My girlfriend has a guy best friend

[counterman]

So my girlfriend has a guy best friend and I was initially OK with it. I mean, I have girl friends that I am not attracted to and would never be in a relationship with. She's been friends with him for 2 years. It is normal for them to hang out 1 on 1 i.e. going to lunch, dinners, drinks, etc.

 

The only thing is, whenever we argue, she pushes me away and she talks to him about it... And I've noticed recently, she's been wanting to spend more time with him. She said to me the other day "I've seen you 3 times this week already, and I have only seen him once". I went out with them the other day and I notice that she isn't affectionate around me as she usually is and makes an effort not to touch me. I can see they get along really well and 'click'.

 

When we first started dating, she told me that her best friend has texted her that he liked her. She didn't feel the same, so she avoided the subject. He carried on being friends assuming as though nothing has happened. I personally think he still likes her. He keeps asking her to hang out.

 

When she talks to him or is texting him, she always has this laugh or smile to her face. And she talks about him often to me. Though, she tells me she loves me.

 

I don't know if I should make more of it than what it is or just drop it. Advice and or any experience you can share would be appreciated

[ariesgirl-328]

I have absolutely no experience in this area..sorry. I would consider either just straightup asking her what her thoughts are on the situation because you're uncomfortable with it and if she's your girlfriend, she should somewhat understand and fix things.

 

Or I would tell her if you want to be with me then BE with me, if not, then continue with how things are right now between you and your friend because I promise this relationship will not last like this.

 

Yeah, being me, i'd probably go with the second choice, but overall, I think you definitely should confront her somehow about this because the relationship isn't worth it if you know you will get hurt.

[Andy_K]

She said to me the other day "I've seen you 3 times this week already, and I have only seen him once".

 

To which you reply, "We've had sex x times this week, are you planning on evening up the score there too?"

[Emilia]

Hm, I have a fair few male friends but I draw boundaries very clearly. She sounds immature, OP.

[Conners]

So my girlfriend has a guy best friend and I was initially OK with it. I mean, I have girl friends that I am not attracted to and would never be in a relationship with. She's been friends with him for 2 years. It is normal for them to hang out 1 on 1 i.e. going to lunch, dinners, drinks, etc.

 

The only thing is, whenever we argue, she pushes me away and she talks to him about it... And I've noticed recently, she's been wanting to spend more time with him. She said to me the other day "I've seen you 3 times this week already, and I have only seen him once". I went out with them the other day and I notice that she isn't affectionate around me as she usually is and makes an effort not to touch me. I can see they get along really well and 'click'.

 

When we first started dating, she told me that her best friend has texted her that he liked her. She didn't feel the same, so she avoided the subject. He carried on being friends assuming as though nothing has happened. I personally think he still likes her. He keeps asking her to hang out.

 

When she talks to him or is texting him, she always has this laugh or smile to her face. And she talks about him often to me. Though, she tells me she loves me.

 

I don't know if I should make more of it than what it is or just drop it. Advice and or any experience you can share would be appreciated

 

I am in the same position as your girlfriend, my best friend is a guy. We have been friends for years but nothing ever more as happened as we aren't romantically attached. I didn't think this would be a problem with any boyfriends I would have but a few months into my current relationship my boyfriend said he felt "weird" about it and upset because I always went to him when I was upset, or stayed at his house and share a bed when I was having problems at home. He always thought we must of at some point hooked up because of how close we are, and all his friends thought the same. It's fine now because my boyfriend and him now work together so they are now friends and my boyfriend has realised that there is nothing there romantically, it's more like a brother and sister relationship because we always tease eachother etc

 

I don't know what advice to give you, but think of her "best friend" being a girl. Girl best friends are basically joined at the hip and talk and hang out often. It's pretty much the same thing.. And if she actually liked him, i'm sure she would be with him if she wanted to.. but she's not, because she's with you

[Emilia]

I am in the same position as your girlfriend, my best friend is a guy. We have been friends for years but nothing ever more as happened as we aren't romantically attached. I didn't think this would be a problem with any boyfriends I would have but a few months into my current relationship my boyfriend said he felt "weird" about it and upset because I always went to him when I was upset, or stayed at his house and share a bed when I was having problems at home. He always thought we must of at some point hooked up because of how close we are, and all his friends thought the same. It's fine now because my boyfriend and him now work together so they are now friends and my boyfriend has realised that there is nothing there romantically, it's more like a brother and sister relationship because we always tease eachother etc

 

I don't know what advice to give you, but think of her "best friend" being a girl. Girl best friends are basically joined at the hip and talk and hang out often. It's pretty much the same thing.. And if she actually liked him, i'm sure she would be with him if she wanted to.. but she's not, because she's with you

The poor bastard.

