I dumped him, but was I right?

[dkgwillow]

My boyfriend of two months became distant in the last couple of weeks. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just said he knew he needed to put in more effort. We went from seeing each other 4x a week to once, constant communication to very little, and I just felt like something had changed with his feelings.

I really expected we'd see each other over the weekend, but he almost completely stopped communicating, and when I did he either wouldn't respond or did very briefly. I couldn't understand what was going on, so when I saw him online Sunday night I sent a message asking if we were ok.

He responded that he was having family issues and would talk to me the next day, which seemed reasonable, until I noticed the GPS tag showed him as being in a town 40 miles away, where I knew his ex-girlfriend lived. I asked if he went to see her, and he immediately blocked me online.

I thought about the changes I'd seen in him and the sudden cutting off communication, and suspected they'd gotten back together without him breaking it off with me first. I sent him a text, after trying to call and getting no answer, and told him I couldn't be with someone who lied to me and ignored me while seeing his ex, so I was done.

The next morning he was angry, saying nothing had happened, he and she were just friends, that he needed a place to go to clear his head and get advice, and he admitted he had stayed there the whole weekend. He said I should have waited for his call before just ending it.

At the time I really believed my decision was the right one and that there could be no justification for spending the weekend with another woman, especially an ex who he'd only broken up with three months prior and who he said he wasn't even in communication with.

Now I'm feeling bad at acting on my impulse and wish I'd listened to what he was going through. He said he wasn't going to end our relationship, he just had a lot going on, but the fact is things had changed and I think she was in the background causing doubt in him about what he wanted.

Any thoughts? I think if the shoe was on the other foot he would have dumped me in a heartbeat.

[CarrieT]

Your impulse was a good one and you are better off without him.

 

He was lying to you until you confronted him and then he tried to gaslight you by making YOU feel like you did something wrong and you did not.

 

Just go No Contact with him and move on - you will be better off in the long run.

[dkgwillow]

Thank you for responding. I agree he was trying to place his guilt on me. I have actually being doing fine, it's just today is the first day past the anger and doubt is setting in. I will stay strong, I know I deserve better!

[Never Again]

As far as the limiting communication and seeing you less - that stuff happens. I'm mentioning this because you cannot always expect someone to put in 100% effort when you know a lot is going on. There's no reason to be insecure about that alone.

 

HOWEVER, he kept things from you, lied to you, and was acting inappropriately. None of that is even remotely okay. You caught him and he's trying to escape without an ounce of responsibility.

 

It doesn't matter what he thought was okay - he needed to acknowledge YOUR feelings and his mistake.

 

He didn't do that. Now it's too late. Unless he comes groveling and you're feeling especially forgiving, I'd just cut him off and move along.

[NoMoreJerks]

Trust your gut feeling. I think you did the right thing. He was being a jerk -- nothing excuses that sort of lack of communication; if he was having family issues, he could've been an adult about it and talked to you about it and asked for space. Leaving someone in the dark, wondering what they did wrong, is cruel. There is no excuse for it. No one is expecting to be at 100% level of communication all the time, but if he is reducing that communication to 25% from 100%, he should give some explanation for it, so you don't have to sit in the dark and wonder if you did or said something wrong. Normal people would wonder: it has nothing to do with insecurity. Such a radical decline in time spent together, or communication, is not normal, so naturally, people (men or women) will wonder!

 

Usually such a drop in communication without an explanation is a red flag that they are getting involved with someone (an ex or some other woman). My ex did the same, and then tried to turn it against me and accuse me of being paranoid and I hadn't even brought up the possibility that he had met up with his ex (from many many years ago) even though I knew they had met up (she had traveled to see him when he was away working abroad).. This man is a liar who wants to have his cake and eat it too -- either stay with you and keep on cheating with other women, or make sure that he's "good" with the ex, and then dump you. IMO, you did the right thing -- move on and don't look back. His loss.

 

he needed a place to go to clear his head and get advice

LOL what??! And he couldn't have done that with you WHY? Edited November 27, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Any thoughts? I think if the shoe was on the other foot he would have dumped me in a heartbeat.

Yeah, pretty sure about that. In fact, if you had told him that you had spent that very weekend with a new male friend because he (your bf/ex-bf) wasn't around for you when you needed him (he had gone off to spend the weekend with his ex -- which is NOT OK), he would've dumped you, even after admitting that he had spent the weekend with his ex. Pretty sure about that. My ex had told me he had spied on his ex-gf's phone and found out she had cheated on him (not sure if he was telling the truth or if he was the cheater!) and when I did the same to him, he made a huge deal out of it, turned the whole cheating thing into a "how dare you check my phone!".... as if the cheating was not even important.. LOL... masters of gaslighting.. RUN, don't just walk away.

[Never Again]

nothing excuses that sort of lack of communication; if he was having family issues, he could've been an adult about it and talked to you about it and asked for space. Leaving someone in the dark, wondering what they did wrong, is cruel. There is no excuse for it. No one is expecting to be at 100% level of communication all the time, but if he is reducing that communication to 25% from 100%, he should give some explanation for it, so you don't have to sit in the dark and wonder if you did or said something wrong. Normal people would wonder: it has nothing to do with insecurity. Such a radical decline in time spent together, or communication, is not normal, so naturally, people (men or women) will wonder!

 

I don't want to threadjack, but I'll agree and disagree.

 

People, men especially, don't always like sharing "dirty laundry". If I was going through a rough time and didn't want to affect my girlfriend, I'd probably choose to communicate less overall than risk burdening her with my baggage until I was ready. It's not always a conscious choice - if someone's mind is occupied with heavy stuff, other things tend to fall away, such as communicating with someone else.

