Trying to get an ex back after 6 months

[MTD]

So I dated this woman for a little over a year, and despite the fact we both loved each other, we broke up about six months ago. It was definitely a one sided break up - I thought we just weren't meshing well and didn't belong together forever (at that point, though marriage wasn't explicitly on the table, it was definitely a consideration). At the time, I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but something wasn't right. She definitely did not want to break up at the time, and I know that she was very devastated when we parted ways. We had been bickering/fighting quite a bit then about me not showing her affection or telling her I loved her - both of which I certainly did not do often enough. I have since realized that I had some issues when it came to letting people get close - I guess for me it was a defense mechanism to make sure I didn't get hurt. But it definitely drove a wedge between us, made her insecure, and was the source of any fights we may have had. And it eventually led to us breaking up.

 

So fast forward six months. I know she took some time to heal, as did I, and we both moved on. I dated a few women this summer but nothing serious and I never felt the connection I had with my ex. I began to realize I still loved my ex and started to work through why it didn't work out the first time, why I thought something was off. When I gave it full and honest reflection, I realized I had been very aloof emotionally, and I failed to show and tell her how much I loved her ... even though I did, very much. This really was the root of the problem, as it caused her to be insecure with the relationship and any problems we had ensued from there.

 

Unfortunately, by the time I had figured all of this out, she had moved on. She's been dating someone else for a few months now. He lives in a different city, but I know from friends they fly to see each other a few times a month. I have no idea how serious they are. I decided a couple weeks ago I couldn't just bury my feelings for her, and I wrote her a sincere and heartfelt letter, letting her know that I still love her and that breaking up with her was the biggest mistake of my life. I told her that I know she's dating someone else, and that I'm not trying to mess up her life if she's in a good place right now, but that I needed her to know how I felt. I asked her to consider giving me another chance, but told her I understand how much I hurt her and how big of a request that is. We had dinner last week, and it went well. Conversation wasn't awkward, but we did try to steer clear of certain subjects (like new significant others). It was the first time I had seen her in a few months, but as soon as I saw her all my old feelings for her came to the surface and I knew I had to give her the letter. So when we parted ways for the night, I hugged her and handed it to her.

 

She was a bit taken aback by the letter - it was definitely not expected (not exactly something I would have done while we were dating, but I realized I need to make a bigger effort to show her how much I love her). We have been texting more since I gave her the letter, but she says she needs time to sort through how she feels about it all (a totally reasonable request). She says she still loves me but she's not sure she can risk getting hurt again, and that she's also dating someone and has that to deal with as well.

 

So that's where we stand as of now. I'm going to give her the space and time she needs to figure everything out, but I'm definitely afraid of losing her for good and her being unwilling to get back together for the fear of being hurt again. I've tried to tell her I'm not going to be the same aloof, out-of-touch guy that she dated before, and that where I failed last time I will make a concerted effort to show her how much I love her. And though I have begun to show her I've changed (the letter, things I've texted her, etc.), that's hard to "show" someone in a short period of time.

 

So, sorry for the novel but I figured you should have the full back-story. What do I do now? Is it totally out of my hands? How long should I wait for an "answer" to my letter before I force myself to move on with my life? I'd probably wait months ... but I know that wouldn't be healthy for myself either.

[StyleOnEm]

Wow dude, honestly I feel she is going to come back to you. Stay relaxed & don't pressure/bring up the topic at all -- just be the fun guy she originally fell in love with.

 

I do see this working out, especially since her current relationship takes a plane for it to work.

[BC1980]

All you can do is give her time and space. When you get dumped, it's difficult to trust that person again, and you can't just press the reset button. Many people are very skeptical when a ex comes back. You have spent months trying to get over the hurt this person caused you, and it's very hard to process.

 

On one hand, you loved this person, and he/she brought you much joy. On the other hand, this person caused you immense pain. It's difficult to know what to do with those emotions. Those are just a few of the thoughts that are going through her head.

 

I would just give her time to decided what she wants. You really can't do anything more than you have done at this point.

[feelingtorn]

Wow, you sound like my ex. I wish my ex would reflect on himself and come to the same conclusion, but I highly doubt it. I wish you two all the best and hope she comes back to you.

[strive]

You sound really sincere in wanting her back and I believe you've grown as a person and maybe found inner peace during the break. I'm so happy for you!

 

Now since she's in a relationship, tread carefully and move slowly. Make sure that you're not the main/direct cause if they break up. And if they do break up, let her have some space to heal herself from it first because if she jumps into a relationship with you complications might come out of that. Wait before she's emotionally available again, but let her know that you're there.