[fixing]

Counterman, your gf is being very insensitive and quite disrespectful.

Fact is, this guy likes your girlfriend. Period. I dont know if you gf is faithful, i hope she is, but she definitely gets off on the fact of having his undivided attention towards her.

She should not be confiding in a 'male' friend about your arguments and differences, thats for female friends to discuss only imo!

And lol, her saying 'ive seen you 3 times this week, its his turn' is a complete pisstake.

Either tell her your not happy about him being virtually equal to you in this 3 way relationship,

Or start deliberately going out to the cinema and restaurants with some female friends and give her 2 days out of the 7 for a while.

Give her a taste of her own medicine.

[mammasita]

Im biased, Im not a fan of one on one male/female friendships when in a relationship and if there are those types of friendships there should be 100% transparency and the significant other should be included.

 

I think she's crossing a ton of lines. If she isn't wiling to show you what they text about, then I'd say **** that.

 

Does she not have female friends?

[salparadise]

• pushes me away and she talks to him about it
  
• been wanting to spend more time with him.
  
• seen you 3 times this week already, and I have only seen him once"
  
• isn't affectionate around me as she usually is
  
• makes an effort not to touch me.
  
• texted her that he liked her
  
• carried on being friends assuming as though nothing has happened
  
• he still likes her
  
• keeps asking her to hang out.
  

 

You must be really good at

[veggirl]

Your gf's friendship is very inappropriate and the whole I've seen you X amt of times and him only Y....wtf? Does she say that about her girl friends too? Sorry but opposite friends are okay if they are "friends of the relationship" this guy is obviously not since he is crushing on your gf and she is encouraging it. Not cool.

[d0nnivain]

True friendships of the opposite sex should be no big deal. This unfortunately is not that.

 

As her BF, unless he was in crisis (parent in the hospital, fresh break up on his end etc.) you are supposed to come first. The comment about seeing you more that week then him was wrong.

 

At some point this guy also developed feelings for her. If she didn't want to encourage that, she needed to distance herself from him not be at his beck & call. She likes the attention so there is a greater possibility that she will eventually give into temptation.

 

Apply the Art of War pinciple: Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, can you buddy up to him & make sure when she sees him you are right there. Maybe the visual of you with your arm around her will get him to back off. It may also give you an insight into their relationship after which you may chose to wash your hands of the whole mess & leave them to each other.

[Knightosphere]

Was in a relationship like this but am now single. This was similar to what she did so I'd distance myself from her right now. Save yourself the heartbreak later. If she loves you, she'll notice you're distant and come running back to you. If not, it's time to move on.

[kentucky7887]

The thing that's kinda weird is the counting of time you spend together. Did you imply she is spending too much time with her friend? Also how old are you guys?

 

I would feel a little sorry for her friend, he's the one living in a fantasy. I know cause I made a similar mistake.

 

I've know my best friend for 7 years( I'm 28 she is 31). I always liked her but never had a serious conversation. We would always spend holidays together, share problems, be there for each other, and of course I always sent drunken text messages confessing my love. After a couple years I realized nothing was gonna happen but I always had a hoping feeling inbetween a bf. She also never cheats and doesn't play relationship games. I never pushed the issue cause I figured having a good friend was better than risking our relationship by trying to go to another level.

 

Then she actually got married this year. So I figured if I wanted to keep my friend I would be nicer to her new husband. He's actually a decent guy.

 

I don't know if that helps at all.

[kentucky7887]

I wouldn't push the issue.

[Conners]

The poor bastard.

 

only for people as insecure as you

[counterman]

Well, I brought up the issue with her a bit over a month ago and she said she took it on board. She was seeing her guy best friend once a week and she stopped talking to him about our issues.

 

Things seemed to be going well, until a day ago when she said that she felt that she had no friends and that she limits her time with this guy friend because of how it makes me feel when she spends a lot of time with him. She says she regularly talks to her friends about her feelings and whatnot (she does this everytime. She uses the word "friends" but she really means that one guy friend), but at the moment, she feels she can't do that because it may lead to an argument. What I have noticed is that she doesn't make nearly as much effort (in fact, pretty much, none at all most of the time) to see her "close" girl friends but she wants to see this guy friend more than once a week. In fact, she got incredibly jealous when her guy friend was spending more time with another one of his girl friends.

 

I went out with them together once and I did not like the dynamic they have. They have their own inside jokes and share their own hypothetical futures, where they travel together and where they move in together. When I was there, she was a lot less affectionate to me and she made jokes at me (which is OK between us) but he thought it was OK for him to do so too, so he took a few verbal swipes at me (I had the good grace not to sink to his level and take a few shots myself - it would have been easy to do so). I thought it was disrespectful, seeing that he's meant to make a good impression to me as my girlfriend's best friend.