 

HOWEVER, one should be honest when asked. No questions. Again, using myself as an example (which is poor logic, but whatever), if a girlfriend noticed I was pulling away and asked...I would certainly let her know. If someone STILL keeps stuff a secret or is being shady even when asked? Yeah, totally a problem.

 

The big red flag here is that he didn't say anything about the ex before going over. Limiting communication may have been the result of moodiness or rough times and you could excuse that because he may not have realized the effect he was having. But going over to his ex's? That's a choice.

 

He made that choice and didn't tell you in advance. It doesn't matter if she's "just a friend". Anyone with half a brain would know that situation would make the current girlfriend uncomfortable.

[CrJsc88]

You did the right thing. You can't stay with someone that can't communicate with you. Even if I had family issues the first person I would tell is my signaficient other. Him staying there the whole weekend was out of line especially with an ex.

 

 

You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and you seem like you can get through this. Move on and let this open another door.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My boyfriend of two months became distant in the last couple of weeks.... I couldn't understand what was going on, so when I saw him online Sunday night I sent a message asking if we were ok.

 

He responded that he was having family issues and would talk to me the next day, which seemed reasonable, until I noticed the GPS tag showed him as being in a town 40 miles away, where I knew his ex-girlfriend lived. I asked if he went to see her, and he immediately blocked me online.

 

 

At that point, you should have told him you were pulling-out, "...like his father should have years ago!"

[NoMoreJerks]

People, men especially, don't always like sharing "dirty laundry".

He was sharing his "dirty laundry" with the ex alright... Figuratively AND literally!

 

If I was going through a rough time and didn't want to affect my girlfriend, I'd probably choose to communicate less overall than risk burdening her with my baggage until I was ready.

I didn't say he should've spilled his heart out to his gf -- if that's not his style. But a responsible, mature person would've told her that he was having issues, instead of just disappearing into thin air. No need to elaborate necessarily on what the issues are, just tell the gf you are dealing with some stuff and that you don't want to burden her, so you need some space. Sure, it will make your gf wonder what's going on, but better that, than being completely in the dark....

 

Clearly, OP's ex is not the type not to share and burden someone with that stuff. Obviously, he was spilling his heart out (and more than just his heart lol!) to his ex, but not to his gf. I call BS on that. I call BS on most men claiming they need "space" to think about stuff and that the reason for their silence is that they don't want to burden you. Hello? You already burden me by disappearing into thin air without an explanation! That makes NO sense. Men who do that, are either very immature, or playing games with another woman (or both).

 

Come on, anyone can realize the effect their lack of communication is having on the other partner. Surely dropping from a 100% giving to 25% is a radical change and bound to burden the gf -- she would probably be wondering what she did wrong, if she said/did something wrong, etc., and might hesitate to bring it up for fear of what he would say. I know I felt that way, when my jerk ex did the same BS with me. If he was having issues he wanted to focus on, he should've told me, without me having to ask him: that's called maturity and acting like adults and respecting someone enough to tell them why you are acting what might otherwise be interpreted as jerk behavior! When I asked my ex what was going on, if he was ok, etc., he got mad at me, and told me off, for expecting him to communicate with me every day. IMO, having issues is no excuse for being a jerk. Clearly, OP's ex is a jerk, as was my ex.

Edited November 27, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[TylerDurdenn]

Yes you was right to end it with him.

[SerCay]

OP, if he broke up with his ex 3 months ago, and you've been with him 2 months, then thats a rebound at best and at worst he has feelings for you both.

 

Secondly, if he goes to see her when feeling low, it means she's still the person that has his trust and heart. He still has feelings for her.

 

Leave this fool, no one deserves to be lead on. You made the right choice.

 

And I'm sorry but you already know they did have sex...right? even though he says they didnt?

Edited November 27, 2013 by SerCay

[Never Again]

Clearly, OP's ex is not the type not to share and burden someone with that stuff. Obviously, he was spilling his heart out (and more than just his heart lol!) to his ex, but not to his gf.

 

I am not defending his decision to spill his guts to his ex. That was an incredibly bad choice if he actually DOESN'T still have feelings for her...but likely more indicative that he DOES.

 

However, I will again say that when negative things come to light, most people will simply prefer not to talk about it. It does not excuse disappearing off the radar, but temporarily diminished contact is entirely reasonable.

 

You have to understand, if something very negative happens, not everyone reacts the same. Some people simply prefer their solitude while they process. This is especially true of guys who are often told that it is "unmanly" to whine or let people in on your problems.

 

That being said, the OP's ex is a HUGE jerk for running off to his ex. There's obviously something fishy going on here. If he needed to talk to someone, I'm sure he's got lots of guy friends he could have gone to.

 

Limited communication due to a massive personal problem is NOT a red flag, as some people simply withdraw when under loads of stress. I say this as someone who does this when the world comes crashing down on me. It is, however, a sign that something is wrong and the OP was correct in asking. Her inquiry, made out of concern and compassion, led her to the REAL red flag of him secretly being at his ex's (and then blocking her?!), and I'm damned glad she found him out.

[Never Again]

OP, if he broke up with his ex 3 months ago, and you've been with him 2 months, then thats a rebound at best and at worst he has feelings for you both.

 

Secondly, if he goes to see her when feeling low, it means she's still the person that has his trust and heart. He still has feelings for her.

 

Leave this fool, no one deserves to be lead on. You made the right choice.

 

And I'm sorry but you already know they did have sex...right? even though he says they didnt?

 

Hell, even if they didn't she should still leave him in the dirt.

[headinthecloud]

You definitely made the right choice. My ex used to act the same way, very very fishy behaviour. He turned out to be a cheater. You did yourself a favor. If there's no trust, there's no relationship.