Clubber100 Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 So long story short, I had been seeing a girl for 5 months. We are both juniors at the same university (a smaller college here in Indiana). A few months ago, she ended things abruptly which really messed me up. Anyways, I went NC for the majority of our time apart, but we kept bumping into each other at parties and on campus. Eventually we began talking and I swallowed my pride and was willing to let the past go to a certain degree. We have since decided we would like to hang out in the future, just not as an official couple. There is certainly attraction there on both sides, and we have acknowledged this. We have hung out a few times so far and it has been nice. No intimacy or anything, just hanging out and keeping things fun. I text with her almost daily, though still not nearly as much as we did before the breakup. She goes out of her way and makes comments like she wants to hang out, and I believe her, but when trying to find a time, we can never find something that works very well. I am just wondering if it is smart for me to get involved in this again. I certainly think that in 1 1/2 years when we graduate that we will have time for each other, but right now I just want us to be in each others lives and have a chance to hang out. I also don't want to come across as clingy. I have asked a couple of times about hanging out (following up with her desire to hang out) but she always has plans already. I genuinely believe these are true, but I also don't want to keep asking and have her think that it is all on her time. Even if it really is. Any advice about moving forward here and letting this second chance at potentially building a lasting relationship would be great. I really like this girl and would like this to work out. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
Phantomu Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 So long story short, I had been seeing a girl for 5 months. We are both juniors at the same university (a smaller college here in Indiana). A few months ago, she ended things abruptly which really messed me up. Anyways, I went NC for the majority of our time apart, but we kept bumping into each other at parties and on campus. Eventually we began talking and I swallowed my pride and was willing to let the past go to a certain degree. We have since decided we would like to hang out in the future, just not as an official couple. There is certainly attraction there on both sides, and we have acknowledged this. We have hung out a few times so far and it has been nice. No intimacy or anything, just hanging out and keeping things fun. I text with her almost daily, though still not nearly as much as we did before the breakup. She goes out of her way and makes comments like she wants to hang out, and I believe her, but when trying to find a time, we can never find something that works very well. I am just wondering if it is smart for me to get involved in this again. I certainly think that in 1 1/2 years when we graduate that we will have time for each other, but right now I just want us to be in each others lives and have a chance to hang out. I also don't want to come across as clingy. I have asked a couple of times about hanging out (following up with her desire to hang out) but she always has plans already. I genuinely believe these are true, but I also don't want to keep asking and have her think that it is all on her time. Even if it really is. Any advice about moving forward here and letting this second chance at potentially building a lasting relationship would be great. I really like this girl and would like this to work out. Thanks in advance for any feedback. what you can do is keep hanging out like you are doing. No need to rush things. Also it might even be better if she does ask you to hang out more. Take it slow with her because you don't want her flaking on you again. If she wants to see you then she will tell you so.
Author Clubber100 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 Thanks for your feedback. I agree, I don't want to come across too strongly. I have my own life and I enjoy it very much, it is just that I really love spending time with her. It always is joyful and we get along very effortlessly. The problem is that she makes these comments like she wants to hang out without me bringing it up but she just seems like she never actually has time to. I know what they say, if they truly care then they will make time, but we really do have hectic schedules and I don't want her to bail on her friends or commitments that she has already made. I am trying to find the balance between making an effort and overextending myself. I have a lot going on, but I am always able to shift things around to spend time with her. I worry that makes me look too available. I don't want her flaking out on me again and I don't want her thinking I don't have time for her. I would love some feedback about how to show her I like hanging out like we have without coming across too strongly. For the foreseeable future, I just want to build a real friendship with her that eventually can end with a relationship in the long term future. Thanks again for all feedback
Phantomu Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Well if she says these things and doesn't find the time for you then you need to do the same. You're here making the efforts to be her "friend" and she has a different opinion on the matter. She wants to hang out without you asking. So she DOES want it on her own time. Go on with the things that you like and HAVE to do. Don't make yourself so readily available because she probably knows you will always say yes. She might have clued in that she knows you are already there and she can hang out with you whenever she wants. Make it so your time with her IS VALUABLE to her. Right now she is taking it for granted. It is up to you to make her realize that you aren't going to be there for her convenience. You sound like a nice guy who really likes this girl and she should be more respectful of your time. Don't push it with her. She will make the effort if she cares about you.
Author Clubber100 Posted November 27, 2013 Author Posted November 27, 2013 You are right. I make myself available to her to show that I care a lot about her. I appreciate the time we spend together a lot. She genuinely seems interested when we are able to text, they aren't just brief responses. It just is hard to gauge what is going on here. On one sense I don't like playing games and I like to make myself available to all my friends, because that makes me happy. But its hard to decide when to reach out to her and text or find time that we can actually spend together. I worry she may lose interest if I am too passive as well so this balance thing is really hard. She has assured me she isn't with anyone but she is very reserved about talking about us. So I am just trying to get to a place where we can continue to hang out more frequently and maybe address "us" in the future. I agree though that I need to make her realize that my time is valuable and that hopefully she will respect that too and find time to spend with me. Maybe this is all that I just am more hopeful about us than she is, though she never speaks up about anything so it is just hard to read. 2
Phantomu Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Like I said. Don't push it. If it's going to happen then it will happen without you making a huge effort.