 

Everytime I try to talk to her about any of our issues, she says she's afraid we'll argue and doesn't want to talk about it. It's incredibly frustrating because obviously things are bothering her. Yet, she chooses to tell me about these things via text messages and dumping all on me, without any discussion in person. Nothing ever gets resolved if we don't talk... which is why we argued about that in the first place; she was talking about all our issues with this guy and I would be left in the dark about what is going on.

 

I told her I needed a couple of days to myself. She told me to have a whole week. It's funny, she recently told me that she's afraid that I'll get so upset that I will break-up with her and yet she continues to keep pushing me away.

 

I don't know what to do.

[Els]

Friends are fine, but the extent to which your gf is taking this 'friendship' is inappropriate and worrisome, IMO.

[Sand Man Dan]

So my girlfriend has a guy best friend and I was initially OK with it. I mean, I have girl friends that I am not attracted to and would never be in a relationship with. She's been friends with him for 2 years. It is normal for them to hang out 1 on 1 i.e. going to lunch, dinners, drinks, etc.

 

The only thing is, whenever we argue, she pushes me away and she talks to him about it... And I've noticed recently, she's been wanting to spend more time with him. She said to me the other day "I've seen you 3 times this week already, and I have only seen him once". I went out with them the other day and I notice that she isn't affectionate around me as she usually is and makes an effort not to touch me. I can see they get along really well and 'click'.

 

When we first started dating, she told me that her best friend has texted her that he liked her. She didn't feel the same, so she avoided the subject. He carried on being friends assuming as though nothing has happened. I personally think he still likes her. He keeps asking her to hang out.

 

When she talks to him or is texting him, she always has this laugh or smile to her face. And she talks about him often to me. Though, she tells me she loves me.

 

I don't know if I should make more of it than what it is or just drop it. Advice and or any experience you can share would be appreciated

 

 

 

These are red flags. I've heard the EXACT same ****. Don't buy it. If you feel something is amiss, there is. I've heard that line, "I've already seen u three times and him none" and she was cheating. Break up with her immediately! She's disrespecting you. That means she has no loyalty.

[counterman]

Friends are fine, but the extent to which your gf is taking this 'friendship' is inappropriate and worrisome, IMO.

 

I share the same view. This guy friend of hers use to talk about problems with his ex-girlfriend (still does) with my girlfriend. They obviously bonded over that. I don't understand why she doesn't make a fraction of the effort to see her close girl friends compared to the effort she goes to see this guy.

 

Even if he is just a "friend" and she doesn't find him attractive... there's something else behind all of this.

 

I think she enjoys having that male attention.

 

These are red flags. I've heard the EXACT same ****. Don't buy it. If you feel something is amiss, there is. I've heard that line, "I've already seen u three times and him none" and she was cheating. Break up with her immediately! She's disrespecting you. That means she has no loyalty.

 

I did find it disrespectful. I would never do that to her and if the situations were reversed, I'm sure she would feel hurt to. I'm sure she's not cheating on me but she seems to be very emotionally attached to this guy.

 

At the moment, I think she's adamant that she wants to see him more than once a week... and wants to share all our intimate details with him. I find it weird seeing that when we were dating initially, he said some pretty nasty things about me cause he was jealous.

 

I don't know what I should do.

[Sand Man Dan]

I share the same view. This guy friend of hers use to talk about problems with his ex-girlfriend (still does) with my girlfriend. They obviously bonded over that. I don't understand why she doesn't make a fraction of the effort to see her close girl friends compared to the effort she goes to see this guy.

 

Even if he is just a "friend" and she doesn't find him attractive... there's something else behind all of this.

 

I think she enjoys having that male attention.

 

 

 

I did find it disrespectful. I would never do that to her and if the situations were reversed, I'm sure she would feel hurt to. I'm sure she's not cheating on me but she seems to be very emotionally attached to this guy.

 

At the moment, I think she's adamant that she wants to see him more than once a week... and wants to share all our intimate details with him. I find it weird seeing that when we were dating initially, he said some pretty nasty things about me cause he was jealous.

 

I don't know what I should do.

 

 

What should you do? Be a STRONG MAN and. Leave her. So what if she isn't physically cheating? She's emotionally investing in him. He is becoming a problem for you guys relationship, and she has let that happen. She has no respect for you which means NO. LOYALTY.

 

~Her guy friend was jealous of you two.

~she disclosed private details to him

~she must see him a certain amount of time per week (priorities?)

~she is easily validated emotionally and externally and seeks it out

 

I think you know exactly what you should do.

[ThatMan]

You are making excuses for both of them. It doesn't matter if he was jealous. He had no right to insert himself into the situation to talk trash. While your girlfriend is being very inappropriate.

