013

Trust me dude I understand it. I put up with quite a bit, had friends and family basically screaming at me to dump her but I wouldn't. I guess I sort of hate seeing people go through the same crap I went through. It may get better but in my experience it got much worse so I'm just accustomed to telling people to move on and find something better. Either way bro, I wish you the best.

Thanks, friend. Same to you.

November 28, 2013

Hi, there. Thanks for replying. I'm glad you sorted it out.

That's probably the best thing to do; take a break for a long while and see if anything has changed. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to have a HEALTHY relationship with this girl, but I don't want to even RISK the possibility of being another guy separating from or divorcing my wife with kids and responsibilities.

This doesn't look good, to tell you the truth. Chances are, I'll just have to move on. Even if she doesn't express it, the same feelings are almost sure to come back and she will resent me. She's the type to never be satisfied for long.

For example, she complained that I didn't have a steady job almost 2 years ago (same situation: I was focusing on school), so I found a steady job immediately. But right after I started working, she started picking intense fights with me almost every other day.

Know what? Thanks, because talking (typing) it out really puts reality into perspective.

This relationship is doomed, isn't it?

Well, I wish my ex had been a guy like you that wouldn't want to let me go. But I'm glad he is who he is because he was able to walk away from someone he felt was bringing him down...I actually think you should do the same. This relationship is obviously OBVIOUSLY doomed because she doesn't sound like the type of person that is willing to change for someone, and therefore she doesn't deserve someone as loyal as you.

Girls would love a man this loyal for a change, I think you should just find someone else that makes you happy and honestly values you. She doesn't. Please please please leave her if you value your own happiness.

November 28, 2013

I reached that point too, but by then I knew there was something wrong with me that needed fixing. Is she aware of this? I think she really needs help.

She seems comfortable in staying the same.

Anytime I even hint at her having a problem, she starts seething with rage.

There were early signs, looking back. In the beginning, she said something strange and funny to which I replied, "Haha you're crazy." And she got a little serious and demanded answers to why I said that, if I really think she's crazy, etc. I reassured her that I was just kidding.

Maybe this is one of those problems that is so deeply embedded and so well protected that it will never be fixed. If this is the case, I'm not sticking around for it.

A wise man once said that it's better to live in the wilderness or on the corner of the top of a house than to live with a contentious and angry wife.

November 28, 2013

Being a dumpee myself, I don't want to be one of those people who just casually says "forget her" or "just dump her" because of how much hurt/anger/resentment it would cause. But I think this might be a good thing for her. It might knock some sense into her and make her look into some deep-seated problems she's hiding.

However if after the breakup she didn't change and continued on being verbally abusive to the people who love her, then be happy that you're out of a toxic relationship.

Good luck. I hope you find a good solution for this.

November 28, 2013

Well, I wish my ex had been a guy like you that wouldn't want to let me go. But I'm glad he is who he is because he was able to walk away from someone he felt was bringing him down...I actually think you should do the same. This relationship is obviously OBVIOUSLY doomed because she doesn't sound like the type of person that is willing to change for someone, and therefore she doesn't deserve someone as loyal as you.

Girls would love a man this loyal for a change, I think you should just find someone else that makes you happy and honestly values you. She doesn't. Please please please leave her if you value your own happiness.

Thank you, Aries. Your words are appreciated. I admit that it feels good to hear that I'm not the bad guy once in a while.

Part of the reasoning behind my perseverance with her is that I wanted to be the guy who would stick around in spite of her flaws and help her to be a better person. That I would understand that I could easily be happier by giving up on her and being with another girl, but I would choose to sacrifice my own happiness out of love for her.

But, I also think that this kind of relationship is probably best saved for marriage, especially as I don't believe in divorce except for cheating or other extreme circumstances.

I'm in my 20's, btw, just in case anyone is wondering.

November 28, 2013

Being a dumpee myself, I don't want to be one of those people who just casually says "forget her" or "just dump her" because of how much hurt/anger/resentment it would cause. But I think this might be a good thing for her. It might knock some sense into her and make her look into some deep-seated problems she's hiding.

However if after the breakup she didn't change and continued on being verbally abusive to the people who love her, then be happy that you're out of a toxic relationship.

Good luck. I hope you find a good solution for this.

