barbatcat Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 We were together for about 2 and half years. I was extreme super in love with this guy and thinking marriage was in the eventual future. The final night of his exams, he went drinking with his classmates. Long story short, he made out with some chick from his class. I was willing to work things out when he told me, of course I was hurt and all that but although he didn't know at the time, I also made out with someone before and never told him (I knew it was a horrible mistake and it wouldn't do us any good to tell him, and lived with the guilt). We talked about it and he went home and after some thought, he decided that if he had a sliver of doubt about me, it would be unfair to me. Whatever. So that was done and I was extremely heartbroken and kept NC completely. There were 2 instances where he contacted me before this killer email that I will share. The first was about a daily deal thing that he had bought to give back to me. The second was about 3 months after the break up, he texted me and asked how I was doing. I responded with no nonsense, saying if he didn't have anything different to say where we last left off (the break up) then I would appreciate some space. So fast forward to now at 6 months later, I get this email: so ive been thinking a lot and finally got enough courage to tell u that I really miss you and have for months. I should have done this months ago...and not in an email...but you know me and how hard this is for me. I really miss and want what we had...I think about it constantly. If you've moved on...I understand...but I wanted closures and for u to know how I feel. I miss you. I hope I hear from you. P.s. I was thinking about you on what would have been our three year anniversary... So after all the progress I've made with dating other people and all the new experiences I've got. I get this. I don't even know how I'm supposed to react and I'm more confused than ever. The email seems so selfish and all about him. Nothing about how he treated at me when we broke up and the rug was pulled from under me and nothing really about me. Is this a breadcrumb? Is it the holidays? I really hate this... 1
Philosoraptor Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Your instincts serve you well. You're right, it is all about him and what he wants. What do you want here? To continue to move on with your life or to gamble that this person who treated you poorly is suddenly going to be better? Personally after all this time and all your progress... I would just hit delete and enjoy your holiday. No need to risk what you've come from to go back to the beginning. 3
Axee Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 No its not a breadcrumb.. First understand what a bread crumb is ..They are messages like "heya","How are you? ".. Etc.. This is a clear cut email saying he wants wht you had.. Now its your call , if I were you I would respond with "Whats up? ".. Stop overthinking everything and dont believe the naysayers in Loveshack.. Here most of the people are pessimistic.. 3
organizedchaos Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Your instincts serve you well. You're right, it is all about him and what he wants. What do you want here? To continue to move on with your life or to gamble that this person who treated you poorly is suddenly going to be better? Personally after all this time and all your progress... I would just hit delete and enjoy your holiday. No need to risk what you've come from to go back to the beginning. Exactly. You need to figure out what you want. If you do want to reconcile, it's going to take a lot more than one email from him to get you back. And you need to be clear with him on that. 1
Never Again Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Exactly. You need to figure out what you want. If you do want to reconcile, it's going to take a lot more than one email from him to get you back. And you need to be clear with him on that. I'll jump on this train. It doesn't sound like he treated you THAT poorly - but we're making assumptions based on limited information. He made the same mistake you once did, and was guilt ridden and confused about it. He may have left because he wanted to "sow his wild oats", because he couldn't be around you without feeling ashamed...etc. Who knows? However, he hurt you. He made a decision that he knew could've been permanent. He walked away. He needs to be willing to put in a lot more effort that addresses how YOU feel before you should consider anything. I'd wait a few days and think it over. Then post here before you even think of replying. 2
Author barbatcat Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 For the most the part, the relationship was pretty good. The downside was that throughout the entire relationship, he was unemployed. He has a job now apparently and seem to be in a new group of friends, etc (damn facebook). Anyway, it was only at the very end where there was tons of spewing BS that came from him that left me in the dust trying to pick up all the pieces. During the break up conversation, I was the one super sure of where I was with willing to work through the cheating. So I put the ball in his court and he told me he couldn't do it. "I guess I didn't love you as much as I thought I did" yeah fun stuff. I even told him I cheated on him too so that's off my chest. He actually suggested going on a break and I told him no because he shouldn't be allowed to gamble with heart that way. As in what if in a few months, you don't want me anymore, that's super unfair to me. I will definitely take some time before I respond. I mean I do miss the same thing he does, the past. But that's gone now and is it even possible to get back to that kind of happiness even with all this between? I have my doubts. 1
Never Again Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 I will definitely take some time before I respond. I mean I do miss the same thing he does, the past. But that's gone now and is it even possible to get back to that kind of happiness even with all this between? I have my doubts. Here's the real conundrum. Could you have a happy relationship with this man? Maybe. Could you "get back" anything? No. If you were even going to try, it would have to be a new relationship with an old boyfriend. Meaning, put this stuff behind you. If you're still hurting and upset from the breakup and how he treated you, then it's best to cut your losses and move on. 1
Axee Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 You kissed another guy and yet stayed in the relationship but your bf kissed another girl and was conscientious enough to tell you about it and also to take a decision about it.. I dont see how he has treated you wrongly. Rest of the stuff are common bad breakup stuff As the above poster said, if you want to start again, then please do start on a fresh , positive and optimistic note, along with working out why things didnt go wrong.. But you need to take care to be positive about how you communicate about the past..
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I also made out with someone before and never told him (I knew it was a horrible mistake and it wouldn't do us any good to tell him, and lived with the guilt). First of all, congratulations for exhibiting the common sense (above) that so many others here just don't care to exhibit. Any other path (after one has committed the offense) is just selfishness. Next, as others here have said: You need to figure out what you want. It is entirely OK for you to want to be with him - but if that is your feeling, don't screw around and play some stupid game, short of making it clear to him that you would like to investigate (in person) the idea of getting back together with him. Somebody asked whether you could 'get back' anything... Their answer was "no", and it made sense in their context, but it is correct to reason that you'd be getting back a much greater upside potential because of the prior time and mutual emotional investments you shared with this one individual. Now of course you could meet a random man on the street tomorrow morning, and in 62 years be celebrating your 60th wedding anniversary with that man on the street... but, if next week you compare that man on the street to the guy of whom you write in this thread then there would reasonably be more 'upside potential' to the guy you already know. Just saw on the news this week a couple in Connecticut who just celebrated their 81st wedding anniversary (102 & 98, since I know you are gonna ask/wonder)... now at age 78, or 42... that guy may have been able to go out and get some young hottie, but the reason he didn't, was the value of his personal emotional investment in this same woman. And that's what is potentially there for you, right now, with this guy. Still, nothing is more important than you **knowing** with certainty what you want...
Author barbatcat Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 This is what I want to write: If you trying to reconnect with me, I ask that you find a respectful way to communicate to me what you are trying to say. An email can easily be left to assumptions, and that's not really fair for either of us. Just as I know you, you should know me too. -B His email leaves a lot of things ambiguous and leaves a lot I questions that I have. Is this ok? I'm trying to keep a level head.
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