 

Your girlfriend should have no problem sharing how much she cares about you with anyone. She told you that she loves you. How come she struggles to share this with other men who hit on her and disrespect you?

[bubbaganoosh]

 

I went out with them together once and I did not like the dynamic they have. They have their own inside jokes and share their own hypothetical futures, where they travel together and where they move in together. When I was there, she was a lot less affectionate to me and she made jokes at me (which is OK between us) but he thought it was OK for him to do so too, so he took a few verbal swipes at me (I had the good grace not to sink to his level and take a few shots myself - it would have been easy to do so). I thought it was disrespectful, seeing that he's meant to make a good impression to me as my girlfriend's best friend.

 

For either of them to take verbal swipes at you is flat out ignorant and show a lack of respect.

 

I'm glad you didn't stoop to his or her level but it's something that wouldn't put up with.

 

My first wife and her girlfriend would pull that on me from time to time and one night it got bad enough that I finally told her girlfriend that it's one thing to take a swipe at me but when it's done in my home will not be put up with and she can take her mouth and leave.

 

My wife got mad and said if she has to leave, then she will too, so I handed both of them their coats and told the wife that once she's out the door, keep going because I won't take her back.

 

Her girlfriend left and I told her as she was leaving to learn manners and not to come back until she did, then I handed my wife a blanket and her pillow and told her to bunk out on the couch until she grew the hell up and acted like a wife. She stayed on the couch for two weeks before she finally said she was sorry but in those two weeks, I knew that she was a mistake that I made and after ten years, it was over.

 

You don't have to tolerate letting her or him belittle you and if you let it continue, you'll pay for it down the road.

[Sand Man Dan]

For either of them to take verbal swipes at you is flat out ignorant and show a lack of respect.

 

I'm glad you didn't stoop to his or her level but it's something that wouldn't put up with.

 

My first wife and her girlfriend would pull that on me from time to time and one night it got bad enough that I finally told her girlfriend that it's one thing to take a swipe at me but when it's done in my home will not be put up with and she can take her mouth and leave.

 

My wife got mad and said if she has to leave, then she will too, so I handed both of them their coats and told the wife that once she's out the door, keep going because I won't take her back.

 

Her girlfriend left and I told her as she was leaving to learn manners and not to come back until she did, then I handed my wife a blanket and her pillow and told her to bunk out on the couch until she grew the hell up and acted like a wife. She stayed on the couch for two weeks before she finally said she was sorry but in those two weeks, I knew that she was a mistake that I made and after ten years, it was over.

 

You don't have to tolerate letting her or him belittle you and if you let it continue, you'll pay for it down the road.

 

 

That's a powerful illustration. You can never have a successful relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. Ever.

[counterman]

See that's the thing, before we started dating, this guy didn't want to hang out with her much. But once we started dating, he kept asking her to hang out more and soon after, he confessed his feelings for her. When he did that, my girlfriend ignored it and they both carried on without ever talking about it. She says she didn't want to lose him as a friend. So when she would talk to him about be, initially, he would talk trash about me... and she didn't like it (but she didn't say anything). He was jealous at first. She told him she felt weird telling him about me and he said it was OK. So everytime we had issues, she would go to him. I was mad at her because when she would do this, she would come back to me expecting me to be over whatever issue we had, but how can I be when we never spoke about it? I told her this. I mean, what's the point of being in a relationship when you can't talk about your issues?

 

And the one time we hung out together, the 3 of us, he disrespected me. Basically, she was more his best friend then my girlfriend, so she was on his side. It was embarrassing.

 

I understand this friendship is important to her. But I wish she would stop beating around the bush and talk about her "friends" when what she really means is this guy. And the extent to which she wants to take this friendship is inappropriate.

 

She wants to see him more than once a week. How about her girl friends that she hardly see? It doesn't make sense.

 

And what bugs me too is that all this time, she's never said anything to me. She's been taking the time I spend with her for granted.

 

At the moment, we're not even talking. I don't know if I should reach out to her or wait for her to reach out to me. I really don't like the way she brought this whole thing up. She got angry at me for wanting to talk about it.

[Els]

I share the same view. This guy friend of hers use to talk about problems with his ex-girlfriend (still does) with my girlfriend. They obviously bonded over that. I don't understand why she doesn't make a fraction of the effort to see her close girl friends compared to the effort she goes to see this guy.

 

Even if he is just a "friend" and she doesn't find him attractive... there's something else behind all of this.

 

I think she enjoys having that male attention.

 

Yes.

 

If she is unwilling to talk about things with you (rather than respond angrily to any concerns you bring up) and compromise by restricting the 'friendship' to a more appropriate level, I'd say that you might want to call it quits.