I really hope so, too. Thank you. Your advice is beyond helpful. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

November 28, 2013

Honestly, you need to run, not walk, away from this. Why would you put up with this type of treatment for two years? Boggles my mind. Honestly, for No Contact to have any effect, you have to be gone and stay gone. Do you really think that three days of No Contact broken by a Happy Thanksgiving will do anything to rectify this issue? You need to be gone for months, as in six months plus. Issues with rage and anger don't get solved overnight, and you shouldn't subject yourself to any more of this than you already have. Obviously being there for her isn't doing any good -- it just enables her behavior. And you wishing a Happy Thanksgiving would enable that same unacceptable behavior.

If you want to be with someone who treats you with respect (be it with your reformed ex in the future or someone else entirely), you have to pull the plug on this. You know the score of the game. If you continue to play, you are basically saying you have no value and that it's ok for her to treat you like dirt.

November 28, 2013

Thank you, Aries. Your words are appreciated. I admit that it feels good to hear that I'm not the bad guy once in a while.

Part of the reasoning behind my perseverance with her is that I wanted to be the guy who would stick around in spite of her flaws and help her to be a better person. That I would understand that I could easily be happier by giving up on her and being with another girl, but I would choose to sacrifice my own happiness out of love for her.

But, I also think that this kind of relationship is probably best saved for marriage, especially as I don't believe in divorce except for cheating or other extreme circumstances.

I'm in my 20's, btw, just in case anyone is wondering.

Same with not believing in divorce, but yeah, you've stuck around enough, she's not getting it, so she's gotta go because this thankfully isn't your marriage yet. Don't worry, she'll definitely miss you when you're gone Happy Thanksgiving and goodnight

November 28, 2013

Thank you, Aries. Your words are appreciated. I admit that it feels good to hear that I'm not the bad guy once in a while.

Part of the reasoning behind my perseverance with her is that I wanted to be the guy who would stick around in spite of her flaws and help her to be a better person. That I would understand that I could easily be happier by giving up on her and being with another girl, but I would choose to sacrifice my own happiness out of love for her.

But, I also think that this kind of relationship is probably best saved for marriage, especially as I don't believe in divorce except for cheating or other extreme circumstances.

I'm in my 20's, btw, just in case anyone is wondering.

This statement sounds like one I've heard from women more times than I can count when asked why they stick around with men who belittle them, manipulate them, treat them like crap, hit them, etc. -- they want to be the ones to get the other person to change for them.

But that's not going to happen, because there's no reason for her to change if you are going to stay around and endure it. Why should she? She can act however she wants and it's cool, because she knows you don't have the moxie to leave. The odds of her changing and you guys living happily ever after are small, mostly because by the time she does change, you'll have moved on and met someone else and her change will be felt by the next guy she meets. But the odds of her changing if you stick around and "take it" are zero. There's no reason to.

November 28, 2013

Honestly, you need to run, not walk, away from this. Why would you put up with this type of treatment for two years? Boggles my mind. Honestly, for No Contact to have any effect, you have to be gone and stay gone. Do you really think that three days of No Contact broken by a Happy Thanksgiving will do anything to rectify this issue? You need to be gone for months, as in six months plus. Issues with rage and anger don't get solved overnight, and you shouldn't subject yourself to any more of this than you already have. Obviously being there for her isn't doing any good -- it just enables her behavior. And you wishing a Happy Thanksgiving would enable that same unacceptable behavior.

If you want to be with someone who treats you with respect (be it with your reformed ex in the future or someone else entirely), you have to pull the plug on this. You know the score of the game. If you continue to play, you are basically saying you have no value and that it's ok for her to treat you like dirt.

Thanks, Simon.

Yes, I agree that my letting it slide has probably had an enabling effect. The more I stick around, the worse it gets. And before, after she calmed down from an anger episode, she used to apologize profusely. Now, she won't even do that.

And she also insists that I take responsibility for whatever the problem is, even if I did everything in my power to keep it from happening. About 2 weeks ago, she did this and went back and forth with me all day until like 4am the next morning until I admitted I was wrong for not figuring out a way to make things go as she wanted in spite of the fact that she admitted sabotaging it to begin with.

Sigh... whatever. This is likely to be a lost cause.

November 28, 2013

Same with not believing in divorce, but yeah, you've stuck around enough, she's not getting it, so she's gotta go because this thankfully isn't your marriage yet. Don't worry, she'll definitely miss you when you're gone Happy Thanksgiving and goodnight

Yep, I can't deny that what you just said is the truth. I'm free to go now with no kids and no ties other than the emotional ones. It's best to sell this stock now while I'm ahead.