Author Clubber100 Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Small update: We have found a few times to hangout together since my last posting. We get along great during these times we actually see each other, but we are so busy all the time. It is hard for me to balance this relationship (whatever you want to call it) and all the other priorities in my life. She means so much to me, but I have so much I have to do. We have slept together 2 times so far and it was nice for both of us I think. We never really have talked about how we've slept together and still communicate regularly, so it hasn't made things awkward. I am still very confused about what she wants and frankly what I want. I have serious hesitation of getting strong feelings for her again, but I think it is inevitable at this rate. I don't know how long I go before figuring out what we are doing? Like I said, another year and a half before I graduate so this may be seriously damaging to my academic work, as I am looking to secure an internship soon and to line up a job post-college, but I care so much for her that I emphasize a lot of my time thinking about this situation. Any advice with moving forward would be greatly appreciated as always.
lil hoodlum Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 You really need to protect your heart. Why did things end so abruptly? My cocern for you is that she may just be using you to feel better about herself and then when she is strong enough or has found someone else, she will end things abruptly again. When there are "issues" or "cocerns" in a relationship, a responsible partner will talk with you to find out what the problem/s are and try to work through them. Did she ever bring up any "issues" or "cocerns" while the two of you were together? 2
Author Clubber100 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 We talked a bit about them and it seems to be a timing thing. Like I said, we are both in college and have quite a bit of time left. I know I like her a lot, and I think she likes me but there are definitely reservations on both sides. I don't know why things went wrong though if that is what you are asking. We have never not gotten along, it was just ended abruptly. Maybe we moved too fast at the time, which I can understand. I am definitely vulnerable here. I know that I could get messed up by this, but I also know that life is about taking chances. It is up to me to decide if this is a chance worth taking. The times we have slept together in the last 2 weeks have been pretty intimate and nice. I don't believe she would intentionally use me and I don't believe that is the case. I am just confused by what she wants, and like I said, I don't know what I want. I don't feel like its appropriate for me to ask until I myself know but it does consume a lot of my time. I don't want to get hurt but I don't want to not take a chance. I am just so confused by why things went bad when they didn't need to.
letsplaygofish2 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I am just confused by what she wants, and like I said, I don't know what I want. I don't feel like its appropriate for me to ask until I myself know but it does consume a lot of my time. I agree with the fact that it would be inappropriate for you to ask until she's ready. Sounds like she just enjoys your company now. If you were continue to push for a relationship, she may just get annoyed and stop talking to you all together. Think of it like a nagging girlfriend who just won't stop talking! She just needs time to process things. Just let it be for now...
Author Clubber100 Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Your right. I don't want to rush anything but I still feel weird sleeping with her. I guess my ego would like to know that I am the only one, and I believe I am, but I don't know for sure. I would assume that I am because she knows that I care a lot about her and I doubt she would just mess with my feelings. I hope that at least! This whole thing would be so much easier for me out of college but that is so far away. I just want things to work out with her but I worry about her just leaving again.
letsplaygofish2 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Hahah, I secretly wish my ex would sleep with me. But a good friend of mine said that NO MATTER what happens, you shouldn't sleep with an ex. Because if it doesn't work out, I will get really hurt and will have to call her in the middle of the night to cry my heart out.... and she doesn't want to deal with that. LOL.
Author Clubber100 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Posted January 5, 2014 Hey everyone, Just a update to my ongoing saga. So we have had constant communication for a good while now. We sleep together occasionally, usually involving sex, but not always. It always feels real comfortable but I still feel distant from her. I am always worried things won't work out because of how much school we both have left. I worry that we won't have time to really work something out but I want to make time. I know we still have a full year and 1/2 left, but I want to make it work. The problem is that I can tell she is hesitant about a relationship. We had a strong one for a good period of time and I want a stronger one this time around. We have minor arguments here and there but when we are actually together, it is always fun. My problem is that I want to open up to her. I really do. I want to feel comfortable complimenting her and going out of my way to do things for her but I worry that will pressure her. I don't want to pressure her, but I know what I want eventually from this, and that is something significant. But I worry about things moving too fast for her. So my question is, how long does one wait? Is there even a way to know that? I mean I could wait until the summer maybe, but I really want things to work out and I feel terrible not knowing whether we are building something worth being involved with. I don't want to get crushed again, though that may be inevitable if things don't work out. I just want her to trust me and know that I care sincerely for her and that we can always have fun together. So what do I do? Looking forward to any feedback, thank you all.
letsplaygofish2 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 How long you want to wait is really all about you, not her. That's your choice and you shouldn't make her feel guilty about you "waiting for her". At the end of the day, it sounds like you should continue to move forward with your own life. Have your own hobbies, friends, activities that keep you busy. The fact that you want to go out of your way to compliment her only sounds to me as if you have nothing else going on in your life and you want her to fill that void.... Personally, I would just keep moving forward as if she's not going to come back.
Author Clubber100 Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks for the feedback. I do have plenty going on though in my life! that is what I think is the problem here. We both do. I meant that by going out of my way, I want to take her out, I want to make time to see her and feel okay in doing so. Sometimes she is very flirty, other times she is really reserved. I have a very hard time getting a read on her and what she wants this time around. I guess I was hoping maybe someone here could give feedback from a similar situation. It is just very wishy washy, and I would like to make something real out of it without pressuring her or myself. But I need help as to how I go about this the right way. She means a lot to me.
loveiswar101 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I think first you need to think about yourself, then her. If things are going ok well just stay in the present and enjoy it. Maybe you both might need to just discuss your workloads and plan catching up around them ! Just stay in the present, don't complicate things by thinking ahead to far. Hang out and have fun. It seems that might be what she's looking for as if flirty sometimes and reserved at other times. If happy to go with that, why not ? If not maybe cool off a little and she if she still wants to hang out ?
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