 

Now here's what every dumpee here LS believes what a dumper should do if they want to get back together: move mountains. It's what will make a dumpee believe in your sincerity and eventually trust you again. But again, tread carefully because right now she is still emotionally unavailable and you coming back into the picture will make her really confused. Allow her to process her emotions. This may take days or even months depending on the person and how bad the BU is.

 

Above all, stay happy and keep the positive attitude. Happy people attract love better. Good luck on your second chance. I sincerely hope it works out for you.

[Axee]

Proud of you for having worked out your issues and for taking a decision to get back together.

[MTD]

Thank you all who posted. Your advice and opinions were appreciated. Just wanted to let you know I gave my ex the time and space she needed to respond to the letter I wrote her, and she let me know today that as much as she still loves me, she doesn't think she can risk getting hurt again. That she just keeps thinking back to what I said in June when we broke up (that we are too different / don't belong together). I of course respond that I never want to hurt her again, and that I'm not the same person I was then. I tell her how much I love her, but that if she wants me to move on and try to get over her I will, though it will be difficult. She replies that she is sorry, but that she has moved on for the time being. She's not sure a person can change as quickly as I say that I have, and that maybe she's making a mistake but that she's happy right now.

 

So that's that. I did my best to let her know how I feel, and though I am disappointed that I didn't figure things out for myself in time to salvage my relationship with her, I learned valuable things through the whole process. And I am happy she is happy right now, I'm just sad I'm not the man that brings her that happiness. If I find another woman as amazing as my ex, I definitely won't fail to show her all the time how much I care about her. This experience will definitely be filed under "the one that got away," but hopefully I will learn from this mistake.

[organizedchaos]

Thank you all who posted. Your advice and opinions were appreciated. Just wanted to let you know I gave my ex the time and space she needed to respond to the letter I wrote her, and she let me know today that as much as she still loves me, she doesn't think she can risk getting hurt again. That she just keeps thinking back to what I said in June when we broke up (that we are too different / don't belong together). I of course respond that I never want to hurt her again, and that I'm not the same person I was then. I tell her how much I love her, but that if she wants me to move on and try to get over her I will, though it will be difficult. She replies that she is sorry, but that she has moved on for the time being. She's not sure a person can change as quickly as I say that I have, and that maybe she's making a mistake but that she's happy right now.

 

So that's that. I did my best to let her know how I feel, and though I am disappointed that I didn't figure things out for myself in time to salvage my relationship with her, I learned valuable things through the whole process. And I am happy she is happy right now, I'm just sad I'm not the man that brings her that happiness. If I find another woman as amazing as my ex, I definitely won't fail to show her all the time how much I care about her. This experience will definitely be filed under "the one that got away," but hopefully I will learn from this mistake.

 

Well, you never know. Doesn't sound like she's totally shut the door on you though. I'd say move on and in 6 months, if you still feel like trying again, reach out and see where things are.

[Mariposa10]

You did what you had to do, and did it in a very respectful way. Who knows, maybe in a couple of months you'll hear from her again. I understand where she's coming from, she can't just drop the guy she's with right now. It doesn't work like that. I think she would first have to be single to be ready to be in a relationship with you. Stuff like this takes time.

 

Good luck and everything will be fine.

[StyleOnEm]

Thanks for the update, I was curious about your story.

 

Why can't you stay in low contact with this girl and keep things light and playful for the time being?

[MTD]

Thanks for the update, I was curious about your story.

 

Why can't you stay in low contact with this girl and keep things light and playful for the time being?

 

 

StyleOnEm - I will definitely stay in touch with her, but I'm disheartened she didn't respond the way I would have liked to my letter. I honestly am not sure I should have expected a different result, given the fact she's dating someone else and seems happy (even if it is a long distance relationship). I am not closing the door completely on getting her back, I just think my chances are severely diminished. And for my own peace of mind I think I need to get on with my own life, including my love life. I really don't see her being available 3 or 6 months from now - she's a phenomenal catch and I just can't see the guy in Minneapolis making the same mistake I did and letting her go. And she's not the type that will likely break up with him. So while I realize there's still a small chance, and I'll keep in touch with her because I love her as a friend and something more, I just think it's very unlikely.

[Angry bird]

You seem like a great guy MTD, I hope everything works out for you.

[MrWhite]

I would just let her know that if she ever wants to contact you, that it is an option for her. Be positive, keep it simple, no pressure, nothing about the past. Just leave it as that.