Same to you! Thanks for your help

November 28, 2013

I think your suspicion of BPD is likely. She's not even in a place where she can talk about her problems, so I can tell you she's not ready to fix them.

I have BPD. When I am constantly mindful, I can control my actions. I remind myself that it's my disorder that is flooding my brain with these emotions. I remind myself that my thinking distorts and it would be a bad idea for me to react or try to make judgement calls at those times.

Now, that's with constant mindfulness... she's nowhere near there.

When you break up with her, her world will come crumbling down and her fear of abandonment will kick in hard. She will do pathetic things to try and keep you around. She will throw out desperate attempts to get you to contact her.

Expect to hear her threaten suicide. You cannot give in to this. Do not reinforce to her that threats of suicide can get her what she wants.

When you break up with her, you need to go no contact.

November 28, 2013

This statement sounds like one I've heard from women more times than I can count when asked why they stick around with men who belittle them, manipulate them, treat them like crap, hit them, etc. -- they want to be the ones to get the other person to change for them.

But that's not going to happen, because there's no reason for her to change if you are going to stay around and endure it. Why should she? She can act however she wants and it's cool, because she knows you don't have the moxie to leave. The odds of her changing and you guys living happily ever after are small, mostly because by the time she does change, you'll have moved on and met someone else and her change will be felt by the next guy she meets. But the odds of her changing if you stick around and "take it" are zero. There's no reason to.

This is rock-solid advice. She seems to be one of those people who are unable to learn the easy way, which is through warnings and advice. She clearly needs reality to hit her hard and for her her actual life to be affected for her to process it. I guess this is the last ditch attempt.

November 28, 2013

I think your suspicion of BPD is likely. She's not even in a place where she can talk about her problems, so I can tell you she's not ready to fix them.

I have BPD. When I am constantly mindful, I can control my actions. I remind myself that it's my disorder that is flooding my brain with these emotions. I remind myself that my thinking distorts and it would be a bad idea for me to react or try to make judgement calls at those times.

Now, that's with constant mindfulness... she's nowhere near there.

When you break up with her, her world will come crumbling down and her fear of abandonment will kick in hard. She will do pathetic things to try and keep you around. She will throw out desperate attempts to get you to contact her.

Expect to hear her threaten suicide. You cannot give in to this. Do not reinforce to her that threats of suicide can get her what she wants.

When you break up with her, you need to go no contact.

I've read a lot about this condition and have even done a presentation on it in class nearly a year ago, and this was all inspired by her. I know it must be tough to live with this condition, and I'd like to tell you that you have my respect for dealing with it in the way that you are.

I've asked her to go to counseling with me, and she refuses. I'm almost sure she's BPD, but haven't mentioned a word about it to her. I feel that a professional should be the one to bring something like that up, for obvious reasons. She'd probably lose her mind if I suggested that she had "a disorder," but a professional could diagnose her and get her the help she needs.

Thank you for your reply. Your words are extremely helpful.

November 28, 2013

I think your suspicion of BPD is likely. She's not even in a place where she can talk about her problems, so I can tell you she's not ready to fix them.

I have BPD. When I am constantly mindful, I can control my actions. I remind myself that it's my disorder that is flooding my brain with these emotions. I remind myself that my thinking distorts and it would be a bad idea for me to react or try to make judgement calls at those times.

Now, that's with constant mindfulness... she's nowhere near there.

When you break up with her, her world will come crumbling down and her fear of abandonment will kick in hard. She will do pathetic things to try and keep you around. She will throw out desperate attempts to get you to contact her.

Expect to hear her threaten suicide. You cannot give in to this. Do not reinforce to her that threats of suicide can get her what she wants.

When you break up with her, you need to go no contact.

Oh, and by the way... she's almost certainly BPD. She threatened suicide once when her best friend threatened to abandon her a while back.

November 28, 2013

Well, I wish my ex had been a guy like you that wouldn't want to let me go. But I'm glad he is who he is because he was able to walk away from someone he felt was bringing him down...I actually think you should do the same. This relationship is obviously OBVIOUSLY doomed because she doesn't sound like the type of person that is willing to change for someone, and therefore she doesn't deserve someone as loyal as you.

Girls would love a man this loyal for a change, I think you should just find someone else that makes you happy and honestly values you. She doesn't. Please please please leave her if you value your own happiness.

I agree with everything she said, no you shouldn't break no contact for the holiday. Yes, you should find someone that values you for what/who you are. Stop letting someone treat you like garbage.

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Should I consider breaking temporary no contact with my gf? [update: ambushed!]

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